rant de peabs

this will be self-explanatory. the following is a rant that I received this afternoon from the one and only Peabs. it is a work of art.

---

From: Peabs
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003 12:36:50 EST
Subject: Barflizzies.
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com

Lately, yours truly, Peabs, has been spending most of his tiz either jazzing on your miz, or pseudo-managing at G-Willie-T style. And upon doing the latter, I have come across some characters worthy of namedropping; peeps that make JP McKrengels and Al Franken seem like nobodies, full on Kev Costner-stizz.

Flashbiz to Monday niz, circa Midnizzies.

There's this cock-star we like to call Tony Soprano, not so much for his striking resemb to James Gandolbestevs, but more so for his striking gorilla features, not so much Gorilla-stizz, but ya know, a fucking monkey. So Tony Toni Tone digs sitting at the biz, drinking a Coke, and swearing at his multiple personalities. Or he has tourette's (best!) and is swearing at the television. Either way equals "So fucking tigs." in the overall equation of liz. Oh yeah, to bizzoot, he has a larynx biz or whatevs-- you know, those tigs contraptions when you smoke ten packs a diz since you were cold kickin' it in the coal mines at age 6, Sissy Spacek-stizz-- so you can barely hear him spizz, thus making his random spouting off of expletives even that much more enjoyably tigs.

Howevs-- and there's always a tigs howevs in every stizz-- Tony S. didn't even compizz to the next Bozo that stumbled into G-Besties the other niz. This fucking cock-ring had obvs been out playing his version of the Grand Prize Game, with a full on raging boner for all things fagolicious, as he entered the biz all F'ed on who-the-fuck-knows-what (anybody that's done who-the-fuck-knows-what will understizz). He asks if we're open and if he can have a drizz. Yours truly wanted to say: "Obvs you fucking dildo, it's a biz, so lick my tats." But unfortch, I cannot spizz such brilliance. I notice it's 1:45 in the morn, so this douchenozzle has got a drink's worth alloted. He orders up a Mic Lizz and a shot of Crown Rizzie (which he ends up drizzing a sip, the fucking puss-bag!), and I tell him it's last call for alcohol, like a bad song by SemiSonic. He says, "Yes, sir" and salutes me. Now, anyone that knows Peabs knows his infatuation with the hatred of all militant forces; yours truly, the son of Fos, raging 70's neo-hippie galore; so I found his salute to me to be preposterous, totally worst! The man introduces himself as Woody... 15 times. And, he asks me my names nearly as many times, which was followed by "Continental Lanes welcomes you, Matt!" Fucking wack job. Woodrow then proceeds to thank me for spending all of the money. I reply: "On what?" His answer?

"You know what, Matt. You know. That new Mustang."

While I already knew that W wasn't rizz in the hizz, this solidified it. Of course, until he decided to get all Super Racist Dude all up on this piece, shouting his disdain for African-Americans and continuing to salute me, thank me, and introduce his worthless, piece of shit self. On a scale of one to tiz for full-on worst evs wack job, this dude was off the charts. Plus, his name was fucking Woody! Who in the fuck is named Woody anymore? Not since the glorious days of Woody from Cheers just the charcter, not Harrelson), or Woody Woodpecker, or Ohio State coach Woody or Woody "Don't Call Me Woodrow" Wilson has the name been tigs. Even the resurgence of recent Clemson QB and current NFL washout Woodrow "Woody" Danzler couldn't save the name.

And after Monday Niz, the once great name of Woody was set back years. Decades even.

The name Matthew, howevs, was not. I am gorgeous.

et al

not a lot to discuss today. as i feared, my lack of strenuous work yesterday has led to a semi-hellish day today. alas, i've still got some buzz left in me, some of which originates from the collective mindshare of the FOW Nation. clicky clicky!

• in response to The Supreme Court decision to uphold lengthier copyrights protecting the profits of songs, books and cartoon characters, The Gorilla sent along this reaction:
  

  "Disney sucks it hard, they make shit loads of money off public domain children’s stories (Cinderella, Snow White, et. al) and then they buy votes in congress to keep their own intellectual property from falling into the public domain. The checks and balances don’t work when Congress has a mouth full of Goofy balls. Worse than worst – full-on-German Wurst."

  i couldn't agree more, i can't see why the Public Domain laws should be changed just to benefit corporate behemoths like Disney and AOL/Time Warner. alas, i guess that's what the Big Bucks can buy you these days.

• if you have spent anytime with Coach Glinka recently, you know that he knows more about Muggles and Hogwarts than just about any other Gen X'er. whether or not that's a good thing is still up for debate. regardless, he was kind enough to take the time to pass along the word that the fifth Harry Potter book will be released on June 21st. quoth The Coach, "Dude, Dumbledore is gonna reveal everything!"

• add this to the growing list of accomplishments made by people younger than me. it looks like Jodi Kantor, a 27 year-old editor at Slate.com, is the new front runner to become the editor of The New York Times' "Arts & Leisure" section. mega-impressive, but i'm surprised they didn't look for the editor of whatevs.org!!!

• while it doesn't quite stack up to "Joe Millionaire", ABC's "The Bachelorette" earns special buzz because it features a local dude on the show. i saw Bob out at Dick O'Dow's last Thursday night, but surprisingly he wasn't really recognized. that's all about to change, because The Grizz profiles him in today's Detroit News.

• The Los Angeles Times' Robert Hilburn has taken a few months off from writing his "Ask Robert Hilburn" column, but Tuesday's edition finally featured a new column.

• "It's definitely different than a T-shirt". Devoted alumni and fans of their college team can show their undying school spirit with college-themed caskets. (thanks to Maw for this story!)

• the following is a mini-editorial (complete with link!) from JP McKrengels: "Perhaps our man in Amsterdam (well Poland really) Kegzies was right? In the 90's we had the "Decade of the Woman" or was it just a year (it sure felt like a decade). Now that Bush is here maybe we'll have the "Decade of the WASP". Take a look at this article involving President Bush and the University of Michigan's racial admissions battle. I for one, will now be applying and getting accepted to both Michigan's B- School and Law School simultaneously. Looks like I'll have some tough Postgraduate choices in the next year or so. I'm inspired! Hot New York Jewish girls... here I come!" (in response to http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/national/AP-Bush-Affirmative-Action.html)

• finally, the lovely and talented Miss Melody Licious passed along the following info in response to my post regarding the RW/RR BOTS...best!
  

  ---------- Melody Licious wrote:
  

  I'm completely in love/addicted to Battle of the Sexes. It could only be better if it was two hours long. I'm such a fan/nerd I even have a Fantasy Challenge team on Mtv.com. I'm hoping the Belgian > doesn't get voted off because he's just too hot. Same goes for all gay boys. Anyway, here are some more related websites for your p.e.
  

  — www.princessmelissa.com - Melissa from New Orleans Real World. Check out the "real world" section for her inside scoop at the BOTS episodes. The rest of it is pretty much crap
  

  — www.countrytoconcrete.org - Danny from New Orleans' website
  

  — www.planetjulie.com - Julie from New Orleans' website. It's pretty boring though.
  

  — www.planetsocks.com - Hilarious recaps. The usually post BOTS and RW episode with in 48 hours of the episode's airing.
  

  — www.televisionwithoutpity.com - recaps of all your favorite shows done in a hilarious manner. It usually takes 3 or 4 days (sometimes more) for the recap to be posted, but they are usually pretty thorough and funny.

recent obsessions

i love days like this. today has been a brief respite from the sheer volume of projects that normally fly across my desk in a given day. and because your visits mean so much to me, i'm going to capitalize on this opportunity to spend a little time gabbing about some of the better things i've stumbled upon on recent visits along the Information Superhighway.

anybody whose ever visited this site before or spent 22 seconds talking to me knows that i'm a pop culture freak. and if you like to get freaky on the Pop Culture tip even half as much as i do, you need to stop what you're doing and click on over to Gawker.com. by their own definition, Gawker is "a live review of city news, and by news we mean, among other things, urban dating rituals, no-ropes social climbing, Condé Nastiness, downwardly-mobile i-bankers, real estate porn -- the serious stuff." in layman's terms, it's a Manhattan-centric blog that caters to young, trendy aspiring members of the glitterati, somehow managing to balance tawdry Page Six type gossip and crisp analysis of literary comings and goings. in other words, it is everything that whatevs.org aspires to be. updated multiple times throughout the day, Gawker is equal parts Smart and Sexxxy and will quickly become one of your Refresh-worthy sites. on top of all this, they are starting to break in with exclusive, original content that fits their mold through and through. for example, a piece called ""The Search For A Perfect Coke Dealer" was posted yesterday. i can't quite put my finger on whether or not it is pure fiction or a pure interview, but my guess is that it's a little of both. regardless, it's fascinating and funny and an all-around great read. Gawker -- best new website in ages!

however, i know there has to be some FOWs out there who could care less that "Celeb #1 is bangin' Celeb #2" or whether or not Pornikova has a tattoo on her arse. i know that you're few and far between, but i know that you're out there. the best thing about Sarah Hepola is that i'm very confident that her work will appeal to FOWs of all shapes and sizes. i first stumbled upon this Austin-based freelance writer on a site called The Morning News.org when she wrote an article about Ilan Mitchell-Smith, better known as Wyatt from "Weird Science." i linked to this story a few months back, but discovered that Miss Hepola had a site (Sarah Hepola.com) that she updated every so often. and in the past couple of days, she has written a couple of fantastic short stories that exist somewhere in the plane between fiction and reality. her most recent piece currently resides at the top of her site, and it feels to me like a meditation on breaking up with a boyfriend. it reminds me a little bit of a piece of dialogue from "Kicking And Screaming", where Grover laments that Jane has quit smoking. here's an excerpt:

"When we used to smoke we’d stay up till 3am drinking red wine and confessing everything, tipping over glasses and ripping seams, and I would wake up at 6am, having forgotten everything but the cigarettes, tens of them, thousands of them, stuck in my clothes and my hair, my tongue feeling as if it had grown a beard, and ashes on the floor, and ashes in the bed. You snored liked a giant.
“I’m never smoking again,” I told you when you woke.
“This is foul,” I told you as we made the bed. “Foul, foul.”
“I don't even like cigarettes,” I told you as we cleaned.
But the sun went down and it turned cold outside and I just wanted to join you, in the chair by the window where you sat, smoking."
-Sarah Hepola, from Sarah Hepola.com

click click click

before i scoot out the door to pick up "Blue Crush" and "About A Boy" from Besties, here are a few noteworthy links for you to nibble on...

• i should've linked to this a few weeks ago but i forgot. The Grizz and Tom Long collaborated on this comprehensive review of the Year 2002. included within is basically everything that you need to win the Pink Pie when the 25th Anniversary Edition of Trivial Pursuit comes out in 2006.
  

• are you as infatuated with the Real World / Road Rules "Battle Of The Sexes" as I am? of course not, you actually have a life. but if you care to dip your toe in the Ocean of Bunim-Murray Obsession, a great place to start is with the blogs of the show's participants. there are a few net-savvy cast members whose recaps of "behind the scenes" occurences from each episode are positively priceless. they include Colin's World (obvs from Colin of the RW Hawaii Cast) and Everything Lori (Lori from RW NYC who, incidentally, is the hottest Real World or Road Rules cast member of all-time). enjoy!
  

• going virtually unnoticed (because it happened during the holidays) was the death of ace photog Herb Ritts. media outlets from coast to coast attributed the death to "complications stemming from pneumonia", which we all know is code for AIDS. a column that appeared in New York's Newsday magazine suggests that the lack of "energetic reporting" is a throwback to the closeting of AIDS during the Reagan-era. this is a well-thought out and very interesting piece, especially for those of you who follow the media as closely as i do.
  

• spinning off in a completely divergent direction from the last bullet point is this interview with Christopher Walken that appeared in yesterday's Los Angeles Times. anyone who has seen "Catch Me If You Can" knows that Walken's performance as Frank's father is the crutch that allows Leo's performance to shine. without the understated and genius-level work of Walken, i guarantee this movie would've fallen into the same sentimental BS territory as Spielberg's last six or seven flicks. check out the interview because Walken rules.
  

• if you grew up in the `80s, chances are you have a tape or CD somewhere in your collection of Yaz's "Upstairs At Eric's." if this is indeed the case, you'll probably be interested to hear that Alison Moyet has released a new album. Salon.com profiles her and fills us in on what she's been up to for the last 10 or so years...
  

• this one speaks for itself. "A Russian court has upheld a $10,000 fine imposed on an advertising agency for showing a clip from the U.S. film comedy "The Big Lebowski" that the government says contributed to a rampage by soccer thugs in Moscow." at least they didn't pee on his rug!
  

• last but not least, is there an Untz Fan alive who doesn't love listening to Pete Tong's "Essential Mix"? available online through BBC Radio, this show is broadcast every Friday afternoon live. "so what?" you ask. well, i retort with "on January 31st through February 2nd they'll be broadcasting live from New York"! special guests include Funkmaster Flex and DJ Cipha Sounds, who threw down some absolutely SICK tracks in Spike Lee's latest film, "25th Hour." this will be worth firing up your good ole Real Player during work and listening in. obvs.
  

yesterday buzz

i apologize for the lack of Piping Hot Content yesterday, especially with some of the ricockulously tawdry stories that broke. first and foremost was the controversy from Down Unda regarding whether or not Anna Kournikova recently got a tattoo on her ass. yes, on a day where #1 seed and defending Australian Open champ Jen "I Date Chandler" Capriati lost in the first round, Pornikova was still the top story. as Exhibit B on the right-hand side of this column demonstrates, Anna played her first round match with a visible ass bandage. wild speculation swirled that she had "Sergei" or "Enrique" tattooed there, but Kournies swears that it is a heat patch that she wears to treat her chronic back pain. one way or the other, you gotta love the fact that Anna's Ass is the #1 story on the tennis circuit.

"this date is about as romantic as an iodine enema."

"she looked like a million bucks ... not that I know what a million bucks looks like."

"she's got the red hair, the red pants ... she's on fire!"

"sarah's a little more uptight than the girls that i usually date, but she's hot so I'm gonna give it a shot."

"joe millionaire" ... television doesn't get a whole lot better. TV's best new reality show had another exciting installment last night. after cutting 20 bachelorettes down to 12 in the first week's episode, Fox upped the ante on Extreme Reality by cutting another seven snaggletooth bimbos last night. just about the entire world was happy to see Joe / Evan give Heidi, the Uber-Beeyatch, the Heisman last night. how does she get by claiming she's only 24 years old? shiiiiiiiit, she doesn't look a day under 30. but still, that doesn't forgive Joe Construction Worker for giving MotorMouth Mojo a free pass into the next round. Seriously worst, but I think that Mojo's got a bitchy streak that will be revealed as soon as next week.

twenty word reviews

more Top 10 2002 buzz

you may know him best as 1/2 of the "SNL Season 28 ... REVEALED!" team, but the FOW known simply as Nummer has excellent taste in music. in fact, if you flash back to January 21, 2002, he was the site's first guest contributor with his write-up of the Top 10 Shows of 2001. hott. anyhoozle, here is Nummer's look back at the Year in Music Circa 2002.

Word--

I didn't get too creative musically in 2002. I didn't rush out and buy as many new CDs as usual. Most of the new music I acquired this year came via CDR recommendations from friends. Because of this, most of the CDs I did buy were from "safety artists" that I can always count on to be good. The result? A list that isn't nearly as creative as year's past. Do I care? Not really.

10. The Vines "Highly Evolved" - Who cares if Cobain wrote half the songs. The album still rocks. Best summer album in years.
9. Tanya Donelly "Beauty Sleep" – I can't believe this didn't make a bigger splash.
8. Tom Waits "Alice" - Tom Waits has yet to do wrong. The material on this album was actually written back in the early 1990’s for a stage play loosely based on Alice in Wonderland. Excellent album.
7. Primal Scream "Evil Heat" - Track #4 is named Detroit. How can you not love it? While not as solid as 2000's XTRMNTR, it still gets cranked loud enough to piss off half of Warren Michigan.
6. Luna "Romantica" – “Salt and pepper squid, and Singapore noodles" anyone? Need I say more?
5. Phish "Round Room" - After nearly a two-year break, Phish gets back together to rehearse for a US Tour. After like two days, they decided to release the practice session as an album. The result is 76 some minutes of raw best.
4. Badly Drawn Boy "About A Boy" (sndtrk) - Did this album leave the CD player once during May? Nope.
3. Flaming Lips "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" - Anyone who can listen to the first 4 tracks and not declare this an amazing album doesn't know music from a foghorn.
2. Badly Drawn Boy "Have you fed the Fish?" - Is there a “best of” list this year without this album? Thought not.
1. Tom Waits "Blood Money" - "All the good in the world, you can put inside a thimble, and still have room for you and me" - from the opening track "Misery is the River of the World”. Other joyous tracks include "Everything Goes to Hell", "God's Away on Business" and "Woe". This is the darkest album to come along in years. Just what I like.

The next five:
11. Trey Anastasio "Trey Anastasio"
12. Belle & Sebastian "Storytelling" (sndtrk)
13. Ekoostik Hookah "Ohio Grown"
14. Weezer "Maladroit"
15. ...Trail of the Dead "Source Tags and Codes"

On to shows....

Believe it or not, I saw 59 shows in 2002. Trimming the list down to the just 10 was pretty tough. Here goes:

10. Guns N' Roses/CKY/Mix Master Mike @ Palace of Auburn Hills - Auburn Hills, MI (11/21/02): Quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. At one point, Buckethead put down his guitar and just went to town with numchucks for a while. And Axl. Where to start?
9. Tanya Donelly/Chris Lee @ Magic Bag - Detroit, MI (4/4/02): Had to go solo! Didn't think it would be a tough sell. Apparently it was. I'd say there were less than 50 people there. Don't know why. The show was amazing.
8. The Flaming Lips (Unlimited Sunshine Tour) @ Phoenix Plaza - Pontiac, MI (8/20/02): They fucking covered Kylie! Combine that with costumed chaos, fake blood and Teletubby videos for a great summer night.
7. Badly Drawn Boy/Adam Green @ St. Andrews Hall - Detroit, MI (10/25/02): Not as good as his previous two Detroit area stops and it really sucked when he had to get off at 10:00 for Club Night, but the show still rocked.
6. Clinic/The Kingsbury Manx @ Shelter - Detroit, MI (3/30/02): Surgery masks. Clinic was the biggest buzzed band at the moment with great reason. Too bad the follow up show in October wailed in comparison.
5. Trey Anastasio @ Fox Theater – Detroit, MI (6/7/02): I’m such a sucker for this shit.
4. Wolf Eyes/The Animal Collective/Mammal @ CPOP - Detroit, MI (4/3/02): Wolf Eyes. Can they do wrong?
3. Belle & Sebastian/Slumber Party @ State Theater - Detroit, MI (5/10/02): Finally got to see them! I even made a first date out of it.
2. The Strokes/The White Stripes @ Chene Park - Detroit, MI (8/9/02): Totally blew away the shitty, shitty show the night before at Clutchies. Julian on crutches in front of the river? C'mon.
1. Andrew WK/Dirty Americans @ Shelter - Detroit, MI (3/18/02): Words can't describe. This may even be in my top 5 of all time. How can this man perform like this every night? Unforgettable.

The next five:
11. The Vines/OKGO @ Shelter - Detroit, MI (7/14/02)
12. Tenacious D/Home Town Hero @ Deltaplex - Grand Rapids, MI (4/9/02)
13. Luna/Sonic Boom @ Majestic - Detroit, MI (5/30/02)
14. Social Distortion @ Clutch Cargos - Pontiac, MI (6/17/02)
15. American Analog Set/Her Space Holiday @ Shelter - Detroit, MI (7/31/02) - They fucking sampled Wet Hot American Summer dialogue for Christ's sake!
Biggest show disappointment? Driving 4+ hours to Toronto in February for Gorillaz. Possibly the worst show ever.

That's it. Like I said, I missed tons of music this year. The Streets, Soundtrack of Our Lives, Beth Gibbons and the list goes on and on. I'm sure there was some other great stuff out there I'll pick up on in the coming months.

Thanks for reading,
Jason
1/9/03

snl season 28 ... REVEALED!

while i can't wait to hear what Nummer and H-Bomb have to say about this weekend's Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne episode, their coney-laden reviews of the last two episodes are now posted for you and yours to enjoy. dig!

Episode 8 - Al Gore / Phish (12/14/02)
Special Episode: Christmas 2002 (12/17/02)