"detroit has more of an image problem than an anorexic at prom time"

this rant courtesy of the one and only Grizz. mad props must be unleashed for providing whatevs.org with a steady stream of Piping Hot Content all this week. this little piece about Tha D and how our how thin our collective skin is will make you laugh out loud at least three times. however, for me, the best part is that subtly exposes the biggest taboo in Detroit, and i'm not talking about race relations or police enforcement or casinos or prostitution or bombed out buildings or homelessness or even crizzack. the one thing that you just can't do as a Detroiter is to stand up and crack back on the City. every 12-stepper knows that the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem, and that's one thing Detroiters never do. our problem is that we're so overly protective of Tha D and all it stands (stood?) for, that we can't see the forest for the trees. but before i start going off and boring y'all to tears, i'll leave it up to the far more eloquent and hee-haw-larious Grizz to break it down for y'all ...

"so i come in to work this morning and the very first thing i see is julie hinds' ridiculous non-story in the freep (http://www.freep.com/entertainment/tvandradio/det24_20030124.htm). immediately i start fuming. the story focuses on the "cheap shots" that "american idol" dealt to detroit the other night when the judges knocked the city's talent pool. to quote hinds -- whose work i usually admire, it should be noted -- "detroit is still reeling from the beating it took on reality tv this week." (her other evidence? ferndale bob got the boot from "the bachelorette" on wednesday.) as far as the "american idol" judges not being impressed by the talent put forth by the D -- HELLO!?? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AMERICAN FUCKING IDOL?? the whole show is built around the acid-tongued barbs of simon cowell and would be nothing without them. we tune in to the god damn show (in record numbers, mind you -- note uncle grambo's posts from yests) to see him rip apart talentless wannabes, so much so that it's pretty much the entire premise of the program. should that change just because he's in detroit, a city that's been bereft of buzz since the late '60s? should he be polite to the singers and the city because detroit's ego is more bruised than pete townshend's D after a late-nite online sesh? hardly. alas, hinds isn't the only culprit here; drew and mizz were going off on the wrif airwaves yesterday about how bad "american idol" had made the city of detroit look. to quote the late, great nell carter, "gimme a brizz." i think it's a case of detroiters wanting to look bad, almost craving others to take pot shots at us so we can act all defeated as a result. this city and its inhabitants are so inherently f'd that if any outsiders state the truth about our crumbling ruins of a city. we coil up into a little ball. it's fine if we say it -- "look where the fuck we stay at," D12 state, laughing, on its "devil's night" LP -- but if ryan seacrest should happen to make an off-hand remark about how cold the city is, everyone's up in arms about how bad our city is being portrayed on television. get over yourselves. you know what i'm saying? it's not like there's articles in the new york times, the atlanta journal constitution or the miami herald about how simon came through and made their cities look like shit, but here in detroit, the story's sitting there staring right at you. detroit should be god damn good and happy "american idol" even bothered coming through town -- both it and the latest "making the band" actually kicked off their talent searches here in the city -- not crying over how it was portrayed on film. furthermore, people are up in arms about how shitty "8 mile" made the city look. news for you, losers: all they did is come in and turn the cameras on. how about "boyz n the hood" or "menace?" were there stories in the LA times about how bad those movies made los angeles look? doubt it. detroit needs to wake up and take a cold hard look at itself. sure, eminem is the biggest pop star in the world, the white stripes have buzz and the magic stick is a cool place to bowl. but the city sucks. and that's cool, that's actually what i like about it. i've got no problems with detroit, i just happen to accept it for what it is. but so many people in this city are so defensive about admitting the truth or stating an observation about detroit that they're desperate for someone to say something bad about it -- like guineyprops, when he beats others to the punch with his fat jokes -- so they can act appalled at the very notion that this isn't the worst metropolis in the united states. but when it comes down to it, they never actually listen to what the people are saying and are too wrapped up in their own detroitosity to see the big picture. detroit has more of an image problem than an anorexic at prom time. but if people are really, truly concerned about the city and its future, why do they let kwame and his bizzoys dress up like pimps (pinstriped suits are the norm for Big K) and pushers (i seriously saw the mayor's "press secretary" wearing a sideways fedora hat with a feather in it on wdivizz local 4) when they're supposed to be leading detroit's charge into the future? and as for guiney's being dismissed on "the bachelorette" making the city look bad -- or famie's bad rice, another argument hinds posed -- let's be god damn motherfuckin rease. obvs."

-the grizz

everything i learn, i learn from MTV

a few quick hits from MTV.com before i'm off to meetings for the next three hours...

• good news for Dido fans. one of whatevs.org's fave hotties is currently recording her follow-up to the multi-platinum smash "No Angel" and is targeting a fall release date. can't wait for more of that ethereal acoustic dreaminess...

• as whatevs.org astutely noted back on July 29th, Brit Brit was "all dolled-up and looking like a two-bit sellout" in those Skechers 4Wheeler ads. well, it turns out that the rest of the American public felt the same way and avoided those rollerskates like they avoided "Pluto Nash." to add insult to injury, Skechers is now claiming that their relationship with Britney lost them tens of millions of dollars. "We did not get any value out of the money we gave her," Skechers attorney Daniel Petrocelli alleges, as Skechers prepares to file suit against Britney for breach of contract for "skating out" on a 3-year contract with the company. developing ...

• this last bit of news is a few days old, but interesting nonetheless. next week's Billboard Music Charts reveal that The Donnas will sail 50 spots higher on next week's Top 200 Albums Chart, landing at a respectable #67. while actual sales figures for "Spend The Night" were not listed, it's fair to assume the band sold around 20,000 records after their performances on TRL and SNL. i heard "Take It Off" on WRIF last night, of all places. hottness.
  

  while that's all well and good, the real story of the charts this week is that Kid Rock's "Cocky" has moved into the Top 20 for the first time in over a year, thanks to the success of his duet with Sheryl Crow on "Picture." the single has, according to MTV, "re-introduced the pimp of the nation to adult contemporary formats, where his "Only God Knows Why" once had a home, and established his place on country radio." that's great news for Kid, who has been trashed all over the plizz because "Cocky" didn't even come close to replicating the success of "Devil Without A Cause." but as we all know, with every silver lining there's a cloud. the bad news is that the record still sucks.

attack of The Grizz

besides the fantastic Ferrell vs. Farrell that is posted directly below, whatevs.org's fave member of the press hits readers with a whopping three stories in today's Detroit News. first and foremost, you may have read it here first yesterday, but The Grizz reports on the recent success of "American Idol." the similarities are verrrrry interesting (Grambo: "absolutely TROUNCED some very stiff competition", Grizz: "trounced the competition"). booya!

if music's your thing, reviews of The Raveonettes' "Whip It On" ("Imagine the White Stripes as a '50s-era, B-horror loving duo with the Jesus and Mary Chain's Jim Reid on vocals and Elvira on drums") and "Music from the Motion Picture 'Chicago' " are also featured. Here's a choice quote from the latter:

"Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, she's still (she's still) Zeta from the block. Seriously, if Jennifer Lopez can pass herself off as a pop star to the tune of platinum sales, where's the Catherine Zeta-Jones solo album? When she sings "the gin is cold, but the piano's hot!" on the "Chicago"-opening "All That Jazz," she exudes such a crazy verve and a sexy confidence that you want her to book studio time with Ja Rule to record a slinky, radio-friendly duet ASAP."

WHATEVS.ORG EXCLUSIVE!!!

Ferrell vs. Farrell
by The Grizz

Come mid-February, the battle at the box-office will heat up, BIG TIME, when "Daredevil" opens up one week prior to the hotly anticipated "Old School." While on the surface these two pictures have very little, if anything, in common -- other than their target audience of adolescent males -- there's a grudge match between the two movies' stars taking place just below the surface. No, jerkies, I'm not talking about Ben Affleck and Luke Wilson, but rather, Will Ferrell and Colin Farrell. Who will come out on top of this fiercely competitive war that has divided the streets in two even moreso than the Jay-Z / Nas battle royale of the last two years? Let's look at the tale of the tape.

NAME	WILL FERRELL	COLIN FARRELL
Mugshot
Age	35	26
Height	6'3"	6'
Originally From	Irvine, CA	Dublin, Ireland
Seen As	A proudly overgrown nerd	A handsome, profane, chain-smoking bad boy
Best Known For	His years of hard work on SNL	His ability to keep landing plum roles in huge Hollywood films ("Minority Report," "Hart's War," "The Recruit") and failing to break through in any of them
Best Role	George W. Bush on SNL	Vanity Fair cover model
First Role	TV's "Bucket of Blood" (1995)	TV's "Ballykissangel" (1996)
Right Hand Man	Chris Kattan	Joel Schumacher
Salary Buzz	$350,000 for SNL, 2001-02	$5 million for "The Recruit," $8 million for "S.W.A.T."
Writer?	Yes (wrote "A Night at the Roxbury")	Nope
Cokehead?	Nope	Yes
"Bachelorette" Doppleganger	Bob Guiney	Russ
Quote	"Few people know I'm fueled by my massive hatred of immigrants" (as Neil Diamond)	"I tell them, 'When you're at home puking your guts out, I'll be here drinking my Amstel Light." (on drinking tequila)
In 5 Years Will Be	Still making modestly successful comedies	Still waiting for his big break
Destiny	The new Bill Murray at best, the new Chevy Chase at worst	The new Rob Lowe

further proving my theory that "everyone loves white girls"

shiiiiiiit. when you're right, you're right. i've been spouting this theory for years and have yet to be proven wrong. a quick google search of whatevs.org reveals four different mentions of the phrase, and here is another example to back up my point. US Weekly is reporting (via PageSix) that Nicole Kidman and Q-Tip (former lead singer of A Tribe Called Quest) were spotted at the ultra-trendy NYC sushi bar Nobu "making out a lot over dinner." according to the article, Q and Satine "have been kicking it for over a month now" and met through their mutual pal Leo DiCaprio. bonita applebaum you GOTTA put me on!

it's on fox

yes, i'm tatts

ding dong the bitch is dead

The Aftermizz Of The Golden Globes
a photographic retrospective compiled by uncle grambo

quoth The Lawrs

"I think she's really going to skank out on the next episode."

The Lawrs is one of the unsung FOWs who just doesn't get his deserved props ... until now, that is. after cracking up just about everyone at Fifth Ave (CoPa stizz) on Friday night with his Igor Larionov impressions ("Hey, hey Haaawk-eee-towwwn, ah whee-oooo!"), The Lawrs scores some prime quotes in an article focusing on the controversies surrounding "The Bachelorette." obvs, it was none other than The Grizz who wrote this top-notch piece that also manages to grab quotes from Trista herself, as well as Ferndale Bob (who is still alive and kicking in tonight's episode) and our cousin J-Bo. other than scoring some great quotes, this subject matter of this article digs deeper than whether or not "The Bachelorette" is a good / bad television program -- The Grizz chooses to focus on the cultural impact that the show might have. will audiences (particularily females) get turned off by what Matt Lauer calls "the floozy factor"? will this show help conquer the great gender divide of sleeping around (my self-dubbed "Stud / Slut Dynamic" ... take THAT Lauer!)? who knows, but take some time to read the article and you won't be disappointed.

i heart tennis

tickets to what you need

he's turning Madonna down and calling it his best move. he's got the tickets to what you need!

SNL Host Buzz over here
(courtesy of Nummer)

"Saturday Night Live" is relying on an even mix of first timers and old pros to headline the show throughout the month of February, according to a source at the show.

The fun will begin February 8, when Matthew McConaughey and Dixie Chicks are both scheduled to make their debuts. McConaughey's latest film, the romantic comedy "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," hits theaters that weekend. Dixie Chicks latest album, "Home," is up for Album of the Year at this year's Grammy awards.

"Alias" star Jennifer Garner is set to take on hosting duties the next weekend, February 15, with musical guest Beck back for a fourth time. Garner co-stars with Ben Affleck in the action film "Daredevil," opening that weekend. Beck's album "Sea Change" is up for Best Alternative Music Album at the Grammys.

The month is slated to end with a bang, as Christopher Walken returns for a sixth time as host, alongside the music of Foo Fighters, Grammy nominated for their rock song "All My Life."

All guests are subject to change until confirmed by NBC.

the donnas have so much buzz

when it comes to Buzz Bands these days, nobody's hotter (literally AND figuratively) than The Donnas. their 30 minute set on MTV2 last mondizz rocked TRL, but was nothing compared to their utterly rad performances of "Take It Off" and "Who Invited You?" on SNL this wknd. now renowned music writer Greil Marcus is spouting their praises on the pages of Salon.com ... so much buzz! so much buzz that i even forgive them for getting my car stolen at their October 2001 show at the Magic Stick! when you can overcome Stolen Car Vibes, you know you're hotter than hott. anyway, here's what Greil had to say ...

2) Donnas, "Spend the Night" (Atlantic)

"Faster than sound," as Big Brother and the Holding Company put it 35 years ago in San Francisco, up the Peninsula from the Donnas' Palo Alto. But Big Brother didn't have Skyline Boulevard in their blood. Speed-shifting on the Skyline turns at midnight, way above the Stanford hills, is just what the Donnas' new music feels like -- except when it feels like X in 1980, the punk band burning their song "Los Angeles" into the pavement like rubber. Today "You Wanna Get Me High" jumps off the radio, as familiar as weather, as much of a shock as lightning hitting your house. "Take It Off" is right behind. This is what rock 'n' roll never forgets -- or rather it's what rock 'n' roll always forgets, until people like Brett Anderson, Maya Ford, Torry Castellano and Allison Robertson find it.

return of whatevs!

so much buzz, so little time. sorry for the lack of updates over the last few days, i was out sick on Friday and yesterday was some MLK hittins. obvs. i'm booked solid in meetings until 4pm, which blows because i've got lots to say about the events of the last five days. but we'll start with this quick hit...

in Hollywood, it is a time-tested rule that all press is good press. apparently not for my Jailbait Homegirl Winonzies Rizz, because it looks like her recent grand theft and vandolism conviction has landed her in B-movie hell. winona just signed on to appear in an upcoming film called "Eulogy", which also stars such acting stalwarts as "Everybody Hates" Ray Romano, Hank "Don't Call Me Apu" Azaria, and Monica "Still Attempting To Ride On Patch Adams Buzz" Potter. the project will be written and directed by some lame ass named Michael Clancy, who is so well respected in Hollywood that he doesn't even appear on the IMDB. winona ... worst.