snl season 28 ... REVEALED!

this week's SNL has no buzz whatsoever. while i have to throw props to the person in charge of booking SNL's musical acts (Ms. Dynamite is completely unknown in the US, making her the edgiest artist to appear on the show this year), Queen Latifah isn't bringing anything to the table as guest host and everyone knows it. she's bordering on J-Lo-type overexposure, what with her recent Oscar nomination and this weekend's release of "Bringing Down The House." as a result, we find our resident SNL experts in a particularly feisty mood in this week's segment of SNL Pre-Show Comments...

album art revealed!

damore's throwdown

Frank McPicklebasket ... revealed???

who IS Frank McPicklebasket? debates regarding who exactly is behind the dastardly persona of this vehemently anti-JP McKrengels FOW have been raging for weeks. in fact, the debate almost led to fisticuffs at Damore's now legendary Throwdown on 2.28.03. however, thanks to a crisp intellect and an apparently endless amount of free time, The Gorilla is posing a theory on just who Frank McPicklebasket actually is. read on...

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Subject: FW: Good work Damore.
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2003 09:04:51 -0500
From: The Gorilla
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com

Poke out my eye and call me Colombo.

I'd like to preface the following information with "I not a huge computer nerd". But by the same token I'm not stupid either.

Here's the downlow...
Frank McPicklebasket puts up his hotmail account on whatevs.org right?

So, I send him and email saying its Damore (forwarded to you here). It occurs to me this morning that it might have some way to track back to where it came from -- an originating IP address. So I check help on outlook to see how to find the IP address on an email, I go on MSN and do a search for "look up ip address" and I get www.network-tools.com and this is what that site tells me:

IP address: 208.44.60.32
Host name: internet-user.jwt.com

So McPicklebasket is Seantiz or Captain Dearborn himself doing a little self promotion -- I vote for the latter.

So basically from here I plan on growing a mustache, buying a Ferrari, a fitted Tigers home ball cap, moving to Hawaii and hanging out with a weird English guy and two gratuitous other guys, one black, one with a helicopter.

s-l-o-w

yawn. not a whole lot going on this morning in the world of pop culture. other than a Brendan "Shanny" Shanahan sighting at Sugar Hiccup last night with Coach Glinka and JP McKrengels, it's been a pretty slow 24 hours. i've raided all of the sites that i normally raid for content and i only came up with three items that are worth a clickthrough this morning...

• two of my favourite web personalities come together with mixed results. Elizabeth Spiers (of Gawker fame) interviews Neal Pollack (of Neal Pollack fame). gotta admit that i was hoping for more.

• calling Darrell Hammond and Norm MacDonald! according to reports, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole have signed a 10 episode deal with "60 Minutes" to provide weekly Point / Counterpoint style debates on the show. buzz!

• it's been a long time coming but it looks like the moment of truth is on its way. The New York Post is reporting that Christina Ricci will "get naked for her next role as Charlize Theron's lesbian lover in a serial-killer flick." apparently Ricci was wary at first, but was persuaded by her agent who repeatedly told her that, "You have beautiful breasts." predicted box office gross for opening weekend? $422 mills!

read a sentence, click a link

"You like-ah the joos?" CBS Translator Uses "Fake" Accent During Saddam Interview.

Alan Light Buzz (courtesy of MacK10). NEW MUSIC MAGAZINE READIES FOR FALL LAUNCH.

Not quite sure why this is the lead story on Reuters right now, but regardless ... Ethan Hawke to Take Part in Dublin Play Readings.

McCollum scoops Case once again! DEMF gets a new name.

It doesn't get any better than in-flight buffalo wings served by girls in hot pants. Hooters Airline Poised For Runways.

"So, uh, wanna get busy during a roll-over accident in my Ford Explorer?" Firestone Heir Named New "Bachelor".

It's about god damn time. Director David O. Russell Readys Script for Miramax.

NME revealed!

in this week's issue, the staff writers of NME and NME.com have selected the Best 100 Albums Of All-Time. though the list reeks of hipster cred and carries some dubious selections (Television's "Marquee Moon" and The Strokes' "Is This It?" ... both great albums but Top 10 of all-time? sorry chap don't think so), it's a pretty solid list. in order to see the full 100, you have to buy the magazine (it will likely take a week to arrive in the Midwest US). but whatevs.org is proud to be able to supply you with the Top 10:

1. The Stone Roses, "The Stone Roses"

2. Pixies, "Doolittle"

3. The Beach Boys, "Pet Sounds"

4. Television, "Marquee Moon"

5. The Beatles, "Revolver"

6. Love, "Forever Change"

7. The Strokes, "Is This It?"

8. The Smiths, "The Queen Is Dead"

9. The Velvet Underground, "The Velvet Underground & Nico"

10. The Sex Pistols, "Never Mind The Bollocks"

stuffed crust blues

i'm a sucker for product marketing. throw on a new TV spot, design some new packaging, or even put up an endcap or cardboard display in my local grocery store and chances are I'll try your product. i have a particular weakness for anything under the Yum! Brands umbrella (formerly Tricon, which itself was formerly a division of PepsiCo). for those not in the know, Yum! is the parent company of Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, A&W, KFC and Long John Silvers, and in my humble opinion, the best company in the world at putting a new spin on what amounts to be the same ole ingredients. Think about T-Bell and Pizza Hut ... how many different things can you do to spice up (sometimes literally!) a taco or a pizza? You'd think that as Americans (we're all Grade-A Consumers), we would've already explored virtually every possible way to make pizza. But therein lies the genius ... of COURSE we've already tried everything. Thanks to Ad Wizards everywhere, just package something as "New!" and people will buy it. If the product AND the concept is good (like The Big New Yorker), it will stick. If it isn't (like the P'Zone), it will flop. unfortunately for me but fortunately for you, I rolled over to my local Pizza Hut last night and placed an order for their new Stuffed Crust Gold...

a wise man once told me that "Hindsight is 20/20." years and years ago (Googling doesn't reveal origin dates), I tried the Stuffed Crust Pizza and declared it worst evs. the mozzarella in the crust was too thick and too rubbery and just plain gross. I declared "Never again" and decided that Hungry Howie's Flavored Crust (mmmm garlic) would be my only crust-based indulgence. well if you've seen any TV over the last two weeks and you're between 12-35, chances are that you've been hit with multiple impressions (ad wizard lingo) of Pizza Hut's new "Stuffed Crust Gold" campaign. for all intents and purposes, it's exactly the same as the old stuffed crust pizza, but now they've baked cheddar cheese into the crust -- this gives the crust an added boost of cheese flavor and a golden sheen. And while it certainly looks good sitting in the box, the taste leaves much to be desired. in general, Pizza Hut pizzas tend to taste generic, and this was no exception. while the pepperoni was done to perfection, i'm not even sure that there was any tomato sauce beneath the surface, which resulted in next to zero flavor buzz. and frankly, I just think that all that cheese just can't be healthy for you. cheese on the pizza, cheese on the crust and cheese IN the crust ... too much cheese. i was wicked hungry after not having time to eat lunch yesterday, and I felt like i was gonna hurl after three pieces of the SCG. i was only able to eat the crust of two of the three slices, and thank god. a quick check of this pizza's nutrional information reveals 430 calories and 20 grams of fat per slice! g-r-o-s-s!

insert your own caption here

just wondering...

reader retort: loud and clear

while his true identity may never be known, Frank McPicklebasket might as well be the Magic Sitar from "Moulin Rouge." he only speaks the truth. i quote a recent Damore comment when I say "McPicklebasket, you are my new hero. You actually write what we all only think." before we get into the meat of this particular reply, i hear the message. lay off the politics and stick to pop culture resets. GOTCHA! i thought i might be overstepping my bounds earlier (this is NOT to disparage or discourage any past or future Reader Retorts) with a post of such political nature, and it seems that FOWs to the Left and to the Rizz (and I'm not talkin' about Bleeding Hizzarts and Conservos) agree. thanks and props to McPicklebasket, wherever and whoever you are!

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From: "Frank McPicklebasket"
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com
Subject: Reader Retort
Date: Tue, 04 Mar 2003 11:08:09 -0900

Wow, JPMcKrengels has demonstrated he can read a newspaper and regurgitate it in an email, big effin' deal. This d-bag thinks he is doing a service to the FOWs without realizing that we don't want to hear his political douchentary when we visit whatevs.org. I must refer to my original comment on your site when I suggested any comment from JPMcKrengels be blocked.

It seems you were wary of placing The Giors' original political commentary on whatevs.org when you made comments like "I'd rather read a four month old issue of Entertainment Weekly than this week's US News & World Report." Well, you were right to be wary. Now we have this douche-nozzle hosing us down with political retort.

This is not a criticism as much as it is a plea not to turn this entertaining blog into the digital McLaughlin Group. FOWs such as myself want piping hot pop-culture content, not Dateline Douchebag. We visit whatevs.org to lighten our day and get away from schmeriousness.

You mentioned that "The Gorilla, C Friggedy, JJ Canfield and Kegzies are much smarter than the average bear when it comes to political issues." I must give props to The Gorilla and C Friggedy for not going off the handle with a douchebag response to The Giors as JPMcKrengels has. Its too bad JPMcKrengels felt he had to retort in spite of not being complimented as part of your FOW list of intellectual political commentators.

I just hope future political comments are limited to topics like a humorous observation that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed looks like Wario.

Frank McPicklebasket

reader re-retort

oh my. i can only imagine what the elusive Frank McPicklebasket is going to say ... personally, I'm quite proud of our favourite DB! good show ole chap, you'd make your U of M PoliSci / History profs proud!

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Subject: Reader re-retort
To: Markdgraham@yahoo.com
From: JP McKrengels
Date: Tue, 4 Mar 2003 11:45:26 -0500

I don't believe that this war is about oil. Not having this war is about oil as you have stated regarding German and French oil interests. Iraqi oil only counts for a relatively small percentage of American imported oil. So for the US, it's not really about oil in the way that the Gulf War was.

This impending war is about creating a stable Arabic State in the region which will in turn legitimize a Western culture swing that has been attempting to emerge since the early 1970's in the region. This is part of the reason that you have had the back lash of Islamic fundamentalism since that time.

Also, Arab states are among the worst in the world (although among the richest) for creating public welfare and education systems to support their own populations. This has also fostered a situation in these countries which ripe for fundamentalism- the lack of a modern and stable education system and a depressed economic situation for large portions of the Arabs under class. The government run media outlets, eager to deflect public attitude, has set the foundation for popular Arab distrust and hatred of the US. However, the US has made an easy target with the close support and relationship with Israel.

The Rand corporation was commissioned to a study and lay the strategy for nation building in the Arab world in the wake of the September 11th attacks to foster change in the public opinion in the Arab region regarding the US and Americans. This study identified Iraq as a nation ripe for democratic nation building through a combination of military force and then economic and political rebuilding period after the Baath regime had been ousted. Iraq is clearly the ideal country for such action. You will have the popular support of a terrorized citizenry and tyrannical dictator which will legitimize the take over. There is no other state in the region with these two qualities. In the US war strategy, Iraq will become the shining example of democracy for the region. This may be a pipe dream of the US, but nonetheless it the real reason for the invasion of Iraq not oil. I'm not saying that this is a legitimate reason or not ... it's just the real reason.

The Douche Bag,
JPMcKrengel

Note: If you think I'm full of it, pick up any Political Science publication or even the Op-Ed section of the Times.

mccarthyism 2003 stizz!

like so many great citizens throughout history, your own Uncle Grambo finds himself battling censorship! can you fargin' believe it? check out the email that I just received...

-----Original Message-----
From: Veho
Sent: Tuesday, March 04, 2003 11:23 AM
To: Graham, Mark
Subject: Re: RE:

so i just tried to go to whatevs.org and got this......you're totally dirty.

Adult Content Web Page Blocked
If you have a work related need to get to this web page, have your department head contact ITS customer support at (XXX-XXXX)

reader retort

i have to admit that my interest in politics pales in comparison to my interest in Buffy Season 4 coming out on DVD. i prefer visiting DavisDVD.com to the Chris Martin sanctioned MakeTradeFair.com. but this disinterest largely comes from the fact that whenever I get into political "discussions" (aka "arguments") with my conservative brethren, i always get schooled because I don't understand enough of the facts. let's face it, I'd rather read a four month old issue of Entertainment Weekly than this week's US News & World Report. i'd rather comment on how hot Ashleigh Banfield looks (still HOTT!) or if Dan Rather got schooled by Saddam (he DID!) than on what our foreign diplomatic stances should be. but that being said, I know some of the FOWs out there (namely The Gorilla, C Friggedy, JJ Canfield and Kegzies) are much smarter than the average bear when it comes to political issues. add another name to that list — The Giors. what follows is an interesting perspective on the impending war from one of whatevs.org's fave contributors...

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The Low Down on the Show Down
by: The Giors

It's on everybody's mind ... Iraq ... Saddam ... and Oil. The United Nations, the French, Ze Germans, and "W." I'm going to say what no one else will say, because I have no political identity, and have no fear of the ramifications of my writings. Yes this conflict is largely about oil, but not in the sense that most of us will think of, and yes this is an issue of global, and national security, and Saddam Hussein is the largest player in this compromised state of security.

Lets start with the United Nations, and the failure of that institution to carry out what it was set up to do. The UN was established to be an international governing body made up of intellectuals, and was to be the worlds watch dog so to speak. Another aspect of this body was to mirror our judicial system in that political agenda's were to be thrown out the window. Much like our judicial system this has not taken place. In fairness to the world the US did make a huge mistake in imposing economic sanctions against Iraq, without having other countries follow our example. This leads into the angle of how Oil plays a huge part of this conflict, and to our favorite cowards ... The French.

The French have some 10-20 billion dollars in contracts with the Iraq oil complex! Cut and dry: if there is a war the French government and private entities stand to loose those contracts and the billions of dollars that they would bring in. This is partially the error of The United States, because we have no current economic interest in Iraq, we failed to create that situation unilaterally throughout the world. We should negotiate all embargoes' through the UN to ensure that we are not alone in our economic world policy. This situation exists with Ze Germans as well. A popular career path for German engineers has become working on oil technology and applying it to the intellectually starved oil fields of middle eastern countries, including our friends in Iraq. It would be against Germany's interests to endorse a war with Iraq. These global politics have found a home in the halls of the UN, and quite frankly are rendering the institution powerless. Saddam Hussein has been caught with missiles that exceed the UN set range. Are we to seek comfort in the fact that after being caught he has agreed to destroy them? Are we to believe that he didn't know the missiles exceeded the UN regulations? The answer to all these questions are NO! The UN's attitude toward Saddam Hussein is that of an only child being punished for eating candy before dinner; we'll take the cookie away, but gosh darn he's so cute with his defiance that we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Back to the French ... sure the French owe us a lot for our intervention in the German occupation of France in WW2, but don't we owe them as well? I'm not talking about the gift of the Statue of Liberty, which has been a major symbol of our freedom and democracy, I'm talking about a little jam that the French bailed us out of. If not for the French helping the US in the revolutionary war we could very easily be under the rule of Queen Elizabeth right now. Ever notice the common street name Lafayette, General Lafayette was one of the most dominating players of the Revolutionary war. And while we spent the next hundred years paying back the French for their help it is a mistake to say "you owe us."

The major error in all of this is the international castration that George W. Bush has performed on the land of the free. By dragging his feet and looking for acceptance from any and all foreign governments, President Bush has inflated an issue of national security to an international debate. This was not the case when Bill Clinton bombed Iraq for four days in the final year of his second term. Why? because President Clinton did not ask his friends to ask out the girl on the playground, he walked up to her and did it himself. Clinton found out that Iraq had broken the terms of a US and UN agreement that was signed at the end of the Gulf War in 1991, and he took action. He didn't ask for the French or Ze Germans to chime in with their opinion, he took action as the leader of a sovereign nation, the most powerful nation in the world at that. Had this attack been planed soon after the September 11th attacks, no one would have questioned The US, or Saddam Hussein's regime. And for those of you who think Saddam Hussein is not connected with Terrorism you are burying your heads in the Iraqi desert sand. Saddam Hussein hates the US, and supports it's downfall, I don't need to see documents to know that if Osama, or one of his boys comes knocking on Saddam's door Saddam will not only open it, but assist them in anyway possible.

It is for this reason that Iraq is a higher priority than North Korea. Iraq is a major player in a region that has hatted the US since we supported an independent Israel. The presence of an unaccountable dictator with an endless pocket book, and the ability to act as a head of state is a huge threat to the free world. As a recognized mad man, and radical fundamentalist Muslim, the assisting of terrorist networks is not only acceptable to him, but is a pleasure and a duty. His ability to provide asylum for these terrorists is almost as dangerous as his ability to furnish them with the financial backing to carry out missions that take years of planning and millions of dollars to execute. The most pressing issue is the potential for Saddam to supply these determined murderous terrorist with weapons of mass destruction. In many ways Saddam Hussein is the most dangerous person on the face of the planet. It is a duty of this country to rid the world of Saddam Hussein and his murderous regime, as an extension of our vow to purge the world of terrorist whom threaten the rights of people to be free and secure. To not support the removal of this diabolical, infamous tyrant is at its roots an act of treason. To ignore the threat on our freedom that this man embodies is to ignore the victims of the September 11th attacks.

fat tuesday

or as Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas calls it, "Tuesday." yeah, i know, he's not fat anymore ... but STILL! anyhooz, if you're a Detroit-based FOW (uh, that would be 98.7% of you), chances are that you'll down a paczki (aka "poonch-key") at some point today. ever wondered how they're made? well, thanks to The Grizz, you can take the time to learn in today's Detroit News. the fact that I found most intriguing is that those who make the paczkis are (and I quote) "fueled by Newport Lights cigarettes and Pepsi." that's not as WT as, say, Winstons and Mountain Dew, but it's awfully close. best revelation since we learned that American Idol's Simon "smoked cigarettes, drank Red Bull and ate beef jerky" between performances at this fall's Detroit tryouts.

what kind of day would it be without breaking news about Wacko Jacko? Vanity Fair is reporting that Jackson spent $150,000 to put a voodoo curse on Steven Spielberg and wears a prosthetic nose. C'mon Vanity Fair, why you gotta pile on MJ? leave that to the tabloids, you've got no business dishing salacious dirt like that just to sell magazines. i thought you had more integrity than that! apparently Graydon Carter thinks otherwise...

the oracle of starbucks

what does your Starbucks drink of choice say about you? consult The Oracle Of Starbucks and find out. here's mine:

Drink: Venti Tazo Chai
Personality type: Pseudo-intellectual — You're liberal and consider yourself to be laid back and open minded. Everyone else just thinks you're clueless. Your friends hate you because you always email them virus warnings and chain letters "just in case it's true." All people who drink Venti Tazo Chai are potheads.
Also drinks: Sparkling water
Can also be found at: Designer grocery stores

wario revealed

is it just me or does recently captured Al Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed look just like Wario without his uniform on? this guy needs to learn from the rhymes of Preciousness and use some Nair on his shoulders and his back!

fore!

call me David Toms, cuz it's time to hit the links...

• thanks to GKVibe for sending over the adjacent photo of The Grizz (left), GKV (in Kodak form) and your Uncle Grambo (right). obvs more hotness from Damore's legendary Friday Night Throwdown...

• FOWs all over the plizz (namely Seantizz and The Gorilla) have been forwarding the news that Sergei Federov has finally confirmed that he was briefly married to the Patron Saint of Whatevs.org, Miss Anna Pornikova. why he chose this time to break the news is anyone's guess.

• there IS a god! according to reports issued by The Hollywood Reporter, Comedy Central has picked up a new reality show starring Gary Busey! "Busey is fascinating as a personality and an actor," said Lauren Corrao, senior vice president of original programming and head of development at Comedy Central. duh! no word on when this will air, but you can bet yo' ass that whatevs.org will be throwing a launch party!

• ad wizard / SNL genius / beloved FOW Nummer sent along some breaking buzz this afternoon. first of all, reports are breaking that David "Bananas" Boreanz has signed a three-picture deal to star in three Superman films for Warner Brothers and director B. Ratt. Angel as Superman? sounds like they're saving money on casting ... second of all, Nummzies is the first to dish that Breckin Meyer is in talks to star as John Arbuckle in 20th Century Fox's big-screen live-action/computer-animated adaptation of the "Garfield" comic strip, with JLH finalizing a deal to play his love interest (at least according to The Hollywood Reporter). let's just hope that this turns out better than "Scooby Doo." last but not least, he forwarded along news that Jack Black and Will Ferrell are teaming up to play biker cops in a new film to be penned by Judd Apatow, the legend who brought us "Freaks & Geeks." thanks for the piping hot content, Jason!

• whatevs.org compatriot Mike Kegler posted a retort to my retort to his original post on "Songbird" / BritPop over at Glamorama. inter-blog debates about the state of BritPop are best evs ... obvs.

• and to close out this post, I've got two hip-hop related links. over at Slate.com, they take the time to complain that 50 Cent's album is a watered down version of what gave him street cred in the first place. and over at Snark Hunting.com, staff writer Lucian James has analyzed all of the brand references in Eminem songs and concluded that "Eminem is losing his interest in auto and apparel brands", that "(he) has an increased interest in kitchen/household products; including Saran Wrap" and that "(his) top brand preoccupations are Weapons and pharmaceutical products." hilarious for marketing geeks and hip-hop enthusiasts alike.

lousy smarch!

holy shnikes, it's fargin' cold over heeeaaahhh. my good ole Envoy's temperature gage read a brisk 1 degree Farenhizzle this morn. fortunately for FOWs worldwide, Dirty McKean is singlehandedly heating things up on a Monday morn. he sent through a link to photos from Friday night's epic convergence of FOWs from Damore's Throwdown:

Fiesta della casa Damore (courtesy of Dirty McKean)