makin the rounds

as ConnieNYC used to say, "Here's What's News". Douce, we miss ya! where's the HWN love?

well the big news in Tha D last night was the large scale party held in honor of the upcoming release of the "8 Mile" dvd. whatevs.org's favourite news reporter, The Grizz, was on the scene to cover the night's events. on top of hobnobbing with the Hollywood elite, he found time to review the latest CDs from Evanescence ("sounds as though it's trying to rock a party in middle Earth") and Fabolous (his rhymes flow "with all the excitement and conviction of a lazy teen-ager who says 'I'll clean my room later' while sprawled out on the couch watching reruns of 'The Bozo Show'"). in the latter review, somehow The Grizz even manages to get off another shot at whatevs.org's favourite reality show when he proclaims that "the kind of standard-issue braggadocio that Fabolous revels in (skills, ice and women, natch) is about as earth-shattering as the final 'twist' episode of 'Joe Millionaire'". booya! and while we're on the subject of the music industry, word is breaking out of NYC that Jay-Z has dumped Beyonce. apparently she wasn't bootylicious enough for Jigga, and from the looks of the "Excuse Me Miss" video, he's doin' just fine. the dress that his elevator dream girl wears is the sickest thing i've seen since Liz Hurley showed up at the "Four Weddings & A Funeral" premiere. untz.

turning my focus westward, the hott news out of Hollywood this morning is that Warner Brothers is lining up Halle Berry to play the lead character in the oft-delayed "Catwoman" project. at various times throughout the past six or seven years, actresses such as Sandra Bullock and (more recently) Ashley Judd have expressed interest. despite her Oscar win last year, I still say that Halle Berry has less buzz than The Dell Dude. i just watched "Batman Returns" on Encore last night and there's no way that Berry's anesthetized sexuality can hold a candle to the sparkling S&M dynamics that Michelle Pfieffer brought to the role. i understand that HB is bringin' the heat in Hollywood these days, but did anyone really buy tickets to "Die Another Day" just to see her? is anyone really going to buy "X-Men 2" tickets because she's got a supporting role? of course not! no one saw "Swordfish" and she went topless in that! if I were producing the "Catwoman" movie, I can think that the salary that Berry will command could be spent in much more effective ways.

speaking of movies that I have no interest in seeing, "Dreamcatcher" is high on that list. despite a pretty decent pedigree (directed by Larry Kasdan, written by Stephen King, stars Morgan Freeman and Jason Lee), this movie has SIDS written all over it. however, i just read an article in The New York Times this morning that reveals that an exclusive 9-minute teaser for "The Matrix" will be shown before "Dreamcatcher" screenings. the article says that this CGI teaser features state of the art visuals and provides some integral information that you'll need to digest the next "Matrix" flick. this moves "Dreamcatcher" from "must-miss" to "must-see" status in my book, unless of course there's a Forum 30 day in our futures. then we can just sneak in for the preview and bolt to see "Final Destination 2" again!

this paragraph goes out to all my D-Town homies who are in the Auto Industry Ad Game (myself included). times are tough with The Big Three, and an editorial that appears on Slate.com by Daniel Gross boldly states that the once venerable Ford Motor Company is "really a marginally unprofitable auto manufacturer attached to a modestly profitable bank". i blame it solely on Ford Motor Media! maybe if your media buyers wore one of these "Where's My Insertion" thongs then all would be well. or maybe shitcanning JP McKrengels would do the trick! j/k holmes, just trying to bait Frank McPicklebasket into another ill-received post.

twib notes

i'm sure that the late, great Mel Allen will do cartwheels in his grave after this post. remember that show "This Week In Baseball"? it was a syndicated program that recapped the highlights from the prior week of baseball, a proto-"Inside Stuff." anysluts, there used to be this segment called "TWIB Notes", which obviously was an acronym for the show. well looking back at the events of this week, i can't help but think that TWIB should start to stand for "This Week In Blowjobs". although i don't have the stats to prove it, i'm pretty damn sure that the media is at its highest Billy Joel reporting ratio since the whole Lewinsky ordeal. the week got off with a bang ("got off" ... "with a bang" ... i'm fiendishly best evs at mixin' in the entendres) with the now infamous and highly illegal Puma ads. there was a fair share of discussion and debate that was stirred up by that little post, but it now appears that beejers are the hottest marketing trend since Olestra. thanks to the consistently amazing Gawker (via T-Rob), whatevs.org is proud to present you with this Soviet vodka advertisement. it's not as in your face (*again* with the entendres!) as the Puma ads (or should that be on your leg?), but it's still pretty racy. but by next week, i imagine that this ad will be positively June Cleaver-esque. the explosion of hummer related ads can't be stopped!

but not to be outdone by the media, word broke out of Saint Clair Shores, MI that a 14-year old boy was suing the Lake Shore school district, claiming that he was "victimized" on Feb. 6 when a female student performed oral sex on him during a science class. are you effin' kiddin' me? this kid got blown by a girl underneath a long, laboratory table during science class and then got suspended from school. the blowjob queen was not punished. personally, i can't see how this kid could claim to be "victimized" — if this would've happened when I went to school, he would've been the most famous kid in the history of the Rochester School district! but the real kicker to the story is the fact that, in a letter to parents, Superintendent John Brackett compared this in-class Billy Joel to the events of September 11th! i quote: "Just like our country was shocked into awareness when, never-before acts of terrorism occurred in New York City, our district was shocked into awareness when middle school students engaged in indecent acts in the classroom." hmmm, let's see. thousands of deaths versus "un petit mort" (as the French call it). that makes perfect sense! developing ...

all over the plizz

i'm being pulled in about 18 different directions at work, so apologies for the overabundance of Lukewarm Content For Your Sexy Bods so far this week. my boss is out of town until Tuesday, which means that the time I spend in meetings has more than tripled. right now is the first time that I have been to my desk since about 10:45 this morning. so in order to satiate your need and slip you into different sleeves, here are some choice links for you children from those ugly new houses who could never begin to know...

this just in from the Medical Journals of Duh! magazine! according to Dr. Aaron M. White of the erstwhile Duke University Medical Center, many US college students who drink say that they have also experienced blackouts while drinking, sometimes finding out later that they have engaged in unsafe sex, vandalism or other dangerous activities. According to Dr. White, "This stands in contrast to the long-held assumption that blackouts are probably not very common among young, healthy drinkers." no shatts. you FOWs out there better watch out for these new things called "blackouts"! oh yeah, just about every one of you who attended Damore's Throwdown know what a blackout is! buzz.

reports out of Munich state that 24-year old Christiane Kittel has just emerged from a six year coma. while whatevs.org supports miracles in all incarnations, the truly astounding thing about this particular instance is that she emerged from her coma during a Bryan Adams concert. this is completely contradictory to 99.9% of other Adams fans who typically are reported to be in a lifeless and vegetative state during his live peformances.

in a punchline that would make Dr. Evil proud, former "Miami Vice" bigwig and underage Melanie Griffith banger Don Johnson was recently questioned after he was discovered crossing the German border with EIGHT BILLION DOLLARS!!! yes, i just said EIGHT BILLION DOLLARS! not eight million or even eighty million, but EIGHT BILLION DOLLARS! developing...

according to a post over at Felix Salmon.com, Puma is apparently mega-pissed about the raunchy fake ads that have been plastered all over the 'Net this week. sounds like there might be threats of legal action. developing...

and to close out today's buzz, if you want proof positive that "The Rules Of Attraction" was one of last year's best films, look no further than this review courtesy of ScreenIt.com. this is a site that was developed for parents so that they could understand more about the movies that their children were watching. among other topics, the site talks about potential imitative behaviour resulting from viewing this film:

Due to so many potentially objectionable things often occurring simultaneously (thus making it hard to note multiple categories at the same time), the following should be considered a bare minimum.

• Phrases: "Get the f*ck out of here," "What the f*ck /you talking about/is this?" "F*ck you," "Get the f*ck out of my crib," "I think you're a rich, m*therf*cking m*therf*cker," "F*ck you," "Jesus f*cking Christ," "F*cking A," "You get me straight, f*ckhead," "I need you like I need a m*therf*cking asshole on my elbow," "Just f*cking with you," "Don't f*ck it up," "What the f*ck am I doing?" "(That's) None of your f*cking business," "You were just f*cking with me," "Getting f*cked up," "You f*cked up," "How the f*ck am I supposed to know?" "Are you f*cking crazy?" "You're a f*cking asshole," "Sh*tload," "Bullsh*t," "Tough sh*t," "You piece of sh*t," "Fag," "Bitch (for men and women), "Rich ass," "Hot damn," "Saturday's suck ass," "Shut up," "Knocked up," "Slutty," "You're a dirty bitch," "Rock 'n roll," "What the hell are you doing?" "Sucked," "Chick" (woman), "She's a fag hag" and "What the hell does that mean?"

more Polanski buzz

so as I was rolling into work this morning and listening to TrudiNews (from the Drew & Mike show), I was surprised to hear her reciting all of the details that I presented in my Polanski post yesterday as part of her newsreel. she didn't mention any sources specifically, but she talked about how people were beginning to accuse Miramax of running a smear campaign vs. Polanski. she even mentioned John Nash! this inspired me to spend some time this morning searching out some "credible" journalists out there who had similar thoughts on their mind. i found a few over at Movie City News.com, which is kind of a glorified blog about all things Hollywood.

snl season 28 ... REVEALED!

pre-show comments on this week's Hayek / X-Tina episode from the devastatingly sexxxy duo of Nummer and The H-Bomb.

oscar campaigning gets ugly

despite the fact that there is more buzz for the upcoming Ray Romano episode of SNL than there is for this year's Oscars, the campaigning that goes on both in public and behind closed doors took a drastically nasty turn yesterday afternoon. as you may or may not be aware, the race for this year's Academy Award for Best Director seems to be a dead heat between Martin Scorsese ("Gangs Of New York"), Rob Marshall ("Chicago") and Roman Polanski ("The Pianist"), but Marshall and Polanski have all of the recent buzz on their side. both Scorsese and Marshall have the marketing machine of Harvey Weinstein and Miramax backing them — anyone who's ever heard the name Harvey Weinstein knows that he'll do ANYTHING to add to his Oscar coiffers. so I find it incredibly hard to believe that his team wasn't behind The Smoking Gun's release of the grand jury minutes in Polanski's 1977 sexual assualt on a 13-year old girl, a case which led to Polanski's exile from the United States. the minutes graphically detail the events that led to charges being filed against Polanski, including drugging the girl with Quaaludes, nude photography, hot tubbing and ultimately when Polanski (and I quote) "put his penis in (the 13 year old's) butt." Polanski was 43 years old at the time. he immediately fled the country rather than face charges in Los Angeles and hasn't set foot back in the United States in over 25 years.

sick, right? Polanski is a depraved individual, right? he's obviously got LOTS of problems and probably doesn't deserve to be living the life of a playboy overseas, directing films and earning millions of dollars, right? he deserves to be punished, right? while I agree with all of the statements that I just wrote, you cannot HELP but question the timing of the release of these documents. according to TSG, this report was "quietly unsealed four months ago by L.A. Superior Court Judge David Wesley" — while I won't claim to know anything about the judicial process and timing of releasing sealed Grand Jury Minutes to the public, I find it ridiculously hard to believe that it is mere coincidence that these reports were issued just 10 days before the Oscar ceremonies. i mean come ON! these minutes were unsealed four months ago -- why didn't we read about it then? i'll tell you why. back then "The Pianist" and Polanski were barely on the radar screen of Academy voters. people were thinking that Denzel ("Antwone Fisher"), Philip Noyce ("The Quiet American"), Alexander Payne ("About Schmidt") and even Julie Taymor ("Frida") would get the last Best Director nomination. but Roman and "The Pianist" surprised all of the prognosticators by landing Best Picture, Best Director and Best Actor nominations and suddenly the game was afoot. and just like when a campaign for political office gets too close for comfort, those running resort to mudslinging wherever possible. it happened a few years back when "The Hurricane" was in the running (Ruben Carter was a wife-beater and the movie skipped over that part of his life) and resulted in killing all "Hurricane" buzz, and it happened last year with "A Beautiful Mind" (remember all of the John Nash gay controversy?). so when Roman started picking up heat after his BAFTA (the British equivalent of Oscar) win last week, i can only imagine that Harv decreed that someone dig up some last-minute dirt on Polanski and get it out so Rob Marshall or Scorsese could steal some votes. and if you take the time to read the transcripts on TSG, there's no way that you could ever cast a vote or even a glance Polanski's way without vomiting. i'll go on record right here and now as saying that this effectively ends his contention for this prize, and you can lay the blame solely on dirty Oscar politics.

i can't find any reporting about this issue in any major paper, but I'll keep looking. please let me know if you stumble upon any articles that agree with my POV.

open question

who knew?

...that Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest vacation together?

...that Corey Haim was selling his teeth on E-Bay?

...that Americans saw an average of 5.7 films each and paid an average of $5.80 per ticket in 2002, making it the best moviegoing year since 1957?

...that bottled watter is so ridiculously skanky? (courtesy of The Gorilla)

...that Cokehead Ferrell unsuccessfully tried to pick up my girl Gwynnie Paltrizz in a swanky Los Angeles area restaurant while wearing "the tightest jeans on Planet Earth"?

welcome interstate managers

good news for the FOWs. the original FoW, the Fountains Of Wayne, have scheduled a June 3rd release date for their third full-length album, "Welcome Interstate Managers", on S-Curve/Virgin Records. The Grizz, Mandypantalons and I were there last fall when FoW rocked The Shelter with tons of unreleased hottness. their catchy power pop prowess is virtually guaranteed a place on The Grahammy's Top 10 Albums of 2003. mark this date on your calendar.

ever wondered what whatevs.org would look like if I were a New York Hipster instead of a Midwestern Marketing Program Manager? look no further than The Modern Age. I discovered this site yesterday and it's quickly rising my list of best evs sites to surf. totally deck.

first gucci pubes, now puma jazz

and i'm not talkin' Miles Davis. thanks to the Puma ad on the right and the prior Diane Lane post, today easily ranks as the single most perverted day in the history of whatevs.org. a good chunk of the morning has been spent researching whether the ad on the right is real or fake. props out to MacK10 and T-Rob for helping to scour the web to determine the origin of this jpeg (which can also be found in red). earlier this morn, i unleashed some ridiculous Sherlock Holmes laden theories theories that the ad is a hoax (which Gawker quickly backed), but now word is breaking that the ads are running in Brazilian versions of Maxim. either way, these ads are both disgusto and supremely tigs at the same time. can publication in American mags be far off?

who'd a thunk it?

apparently Stephen Malkmus hates Jimmy Fallon ever more than Nummer and The H-Bomb! well, at least according to Page Six! he's quoted as saying "I want to take out that Jimmy Fallon anti-talent. I'm mad at Jimmy Fallon for being average and getting so much credit just because he's cute." this isn't Stephen's first shot at celebs — flash back to "Range Life" and his jabs at Smashing Pumpkins ("nature kids / and they don't have no function / I dont understand what they mean / And I could really give a fuck") and Stone Temple Pilots ("they're elegant bachelors / they're foxy to me are they foxy to you?"). it's all part of SM's charm. his highly anticipated new album with The Jicks streets on March 18th ... the new Spin reveals an "A".

on a (sorta) related note, Nummer took the time this morning to reveal the line-up for the next three episodes of SNL Season 28 ...

• 03.15.03 - Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
  

• 04.05.03 - Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte (Nummer says: "Bernie Mac. If Latifah can surprise me, so can Bernie.")

• 04.12.03 - Ray Romano / Zwan (Nummer says: "Romano. SO MUCH BUZZ. Romano. I hate his show, but his 1998 hosting duties were amazing funny.Zwan. Buzz.")

is there anything better than...

when celebrity nipples are revealed? hot areola buzz, courtesy of Diane Lane at last night's SAG Awards. she certainly wasn't "SAG-ging", if you catch my drift. "i'd like to ace her deuce, if you get my meaning." "i'd like to fuck her on the tennis court, if you get my meaning." (quick "Kicking and Screaming" reset, in case you didn't catch the reff)

doggystyle

literally!

btw

reader retort

it's been awhile since we've heard from the FOW alternately known as Glavzies and Ray Gunn. i received this late submission for the Friday Afternoon Topic a few hours after the deadline ... enjoy!

---

From: Glavzies
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com
Subject: Man....
Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2003 20:59:01 -0500

I'm disappointed you didn't send me the Friday afternoon topic... All I had to do was cut and paste from my diary about bo and luke duke, which I update every night before I fall into a deep slumber.... I am a diligent reader of whatevs; and even though I work as many hours as cooter and, many times, seem m.i.a. like the general lee in episode three when bo and luke pick up a pretty hitchhiker to add to their woes while trying to escape the highway patrol in a moonshine car (there was no general in this episode... kinda makes you scratch your head, doesn't it?), I still could have expressed my deep praise for tv's two greatest heroes. Man, you've always hated the south...... Those of us fortunate enough to live south of the mason-dixon line know your type and know your hatred of the robin-hood-esque little guy... So, go drink your light beer and talk about how y'all are yellow. And to think, ray gunn once stated that you had a heart warmer than a coon dog's breath and a soul sweeter than a drop of mississippi honey. Now I know, you have enough hot air to fill an onion bag!