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Friday, September 03, 2004
while last night's blistering speech by President Bush made me throw up in my mouth on more than occasion (when he teared up talking about 9/11, I couldn't help relating it to when William Hurt's character did the same thing in "Broadcast News"), i don't see any scenarios emerging in which Kerry gets elected as president. we'll see how things come out in the debates, but right now things are looking pretty dire for the Dems.
 while your Uncle Grambo has never been accused of being fashionable, i'm finding a hard time believing that Sarah Jessica Parker's new "necktie underNEATH the shirt" look is gonna catch on out here in the hinterlands. in fact, i'm having a hard time believing it's gonna catch on anywhere. man, whatever happened to The Gap? last year there was that whole Madge / Missy abortion of a campaign, now they try to pass off Smarty Jones Broderick and Lenny Durstvitz as reasons that we should buy their denim? er, not so much. i'd rather buy a Buick from Harley Earl!
Tom Sizemore is entering Robert Downey Jr. territory with his recent drug abuse. not only is homeboy on probie for beating the tarnation outta Heidi Fleiss, but he was arrested last week for possession of a controlled substance and walked out of court-ordered drug test this week without providing a sample. but once again proving that Hollywood values money above all else, Sizemore has a prominent role in this weekend's release of "Papparazzi" ... no buzz.
DUH!!!
i'm not sure that your Uncle Grambo understands enough about the auto industry to comment on the ramifications surrounding the recent announced cutbacks in production by GM and Ford, but I do know that extending the GM Lease Pull Ahead Program through May 31st of 2005 doesn't bode well for the industry. great for consumers, bad for business.
ouch! The Freep's Terry Lawson lays the smackdown on Mira Nair's "Vanity Fair": "Imagine "Sense and Sensibility" with a soundtrack of sitar music or "Howard's End" with an elephant interlude and you'll get the idea."
Diddy Kong to wrestle Hulk Hogan for a million dollars? Ferndale to institute a 5 cent per drink tax? DEVELOPING!
knickers ... always better revealed than not revealed. obvs.
best story ever! how come no one is talking about this? Rod "The Bod" Stewart totally brained Paul Oakenfold's father-in-law with a soccer ball at a recent show, sending him into convulsions! now Oakenfold is threating to sue Rod The Bod ... mmmmBEST!
and with that, your Uncle Grambo is Audi 2000 5000. have a lovely Labor Day weekend, peeps. see you in Ann Arbor and GO BLUE!!!
posted by uncle grambo |
Thursday, September 02, 2004
so your Uncle Grambo spent a little time at lunch today catching up on an old issue of The Metro Times ... i normally don't sit around reading two week old alternative newspapers (the very definition of old news, yo), but I made an exception for this particular issue because it named the winners of their annual Summer Fiction Contest. slowly pawing through the issue, i was stopped cold in my tracks by the following poem (which also happened to win first prize in the contest). Anne M. Rashid's "Empty Structures" is an instant masterpiece that everyone who grew up in or around Detroit will identify with. while it specifically references the implosion of the old Hudson's building on Woodward and its lasting effects on the collective psyche of Detroit, i think it's thematically larger and certainly applicable to any number of landmarks around this or any other town (like the old Packard Plant, as pictured above and courtesy of The Fabulous Ruins Of Detroit). i certainly hope that you enjoy this temporary diversion from teen starlets and Franz Ferdinand bashing as much as i did.
Empty Structures
by Anne M. Rashid (Detroit)
When there is nothing left of this city that you remember,
write it down. Pick up the pieces of old Hudson’s,
the last department store on Woodward,
the chandeliers that hung over the perfume counters,
the intricate railings that took you from one level to the next.
Think of the way your mother dressed you up to go there -
the gloves and hats and topcoats
that held you together on snowridden days.
Remember your grandmother’s vanity - how she posed
with each clever hat upon her permed head,
the hours spent watching her try on shoes
to give her a few more inches on the world.
When the entire building implodes
and the dust full of asbestos billows
up and over the heads of the suburban spectators,
think about creation, nostalgia
and the fabrication of mourning.
It’s true it stood empty for a decade,
and everyone forgot it until its improper death -
but what would your grandmother say now?
We charge ahead, beyond these empty structures,
holding out our hands to catch the past
falling down around us, scrambling in a frenzy
to get it all down, commit each piece to memory -
much like your grandmother in her shades of blue
played sonata after sonata on her baby grand,
the high society woman of the twenties,
drifting from one piece to the next
for all of old Detroit to hear.
Now, after one building goes, another stands alone
upon shadowy Woodward, leaving us to grieve
on lonely corners, glorifying memory
on out of tune pianos, making marks
upon places that once were grand.
posted by uncle grambo |
 who else is getting pumped for Saturday? The Angel Of The Big House puts the spotlight on Michigan senior WR Braylon Edwards in today's DetNews. look for a big season out of #1, but only if he can shake the nasty case of The Drops that he suffered through last season. i'm betting he's gonna have a All American type season. buzz.
when I'm asked to name the foremost relationship expert in this hemisphere, there is only one name that comes to mind: Dr. Luvvie Smalls (aka Claire Zulkey). in today's column, Luvvie boldly attempts to solve one of the utmost dilemnas facing this or any other generation: "What is the proper etiquette for sexual relations when one of the participants happens to starring in a reality television show?"
i don't know about you, but your Uncle Grambo is kinda over The Bush Twins. a reader who wishes to remain anonymous sent me this link to their "speech" from Tuesday night; after watching their routine, i decided it was time to put a stop to our menage à best before feelings got hurt. that being said, if you're still down with the cause, I offer you all the juicy Bush daughter gossip you can muster. if that isn't enough for ya, check out The Boston Globe's feature called "Twinspotting" ... hott. [via Anonymous Outsider and K8t, respectively]
Yankee Pot Roast presents "Deleted Lines from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Speech at the Republican National Convention": "My fellow Americans, I implore you to reelect George W. Bush, unless, of course, you want to get a Raw Deal." good show, Mr. Tobey, good show. also poking fun at Ah-Nuld is dead president Martin Van Buren, who managed to get access to an unedited transcript of The Governator's speech: "Hey does anybody remember when Carl Weathers died in 'Predator'? First it makes you sad and then angry because the tragedy could have been prevented -- just like 9/11. George Bush was President during 9/11 and even though he didn't save Carl Weathers or the World Trade Center, he did things that helped the people and the economy and multi-millionaire actor/governors. Sorry, what was I talking about?"
this EASILY ranks as the Best Page Six "Sighting" Of All-Time ... "TARA Reid sipping margaritas in the pool at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills getting a back rub from some swarthy Middle Eastern-looking guy."
Rochester Adams High School revealed ... again! add Peter Vanderkaay to the storied list of AHS alums who are making a dent in the world. Homeboy won a gold medal in the 4X200 freestyle relay at the Laff-A-Lympics, yo! other famous Adams alums include Madonna, supermodel Kirsten Zang and your Uncle Grambo. welcome to the club, holmes!
big news for Stern fans. is Artie quitting to pursue sitcom stardom? and will Jackie The Joke Man decide to stop banging Florence Henderson and return to the show? DEVELOPING!
nice package. Brit Brit's ex-hubbie, Jason Alexander, gets ALL toe up at a Miami nightclub and ends up making out with a she-male for FOUR HOURS!!! i commend Star for their continued excellence in dirt digging! [via Scott Stereogum, who also happens to be the subject of today's Gothamist Interview]
ever wondered what it's like to be a Scientologist? c'mon, admit it, of course you have! Defamer exposes what REALLY goes down behind the closed doors of the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood. buzz.
separated at birth? Foxy Jess and Kurt Cobain! [via Cewebrity]
worst ad campaign ever? Buick finally decides to stick a fork in the horrendously unsuccessful Harley Earl campaign. according to reps at McCann Erickson, the campaign was meant to attract younger buyers who tend to view the brand as stodgy. geez, I wonder why a campaign centered around a virtually unknown car designer WHO HAS BEEN DEAD FOR THIRTY YEARS didn't resonate well with young buyers? btw, that was a rhetorical question. obvs.
and oh yeah, Kobe walked. did you really expect anything else to happen? she mars on YOUR monkey bars. bobvs.
posted by uncle grambo |
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
man, i sure wish that they would broadcast news like this in advance! Twinkle and Turquoise made a surprise appearance at the RNC last night when they took the stage at MSG to introduce their mother! while noting that the pair were "notably underdressed", The New York Times described their mini-speech as "a sassy, sexy serende" ... no diggity, no doubt. Babs chose to go all slinky on your Uncle Grambo by sporting a sleeveless black dress, while Twinkle repped with a shiny brown jacket and jeans. untz. despite losing buzz in my book for resetting OutKast, it sounds like the dynamic duo made a good impression in their first real public statements. [thanks to Jen Gothamist for the buzz]
only a few miles away in Flushing Meadows, Maria Sharapova gave us all a scare but ended up winning her first-round match at the U.S. Open in three nervewracking sets. you just know that the sponsors and execs at CBS are SALIVATING with the thought of the ratings that would accompany a rematch of Shara-Best-A and Serena in the finals. word.
in the history of bad ideas, this one goes up there with putting Dan Ackroyd and Rosie O' Fat in bondage gear on the big screen ... Bobby Knight to star in a sitcom? DEVELOPING!
will US Weekly's proclamation that Jessica Simpson is the best dressed woman in Hollywood assauge her fears that Nick's guest spot on "Charmed" is going to result in a break-up of their marriage? while banging Alyssa Milano definitely had buzz in the mid-90s, she's been sans buzz since her Eva Save-A-Lot character got pulled off the air. i'd advise Mr. Lachey to keep tapping that familiar ass for the time being. snatch.
The Thigh Master has got the hott SFW Playboy snaps of Jessica Cutler, aka Washingtonienne or whatever. if you're feeling particularily randy and NSFW, check out Fleshbot. female bloggers in Playboy? kinda best.
no way! Sara, of "Mojo In The Morning" fame, is spotted by the paparazzi draped ALL OVER Tom Cruise! buzzles!
while CBS searches for Craig Kilborn's replacement, the network has lined up four guest hosts for "The Late Late Show." making the grade are Michael Ian Black, D.L. Hughley, Amy Sedaris and JIM FREAKING ROME! the clones are going CRAZY with this announcement! SO BEST!!! [via Coach Glinka]
Davis is reporting that David Lynch's Palme d'Or winning masterpiece, "Wild At Heart", will make its long-anticipated debut as a Region 1 DVD on December 7th. Bobby Peru ... so best. [via The Grizz]
not that social, just a good drinker. Carrie Smith quits The Von Bondies. the last remaining amount of Von Bondie buzz just walked out the door, yo. [via Nummer]
memo to Michael Moore: while you're without a doubt a talented filmmaker, your Op-Ed skills kinda blow. stick to voiceovers, yo. [via GKVibe]
finally, MTV tracks down Brit Brit's whereabouts on Sunday night and explains the reason that she and her Love Rat Fiancé were VMA no-shows. according to her reps, her knee began swelling and doctors advised her not to fly. um, excuse me for a second, i've got something in my throat. *cough* BULLSHIT *cough*. sorry about that. anyway, it turns out that she also ditched out on commitment to make an appearance at The Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts. instead, she appeared with the Love Rat via satellite, and children and parents alike complained that her attention was focused elsewhere. as she continues to anger her core constituency with her erratic WT behaviour, her star grows dimmer and dimmer. as always, developing...
posted by uncle grambo |
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
 hott development regarding The Bush Twins ... the Secret Service has nicknamed them Twinkle and Turquoise! your Uncle Grambo would just LOVE to show Turquoise (aka Barbara) his 64-count box of Crayolas, ifyaknowwhutwhutimsayin. buzzles.
backstreets back AIIIGHT! Nick Carter, fresh off of being dumped by Paris Hilton, has started banging Dalene Kurtis, the 2002 Playmate Of The Year. some say best rebounder since Sir Charles! [via Gossiplist]
there's some new broad on "The Apprentice" that's representing some local buzz. check these snaps of U of M grad / Dearborn Heights raised Elizabeth Jarosz. hey Dearborn! [via Beat Royalty]
Shocktober is gonna be a big month for concerts here in The D™. Bruce Springsteen, R.E.M., Rilo Kiley, Wilco, Death Cab For Cohen, The Killers and The Moz have already announced dates, now you can add Interpol to that list. they'll be touring in support of "Antics" and will hit the State Theater on Shocktober 15th. [via MotorCityRocks.com]
in the span of two days, we've gone from "Mission Accomplished" to "I don't think you can win the war on terror" to "we will win" ... where's all this flip-flopping and flop-flipping coming from? our nation's president, obvs! keep your eye on 1115.org for further developments on this story and other poli-hottness.
if you've been dreaming of zombies, Uncle Grambo has got some hott news to whet your appetite. principal photography on George Romero's "Land Of The Dead" will begin in October. zombies. zombies. zombies.
some say most anticipated commercial evs! Spaz Luhrman and Nikkie Kidman collaborate on a $10 million spot for Chanel No. 5. [via The Backer]
get your hands off of my sandwich, motherfucker! Justin Hawkins, lead singer of The Darkness, has admitted that he's a bulimic. durst!
for those that missed the recent E! True Hollywood Story and are wondering what ever happened to Corey Haim, wonder no more. dude claims that he used to take 85 valium pills a day!
one of whatevs.org's resident SNL experts, Nummer, is reporting that Queen Latifah will be hosting the October 9th episode with The Scissor Sisters lined up as musical guests. still no word on a host or musical guest for the October 2nd premiere ... developing!
Weezer decides to scrap nearly 10 months of recording sessions they made with producer Rick Rubin. since fans won't be hearing any new Weezer tracks until at least 2005, you should check out Rivers Cuomo's My Space profile for a few acoustic demos from the band's frontman. [via Pitchfork]
blog round-up!
posted by uncle grambo |
back in 1956, a young Massachusetts senator named John Fitzgerald Best Ever wrote a book called "Profiles In Courage" that ended up winning the Pulitzer Prize. in 2004, your Uncle Grambo has been inspired to begin writing a sequel of sorts, a book that I'm tentatively calling "Profiles In Hottness." chapter 1: The Bush Twins! the sight of these two hotties parading around the RNC makes your Uncle Grambo wanna do The Rockaway and just lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back. eff those horse-faced Kerry daughters, i wanna get my con-SWERVE-ative on with some regal blue blooded hottness! as much as i loathe the idea of giving press to the right, some say the RNC is fast becoming must watch tee vee, if only for the POTENTIAL of a quick flash of Barbara leg or Jenna cleav. developing!
hey all you singletons out there ... still wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places? if so, put your faith in Mekeisha Madden of DetNews fame and trying scoring at a funeral! what, you didn't realize that grief-stricken widows are extra horny after burying their husbands? stop being such a stupid virgin and start sport fucking, mortuary stizz. apparently it's extra hott when you bovs on some graveside tees ... psyche! WORST ARTICLE EVER!
 everyone's buzzing about the outfit that Serena Williams wore to last night's US Open, including your Uncle Grambo. i love her energy, both on and off the court. wonder if B. Ratt is still hittin' them skins? but the real story of the evening was the emotional announcement by Todd Martin that he's retiring from the game. he has long been one of your Uncle Grambo's favourites, not just because he's local but because of the dignity he showed in some high profile, epic five-set losses (`96 Wimbledon semis to Mal Washington, `99 US Open final to Agassi). your game will be missed, Todd Martin. stay obvs, yo.
Kate Winslett is more like Kate Winshott in this photo spread from this weekend's NYT. too bad the same can't be said for Hulk Hogan's skanked out daughter, Brooke. i got news for ya, dressing like a cracked out Bridge & Tunnel Ho at age 16 will not put you on the road to fortune and fame, even if your pa is The Hulkster. [via Miss Modernage and Jen Gothamist, respectively]
in case you were confused by the cryptic advertisements during Sunday night's VMAs, Eminem's fourth studio LP, "Encore", will be released on November 16. seems a little strange that he's releasing it so close on the heels of the latest D12 jawn, but maybe there's some synergy there that'll create buzz for both records. i'm really nervous about this record ... seems like Em is due for a creative letdown, doesn't it? but then again, your Uncle thought the same thing before "The Eminem Show" and the "8 Mile" soundtrack came out, and I most certainly wasn't disappointed then. i proclaim Buzz. [via The Grizz]
someone's gotta rein in this Andy Serkis jackass. his strict adherence to the Method and subsequent extreme overacting is makin' me thirsty. apparently Peter Jackson will base the "performance" of King Kong on Serkis, much as he did with Gollum in "LOTR." so in preparation for the "role" (and by "role", i mean "he won't even be on the effing screen!"), Serkis has been spending time studying gorillas in Rwanda ... WTF?!? wanna know what's even durst? he sent a bunch of home video tapes of apes to Naomi Watts so she could prepare, too! GET OVER YOURSELF, you CGI douchebucket!
Lloyd Carr named redshirt sophomore Matt Gutierrez as starting QB for Saturday's big game against Miami of Durstville. can't wait until my Wolverines beat the living daylights out of those preppy jackholes from south of the border. HOLLA!
best worst name that your Uncle has heard in a long time belongs to 18-year old Russian tennis phenom Vera Douchevina!
ah, I bet you thought I was gonna let this one slide, didn't ya? WRONG-O! hey Paula Radcliffe, you blow! way to display the Olympic spirit by quitting ... AGAIN! two races, two quits. maybe if they start handing out Laff-A-Lympic Gold Medals for quitting, you can finally make your way to the winner's stand. limeys ... no buzz.
can you even BEGIN to imagine how much play that Michael Phelps would get if he were actually, I don't know, GOOD LOOKING? dude makes The Predator (unmasked stizz!) look like Scott Speedman. bovs.
Laura Branigan, RIP. one of the first songs that your Uncle Grambo remembers falling in love with was her 1982 chart-topper "Gloria" ... i vividly remember looking up what the word "alias" meant in the dictionary because of this song. it was important to me that I understood the words of the song that I was singing along to, yo. discovering this track (and, to be fair, John Cougar's "Jack and Diane") prompted me to begin holding my tape recorder up to the radio during America's Top 40 so I could play my favorite songs over and over again. Laura Branigan, you will never be forgotten.
posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, August 30, 2004
i'm not quite sure where to start with this rant. last night's VMAs were so atrociously durst on so many levels that ACTUALLY INVITING Fred Durst to the ceremonies would've made for better television. i mean, i sat down last night with the intention of blogging the VMAs, i really did. howevs, i found myself so incredibly bored that i shut off my laptop before Urrrrrsher's performance was even complete. keep in mind that your Uncle Grambo is a huge fan and vocal supporter of the network, but even the most ardent of advocates are demanding the heads of the MTV Production Team responsible for unleashing last night's Black Hole of Buzz.
 let's begin by recapping the evening's highlights. aside from the wonderous "what the fuck" moment of Bruce Willis stepping off Diddy Kong's yacht in the pre-game, the show was largely bereft of buzz. while I hate the idea of Yellowcard winning ANY award at ANY time, it was fun to see performers show ACTUAL emotion and GENUINE delight in winning an award (I'm looking in your direction, Gwen Stefani). and it was nice to see Shaq looking slim, trim and INCREDIBLY pissed off ... mark my words, he's going to literally rape Kobe Bryant the next time he sees him. he's just got that look in his eye, that look that burns from within, that look that screams "you pissed me off SO much that I'm going to rape you and I'm gonna love every second of it even though I'm not even gay." if I were Kobe, I'd retire and / or pray for jail time. bovs.
ok, now onto the lowlights. no, wait. we could be here all day. instead of picking on everyone associated with the show, it's probably best to focus my criticism with laserlike precision on two individuals: Executive Producers Salli Frattini and Dave Sirulnick. while I'm sure there are dozens (if not hundreds) of MTV staffers that deserve blame for even being loosely associated with the broadcast, the buck stops with Frattini and Sirulnick. only they can be blamed for moving forward with the decision not to have a host, a decision that left the show hopelessly adrift and complete devoid of any semblence of continuity. even more astounding was their willingness to serve up reheated leftovers and pass them off as gourmet hottness. case in point, the Alicia Keys performance that rolled out tired ass douchebags Stevie Wonder and Lenny Kravitz with ACTUAL expectations that the pairing would leave audiences salivating for more. uh, hello?!? Madonna rolled Kravitz out of the rack to perform "Ray Of Light" at the `98 VMAs and Will Smith dragged Wonder on stage in `99 during a duet of "Wild Wild Wurst" ... or don't you remember that? B-O-R-I-N-G!
the duo should also be blamed for rolling OutKast out of the grave to perform their oh-so-fresh medley of "I Like The Way You Move" / "Hey Ya" ... wait, didn't we already see these performances? oh yeah, we did ... BACK IN FUCKING FEBRUARY, YO (Billboard Awards, Grammys, NBA All-Star Weekend)!!! after seeing this bullshit, i was half expecting Beyonce to strut out on stage to belt out "Crazy In Love" for the 13,000th time. but shouldn't Frattini and Sirulnick get credit for scheduling at least one act that was out of the box? nope, not if your idea of being "edgy" is booking fucktards on shitloads of microdots (aka, The Polyphonic Abortion)! from all the evidence I gathered last night, your talents are probably better suited to booking birthday parties for children. and if you're still not convinced that this dastardly duo should be fired, just rewatch that gawd awful tribute to Jay-Z. what in God's green earth was THAT all about? i swear, give Corky from "Life Goes On" access to an Avid machine and Jigga's video library and even HE could've put together a more cohesive and celebratory montage. DURST!
 but then again, I s'pose Gwynnie did look utterly milfalicious with those miraculous mammaries. total post-preggo glowing hottness, yo. that rack is making me thirsty!
oh well, at least Viacom made a boatload of money on the evening. the only possible reason that there was for the show running close to 3 1/2 hours was to rake in as much advertiser cash as poss. how else can you explain them handing out an award for "Best Video Game Soundtrack" if it weren't sponsored by Activision (makers of the Tony Hawk games)? i mean, isn't this supposed to be the MUSIC VIDEO awards? HELLO! and i don't even WANT to know how much money they got paid to have the entire audience hold up their Verizon cellular phones (or whatever) during Jessica Simpson's hellacious rendition of "Angels" ...
...and while we're on the topic of J. Simps, can someone please tell me why virtually every single musical act got to perform multiple songs? trust me, not a single act was deserving of this honor. don't these artists understand that focusing on one song (or collaboration) is the stuff that legends are made out of? for instance, I go back to Alicia Keys. i was sitting on my couch prepared to be blown away when she sat unaccompanied on the piano and began belting out "If I Ain't Got You" (which, IMHO, already has a place alongside some of the most legendary R&B singles of all-time). i was just starting to really get into it when Lenny "Fall Into The Gap" Kravitz stepped onto the stage. oy gavult!
oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained ... right? in the wake of Nipplegate™ and the intense glare of the FCC, no one at MTV was willing to take any chances and get scandalicious at this year's VMAs. everyone played it safe, even the delightfully insane lead singer of The Flaming Lips, Wayne Coyne — in a move that brought tears to my eyes, he recycled his once innovative and imaginative act from this year's Coachella Festival and turned it into something soulless and corporate. seriously, this year's awards were SO bad that i actually suggested to The Grizz that the show would've been markedly better if they had booked either Franz Ferdinand, Modest Mouse or The Killers. yeah, any one of those acts would've still registered as Durst Evs, but at least MTV would've proven that its fingers were still on the pulse. instead, we were forced to endure the likes of Hoobastank and Jet. that, my friends, is the antithesis of buzz.
hopefully someone somewhere out there in Viacom Land is reading this. this award show has built its reputation by taking chances that other award shows would never dare attempt. say, for instance, holding the show in Miami and in an arena designed for basketball games. while your Uncle Grambo applauds the innovative effort, I'm hopeful that lessons were learned from these mistakes. sign up Chris Rock to host next year, bring the show back to NYC and I'm quite confident that all will be forgiven. until then, howevs, I'm reminded of the eloquent words that L7 once sang ... hey Salli Frattini and Dave Sirulnick, you made my shit list! bovs on YOUR effing tees. natch.
posted by uncle grambo |
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