I'm Important, Rock Stars Listen To Me*

Just yesterday, I took Eminem slightly to task for failing to capitalize on the opportunity to turn the tide on Detroit's cinematic image by not adequately promoting "8 Mile." But today, he totally makes up for it. In December's issue of Vanity Fair, Marshall is quoted as saying the following about The D™: "This is all I've ever known, all I ever want to know. I've seen the world, I've explored the world, I've traveled it, I've played in places; it's great to visit — this is where I want to live." MAJOR buzz for Detroit Rawk City. HOLLA!

Who knew? Dave Navarro reads whatevs.org! Check the comments section on his blog, 6767.com. Yodel atcha, Dave! And, just for the record (because multiple Navarro fans have asked for a retraction), word has it that Dave is NOT cheating on Carmen. That photo was taken at some charity event (or so people are leading me to believe) and that girl is just a "fan" ... Howevs, in a related story, your Uncle Grambo can also confirm that I've seen Dave's wife naked on multiple occasions. Bovs. DEVELOPING!

I know I'm not alone in the belief that soccer is the most boring sport ever invented. So it doesn't really surprise me that Chelsea striker Adrian Mutu recently admitted he played many a match all blown out on coke, Maradona stizz. How else do you expect the man to avoid falling asleep? Anytime the World Cup is on, I make sure I've got more 8 balls on hand than Snookers, yo. Bobvs.

How does Freep video game columnist Jim Schaeffer enjoy spending his free time? "Ripping off rides, jawing with my peeps and capping busters." Lest you think my boy is a ruthless villian, he's actually just reviewing "GTA: San Andreas", which streeted on Tues. Hott.

I've only listened to the new jawn from The Donnas one time, but god damn if it isn't one of the best sounding albums I've heard all year. Redonkulous props to Butch Walker for some sick production work on the album, yo. And a BIG whut whut to my girl Donna R (aka Alison Robertson), who's been my favourite Donna since the first time I saw the band live. 1998 Magic Stick buzz revealed.

Throughout the years, I've seen people sport some truly HARRIBLE fashion in aiports. But what Mrs. Federline's Skanky Love Rat Husband is wearing on this flight takes the cake. And despite Brit Brit's dangerously high quotient of durstosity, some say her new DVD is a must purchase. Snatch.

John Peel: RIP.

The new iPod? Too SWEET, Kevin Nash stizz.

In the long and storied history of douches, your Uncle Grambo would place professional golfer Colin Montgomerie near the top of my list. Once again proving that I know next to nothing about women, the `razzi snapped him out on the town with a smokin' hott bird. Fore(play)!

Oh yeah, in closing, GO BLUE! Wolverines 31, Spartys 17. Big house revealed.

UPDATE (1:22pm): John Kerry will appear at a rally at Hart Plaza on Monday, November 1st. The rally will take place late in the afternoon. That shit's right outside my office, yo. I can see it from my window. Holla atcha, JK. DEVELOPING!

The Ghosts Of Axel Foley

Ever find yourself in a situation where you realize that every single idea that you've ever had in your lifetime has been completely wrong? Nope, me neither. But every now and then I stumble across something that makes me arch an eyebrow and take a long drag off my omnipresent cigar¹ and go hmmmm. Ladies and germs, I present to you an article called "Manufacturing A New Detroit." The article focuses on the efforts that are being made to improve the image (or the "brand", if you will) that the city of Detroit has in the eyes of the country and the world.

For those of us who live here in The D™, these kinds of articles are getting to be a bit boring and repetitive. We read them all the time. But there was a small segment in this article that basically changed a perception that your Uncle Grambo has held for the better part of 20 years. Namely, the fact that I was proud that Axel Foley was from Detroit. Dude, how could I have been so wrong about "Beverly Hills Cop" for all these years?

Flashback to 1984. Your Uncle Grambo was a mild-mannered fourth grade student at Brewster Elementary School who, along with the rest of the country, was obsessed with Axel Foley and "Beverly Hills Cop." Although I wasn't allowed to see the film because it was rated-R, I owned the soundtrack cassette ("Neutron Dance" revealed!) and knew my fair share of lines from the movie (I had friends who constantly spouted them). If you'll recall, Eddie Murphy sported a t-shirt that read "Property Of Mumford High Athletic Department", which quickly overtook anything "Ghost Busters" as the coolest article of clothing that you could possibly own. I was PROUD that Axel came from Detroit, PROUD that parts of the film were shot in town and PROUD that our city had finally made it to the big screen² ("Doctor Detroit" doesn't count). This, in combination with the Detroit Tigers capturing the 1984 World Series crown, made Detroit the best possible place in the world for a young Uncle Grambo to hail from.

Now snap yo selves back 2 the present. Although I haven't seen the film in years, the association of "BHC" and Detroit still occupied a pride-filled (if cobwebbed) corner in my mind ... until last night. Now that I examine my memories a little more closely, I wonder why more people weren't pissed about how truly shitty "BHC" made Detroit look. When you think about it, Axel Foley is your classic "fish out of water"; while the humor ostensibly comes from the fact that a black detective represents in the lily white suburbs, the harsh light of day shows that he goes from the most ghetto of ghettos (aka The D™) to a place that's more posh than posh. And while the Detroit of 1984 is certainly a world apart from the Detroit of 2004, I can't help feeling a little pissed that peoples' perception of my hometown is STILL that of a blight-filled shitbox. Filmed images are timeless like that.

So who else is there to blame for the lingering national perception of Detroit as hellhole other than Hollyworst? From "Narc" to "Out Of Sight" to "8 Mile", I can't think of ANY films that represent Detroit in a positive light. The lone exception might be the Hamtramck-centered "Polish Wedding", but then again, has anyone other than the most hardcore Claire Danes fan seen that film? "8 Mizz" stands out as a real missed opportunity for the movies to deliver the vision of a Detroit-bred "hero" to the world, but even that film presented a story of an individual who succeeds despite his oppressive surroundings. In addish, the film barely squeaked by the $100 million plateau because Eminem decided that he didn't want to do any press to promote the film. Durst.

Please understand that your Uncle Grambo isn't exactly walking around with blinders on, convinced that Detroit could stand-in for Laguna Beach. My point though is this: shouldn't the spotlight of negativity be shown on some other city for a change? Not only are we bombarded with negative images of a past and present Detroit, but we've also got to put up with the Detroit of the future being a wasteland (see "Robocop" and "The Island"). I mean, come ON, hasn't anyone ever been to Pittsburgh? No offense to my boy Matt, but that city makes The D™ look like freakin' Ibiza. Ferreals.

I guess it all boils down to this. Much like Bonnie Tyler sang in "Footloose", Detroit is holding out for a hero, big screen stizz. We are well represented and respected in both the worlds of music and athletics, but find ourselves sorely lacking any semblence of buzz from Hollyweird. Where once I felt that Axel did us proud, now I think not so much. So come on you Left Coast lefties, isn't it about time you hooked up the hottest city in the MidBest with some love? Bovs on your box office, natch.

Btw, thanks to The Brazilian Muse for forwarding along the article to me in the first place, yo. Bobvs.

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

Thanks to Trashlee Simpsucks, "SNL" has more buzz than evs. The dynamic duo of H-Bomb and Nummer (as photographed above, Grizz wedding stizz) are finally weighing in with their thoughts on what's been dubbed Ashleygate™. And lest you forget that there's life beyond Acid Reflux Disease, they've also released their world-renowned Pre-Show Comments for this weekend's Winslet / Eminem episode. Your Uncle Grambo plans to be in front of the television on Saturday night for Em's performance, which will almost certainly include a fiery, fist pumping rendition of "Mosh." This vehemently anti-Bush song and video just hit airwaves in the last few days; you can bet that Marshall's gonna do his best to take advantage of this politically-charged opportunity. I say major effing buzz, yo.

Without further ado, I'm turning things over to the SNL experts, better known as Nummer and H-Bomb. We'll start with their coney heavy review of the last week's episode ... hilarity revealed!

Episode 3: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson (10/23/04)

Ride The Bullet Train

• Attention Other Cities That Aren't The D™: You think you're hott shit just because you've got an IKEA and we don't? Well now you best sit and spin, bitches! Holla atcha, Canton. Whut WHUT!

• Ad Age names US Weekly as its Magazine Of the Year and Esquire's David Granger as its Editor Of The Year.

• Grey Global Group chairman / CEO Ed Meyer is set to receive $87 million CASH when WPP completes its purchase of the long time indie ad agency. Worst. Ed Meyer laid me off back in 2001, so fuck him and his cronies eight ways from Sunday.

• John Kerry finally discovered Michigan and guess who he brought along for the ride? Jon Bon Jovi! Warren revealed.

• As if there weren't enough construction congestion in The D™, motherfucking Michael Bay is closing down side streets left and rizz during some principal photography work for "The Island", a sci-fi epic starring Scarlett Johannson and Ewan McGregor.

• Gideon, man ... why you gotta play your Uncle Grambo like that? Everyone knows you heart whatevs.org.

• The Grizz on the new Elliott Smith jawn: "If Morrissey is the 'Pope of Mope,' what does that make Elliott Smith?"

• Is Dave Navarro stepping out on Carmen Electra? Photos suggest maybe!

• The 2004 reincarnation of Band Aid that's going to cover "Do They Know It's Christmas?" is probably the worst idea I've ever heard. Anyone who signs up is nothing but an effing egomaniacal student, yo. The Darkness? Keane? Robbie Effing Williams? Blogga PLEASE!

• Alex Balk (the former T-Muffle) and Lindsay Robertston imagine a world where Toni Bentley is an advice columnist. Despite multiple references to anal sex, the pair fails to mix in any Ann Landers graveside bukkake buzz. Still, I say hott.

• Andre 3000 once answered the question of "What's colder than cold?" by replying, "ICE COLD!" Posed the same question, your Uncle Grambo answers Paul Oakenfold. It even rhymes!

• Apparently Paris Hilton digs fuzzy balls. Why else would she be dating two tennis players at once? Can't wait for the next time that Andy Roddick and Mark Phillopoussis meet on the hardcourt. Get it, HARD court? "Man, I'd like to ace her deuce. Yeah, I'd like to fuck her on the tennis court ... if you get my meaning."

Nuptial Buzz starring The Grizz and Mandypants

Best. Wedding. Ever. Pictures ... some say they're worth at least a few dozen words. In a rare moment of brevity, your Uncle Grambo concurs. Shmears.

Pieces Of Trashlee

Your Uncle Grambo will readily admit it, whatevs.org is very late to the game when it comes to detailing the whole Trashlee Simpsucks "SNL" lip-syncing debaucle. By the time I received a text message from Miss Modernage at 12:52am on Saturday night / Sunday morning alerting me that Ashlee had walked off the set during her performance of "Autobiography", dozens of members of the FOW Nation were thousands of sheets to the wind as we celebrated the wedding of The Grizz and Mandypants at Seldom Blues. Trust you me, I've already been in contact with Nummer and H-Bomb and we've discussed the events of Saturday night; their review of the show should be up by mid-week. In the interim, you should check out the coverage on Stereogum, Gothamist and Defamer.

That being said, here's my two cents. Robert Evans once said that "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation" ... with that in mind, Trashlee has got to be damn near the top of the list of luckiest people evs. Her whole "I'm too punk rock for pop music" persona that played out on her "reality" show was a cunningly calculated and stunningly shrewd business decision that her father masterminded. Joe Joe Simpson realized that there was more than enough room for another Avril Lavigne in the marketplace, and worked hand-in-hand with MTV to position his daughter in that slot. Even after moving three million plus records in the US alone, it's always been clear that she's the product of studio wizardry; anyone who witnessed disastrous pre-show rendition of "Pieces" at the VMAs will attest to this.

Will this colossal snafu hurt her career? The answer is no, but only because she's not the type of person who was ever going to have a "career" in the first place. Getting back to the Evans quote, her management team was damn well prepared for the opportunity to get an artist like this out into the marketplace. Trashlee was a child of privilege, one who was in the right place at the right time with the right connections and it made her rich. Her pseudo punk positioning was always a joke, this mishap just solidifies that notion in the public's mind.

The real loser in this is Lorne Michaels. Say what you will about the consistency of the sketches, but "Saturday Night Live" has always been well respected in the musical community for being one of the few places where honesty and integrity still mattered. If you read Tom Shales' book, you know that the musical acoustics were the driving factor for Lorne when he chose to film the show in Studio 8H. However, over the last few years, Lorne has sadly (yet consciously) pimped the respect and props that he worked hard to build for ratings and ad dollars. It saddens me to see people comparing this gaffe to the famed Elvis Costello and Sinead O'Connor incidents. While all three fall into the realm of controversial moments, this incident was not the product of an artist using a widely viewed platform to make a political statement. Rather, it proved once and for all that that the Emperor has traded in his new clothes for a shiny laptop pre-installed with ProTools.