I'll Take "Bad Idea Jeans" for $1000, Alex

A: A surefire way to ensure your comeback single has no buzz.
Q: What is, "Allowing yourself to be convinced by your sleazoid record label that your video should involve green screens, hot air balloons and star Brittany "Crackhead" Murphy?"

Hey New York Times, make up your mind! Is Detroit in the midst of an urban renaissance or is it a shrinking city facing a fiscal nightmare? For the record, it's both. REVILED! [via Miss Laura Modern Age and Tien Mao, respectively]

Lou Barlow and J. Mascis to reunite as Dinosaur Jr? Shitbox, your Uncle Grambo would REALLY have liked to see this happen at Coachella 2005. I would gladly trade Bauhaus for a lil "Freak Scene" buzz. Dino JR ... seldom talked about.

Remember Meredith? Unless your name is Ye Olde Haggis, the answer is probably nyet. She was the somewhat sexy yet somehow gumpy broad who almost won Bob The Bachelor's heart, back when Guiney had buzz¹. Well, now it turns out that her buzzless made-for-TV relationship has gone the way of the dodo. Welcome to Dumpsville, baby ... population ewe. [via The Luxers]

The Grizz on the new ...AYWKUBTTOTD jawn. B+.

Sharon Osbourne Nip Slip. Yeesh, whoever is working on my obit, please be sure to put this on the long list of things that contributed to your Uncle Grambo's early death. Other heavy hitters on that list? Swedish Fish, huffing paint, swimming in raw sewage, the poetry of Rod McKuen and hentai. [Much love to the Drunken Stepfather]

Nick Denton ... some say genius. Have you visited either of the two new blogs he launched this week? Neither has your Uncle Grambo (no offense to my boy Krucoff, it's been a long week). Regardless, the big man deserves a pat on the back for convincing Sony to pony up $75K to sponsor Lifehacker for three months. Blogs + big bucks = Uncle Grambo inches ever closer to selling out.

Um, BEST! Angela Road Rules interviewed by RW Las Vegas Steven! See, THIS is the kind of shit that motherfuckers want to read about in Interview! I could give two shits if Dennis Hopper sits down for a couple of mochachinos with Devon Aoki or whatevs, but put a couple of reality show people in a room and the buzz starts buzzin! Example ... Angela reveals that she dumped Frank and is going to be apparing in Season Two of "Entourage"! Fucking mmmmmBEST!

RELATED: Buy "Reality Unleashed" on DVD! Who knew? Past stars of reality television, including Trashelle and Sarah Kozer, dish the uncensored dirt on their shows and do body shots with each other! It actually looks boring as shit, but it's only $12.99 ... I'm going to start a fund, yo. Anyone who wants to contribute a buck, yodel atcha.

Reuters profiles Mini-Kiss, which you'll remember as being the KISS tribute band comprised entirely of midgets. Nice to see Reuters is on the bleeding edge, these vertically challenged rockers were first discussed here on whatevs.org back in August 2003.

Save some money at Borders this weekend. Here's a 25% off coupon! And no, that wasn't a sneaky advertiser plug. Just giving the FOWs a break at the local bookstore. Shmears.

Wondering whatever happened to the heavily-hyped debut album from 2003's favorite team of music producers, The Matrix? Thought so, neither had your Uncle Grambo. But still...

And finally, it's about time to cap off what has been one of the busier and more hellacious weeks on record. Had I the time or the energy, I probably would've taken great pride and enjoyment into giving a verbal beatdown to the cooler-than-thou trustfunders portrayed in yesterday's Post. So you get a lot of free shit? Good for you. Maybe I do too, but then again, maybe I don't. Either way, you'd never know. Bragging that you² got $15K worth of free clothes and records just because you're a self-described "tastemaker" made me INSTANTLY think of Rod Tidwell's unbearably painful touchdown dances in "Jerry Maguire" (pre the whole "Shit, I ALMOST just broke my neck and ALMOST just ended up a poor cripple with an ungrateful brotha for a brother but instead now I'm okay and I caught the big touchdown and I managed to realize the value of my family and Jerry's friendship and now I'm going to celebrate the big contract Glenn Frey is gonna give me by whooping it up real propa like in the end zone" touchdown dance, natch). In other words, nobody likes arrogant showboat douchebags, yo. Even if you're not one in "real life", methinks that even AGREEING to appear in an article like this proves that you're mostly likely a fame-hungry fucktard. Duhvs³.

Memo To Houston

No, your Uncle Grambo isn't talking to the residents of the famed Texan city. Nor am I preaching to Allan Houston, Whitney Houston or even The Clizzark. I'm reaching out to the R&B singer who recently gouged his eye out after a botched overseas suicide attempt. And by "reaching out", I really mean "clowning this no-talent douchenozzle for blowing donkey dick."

Two things. First, if you're gonna go out like a bitch, how DARE you shame the good name of the city that spawned the Geto Boys? Fifth Ward, reprezzzent! Second, don't you know that the whole "getting your eye gouged out as a way to boost buzz / increase your Q Score" spiel has already been done once and been done better by a member of said legendary rap group? Obvs, I'm throwing propers to Bushwick Bill! God damn homey, his mind WASN'T playing tricks on him the night that his girlfriend shot him in the face. If you're gonna go all Oedipus Rex up in this bitch, at least have the common courtesy to throw a shout-out to those who inspired you, perhaps with a shared writing credit in the suicide note. Biting another rapper's rhymes is one thing, but biting another rapper's attempted method of suicide? Durst evs, yo. HOLLA!

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

One word comes to mind as your Uncle Grambo mulls over the prospects of Paris Hilton hosting "SNL" this weekend — TRAIN WRECK! Whoah, wait a sec ... that was two words. My bad. You see, that's why I leave these things up to the professionals. Nummer and H-Bomb, show me the way!

(Don't) Kill Your Television

Although your Uncle Grambo chose to spend his high school years chasing cheerleader tail rather than nerding out on the Debate Team, I somehow managed to develop some keen argumentative skillz over the years. If you were to sit down with me over a "B To The E" or two at the local watering hole and pose the question, "Who is the best television producer of all-time?", I wouldn't hesitate in busting out the names Zwick and Herskovitz. "Thirtysomething", "My So-Called Life", "Relativity", "Once And Again" ... when it comes to hour-long dramas, it don't get no rougher. Which is why I was so psyched to read about the duo's new show, "1/4 Life", in this past weekend's NYT. The Paper of Record describes the show, which is set to appear on ABC's Fall 2005 line-up, as being "not unlike an episode of 'The Real World,' only with better dialogue and less expensive furniture." I'm sold. Is it October yet?

Shame on you, Detroit News. Exactly what do you hope to accomplish by proclaiming some 12 year-old kid from Pontiac the next LeBron James? I can understand the desire to report on the fact that Juwan Moody is already being recruited by Duke, but propogating and promoting the sycophantic nature of basketball recruiting is both dubious and irresponsible. As much as I would like to see this youngster succeed, hyping this kid in the hometown papers with a 2,500 word story is more likely to turn this kid into the next Damon Bailey than the next LeBron.

Memo to Irina Denezhkina: I don't care if your debut collection of short stories, Give Me (Songs For Lovers), has been compared to the work of Salinger and Hemingway. If you have half a brain in that exceedingly sexy Commie skull of yours, your next collection will be comprised solely of erotic nudie shots of you "banging out" your next novel on a vintage typewriter. Shmears. It'll make the sales of "The DaVinci Code" look like the sales of the new Michael Wolff jawn. Remember, icing your nips before the photoshoot NEVER hurts.

Oh, and while your Uncle Grambo's on the literary tip, it's probably important to note that Curtis Sittenfeld ISN'T a dude. And not only is she NOT a dude, she's also got what TV industry types call a "face for radio." Sorry, SOMEONE had to say it. And shmeariously, if I were you, I wouldn't worry about the groupies. Trust me on that one. [thanks to Beat Royalty]

Hey Cubbie Fans, why so sad? Thanks to The Zulkstress and her recent piece, "Things I Will Miss About Sammy Sosa", you TOO can reminisce about the Windy City's favorite steroid slamming slugger of the 1990s.

The Top 100 Toys Of All-Time, old skool stizz. What, no "Axis & Allies"?

Warning! The following three stories are for Blog Nerds only. In other words, if you're anything like your Uncle Grambo, you'll get a kick out of these. Read Sac's hilarous take on Lockhart Steele's absorption into Lord Denton's army. And then peruse T-Muffle's thoughts on the impending catfight betwixt Foxy Jess and Lizzie Spiers. And if you still haven't got enough, Gothamist talked to two preeminent blog stars about Denton v. Touby.

Note to Gen Y corporate drones: Thinking about wearing bedroom slippers to the office again? Probably not such a good idea.

More Like "B" To The "EST"!

The mathematical formula is B{+E}. The laymen pronounce it "B To The E." Either way you classify it, Budweiser's new caffeinated beer is MMMMMBEST! The Grizz showed up to Tizz's house on Saturday with a dozen. Pure hottness and guaranteed to get the Mario Party started! Today's WaPo takes a look at the hottest alcoholic beverage since Sparks. [thanks to Les / Cal for the linkage!]

That Starburst commercial your Uncle Grambo was raving about yesterday is finally online. Check it. Although, the more I think about, I think that Wieden + Kennedy's new "Masks" campaign for Nike is the better spot. Directed by Tarsem ("The Cell", R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion"), it's 60 seconds of unrelenting intensity and visual besteverness. Damn, who knew that Albert Pujols was such an extraordinary bad ass? Advertising ... so best. [via Ad Rants and Off Wing Opinion, respectively]

Peabs in the Detroit News talking about iPods ... need I say more? Okay, I will. Here's a direct quote: "Anybody that knows me knows how big music is in my life. I'm in a band. I used to be a music major. I figured getting the biggest (iPod) is best for someone like me." Despite the fact that the subject forgot to thank Dr. Em for the totally bad ass Xmas gift, I think that Peabs pretty much solidified his status as Pimp Of The Nation by actually WEARING THAT HAT during a photo shoot! So best! Even better? The URL for the DetNews photo contains the image tag, "Waldo" (as in, "Where's Waldo?") ... she frickin mars. "Where's Peabs?", you ask? Probably at your mom's! Bovs.

Pitchfork reveals the top 100 singles of the `00s, so far. First of all, no one asked. Second of all, no one asked. Third of all, OutKast is worst. All that being said, the list is pretty solid. Heavier on hip-hop than I would've expected from this gang of indie snobs, but then again, that's a good thang.

This just in from the braniacs at the University Of Michigan! Up to 25% of college students are using prescription drugs as stimulants for non-medical purposes! Yep, that sound you just heard was an audible GASP coming from stunned parents, teachers, clergymen and other figures of authority. Who knew? And, in a double triple secret surprise, the survey's results also reveal that "reported use was higher among students who were male, white and members of fraternities." Now you have GOT to be talking crazy talk! Frat stars popping pills? NEVER! Those crazy researchers ... what are they going to tell us next?

Maroon 5 is going on tour with The Donnas, Phantom Planet and The Thrills. The fifth annual Honda Civic Tour will play The Palace of Auburn Hills in March. Memo to organizers: might I suggest holding the tour til May so you can play outdoor venues? Good luck selling out The Palace, with this bill you'd have much better luck with Pine Knob (some say Freedom Hill).

Babyshambles set to take on The Libertines for the title of "Best Live Act" at this year's NME awards. British music ... some say WORST! Oh me oh my, how much dost thou miss the year 1995? Let me count the ways.

Coolfer waxes poetic about Kenna. More specifically, he talks about Malcolm Gladwell and possibly great albums that have flown under the radar due to their inability (unwillingness?) to get on the radio. Another artist who I think fits in this category is Gemma Hayes, whose 2003 album "Night On My Side" still gets spun quite often by your Unka G.

Finally, your Uncle Grambo has never been much of a Lleyton Hewitt fan. Like most other male tennis players, his on-court demeanor is remarkably arrogant and undoubtedly insufferable. In short, he's mark ass bitch (just like his countryman, Mark Philippoussis). Adding to his exceedingly high Durst Factor was the fact that he was engaged to Kim Clijsters (below, left), a "lady" whose looks are probably best described as "straight up busted, yo." And although the Australian Open is only slightly more buzzworthy than a rousing game of tiddlywinks, last weekend's tournament was notable b/c a recently dumped Lleyton Hewitt lost in the finals and then immediately proposed to his new, ultrahott actress GF, Bec Cartwright (below, right). There are few things worse in this world than seeing a man date beneath his natural level, so congrats are due to the Aussie baseline bomber. Banging blondes? Never a bad thing. Bovs on the barbie, mate!

Take Comfort, Giamatti Apes

Poor, poor Giamatti Apes. In just one week, he went from the prospect of being interviewed by Babs on Oscar night while Vietnamese prositutes fed him Animal Crackers to being interviewed by Elvis Mitchell while Leo DiCaprio was in the other room receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award. How's that for justice?

Fortunately for Giamatti Apes, he won over the hearts of "Saturday Night Live" viewers with a dazzling turn as host just ten days ago. Both Nummer and H-Bomb agree; Nummer called his monologue "one of the most genuine monologues of recent seasons" and H-Bomb described his performance as "fantastic ... His animated approach to every skit was refreshing!" Mad coneys, y'all ... mad coneys. Stop what you're doing and read their review today!

Coachella 2005 Line-Up ... REVEALED!

Simply binoculars. Even though Paul T came up empty in the U2 sweepstakes, your Uncle Grambo would like to take this opportunity to bestow major propers to the entire Coachella team for putting together what ANYONE and EVERYONE should be calling THE festival line-up of the year. Even the old crankypants at the LA Times, Bobby Hilburn, is saying that "...this year's lineup may be the strongest yet."

While Detroit isn't as well represented as in years past, it's nice to see that Matthew Dear and Amp Fiddler are blowing up with international buzz. Yodel atcha.

Holy hell. So best! So many tough decisions to make once the schedules get released. She frickin' mars. See you bitches in the desert, y'all. Bananaz 2005!

CATFIGHT!

"To media voyeurs, the name Elizabeth Spiers inspires awe. Ms. Spiers is the original 'Gawker' - the founding editor of New York's most popular gossip blog, the pioneer of the site's dark obsession with New York media, and the exemplar of the snarky tone that bloggers the world over try to imitate." — Jay Dixit, from the article "The Duel for the Dirt" (January 30, 2005)

God damn, you know how much tail your Uncle Grambo could get if I were able to write love letters to bloggers in The New York Times? Journalistic integrity be damned, nothing gets chicks wetter than reading their name in the most-respected fishwrap in this great land of ours. Apparently Mr. Dixit learned early on that Match.com is for suckers, especially when trying to score a date in the ultra-competitive Manhattan landscape ... who can blame him?

However, the article works best if you ignore the salacious come-ons. Get past the boudouir talk and you'll quickly find that the real story is that none other than Lizzie Spiers herself is launching a new gossip blog tomorrow. And, from the looks of it, she's got her sights set on taking down Foxy Jazzercise, Nick Denton and the rest of the Gawker empire she helped to build. Say it with me folks ... CATFIGHT! I don't think I am out of line in proclaiming this to be the sexiest development in long and sordid history of The Blogosphere™, one that we can only pray gets resolved in the Jell-O Wrestling ring at the 169 Bar sometime in the next fortnight. BYOS, y'all (Bring Your Own Snark)!

But shmeariously FOWs, this humble observer (who knows both women, but not in the Biblical sense) feels that there's plenty of room for two competing NYC-based gossip blogs to thrive. Both Miss Coen and Miss Spiers possess the talent and, more importantly, the "voice" to make both sites necessary stops on your daily travails surfing The Internerd™. Competition is a good thing (see US Weekly v. Star), one that will surely result in both blogs rising to meet the challenge and reveal ever juicier scoopage. I wish both women luck, but only on one important condition ... if it ever gets to the point where hair is about to be pulled and garments are about to be torn in a fit of jealous sexual rage, take pictures. She frickin' mars. [original link courtesy of Beat Royalty]

Hey kids, can you say "zeitgeist"? Between My Blog Is Poop and Stereogum, the video for Lionel Richie's "Hello" is hotter than evs. In a dazzling coincidence of synergistic zeitgeist besteverness, the creative geniuses at Chiat / Day just this week launched a hilarious parody of the video with their Starburst commercial called "Art School" (unfortch, nowhere to be found on the web without paying a fee). In it, a lovestruck young art student builds a bust of his girlfriend (Jennifer Hall, from HBO's "Unscripted") completely out of Starburst. But in a bizarre turn, this dude cannot control his craving for the juicy fruit candy and begins devouring the sculpture as his horrified GF looks on. This spot, which debuted on MTV's 10 Spot on Wednesday night, is the early front-runner for the 2005 Clios. SO BEST!

Clint Eastwood tops Marty Scorsese for Best Director at the 2005 DGAs. As much as I heart Scorsese, your Uncle Grambo is pulling for Clint and "Million Dollar Baby" to sweep the Oscars. Eff "The Aviator", even though everyone says it's best. Shatts, maybe I'll hit that up tonizz. Developing!

Some say Deal Of The Century. No, I'm not talking about that rancid Chevy Chase vehicle. I'm talking about getting all the back issues of Might for only $100!!! Best ... magazine ... EVER. [via Lindsay Lindsayism]

Hilarious video buzz. Watch it NOW! Trust me, 'specially cause its SFW. [Can't remember where I found this, but I think it might've been on Drunken Stepfather]

Massive 50 foot wave disables Semester At Sea ship. Too bad this couldn't have happened when that dumb slutbag Veronica was on it ... then we would've been spared the worst Playboy photo shoot ever. NSFW, yo. Worst.

Hey NYC FOWs ... got any plans on Monday night? Well, if you do, cancel 'em. Go check out Detroit's own Holy Fire, who will be playing a showcase gig at Sin-é. The festivities start at 8pm sharp, which means you can be home in time to catch the end of "Supernanny" ... shmears.