2000 GRAHAMMY AWARDS (FILM
Pt. 2)
The Five Worst Films of 1999
5) "200
Cigarettes" (Risa
Bramon Garcia) - Ohmigod was this ever painful to watch.
4) "Ravenous" (Antonia Bird) - Dreadfully slow and
uninteresting.
3) "Star
Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace" (George Lucas) - Don't even get me started.
2) "Jawbreaker" (Darren Stein) - Just plain mean-spirited.
Not even The Donnas could save this from arriving in theaters DOA.
And unless you're David Lynch, Marilyn Manson cameos are not kosh.
Capiche?
1) "Analyze
This" (Harold Ramis) -
The only movie that I've ever walked out of...twice. The most
unexplicable $100M grossing movie ever. Proof positive that
Americans are big and stupid. The audiences belly-laughed through
the offensive ethnic stereotyping (of both Jews and Italians) and
lame Billy Crystal jokes. And though I've got a lot of respect
for one Mr. Robert DeNiro, you can't help but scream SELL-OUT
(!!!) at the top of your lungs, considering the one-two punch of
this atrocity and this upcoming summer's "Rocky and
Bullwinkle." Oy.
Acting Awards
Best Actor - Russell Crowe, "The Insider"
(Runner up - Richard Farnsworth, "The Straight Story")
Best Actress - Franke Potente, "Run Lola Run"
(Runner up - Reese Witherspoon, "Election")
Best Supporting Actor - John C. Reilly, "Magnolia"
(Runner up - John Malkovich, "Being John Malkovich")
Best Supporting Actress - Catherine Keener,
"Being
John Malkovich"
(Runner up - Allison Janney, "American Beauty")
**Special kudos go to Philip Seymour Hoffman's back-to-back
brilliance in "The
Talented Mr. Ripley"
and "Magnolia"
Various Other
Grahammy's Previously Awarded in Other Ceremonies
Best Director - Sam Mendes, "American Beauty"
Best Cameo (tie) - Charlie Sheen, "Being John Malkovich"; Elvis Costello, "200 Cigarettes"
Best Character (tie) - Tracey Flick (Reese
Witherspoon), "Election"; Frank TJ Mackey (Tom Cruise), "Magnolia"
Worst Character - Jar Jar Binks, "The Phantom Menace". Joins Howard The Duck and William Clay
Ford in the Least Likable Hall of Fame.
Best Soundtrack - "Splendor". Parallel to the otherwise forgettable
"Judgement Night" in that the strength of the
soundtrack eclipsed the movie. Except instead of combining rap
& metal (which still gives me shudders because this spawned
Rage & Limp), "Splendor" combines shoegazers with
club kids.
Smartest Script - Charlie Kaufman's "Being John Malkovich"
Best Score - "Best Laid Plans", Craig Armstrong. The string guru behind
Massive Attack strikes again. The track "Father & Son"
is enough to elicit tears without any attachment or knowledge of
its role in the film.
Best Ensemble Performance - "American Beauty"
Worst Ensemble Performance - "Ed TV"
Best Unknown Movie Babe - Amelia Henlie, who
plays the girlfriend of Peter Fonda in "The Limey." A better looking version of Denise
Richards. I dig girls with slightly wonky teeth.
Best Poster - "The Insider". Revolutionary in its simplicity.
Worst Poster - "The Green Mile". Revolutionary simply for the depicting the
sheer volume of Tom Hanks' melon and jowls.
The "You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?"
Award - Ellen Degeneres loudmouthed police sergeant in
"Goodbye
Lover" answers the
question of "What are you up to?" with "Just
pissin' in your Cornflakes"...uh, what? Shouldn't Kellogg's
sue? Worst.
Best Musical Epic - "The Red Violin" (Francoise Girard)
Worst Musical Epic - "The Suburbans" starring JLH
Best Dual Performance - Eddie Murphy, "Bowfinger"
Worst Dual Performance - Jackie Chan, "Twin Dragons". What is it with martial arts movies and
identical twins who don't know about the other twin? I thought
the genre learned its lesson after Jean Claude Van Damme's
disasterous "Double Impact" but I guess not.
Best Movie I Never Saw - "Boys Don't Cry"
Worst Movie I Never Saw - "Virus"
Best Animated Movie I Saw - "South Park: Bigger, Bolder,
and Uncut"
Best Computer Animated Movie I Saw - "Toy Story 2"
Best Animated Movie I Never Saw - "The Iron Giant"
Worst Animated Movie I Never Saw - "Pokemon: The First Movie"
The "Who Is Your Agent and Why Haven't You Him/Her
Yet?" Award - Liam Neeson, "The Phantom Menace", "The Haunting", "Gun Shy" (scheduled for release in 1999 but now
dying rapidly at the BO in 2000)
Best CGI - "The Matrix"
Worst CGI - "Eyes Wide Shut". Those MPAA ordered Abe Lincoln lookin' CGI
basts were worst ever.
The Movie In Desperate Need of Some CGI - "Instinct". Then again, nothing could have saved this
abomination.
Best Catchphrase - "Get in my belly!"
from "The
Spy Who Shagged Me"
Runner-up for Best Catchphrase - "Goodnight
you Princes of Maine, you Kings of New England" from "The Cider House Rules"
Worst Catchphrase - "Fuck sight!", as
uttered by Val Kilmer in "At First Sight"
The "How Did This Pitch Get Greenlighted?"
Award - "Chill Factor". I swear to God the trailer contained these
words, "When a short order cook meets up with an ice cream
man..."
Best Threat - "If I was 80 years younger,
son, I'd box your ears" from "Being John Malkovich"
Best Nudity - Shannon Elizabeth's foreign
exchange hottie in "American Pie"
Best Nudity by a MILF - Rene Russo, "The Thomas Crown Affair". Craziest nips since the Farrah Fawcett's
Playboy pictorial.
Worst Nudity - Fat Bastard during his KFC binge
in "The
Spy Who Shagged Me"
Most Underrated Character Actor - Ron Livingston,
"Office
Space" and "Body Shots"
Most Overrated (and Unlikeable) Character Actor
- Oliver Platt, "Lake
Placid", "Bicentennial Man", "Three To Tango"
Worst Film About A Logo - The short film about
the Pixar logo before "Toy Story 2". I don't care how cool your logo is, the
only logos whose origins I'm interested in are the Playboy Bunny
and that Columbian coffee dude Juan What's-His-Ass.
Best Performance By A Mega Movie Star - Julia
Roberts, "Notting
Hill." She radiates old-school
charm and glamour like no other leading lady. I can't wait for
her next role in the buzz-heavy, Soderbergh directed "Erin
Brockovich".
Worst Performance By A Mega Movie Star - Ah-nuld
Schwarzenegger, "End
of Days". Watching this,
I couldn't wait for "End of Movie".
The "Edward Penishands" Award For Easy Porno
Title Transition Potential - "The Bone Collector", "Dick",
"The
General's Daughter"
Character Least In Need of America To Know Their
Backstory - Mary Catherine Gallagher, "Superstar"
Characters Most In Need of America To Know Their
Backstory - The Budweiser "Whassup" guys. Now there's a movie I'd pay $9 to see.
Best Animal Performance - The chimp in "Being John Malkovich"
Worst Animal Performance - Mr. Jingles in "The Green Mile". Was I the only one who laughed when Wild
Bill stomped on Jinglies?
The "Can You Repeat That Once More, This Time In
English?" Award - The entire cast of "Lock, Stock, and Two
Smoking Barrels". Not
since Begbie hit the screen in "Trainspotting" have I
had a harder time trying to understand my own native language.
The Guy Most In Need Of A Slump Buster - Antonio
Banderas. 1999 saw him starring in "The 13th Warrior" and directing "Crazy In Alabama". Plus he's married to Melanie "Hello,
Pardon Me Whilst My Mammary Glands Run Amok" Griffith. Tough
times, indeed...
Best Performance By A Body Part - James Van Der
Beek's forehead, "Varsity Blues". I have a feeling he's got a lock on this
award for years to come.
Worst Performance By A Body Part - John Travolta's
stomach, "The
General's Daughter"
Best Performance By An Evil Sandstorm With A Face
- The evil sandstorm with a face in "The Mummy"
The Best Lone Gunman Who Goes By His Last Name And His
Last Name Only - Terence Stamp's Wilson in "The Limey"
The Worst Lone Gunman Who Goes By His Last Name And His
Last Name Only - Mel Gibson's Porter in "Payback"
Creepier Than You Would Expect - "8 MM" (Joel Schumacher)
Not As Creepy As You Would Hope - "Stigmata" (Rupert Wainwright)
Least Developed Plot Point - Courtney Love's
relationship with Jim Carrey in "Man On The Moon." One minute they're wrestling, and
literally the next they're in love. Uh, what???
Second Least Developed Plot Point - Adrien Brody's
evolution from a CBGB punk-rocker with a hottie girlfriend into a
gay hustler in "Summer
of Sam". Again I say,
uh, what???
Third Least Developed Plot Point - The entire
screenplay of "The
Phantom Menace". What
were they fighting for or against again? Remind me. Then again,
on second thought, don't.
Best Villain - The nefarious drug kingpin who is
well-versed in Keynesian Economics in "Best Laid Plans"
Worst Villain - Kenneth Branagh as the
wheelchair bound, short-bus riding psychopath Dr. Arliss Loveless
in "Wild
Wild West"
The "Firmly Entrenched In The Closet" Award -
Tom Hank's prison guard in "The Green Mile". His wife can't get him off because of a
quote-unquote "urinary tract infection" (sure Tom,
whatever allows you to sleep at night). He's only cured when a 7-foot,
retarded, muscle-bound black guy grabs his bozack and spits...read
between the lines, people. He's gay-er than Charles Nelson Reilly!
Worst R&B Stunt Casting - Heavy D and Erykah
Badu, "The
Cider House Rules". I
was waiting for Jodeci to start picking apples with these chumps.
Best Movie Starring A WB Stalwart - "Varsity Blues" starring James Van Der Beek
Worst Movie Starring A WB Stalwart - "Killing Mrs. Tingle" starring Katie Holmes
Biggest Letdown - "Dogma" . Ridiculously boring.
Biggest Surprise (tie) - "Galaxy Quest"; when The Donnas showed up in "Jawbreaker"
Best Innuendo - When SMG tells Ryan Phillipe
that "You can put it anywhere" in "Cruel Intentions"
Best Lifestyle - Ron Livingston in "Office Space". He spends his time NOT WORKING and
watching Kung Fu re-runs with JENNIFER ANISTON. Best ever.
Worst Lifestyle - Eddie Griffin in "Deuce Bigalow". Imagine being the He-Pimp for Man-Ho Rob
Schneider...face facts, you ain't gonna get as many duckets as
you'd like.
Best Art Direction - "Sleepy Hollow"
It Should've Been Called Pt. 1 - "Wild Wild
Worst" ("Wild
Wild West")
It Should've Been Called Pt. 2 - "Brokedown
Movie" ("Brokedown
Palace")
It Should've Been Called Pt. 3 - "Worst
Ever!" ("Analyze
This")
Thanks for sticking with me. Until next time, the balcony is
closed...
Mark Graham
February 16, 2000
comments? criticisms? death threats? email me and i'll see if i
can
cure your ills.
