whatevs.org presents...

"SNL - SEASON 31 REVEALED"

by Nummer and H-Bomb

Episode 13: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy (3/4/06)

CONEY RATING SYSTEM
= John Belushi
= Amy Poehler
= Tim Meadows
= Melanie Hutzel
= Charles Rocket
= Self-Explanatory

0-10 Coneys – Garbage
11-20 Coneys – Needs Improvement
21-30 Coneys – Average
31-40 Coneys – Above Average
41-50 Coneys - Instant Classic
51+ Coneys - Unparalleled Comic Genius

OAD = Original Air Date*

(*To be fair, coneys will be awarded the same as they were the first time they aired)

: Natalie Portman, complete with post-V For Vendetta hair, was exactly the fun and adventurous host I expected her to be - in spite of some mediocre writing. Similar to Jason Lee (another Season 31 host who wasn’t given the most creative sketches), Portman’s presence lit up the otherwise dull material. Throughout the entire episode, she held a firm grasp of her lines, kept her confidence high and allowed herself to enjoy the opportunity. Take notes Skarsgaard.

Tonight’s show also proved that Digital Shorts are best in moderation. Instead of getting three segments like Steve Martin’s episode, we were treated to just one about Natalie Portman’s “real” life. It was more of a “Lazy Sunday” retread than “Young Chuck Norris” was, but still different enough to stand on it’s own. Young fans will never look at her the same way again, now that we now she likes to “drink and fight and fu*k all night”.

I can’t help from putting Fall Out Boy in the good category as well. They only earned five coneys since the mix sounded like crap (or do they really sound that sloppy out of the studio?), but all their spinning and youthful energy was pretty funny. It was also a riot watching them handle their instruments since most of them didn’t look old enough to even hold a guitar.

Despite possessing the not always winning combination of being a young Hollywood actress and a newcomer to SNL, Natalie Portman undoubtedly proved herself to be a very poised and charismatic host. From her hilarious “Star Wars geek” themed monologue to the incredibly sweet closing credits, Portman was well-prepared and extremely amusing throughout the entire 90 minute show. Unfortunately for Portman, the only skits that were really worth mentioning were her monologue, her “day in the life” rap and her brief stint as a trans-male during the Larry King bit, a mere 3 sketches out of the 12 that were aired, not including Fall Out Boy’s two sets.

As mentioned above, the star of this week’s show was yet again another installment of SNL’s Digital Short series. This time around featured Portman’s rendition of a day in her life in the form of a hilariously angry rap riddled with four letter words and lyrics about how she wants to, “drink and fight and f#%ki all night.” Although the likeness to “Lazy Sunday” was undeniable, it was still pretty entertaining to watch Portman tell all the kids that look up to her to “suck her dick “ and how she’ll “sit right down on your face and take a sh*t.” A close second to the Digital Short was the Larry King Show with Armisen making his debut as its controversial host. While it’ll always be hard to beat Norm McDonald’s take on King, Armisen certainly made a worthy attempt, with his appearance being close to uncanny. However, it was the effort of the ensemble as a whole and the way that Poehler, Dratch, Forte and Portman played off of Armisen’s comments that really made this sketch work.

With this being Maya’s second episode back from maternity leave, she resurrected two recurring sketches that I was hoping to never see again: The Art Dealers (Nooni and Nuni) and Wakeup Wakefield. Even though this was only the fourth appearance of Art Dealers, the sketch already feels ten years old due to the predictable three part premise: weird food, silly chairs and mispronounced names. As for Wakefield, its first appearance since December 2003, all Maya and Dratch did was change the setting (a bar mitzvah instead of a classroom). C’mon.

Other recurring segments like Forte and Hammond’s Bush/Cheney opening, The Needlers and an extremely long Weekend Update (perhaps to balance out the short and sweet installment from Steve Martin’s episode) continue to limp along with a remarkably low amount of new twists. A few more episodes like this will put the show right back to the beginning of the season when watching SNL was more chore than fun.

Once again, featured players Hader, Wiig, Sudeikis and even Samberg were given very little screen time. Every week, I’m more and more perplexed with this decision given their immense talent and ability to maintain the great run that SNL’s been on over the past several months. Seriously, Lorne. Hader, Wiig and Sudeikis versus Maya and Hammond? There’s no question, you guys!! The featured players will win hands down, every time!!

It was also disappointing to see SNL slipping back into it’s old Season 29/30 routine of shabbier sketch writing and tired recurring skits, even after a 4 week hiatus. Sketches like The Art Dealers, Wakeup Wakefield, The Needlers and the Presidential cold openers just aren’t funny. We know that you can do better, SNL, you’ve proven that fact back in the late 2005, early 2006 episodes. Please don’t tell us that you’re tapped out already because even though you only have 2 more months to go, that’s still a long time to watch you continue on a downward path.

Fall Out Boy was also rather substandard, but more because of their poor sound mix than anything else. I can stand the fact that their music isn’t that great to begin with. I can even put up with the guitar player jumping off of everything in sight and incessantly pointing at the audience. But one thing I cannot tolerate is shitty sound quality and a mix that doesn’t even mix, especially on a set as renowned as the SNL music stage.

I’m starting to get nervous the creative burst that began last November is starting to fizzle. This can’t all be blamed on Maya’s return, but mainly because talented featured players aren’t getting the screen time they deserve. With this season rumored to be shortened from the normal 20 episodes due to the extensive Olympic break, we’re running out of time for this to be fixed.

This week’s episode with Portman and Fall Out Boy wasn’t exactly the rousing return I was hoping for after a month long break, but I guess it’s feasible that it could take until the Dillon/Arctic Monkeys show next week for the cast and crew to really get back into full swing. Let’s just hope it’s not more dire than that.

CONEY COUNT

1. Cold Opening: Bush and Cheney
Premise: Bush and Cheney comment on current events

2. Monologue: Portman

3. Commercial Parody: Nelson’s Baby Toupees
OAD: 1/21/06

4. Sketch: Jamba Juice
Premise: Over juiced employees sell drinks

5. Sketch: Larry King Live
Premise: Larry King confuses transsexuals with sex change patients

6. Sketch: The Needlers
Premise: Recurring sketch about a couple that should be divorced

7. Cartoon by Robert Smigel: Belated Black History Moments
Premise: The evolution of African American cartoon characters
Cameo: Dennis Haysbert and Tracy Morgan (voice)

8. Sketch: The Art Dealers
Premise: Noony and Nuni welcome home their daughter and her boyfriend

9. Music: Fall Out Boy “Dance Dance”

10. Weekend Update
Guests: Hammond, Portman, Keenan, Finesse

11. Sketch: Wakeup Wakefield Presents: Sheldon’s Bar Mitvah
Premise: Sheldon and Meagan bring their humor to a party

12. SNL Digital Short: Natalie Rap
Cameos: Natalie raps us through a day in her life

13. Music: Fall Out Boy “Sugar, We’re Going Down”

14. Commerical Parody: Rad Smoke Detector 3000
OAD: 10/29/05

TOTALS

32 / 56 Coneys

30.5 / 56 Coneys