the four most depressing words in the English language

Oscar Nominee Queen Latifah

and YOU thought that the Pam & Tommy video was raunchy?

reader retort

Subject: Andy Rooney's latest rant
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com
From: Seantizz
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 2003 13:37:28 -0500

to the editor of whatevs.org,

anyone who missed Andy Rooney's weekly satirical take on life last night on "60 Minutes" missed a timely editorial by america's favorite geriatric on the integration of advertising into program content. sure, you're probably thinking "product placement, that's nothing new." well, what mr. rooney is referring to is actually a redefinition of television advertising that is becoming more common. those in the ad biz know this has been a hot topic of discussion lately.

with the availability of devices like TiVO which allows viewers to skip through commercial breaks, advertisers must look for ways to integrate their product into content if they wish to get their product and message in front of viewers. many are referring to this tactic as a throw-back to the 50's where viewers would watch game shows created by cigarette companies in which contestants would have to plow through a pack of Pall Malls before getting to the final round of 'Beat the Clock.' And we all the term Soap Opera came from.

in light of these technical advances, Michael Davies, creator of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' is working on a show that will once again have no commercial breaks. instead, the advertising will be a part of the show.

Rooney gave some colorful examples of how he might integrate advertising into his editorials... "Americans are almost evenly divided about going to war. Some approve, others strongly oppose the idea. If the thought of going to war turns your stomach, try Pepcid AC, just one and heartburn's done."

you can read his commentary here...
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/01/31/60minutes/rooney/main538758.shtml

i mention rooney's commentary is timely because fans of "Alias" last night were treated to Sydney Bristow speeding through busy streets in a Ford Focus SVT, hours after rooney's rant. did you notice the driving dynamics on that car? or Vaughn exclaiming to Sydney, "you're going too fast," only to have Sydney taking a tight and speedy turn, narrowly avoiding a collision? mmmm... driving dynamics. that's what you get with a Ford Focus which you can lease for $199 a month. see your local Ford dealer.

the Alias example is closer to product placement, but its not the first time Ford has ventured into this arena. ever catch the reality game-show 'No Boundaries' in which contestant drive Ford SUV between certain locations? or how about Ford's blatant integration into American Idol?

i can't say i mind doing away with commercial breaks in exchange for more content, even if the extra content is advertising. however, i'm sure it will get out of hand and before you know it, to quote Dan Pesta, shows will start with "McDisneybucks presents, the Kentucky Fried Chicken Dancers, brought to you by Vlassic Pickles, reminding you to brush your teeth with Colgate, who will donate proceeds of this program to the United Way, while you enjoy Coca Cola, an AOL Time Warner Company."

britney and colin's big night

hectic monday

friday afternoon topic

DESERT ISLAND DISCS

Uncle Grambo: Liz Phair - "Exile In Guyville" ; Depeche Mode - "101"; Jimmy Buffett - "Songs You Know By Heart"; The Beatles - "1967 - 1970 (The Blue Album)"; REM - "Automatic For The People"

Melody Licious (Gore Gore Girls): Led Zeppelin - first or second album; Andrew W.K. - "I Get Wet"; Veruca Salt - "Eight Arms To Hold You"; Alkaline Trio - "The Alkaline Trio"; The Paybacks - "Knock Loud" (bonus guilty pleasure DIDs are: George Michael - "Faith" and Bon Jovi - "Slippery When Wet")

Kegzies (Glamorama): Radiohead - "OK Computer"; Oasis - "Definitely Maybe"; Jeff Buckley - "Grace"; The Stone Roses - "The Stone Roses"; The Smiths - "Best Of Vol. 1"

The Grizz: Smashing Pumpkins - "Siamese Dream"; Travis - "The Man Who"; Madonna - "The Immaculate Collection"; Naughty By Nature - "Naughty By Nature"; Various Artists - "Trainspotting: Music From the Motion Picture"

Pieps: Bob Marley - "Legend"; Allman Brothers - "Best Of"; Grambo - "Trunk Full Of Untz" (Mix); David Gray - "Words of Wisdom" (Mix); Coldplay - "A Rush Of Blood To The Head"

Damore: Smashing Pumpkins, "Gish"; Oasis - "What's The Story, Morning Glory"; New Order - "Technique"; U2, "The Joshua Tree"; Verve - "A Northern Soul"; Olaf - "F Your Yankee Bluejeans"

The Gorilla: "Abbey Road" (Beatles); "Back In Black" (AC/DC); "Hour of the Bewilderbeast" (Badly Drawn Boy); "The Ultimate Experience" (Jimi Hendrix); "Da' Bomb -- P-Funk's Greatest Hits" (Parliament Funkadelic, it's a beach; you don't listen to fuckin' Morrissey on a beach you dour, pasty, suicidal bastards. You party on a beach -- tear the roof off the sucka' -- the thundering bass will also keep the pigmies and wild boars at bay)

B.B. Fett (The Prime Ministers): The Rolling Stones - "40 Licks"; The Replacements - "Pleased To Meet Me"; The Smiths - "Louder Than Bombs"; T. Rex - "T. Rextasy"; Queen - "Greatest Hits, Vol. One"

WinkleBest: Prince - "Purple Rain"; Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Blood Sugar Sex Magic"; Talking Heads - "Sand in the Vaseline"; Guns n Roses - "Appetite for Destruction"; Dr. Dre - "The Chronic"

ConnieNYC: The Beach Boys - "Pet Sounds"; The Beatles - "A Hard Day's Night"; Rolling Stones - "Exile On Main Street"; Van Morrison - "St. Domenic's Preview"; Derek and the Dominos, "Layla And Other Assorted Love Songs"

Buddis Lembeck: 1. Frog Pond- recordings and sounds of frogs; 2. Morning Birds- Bird Chorus nature sound recording; 3. Thunderstorm and Rain sounds; 4. Song of the Whales- recordings and sounds of whales; 5. Pure Moods II

H-Bomb: Catherine Wheel - "Chrome"; Radiohead - "Kid A"; Tori Amos - "Boys For Pele"; Trans Am - "The Red Line"; Dandy Warhols - "The Dandy Warhols Come Down"

Nummer: Live - "Throwing Copper"; Soul Coughing - "Ruby Vroom"; Phish - "Rift"; Morrissey - "Bona Drag"; Jane's Addiction - "Nothing's Shocking" (got my first copy when I was 10! This is the only album I've actually had to buy more than once after physically wearing it out from over use (remember cassettes - so fragile!)

Mandypantalons: Madonna - "True Blue"; Travis - "The Man Who"; REM - "New Adventures in Hi-Fi"; Patsy Cline - "Heartaches"; Poison - "Swallow This Live"

Seantizz: Actually there is no reason for anyone to have to limit their top five cds to 5 artists and get stuck with those few tracks they always skip through. Thanks to NASA for bringing cd burning technology to the public, I'd burn my most favorite songs by my favorite artists over 5 cd's.

if you're anything like me...

...then you like your lesbians to be sexy Russian teenage popstars

...then you're a little disappointed that Jennifer Garner has sold her soul to The Neilson Ratings Board and that her lingerie-clad SuperBowl commercials crossed over the line from "classy and sexy" into pure ogling

...then you wonder why Pepsi fired Ludacris as their spokesman (on the generic grounds of being offensive) and hired a family whose fame is based solely on obscenity, The Osbournes

...then you wonder how come it's taken so long for Courtney Taylor Taylor and the rest of The Dandy Warhols to get back in the studio and work on a new album

ask not what whatevs.org can do for you ...

SNL Season 28 - REVEALED!

it's been a few weeks since the last original episode, but the ever vigilant duo of Nummer and the H-Bomb are back with gusto aplenty with their pre-show commentary for this weekend's SNL. they have also contributed fantastic reviews of the Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne and Ray Liotta / Donnas episodes; I've been a slacker and i haven't fully completed the coding, but the links above should take you to the reviews in MS Word form. many apologies to the talented duo, your Uncle Grambo is a jackanapes...

now i've seen it all

riding the rack

i think that The Grizz said it best. during a commercial break of "American Idol" last night, he called and said "Julia's going to ride that rack as far as she can." and what do you know, he was right! julia demato pulled a stunning upset over kimberly caldwell to squeeze into the Top 10, which came as a shock to everyone (including the judges). the only thing that shocked America more was that she was able to squeeze into them leather pants on Tuesday (see photo)! eeeesh! anyhooz, i don't think we've seen the last of kimberly. i think she'll sneak into the top 10 via the wild card show ... she's got a husky voice and a slutty streak that she doesn't work too hard to conceal. if Ryan Starr's skank ass made it into the Top 10 based solely on looks, then kimberly should be a shoo-in ...

big meeting

"old school" pre-release buzz

prime-time FOW The Lawrs is starting to earn his stripes. what follows is an email that i just received praising the upcoming Will Ferrell / Vince Vaugh / Luke Wilson buddy flick that opens on February 21st ...

------Original Message------
Subject: Old School
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com
From: The Lawrs
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 2003 15:49:51 -0500

Dude - I got to see a sneak preview of Old School last night at the Palladium. Let me just say best evs. It reminded me of Animal House - but in the present day. Will Ferrell was awesome. Can you say "Hank the Tank"?? Snoop Dogg had a cameo, there were topless chicks KY Jelly wrestling in a baby pool, funny party scenes - this movie had it all. I laughed pretty much for the first hour straight. I highly recommend that you and any other FOW who appreciates a good comedy go see it when it comes out. I definitely want to see it again. This movie has buzz.

the miracle that is "Joey Mills"

with each week that passes, the levels of insanity / hilarity on "Joe Millionaire" reaches a height previously thought unattainable. each time that i think that evan couldn't possibly say or do anything stupider (to melissa's question of "so what are your turn-ons?", evan says "uh, legs. uh, high heels. but that's just me!"), he goes on to astound me with a comment that could only be pulled from the deepest recesses of human evolution (when he spots Zora's rather impressive cleavage, he says "so, uh, did you get that BREAST ... uh ... i mean, that DRESS in paris?"). you would think that someone who women apparently considered handsome (i still say creepy con carne) would've gone out on a few dates in his life -- but as evidenced in every single episode of this show, he has no clue on how to begin (let alone maintain) any type of conversation. when sitting on some exotic Mediterranean beach watching the sunset, he thinks it would be a good idea to chat up Melissa with lines like "uh, did you know that you can use superglue to heal cuts?" you have GOT to be fuckin' kidding me!!! who orders two entrees for dinner besides William "The Refrigerator" Perry??? it was like the dude never had pasta before! how 'bout them bulldozer references? he's so captivated by dirt! and don't even get me started on cindy schubert buzz, i'm fairly convinced that Fox re-edited the show to ensure that Footsies Kozer's date was on in the last half-hour ... gimme these moonlit handjobs!

anyway, at the conclusion of last night's episode, we were left with Zora Neale Hurston and Kinky Kinkerson vying for the dim-witted affection of Joey Mills ... melissa showed some cleavs but ultimately got the boot. Eyebrows Evan apparently wasn't kidding about his long leg fetish, he dismissed the shortest (and most ethnic) of the three girls. racist buzz? who knows. when the competition heats up next week, will Zora stay cool or crash under the pressure of having to actually kiss Evan again? will Kozer The Kozerian bust out some handcuffs and astroglide for the all-important third date hookup buzz? will host Alex McCloud actually do anything other than introduce Evan at dismissal time (shmeriously, how much did that skanky thang get paid to host this show anyway? some say less useful than Dunkleman!)? will Paul The Butler end up eating any of the remaining contestants? i guess we'll have to wait until next Monday to find out!

neal pollack to the rescue!

just when things at whatevs.org are getting hot and heavy over the raging space shuttle debate, a click-through to the altogether incomparable Neal Pollack.com resulted in belly laughs. here is a excerpt that i lifted directly from Neal's site on this very issue:

Heat Tile Of My Heart -- 2/3/2003

I remember the first Space Shuttle disaster. It was 1981, or maybe 1982, right after the President got shot, and I thought that my innocence would never recover. The night after it happened, I sat at home and hugged my dog, my cat, and my teddy bear, and also my stuffed Spiderman. On TV were the wispy images of smoke and the shocked gasp of a nation in mourning.

"Dad," I said to my dad, "why do our heroes always fall?"

"Huh?" he said.

"When I grow up I want to be an astronaut and serve my country."

"Shut up!" said my dad. "You're never going to be a goddamn astronaut!"

At the time, I found his words a little harsh. But in retrospect, I can say that he was right. I'm not an astronaut. I never even really tried to become one. Maybe dad knew something I didn't: that NASA was already in decline, and that someday they would send a group of eminent scientists and top-notch pilots riding into space aboard a tin rustbucket held together by bows and cheap glue. Creator of the stars, my ass. How many cars from 1983 do you see driving around these days? A good mechanic trumps a barely-disguised Jesus metaphor every time.

The government needs to commit itself to building a new super-spacecraft that will be at the leading edge of flight, with the ability to harness the power of comets and detect terrorists with pinpoint lasers. It must also contain up-to-date home entertainment technology, like flat-screen high-definition television and interactive sex robots. Speaking of, don't you think it's about time that our space vehicles began to resemble penises again?

Forget national health care! Down with unemployment insurance! Onward and upward into the farthest reaches of space! For if we can dream of the stars, perhaps someday we can harness their energy to cure disease or build a very destructive nuclear pre-emption device. May the Star-Creator, bringer of hope to us all, bless these United States of America. Good night.

reader retort

i gotta be honest with you here. the real enjoyment of running a site like this doesn't involve the free drugs or the loose women (though they are definite plusses). what really gets you going is when a FOW takes the time out of his or her day to throw some feedback your way. and when it comes to FOWs like this, The Gorilla is always near the top of this list. below is an email that he sent me this morning regarding the thoughts i dropped on NASA yesterday...

-----Original Message-----
Subject: NASA bashing
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 2003 09:34:24 -0500
From: The Gorilla
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com

Your NASA bashing is incredibly off the mark, Mark. Is the Space Shuttle a good idea? I don’t know, maybe not. It doesn’t seem to be cost effective, despite being reusable, which is like paying to recycle. Obviously it is the most used form of space travel ever, so the fact that it is responsible for more space travel deaths than any other form of space travel maybe is to be expected. As tragic and graphic as astronaut deaths have been I’m not sure that 17 deaths out of the 400+ people that have been to space is a very unexpected statistic – strap yourself to a bunch of liquid hydrogen or try to make a controlled fall into the atmosphere and your life expectancy has to shift downward.

What have they ever invented? Well for starters before NASA, computers filled giant rooms and were run with vacuum tubes that were really heavy. Really heavy shit is hard to launch into space, so they perfected these tiny little circuits… called microchips. PC’s, Playstations, CD players, DVD’s all that electronic shit has NASA to thank. I like vinyl okay, but face it folks, you can’t hear analog warmth unless your cd was mastered by drunk monkeys, actually that’s probably not true, maybe drunk squirrels – bottom line digital rules.

Sure we would have gotten all this shit eventually, but all those big government bucks we spent to beat the Ruskies to the moon, all those kids the US sent on government scholarships to be super science techno wiz geeks paid off. The much maligned Hubble telescope probably taught us more about the formation of the Universe in a decade than the whole of human history was able to uncover before. Plus they invented a bunch of other crap like Teflon, which is so helpful in the grilled cheese department. By sixties standards NASA is starved, which could be why we use space shuttles invented in the ‘70’s and loose Mars Landers like my gene pool loses hair. How much money do they need – I don’t know – I’d rather have decent roads, schools and buildings not blown up by terrorists, but I’d rather give NASA a few billion than having it blown on crazy military crap like New Ultra Super Lazer Guided Now With Retsin Missile Defense systems or FBI email snoop programs so John Ashcroft can catch you looking at pictures of women with bare ankles.

-----Original Message-----
From: Mark Graham
Sent: Tuesday, February 04, 2003 10:17 AM
To: The Gorilla
Subject: Re: NASA bashing

call me Janet Jackson, but what has NASA done for me lately? shit yeah, i guess i will begrudgingly throw props to microchips and teflon, but c'mon. NASA has been around for 40 or so years (I don't know, maybe more maybe less) and all that we can thank them for is listed above?

in retrospect, what was the point of the whole space race other than to prove that we're "smarter" than Russia? it was one giant competition to show that our capitalist cocks were bigger than communist cocks. so we outspent, outthought, and beat those god damn Russkies to the moon. was that responsible for the collapse of the Berlin Wall? i'm not so sure. i'm more inclined to believe it was the fact that you had to wait in line three days for a fargin' loaf of bread.

and while it breaks your heart to see ANY lives lost in a tragedy like this (esp. when you read that as a child, Lt. Colonel Michael Anderson used to mow his lawn with goggles on so he wouldn't damage his eyes and ruin his chance at someday being an astronaut - see http://www.nytimes.com/2003/02/03/national/03FAMI.html), you gotta wonder what the greater good is here. while it may initially sound contrary to my overall point, i believe that the pursuit of knowledge is extremely important to the overall betterment (is that a word?) of our nation and of the world. i'm just not convinced that so much of our time and resources should be going towards space exploration. produce some results and my story might change. i'm probably clouded by a little bit of disbelief and anger right now, but i'm not sure that NASA has made any recent breakthroughs that can justify the money that we throw at it. shouldn't we be focusing at improving life here (homeless peeps, education, skyrocketing health care costs, you name it)?

in conclusion, while Space may be the Final Frontier, i prefer Final Destination 2.

grambo out.

ps - do you mind if i publish your retort? it's good shit.

-----Original Message-----
Subject: RE: NASA bashing
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 2003 10:39:44 -0500
From: The Gorilla
To: "Mark Graham"

Of course you can publish my retort, and stoke my whatevs fueled ego.

I guess my point is your argument (a some what conservative, reactionary one I might add) is the same one that people have always made about NASA and R&D in general. In the fifties and sixties when they were improving and developing new microchips did the public know how much they wanted them? No, the president of IBM said the world market for computers was probably 10 -- no one could appreciate the need for a PC or the impact or multitude of uses the NASA advancements, like the microchip would have on us.

May I reiterate, that every fucking thing in your life actually has a microchip in it or was created by a machine that does (accept for Uncle Amish Grambo who's all like, "Screw NASA, I churn my own butter and knit my own socks -- my DVD player is wood burning and carved from the living rock.... mutha' fucka!!!")

The argument that this kind of research should be purely left to the private sector is also misguided, because after a period of time research funded with public money becomes... public. For example ccd's the little light sensing chips in digital cameras, camcorders, etc -- were developed for spy satellites -- when it became unclassified technology everybody was able to jump on the technology and come up with lots of unique uses the original inventors never thought about. What has NASA done for you lately? I don't know, but given what they've already done, isn't it worth waiting to find out?

breaking buzz

a rush of blood to the head

greetings and salutations. i'm still trying to detox after an intensified weekend in The Windy City. early friday afternoon, a couple of buddies and i spontaneously decided to make the four hour drive to Chicago and party up. mission accomplished. what a fookin amazing town, spending two days there totally makes you realize what a shithole Detroit is. when the bars close at 4am and there are ridiculous amounts of hot white girls running around, you're bound to get in trouble. everybody loves white girls. but enough of the Uncle Expose, Here's Whats News (to borrow a phrase from my man in Amsterdam, ConnieNYC)...

• i know that i have talked about it before, but the world needs Courtney Love more than we can possibly fathom. according to The New York Daily News' gossip columnists Rush & Molloy, a recent photo shoot for Q Magazine resulted in unscripted (but not necessarily unexpected) mayhem. according to a source, "By the time the shoot was over, Courtney had set fire to things, poured Champagne over her head and had her bikini line waxed in a room full of people." hott! then as i was writing up this post, the always stellar Gawker.com (still the site that whatevs.org aspires to be) posted a link to scans from the photo shoot, which will appear in March's edition. WARNING, these aren't really safe for consumption at work. the cover is as G-rated as the rest of the photos get, hence the post at right. obvs. Courtney is still the queen, let's hope that her new record comes out sometime soon...

• speaking of Rush & Molloy, one of their columns from over the weekend revealed the inspiration behind Lara Flynn Boyle's jaw-dropping appearance as a tutu-clad hott-ass at the Golden Globes. apparently Jack and Lara spent New Year's together in Aspen partying with Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith (btw, who knew that Nicholson partied with The Fresh Prince???). anyhooz, i guess that things were going swell between the on-again, off-again couple until Lara came back from a shopping expedition to find Jack curled up with another hottie at their place. so the whole pink tutu outfit was an inside joke that referenced the fact that Jack dissed her for a dancer, "though hardly the kind who trains at Julliard." ...

• in case you hadn't heard, the space shuttle "broke apart" over the weekend. while thoughts and prayers certainly go out to the families of those involved, the whole thing kind of makes you wonder what the frickin' point of NASA is anyway. seriously, what great learnings have come out of the space program other than the fact that we can actually make rockets that can go to the moon and back (although those who believe in the Van Allen belt would have you believe otherwise)? seriously! as a people, are we really better off because of anything the space program has accomplished? now G Dubs is going to use this tragedy / opportunity to try and pump up NASA's budget by $470 MM ... guess what? that's only enough money to launch the shuttle ONCE! Time Magazine's Gregg Easterbrook has written a very bold editorial called "The Space Shuttle Must Be Stopped" -- while he's not opposed to space exploration like I am, his argument revolves mainly around the fact that space shuttle technology is "costly, outmoded, impractical and ... deadly". this article is totally worth your time.

• i'm running low on time, so here are a few last links for y'all to digest: after five years on the air,
  a two-hour "Dawson's Creek" series finale will air on May 14 ... bye bye Joey Potter, I'll always love you; Coldplay will be making their way to the Fox Theater on March 3rd, and MTV.com reveals that their setlists have been rounded out with Justin Timberlake and Destiny's Child covers ... still not as tatts as the cover of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" that Travis used to perform; while it was a close victory over "Final Destination 2", the Colin Farrell / Al Pacino vehicle "The Recruit" topped this weekend's box office with a $16.5MM weekend ... some say that's a very disappointing gross, esp. considering that FD2 took in $16.2MM ... who knows, maybe the final numbers will reveal a #2 opening for "The Recruit" ... developing!