Wurst Websites Ever

The Gorilla forwarded me this website that Mrs. Gorilla, AKA Kudz-Serizz sent to him. It was made by these two wacko's from down-riz and really is unbelievable, check out the dead dog on the images page.

Ben Wallace is an average shotblocker

Sure I know all you Detroit based FOWs are big Piston fans, so I won't get into "the whole Wallace thing" but I thought you might find this ESPN story comparing the Lakers to the '91 Pistons pretty interesting.

Isn't Angela Lansbury dead?

So this morning I wake up, getting ready to take the kids to school and that's when I see a video tape stuck like Rick Mahorn's ass in a revolving door to the coffee table with peanut butter. Oh great, now I gotta clean this crap up, I think to myself.

That's when it hits me.

This is my episode of ESPN's Outside the Lines

I scream for the kids to get in the room. There all pointing long-skinny fingers at each other and that's when Chris Mullen Bol drops a BOMB.

"Don't worry Dad, its just our Double Dare tape."

I almost lost it. "YOU TAPED DOUBLE DARE OVER MY OUTSIDE THE LINES APPEARANCE! WHAT THE HELL KIDS!!!!" I tried to compose myself and hold back my anger, "Why on earth would you tape Double Dare anyway? It's on the GAS network like 24 hours a day."

One of the kids says, "Well what if we wanted to take it to Grandma's house?"

I almost lost it again, "YOUR GRANDMA LIVES IN WADI HALAFA." Again I had to compose myself, Manute Bol is a reasonable man. "She doesn't even have a VCR, listen I'll clean this up, why don't you guys get your mom to drive you to school."

I sat there for a while just looking at the tape, sure I could call up ESPN in Bristol and have them make me another dub, but those greedy bastards would want something. I'd probably have to do one of those commercials where the Demon Deacon, that Orange thing from Syracuse, Stewart Scott convince me to pants a LPGA golfer or something. Such a hassle for one tape.

So I flip on the tube, hoping by some luck I'll find it on ESPN Classics, the first channel has a Murder She Wrote Commercial -- I assumed it was A&E or something -- but what the hell, the commercial announces "ALL NEW".
I look at the cable box, channel 8 -- that's CBS. But how is that possible, I think to myself, I could swear up and down Angela Lansbury was dead. How did she die I try to remember, choked on a chicken bone? Car accident? OD? Well shit, she's gotta be like 90 years old, maybe it was just a heart attack or a rabid dog.

But there she is looking at me on the tube all like, "I'm Jessica Fletcher and I suspect the cause of death was MUURRRDDER." So I think, they must have taped this before she stepped off the mortal coil.

And then it happens.

Good Morning Hartford comes on and who is being interviewed live via satellite, Angela F'N Lansbury. Clearly, she is alive and terrible.

What was I thinking, how could I not know she was alive? Maybe I was thinking of someone else... Peter Falk, no I know Colmbo's still kickin' it. Rockfort Files? James Garner is around I think, isn't he? Doesn't matter I wouldn't confuse James Garner with Murder She Riz.

I spent all day trying to think of who from TV died that I confused with Angela Lansbury. So I go to pick up the kids from school and I'm still just kicking myself in my 6'4" ass trying to figure this one out. The kids pile into the Pontiac Montana with the front seat removed and one of my daughters asks if she can pop in the new Tatu album she borrowed from her friend.

"That's it!!!" I scream scaring the shit out of the kids. They stared at me kind of blankly. "Tattoo, you know Hervé Villechaize!!!!" More stares. "You know, Fantasy Island, Ricardo Montalban, The Man With the Golden Gun."

"Why did Tattoo have a golden gun?" my daughter asked.

"NO, Christopher Lee had a golden gun, and three nipples that's how James Bond knew it was him."

Realizing, I had to back track and explain to them that I had some how thought Angela Lansbury had died, but actually I was thinking of the 3'10" star of Fantasy Island.

"Why would you confuse Mr Villechaize with the lady from Murder She Wrote?"

My son had a valid point, the real reason is because in '91 when I was with Golden State I went to this party in Malibu, sort of a friend of a friend thing -- turns out it was Rue McClanahan's house and all these old TV people were there. Long story short, some one introduces me to Hervé because we're both freaks of nature, he's pretty drunk and then Lansbury walks by. "HEY!" He shouts, "Your show sucks, Matlock could totally kick your bony old ass.. Bitch!!"

Lansbury runs off and I'm laughing so hard I almost fall into the hot tub, which is totally full of Wilford Brimley. Anyway, that's why I think of those two together, but I can't tell them that story so I make up that Lansbury was a frequent guest star on Fantasy Island and the two were briefly married.

Never say Never

According to the SUN Brittney and Justin may be getting back together again!!!!
Well at least for a duet on her new record, but can wedding bells be far behind this meeting of musical midgets?

Okay that might be a little harsh, but seriously, Justin, dude, the Michael Jackson thing is getting a little old -- impersonating a washed up creepy guy can't help but be creepy.

HOUSE OF 2000 CORPSES

Not quite sure why Whatevs is so obsessed with this movie, I know Chris Mullen Bol wanted to see it. I told him to wait until its on cable, too bad for him we have a V-chip in our set -- Cinemax BLOCK!!!! HA HA HA!!!

Anayway, here's a Rob Zombie update from Nummer.

Get Ready to be Bol'd Oves!!

Are you FOW's Ready to RRRRROCK!??!!!

I can't hear you, Manute Bol said are you ready to RRRRRROCK?!!!?

That's more like it.

Is it just Manute Bol, or yesterday was the Gorilla a little heavy on the content, but a little light on the stuff a real FOWs give a crap about?? Are you with me?

WHATEVS!!!!!!

Anyway check out this kick ass picture I made on Microsoft Paint entitled, Gorilla BLOCK!!!

THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER

How to wreck your credibility

First a tour with Dashboring Confessonial, now Beck is writing a song for Ugly McWurst, Pink, to scream at overproduced, ear shatters volume on the Charlie's Angles II soundtrack.

Second Cousin to Adventures in Disposable Income

And you thought your life was boring.

Apple's New Digital Music Service

Those crazy kids at Fortune give the break down on pay for play music.

Here's my two cents on i Tunes by Apple, the new revolution in music according to CEO Steve Jobs. This is a step in the right direction: music download service where you pay per song downloaded, you can burn it to cd, upload it to an digital music player, basically just like all other formats before it you can do what ever technology will allow you to do with it, because you own it (like a mix tape for those stuck in analog). But it’s no surprise that the really big super artists (Dr Dre, Sheryl Crow, et al) are its biggest fans. Why?

THE SONGS COST $0.99.

It still means an album’s worth of music is going to run $15+ bucks. That’s bull shit, the record companies have been artificially inflating the price of CDs for ever – this scenario basically means the fat record companies and huge artists will still reap most of the profits from the industry, nothing changes but the medium.

Basically we need reassess what it means to be a recording artist and look to the recordings more as a marketing tool for the real brand the artist. Basically you invest in recording an album to give it away (or close to it) to people to get them to like you, pay attention to you and to demand more stuff that they’ll pay for. If you ONLY make music in a studio, I’m sorry you aren’t pulling your weight, there are better margins on touring – so get your ass out there and perform, put on a show, do dinner theater, whatever. If you can’t, consider doing movies, TV or something else to supplement your income. If you just want to live off of making recordings fine, but don’t count on being rich.

Back catalog sales are going to amount to very little in the new world, you can still get money from radio, advertising, TV and movies for the rights to use your music in their product, but even now very few artists can live off that income indefinitely. If you’re smart you write your own songs, because all the publishing residuals from the before mentioned mediums, plus other artist covering your song are still worth something – but who has more money, Eminem or that Whacked Out Dude who co-wrote his Oscar winning song? Artists are entitled to compensation for their work. Companies that underwrite that work are entitled to recoup what ever investment (recording time, production, marketing, distribution) they make in those artists. However, they aren’t entitled to be rich just because they have a certain level of fame or because they can help make someone famous, which is exactly the promise of the existing system.

We aren’t stupid, we understand that with digital tech, the cost of making a high quality album is drastically declining and even the new White Stripes album recorded on Dixie Cups tied together with string got uploaded to a computer that certainly was cheaper and better than it was 5 years ago. Marketing’s not a big expense for artist except at the top end and most artists are pretty much responsible for that cost anyway. Distribution in the new iTunes world is pretty damn cheap compared to factories, warehouses, tractor trailers, and Best Buy scenario – so why are they making these damn things cost so much? Because they are trying to keep the old system that’s survived since the days of sheet music and ‘78’s alive.

The last SARS LINK

Is SARS getting a little, well... SARS?

This Week's SNL PREVIEW -- Brody Buzz?????

A little piping hot content from the resident SNL aficionados.

Breakin' Links to Start Yo' Day With Hotness

NME is reporting that those little Russian-Pop-Pixies, Tatu were forced to stop shooting their new video for 'Show Me Love'' on the steps of Parliament yesterday, even after 100 teenage girls in school uniforms showed up for the shoot. A Metropolitan Police spokesperson said: "The commissioner of police dictates to his constables that they should disperse all assemblies or processions of persons causing or likely to cause an obstruction on any day which parliament is sitting. This is to allow free passage to the house."

< cough > You Blow. < cough >

Luckily, the shoot was able to proceed at an alternate location with 300 teenage girls. This comes only days after the girls were forced to cancel three UK shows for lack of ticket sales, which only goes to prove my theory that most British men prefer young boys...

In a related story, legendary rocker Pete Townsend was cleared of charges that he possessed child porn. Townsend did, however admit to 'doing' research' for his book by checking out a pay-for-play kiddie porn site and giving them his credit card number -- though he didn't download any images. Just to make the story even grosser, "a police spokesman said a DNA sample would be taken from Townsend and he would be listed on the national Sex Offenders Register for five years."

Lets just hope they took a hair sample... uhhhggg. Now seriously folks, does this look like the face of a pedophile to you????

A New Day Dawns for Whatevs

beantown!

i'm off the land of Clam Chowder, Nomar and the parquet floor for the next few days. fortunately for the FOWs, i have arranged for a special guest to become Your Humble Editor for Thurz and Frizz. stay tuned to whatevs.org for some ultra fresh P.H.C. for the next few days from this FOW that you all know and love. booyakasha.

x-tina revealed

for those who doubted the authenticity of the X-Tina photo yesterday, I present this evidence of her current weight. the picture on the left was taken on May 5th at the Teen People Awards, and the picture on the right is a papparazzi shot of her swimming in Malibu. i rest my case. schmoggs.

hott lynxxx

riding a wave of publicity unseen since the days of "Amish Paradise", Weird Al is profiled by both MTV.com and Rolling Stone.com today. the first single from his forthcoming album, "Poodle Hat", is called "Couch Potato" and is a spoof of Eminem's "Lose Yourself." Sample lyric: "Oh! Ozzy's family/Sho' loves profanity/Whoa, the insanity/Oh, dogs that crap and pee/Home of depravity?/No, they live happily." while Em gave Weird Al permission to parody his song, that permission does not extend to videos. does anyone else find this wildly hypocritical, esp. since Eminem made his name by apeing the likes of Johnny Carson and Marilyn Manson (in the "My Name Is" video) early in his career, and as recently as a year ago parodied Elvis, Moby and Osama Bin Laden in the video for "Without Me"? c'mon Em, loosen up a bit.

Ashton Kutcher has buzz. not only did he manage to have Brit Brit appear with her tatts virtually falling out of a tank top on this week's edition of Punk'D, but apparently he parties with The Bush Twins! according to Entertainment Tonight, Kutcher alleges that the Bush Twins smoked weed with one of his buddies! and i quote, "So we're hanging out ... The Bushes were underage drinking at my house. When I checked outside, one of the Secret Service guys asked me if they'd be spending the night. I said no. And then I go upstairs to see another friend and I can smell the green wafting out under his door. I open the door, and there he is smoking out the Bush twins on his hookah." so much Spicoli buzz!

after a week or so of inactivity, my main man Kegzies is back with a bevy of updates to the erstwhile and altogetherly tigs Glamorama Online. apparently he's been spending his downtime writing, as he reviews the new Evan Dando album ("If this is the album one makes after spending a decade smoking crack and sleeping on Courtney Love's couch, then count me in"), the new Longwave ("the aural equivalent of reheated leftovers"), the mini-LP from Byrne ("If you asked Spiritualized’s Jason Pierce to do an album reinterpreting late period Beatles, it might sound something like this") and "the single of the year (so far)", Hot Hot Heat's "Bandages". welcome back to the blogging world Kegzies, we missed ya.

whatever happened to Ashleigh Banfield? The New York Times reports on her rocket ride to fame and her equally swift descent from relevance.

through sickness* and through health

recent search buzz

how do people discover whatevs.org? recent viewers stumbled onto this blog o'sexxxiness by searching on the following terms:

clicky con carne

looks like the influence of whatevs.org has spread to the Washington Post! check out the following headline from today's papes: Baghdad Zoo in Tatters After Looting. well if that doesn't just shatters your mctatters, i'll be boombalatters! obvs.

The Smoking Gun reveals the mug shots of the Miss Elizabeth killer Lex Luger. he looks roided out beyond belizz.

as Nummer revealed earlier today, Tina Fey has signed a $4 million deal to appear in the next two seasons of SNL. the deal w/NBC also includes some series development buzz. maybe it will be centered around the infamous Tina Fey walk?!?

reason #936 that Wal-Mart blows. The New York Times is reporting that laddie mags such as Maxim, Stuff and FHM have been banned from their stores. what a buncha students. on a related note, this effectively kills the career of Carmen Electra in America's heartland.

snl season 28 ... REVEALED!

Breaking SNL News
by Nummer

Possible news story of the year...

Last night at approximately 7:57 PM, I was watching the Fox Report with Sheppard Smith. During his "G Block" segment, Smith reported that Jimmy Fallon is considering leaving SNL at the end of the season.

This would sort of make sense since Hollywood Reporter revealed yesterday that Fey has been offered $4 Million to do Weekend Update for 2 more years. My guess is Fallon's offer (if anything above normal pay) wasn't close to that. Perhaps they realize Fey is the talent behind that segment and ANY cast member could sit next to her and read prepared jokes.

Imagine for a moment: an SNL without Jarret's Room, Boston Teens, Leatherman and annoying Weekend Update song parodies. Oh man. This could be a sweet thing.

stripped? no thanks!

first celebrity victim of SARS? or maybe just too many trips to the Old County Buffet? you decide!

SARS goes to Madison Avenue

SARS. despite the fact that J. Walter Thompson isn't its Agency Of Record, SARS has more street cred than White Boy Rick. in an ad that will surely win the Communist equivalent of the Clio Awards, the ad wizards of the Communist Party have launched an anti-SARS campaign, billboard stizz. the billboard reads "The SARS will surely be conquered by our government under the leadership of the Communist Party of China" alongside the image of a giant fist. no word on whether the fist is in any way, shape or form related to Joe Louis' massive fist in D-Town. there is also no official word on when SARS will begin launching spot television and whether it will be local or national in nature ... where's Danny Pesto with some media strategy when you need him?

my advice? hire Toronto's favourite son / Tiger Killer Jorge Bell! best spokesperson since Tom Bosley sent Hefty's sales figures through the stratosphere back in the mid-eighties! someone get Liz Rosenberg on the phone ... so much PR buzz going unrevealed!

developing...

from the "i told you so" department comes word in this week's Entertainment Weekly that Jennifer Garner has usurped the role that Gwyneth Paltrow was supposed to play in "Happy Endings", the altogetherly unanticipated follow-up to "Bounce" from director Don Roos. if you recall, back on February 12th i posted a rant that compared the recent career trajectory of the leggy starlets. Paltrow left the pic to (and I quote) "mourn the death of her father" — while whatevs.org throws continued condolences out to Gwynnie, this excuse is PR speak for "thanks but no thanks, Roos has no buzz." developing...

detroit rocks ... literally! Four underground explosions rocked the city of Detroit this morning, and WDIV is reporting that there is a fire burning underneath the city around the area of Shelby and Lafayette streets. the explosions were big enough to reportedly blow a manhole cover into the air. i always wondered about those underground C.H.U.D. gasses that are everywhizz in the D ... who knew they were explosive? no word on whether the giant underground meth lab beneath Comerica Park was affected. developing...

Keanu Reeves is a mystery wrapped inside of a riddle wrapped inside of an enigma. sure, "The Matrix Reloaded" has more buzz than the first case of celebrity SARS (calling Jorge Bell!), but you know what doesn't have buzz? the fact that Keanu is now in a band with Rebecca from "The Real World: Seattle"! no, i'm NOT kidding. the band's name is Becky and they're playing at gig at The Viper Room TONIGHT! shat, who knew that those recording sessions with Sir Mix-A-Lot would've paid off! no word on whether Reigndance will be opening. developing...

i thought that after I saw Craig Vines climb the walls of The Shelter like he was a drunkenmonkey last summer that I had seen it all. apparently i was wrong. you've heard of girls joining and playing for all-male sports teams, right? well right now in Washington D.C., Ralph Chittams has joined his high school's all-girls lacrosse team, becoming the first male athlete in the history of the United States public school athletics to compete on an all-girls team. according to a parent who watched a recent game that the 5' 10", 140 lb. boy played, "My first thought was that seems like a very big girl. But I'm not sure it really makes a difference. But it was surprising to see him out there. He doesn't seem to overpower the girls" (link courtesy of Solotarian Views). developing...

blue buzz

due to a fundamental flaw in my coding, the FOWs haven't been able to fully realize the whatevs.org redesign that occured oh so many weeks ago. faulty coding didn't reveal the hott ass blue background that was the lynchpin of my recent redesign! i surfed whatevs.org this weekend from home and the blue background wasn't there ... which was SARSified. so please accept my millions of apologies — i do have a some small real estate reserved in my grey matter for design. that plain white background was NOT what i intended ... my bad.

all grizz, all the time

The Grizz just forwarded me this press release that is sure to cause tremors along the faultlines of the FOW Community!!! in fact, this very topic was heatedly debated on Saturday night between Damore, Peabs and myself! According to Billboard.com, "The Strokes have parted ways with producer Nigel Godrich after a trial period of sessions intended for the group's second RCA album, Billboard.com can exclusively reveal. The band will return to the studio at the end of the month with producer Gordon Raphael, who was behind the boards for its 2001 debut, "Is This It," according to manager Ryan Gentles." trouble in Strokesville?

The Grizz also revealed this brief story from MTV.com: "A couple of days ago, David Lee Roth told the world that he apprehended a robber who broke into his manor in the middle of the night by pulling out a shotgun and holding the man at bay until cops arrived. But Pasadena, California, police say Roth has a creative memory. According to the police report, one of Roth's neighbors was trying to break the window of his own home and a concerned neighbor called the police. When the boys in blue arrived, they heard two men arguing, so they asked Roth to open his security gates, and they found the singer on a second floor balcony pointing his finger at his neighbor, who was lying flat on the lawn. Cops found methamphetamine on the neighbor and took him into custody. The report made no mention of Roth wielding a gun." DLR ... so desperate for pub that he issues false press releases! if he's so needy, why doesn't he just go to a Toronto Blue Jays game and catch SARS from giving Jorge Bell a footrub!

reader retort

when people in Hong Kong first started complaining of a mysterious fever about two months ago, who knew that it would turn into the hottest cultural phenomenon since The Rubik's Cube? SARS -- so mysterious! so deadly! so not deadly at all! so persistent! so ruining the Canadian economy! so much buzz! leave it to Damore to send in this Reader Retort dedicated to the best disease since jock itch...

---

From: Damore
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com
Subject: Thank you Whatevs.org (sincerely)
Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 09:31:14 -0400

Thank you Whatevs.org. Because of the piping hot SARS content & creative use of SARS to supplement/compliment the term 'durst', I am obsessed w/ the latest medical mystery of the 21st century. S-A-R-S .

With so much Asian , Canadian, & most importantly Whatevs.org buzz, it's difficult to ignore. Some may say SARS is merely a blip on the radar & is the product of media over-hype selling the drama in attempt to get people to care about something other than how much Tracy McGrady blows. That or the media is trying to fight an unprecedented war on 4 fronts-- 32-10 coverage on the US war on Iraq, SARS, another guy who killed his wife trial, & the size/shape of the kidney stones Larry King passed over the weekend.

There isn't much known about SARS, other than it's bad. Right now I can't even tell you what the acronym stands for. I just know that Amazon.com's distribution center in China has placed a hold on my mail-order brides from Beijing due to the epidemic. Amazon, so unreliable--How many cd's have they said they 'shipped' but nothing showed up? I doubt my mail carrier (Laronda) is kiting all my singles/imports. I mean, if I can't trust them w/ delivery on an Ashcroft single, how could I possible trust them to deliver a mail-order bride? Simple -ordered two just in case one doesn't arrive or one has SARS & dies. Plus they were having a 2 for 1 deal in April due to the elevated level of risk from SARS. Damore, why not buy European? Euro exchange rates are not favorable to Americans at this time.

Oh, there it is--Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome. What the hell does that mean?

Whatevs.org, you are creative using syndrome acronyms to highlight that which blows. Peab's is a huge fan of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), which is pretty sweet itself, but we both agree--SARS has so much more buzz now. SIDS makes you feel guilty because an infant has died 'suddenly', which is sad. AIDS you sort of feel bad because you may know someone w/ it or just take so much crap for being 'un-PC'--plus it's lost so much buzz over the years--it's the Robert Parrish of syndromes...it's so old. But SARS, it's the victim-less syndrome synonymous w/T-Mac getting T-bagged by the Pistons. It sounds like a made up syndrome (like SIDS), but the warning signs are a cross between a hangover & the flu. Headache, 100.4 F temp, slight cough? Hmmm, maybe I have SARS...or better yet, chronic SARS (as revealed last week on Whatevs).

In conclusion, SARS is the best. Please keep up the good work Whatevs.org. My use of SARS is in tribute to the Whatevs & FOW community. Gotta go, time to approve more shipping delays on Amazon.com.

-Damore
SARS free for 1 hr 35 min

f.a.t. part deux

a few more entries made their way into my Yahoo Mail after Friday's 2pm EST deadline ... enjoy!