calling all D-Cups!

picture this scenario:

so you're hanging out one day in your South Taiwanese village when, all of a sudden, you get a fax (stay with me here!) that warns you that SARS is headed to your town faster than a bunch of killer bees! what do you do? obvs you run up to your local CVS in search of a slew of surgical masks so that you and yours can stay SARS-free as long as poss. unbeknownest to you, your stupid teenage daughter had been hogging the phone line all afternoon (no doubt wasting her time on Makeoutclub.com), so the entire village found out about the SARS onslaught hours ago and now the local CVS has sold out of all their surgical masks! damn, if you would've taken my advice and gotten that T-Mobile Sidekick, you wouldn't be in this predicament! but this is no time to cry over spilt milk. how do you protect your family from SARS until the next shipment of masks arrives at CVS? why, my friend, the answer is obvs ... you wear a bra on your face! no silly, not a bra on your head (GKV Stizz!). on your FACE. duh. problem solved. obvs.

august 15, 2003

quick and dirrrty

The new "Bachelor" is from Ferndale. wonder if he eats at Como's?

Gawker interviews "literary bad boy" James Frey. hmmm.

Sony announces hand-held companion to PS2. I guarantee Nintendo is shatting their drawers as I type.

"...And though Buttslammers 21 is an all-girl, all-anal movie, I didn't do anal in it." — porn star Gina Lynn on her only sexual hang-up

Samsung’s SPH-N270 is going to be famous for just one reason… It’s the Matrix phone.

Wild Boy Fred Durst Working On New Wave Solo Project. Kill me now.

Sheryl Crow sells mixtapes at Starbucks. Who knew?

Speaking of which ... Seven Steps To The Perfect Mix.

The State on DVD? (link courtesy of Nummer)

Thursday's episode of "Late Night With Conan O'Brian" will be entirely rendered in claymation. (link courtesy of The Grizz)

cuss like a sailor and drink like a mick

anyone else notice that the two of the last four issues of Entertainment Weekly have been Matrix-focused, yet Keanu hasn't appeared on either cover? wonder what gives, yo.

and you thought it was only known for being the birthplace of approximately 82% of the FOWs. or maybe it was for the white topsiders with khaki pants. or the semi-fun but largely forgettable John Cusack flick. either way, it turns out that Grosse Pointe has alternate forms of buzz going for it. The Freep's Sminty revealed that Renee Zellweggs was spotted at Kroger in Grosse Pointe this past weekend. who knew? personally, I wouldn't be caught dead in that Kroger. i reprezzzent straight up Farmer Jack Food Emporium stizz when I hit the GPizz. MACK AVE, BITCH!

how pissed was I that I missed "Rome Is Burning" last night because I had to work later than expected? the answer: VERY pissed. also, I tried watching "American Idol" again last night, mainly because The Grizz claimed that QT was in the audience and throwing props out to the 205 / Ruben. conclusion? that show blows. Big Ru couldn't even deliver on a super fat tigs song like Peabo Bryson's "If Ever You're In My Arms Again" ... I was very disappointed. He can't hit any of the high notes, he skates on the low register. That Clay "You're Aiken Me Crazy" Aiken is such a 'mo that it's not even funns. But despite the fact that watching "American Idol" was utterly disappointing, it was no where near as revoltingly insulting as watching the Human Chin, Jay Worst-o, return to "The Tonight Show" last night. don't get me wrizz — I'm a Letterman fan through and through. but apparently Katie Couric hosted the show on Monday night, and I thought she'd be hosting again. unfortch I tuned on to Leno, who in a show of pure classlessness, basically insinuated that K. Couric had falsies in her bra and that all she wanted to do was (and I quote) "Nail Brad Pitt." *real* classy, Leno. what a misogynistic, fat piece of Doritos chip eatin' mofo. I wish he'd crash his motorcycle into a pit of SARS-infested American Idol rejects who haven't brushed their teeth in weeks and be forced to suck on Bea Arthur's bunyons while being bathed with those disgustingly worst microwave milkshakes. thank Gawd there's still Dave, i quickly changed over to catch his "Top Ten Signs Something Is Wrong at The New York Times."

Melissa Stark, you will be missed.

hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ. head over to NME.com to vote for your favourite Smiths song of all-time. i think mine is probably "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out", although I have also always held a fondness for "Cemetary Gates" and "Asleep"... (thanks to Glamorama for the link)

well, the trip that Damore and your Uncle Grambo are making to New York is less than a month away. and I'm already starting to get irritated in anticipation of the city's recent ban on smoking in bars and restaurants. you have GOT to be effing kidding me! who does this Mayor Bloomberg think he is? what a Nazi! it was bad enough having to trot outside for a smizz while I was in Beantown, but this is WAY worse. smoking and NYC go together like Peaches & Herb! hopefully they'll still have those 200 hundred couches for me to sleep on...

where's Hannibal when you need him?

i don't know about you, but the last few nights have been filled with restlessness and nary a wink of sleep. the apparent abduction of The Gorilla by Right-Wing Extremists has got your Uncle Grambo up in arms. as a loyal FOW, i know that you are asking "Uncle Grambo, what can I do to help?" well my friend, the answer is simple (and quite coincidentally was delivered to my Yahoo Mail this morning!) ... FREE GORILLA T-SHIRTS!!! click-through to help spring our fearless FOW from the evil clutches of the Department Of Homeland Security ... word has it that The Gorilla is detained in the Ashcroft Wing of San Quentin Tarantino Prison! a word to the wise, though ... don't try to loot the store, because United States military forces will shoot you on sight. commerce, commerce, commerce!

speaking of which...

it's been far too long without any Bynes buzz here on whatevs.org, especially because she's already seen "The Matrix Reloaded" and you haven't!!! bynes ... so many premieres! so many older dudes ogling her spectacular hottness! so sassy! mmmm...

liar liar pants on fire

right now, the only thing with more buzz than SARS is lying. liars (especially those in the journalism community) are everywhere. if you watched "60 Minutes" on Sunday, you heard all about Stephen Glass' self-described "whoppers" he wrote while working at the New Republic. and unless you spent the last few days strategizing over who Hailey was going to kick off "Mr. Personality" last night, you've likely heard all of the brouhaha over Jayson Blair's resignation from The New York Times. this reporter, who left a trail of falsely filed expense reports and fictitious sources behind him (not to mention an alleged "fatal coke enthusiasm that clearly became a serious problem"), has sullied not only his own reputation, but that of the most esteemed newspaper in the world (with all apologies going out to CM Life). while this incredible breach of journalistic integrity has jaws dropping everywhere, its glare has only intensified as the ex-reporter's race (Blair is black) has entered the picture. you see, reports have emerged that Blair had consistently received poor reviews from his editors (including a performance review from his last editor that stated "We have to stop Jayson from writing for the Times. Right now.”), yet amazingly continued to climb the corporate ladder of the NYT. Blair often bragged to his peers about his relationship with Times managing editor Gerald Boyd (who is also black), and many have wondered aloud if Blair was allowed to skate simply on race issues alone. of course, the NYT categorically denied all of these charges in Sunday's massive mea culpa, but other papers are challenging the Times directly on this issue. even the historically lefty-leaning Los Angeles Times took umbrage with this notion, stating in an article yesterday that "the least credible and complete portion of the Times' account is its categorical denial that the unusual tolerance and solicitude the paper accorded Blair, who is African American, had anything to do with his race." as you can see, this story is quickly being spun by a hungry news media into another affirmative-action controversy gone wild, one to which the venerable William Safire has already responded on the op-ed pages to (not to mention Neal Pollack's reactions on both Slate.com and his blog; in the latter he states that this event is "a sure sign that black people must not be allowed to practice journalism in America anymore ... I can't wait for the day when black people have their own newspapers, their own restaurants, and their own neighborhoods. Then they can be out of my life altogether, except for my sexy Ms. Dynamite screen-saver."). while your Uncle Grambo tries largely to avoid discussing political issues in this space, I couldn't let this story go without giving the FOWs a few different viewpoints that you can use to educate yourselves. personally, my take is that it's been a really slow few weeks in the news and that people are trying to whip up a controversy where one doesn't really exist. this issue could have EASILY been dealt with as something other than a front-page story of their Sunday edition. and since the media is afraid to report what a macho, jingoistic jackass G Dubs is (esp. after he buzzed the tower and landed on that aircraft carrier, "Top Gun" stizz), this is the next best story. better than SARS. better than Bynes. and even better than "Corpses 2", as difficult as that is to believe. you think sex sells? try race relations. obvs.

snl season 28 ... REVEALED!

apologies to Nummer and The H-Bomb for the delay in getting these posted!

ricockulous

best headline ever (from this morning's South China Morning Post):

Chinese couple name their baby son Saddam SARS (!!!)
(link courtesy of Drudge)

PHCFYSB

the buzz on the new Liz Phair record is starting to build. her first single, "Why Can't I?", was added at more Hot AC radio stations than any other song last week, according to Radio & Records. and The NYT recently profiled The Matrix, not the Keanu flick but the production team who currently rule pop radio (courtesy of their collaborations with Avril Lavigne). say what you will about Avril, but the fact is that The Matrix just know how to write and produce insanely catchy pop songs, and their work with Liz on the new record is really strong. Liz is even quoted as saying, "I remember hearing `Complicated' and being almost jealous. I thought, `Aw, that's what I want to sound like.' " in the article. and that she does (in a good way!). leave your pre-conceptions at the door and wait to make your judgement after you've heard the tracks.

now at least Caro won't make fun of her for having small tatts. reports are breaking out of the UK that Sporty Spice (aka Mel C) recently got breast implants. if you ask me, she should've held off on the implants and got some lipo instead.

all of the Glamorama buzz is starting to pay off ... or is it? everyone knows that Paris Hilton is the Patron Socialite of Kegzie's euro-blog, and now she's on everyone's radar. first there was the news that she is starring in a new reality show based upon "Green Acres" with Nicole Richie, daughter of Lionel. too bad Nicole is facing a felony heroin charge, dancing on the ceiling stizz. that bad buzz is sure to usurp some buzz from the upcoming Fox show. now comes word that Paris will be starring with `N Sync's Lance Bass in an upcoming film remake of "The Great Gatsby" ... say it ain't so, Kegzies. what will he do?

do you WiFi? i don't even know that it's possible to do in Michigan ... yet. but out in Beantown, all of the local Starbucks were "hot spots." The New York Times takes a look at the impending explosion of WiFi in retail circles and how some companies are using it as a competitive point of differentiation.

i always give credit where credit is due. and as much as it pains me, I have to admit that JP McKrengels' early proclamation that this season of "American Idol" had no buzz is right on the money. I spent a good chunk of yesterday arguing with The Grizz that all of the remaining contestants (yes, including Big Ru) have SARS. and apparently Randy Jackson (one of the judges) agrees. he's quoted in today's New York Post as telling TV Guide that "These kids are singing terribly" and that he's "bored" by this cast. and I guaran-god-damn-tee you that none of these chumps can move ANY records ... pure buzzlessnessness.

if you're a film geek like me, chances are that you've already bookmarked Movie City News. this site is the first to report that Steven Soderbest and Jules Asner got married in Los Angeles this weekend! wonder if it's true? i know they've been dating since "Traffic" but rarely appear in public together. good for him, she's still one hott piece of aiiiise. eff that new Giuliana broad, she blows.

speechless

wow. instead of using this space to praise The Gorilla for his guest editorship last week, I will instead detail the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that he had to endure after taking over the reins of whatevs.org. first of all, The Smoking Gun unearthed the photo at right of a clearly pro-peace Gorilla on Thursday, a story that managed to make its way onto "The O'Reilly Factor" that evening. The Gorilla was deemed anti-Bush and placed alongside Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, The Dixie Chicks and The Rosenbergs on the Top 10 List of Dangerous Commie Pinkos Whose Beliefs Threaten Our American Core Values And Will Likely End Up Ruining Our Society If They're Not Immediately Silenced. that is until the powers that be realized that they dealt with The Rosenbergs oh so many years ago. i shrugged off this association, hoping that it would just blow over. but when I strolled out of my door at the Lenox on Friday morning en route to the Starbucks on Boylston, I noticed that Friday's New York Times featured the lead headline (written by Jayson Blair) that clearly stated that Bobba Fett had captured The Gorilla, placed him in a deep freeze and shipped him off (along with a half-dozen Krispy Kremes) to be eaten by Jabba The Hutt. the esteemed "paper of record" also published the photo below as evidence. i quickly put a call into Manute Bol, who fortunately was able to clear his schedule and freely post to this fine website all day Friday. but The Gorilla's whereabouts are currently unknown; some reports placed him in Mexico City wrestling Koko B. Ware, others in a pro-Vodka rally in Chechyna led by Boris Yeltsin. please report any sightings to me at markdgraham@yahoo.com.

so I feel that it is not only my duty, but my obligation to report that this is just another attempt by the right-wing (who, i might add, have been vastly conspiring to overthrow this website) to silence your Uncle Grambo. many have tried in the past (including Catherine Zeta-Durst, Fred "I'm Durst" Durst and G. Gordon Liddz) and all have failed. I have dedicated my life to providing Piping Hot Content for ALL of your Sexy Bods, and I will now the funds that I have accumulated in my Roth IRA to discovering the whereabouts of The Gorilla. hell, it's got to be a better investment than AOL Time Warner, right?