friday afternoon topic - OUT OF THE SHADOWS

no explanation needed. just sit back and revel in the buzz.

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Uncle Grambo

Character: Eli Cash
Film: "The Royal Tenenbaums"
As Portrayed By: Owen Wilson

"I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum."

At first glance, the importance of long-time Tenenbaum neighbor Eli Cash to the success of "TRB" is often overlooked. His character, a Cormac McCarthy type author, spends much of the movie adrift in a mescaline haze and can easily be mistaken as simple comic relief. And quite honestly, this is how I felt the first time I saw this instant classic. But repeated viewings (upwards of a dozen) have given me new perspective and appreciation of Eli's persona and very important role in the film. It is through the character of Eli that you are truly able to glimpse the resounding successes and overwhelming disappointments that run concurrently through the family's lifeblood. He becomes so transfixed with the aura that surrounds the family at 111 Archer Avenue that he becomes unable to fully recognize or comprehend the amount of "success" (at least in terms of critical recognition and the monetary rewards that befit a best-selling author) that he has in his own life. Growing up in the shadows of a "Family Of Geniuses" turned Eli bitter and resentful, so he self-medicates by doing scads of mescaline and also by sabotaging the sanity of his so-called best friend Richie Tenenbaum by casually admitting that he slept with his sister Margot. He attempts to topple the foundations of the family in the most literal sense that you can imagine ... he plows his car into their house! Although the Tenenbaums were conceived by writers and a director of considerable skill, their neurotic quirkiness would dissipate into the realm of cartoon-y insignificance without the character of Eli Cash. It is only through his failures (and the promise of his redemption) that we can fully understand and appreciate how the undeniably attractive the radiance of the Tenenbaum family truly is.

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Malbersblows

"Stuart" from Mad TV should get his own spin-off show...

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Catch Dubs (Catch Dubs)

Character: Ugarte
Film: "Casablanca"

Actor: Peter Lorre

Man cannot live on Dirty South rap videos and "The OC" episodes alone (although that's not a bad combo...), so occasionally I do partake in the cinema classics. Peter Lorre's "cut-rate parasite" just pops in long enough to drop off visas and get ganked by the authorities, but his four skeevily engrossing on-screen minutes absolutely BEG for a backstory. "You know, Rick, I have many a friend in Casablanca, but somehow, just because you despise me, you are the only one I trust" - GULLY!!

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Peabs

Actor: John Cazale
Role: 1970's Supporting Genius

He only acted in five films ("The Godfathers 1and2," "The Conversation," "Dog Day Afternoon," and "The Deer Hunter"), and all are considered classics of the 70's film renaissance,let alone Best Picture nominees (three of which won, back when it meant something). Each role he played the dark horse, the blacksheep sidekick, soft-spoken in words, but suddle with sad emotion. He mere presenceon the screen made otherwise forgettable moments into great ones. John Cazale was a true master of his craft; never the lead, always the established method actor, supporting the much bigger names (Pacino, DeNiro, et al.) Unfortunately he was under-appreciated until his untimely death, in which he was showered with accolades as the first great character supporting actor. His acting mirrored life-- much like his Fredo, he "broke our hearts."

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The Gorilla

Character: Archibald "Harry" Tuttle
Film: "Brazil"
Actor: Robert DeNiro

It’s weird to think about Robert De Niro ever being in the shadows of anything—he’s the "Raging Bull", "Taxi Driver", "Goodfellas" and most important the Don Corleone you’re really scared of cause he’s ambitious and has no qualms about shooting you with a gun rapped in a towel. But in Terry Gilliam’s bizarre and timeless sci-fi masterpiece De Niro literally pops out of the shadows for a blazingly short performance and then basically evaporates into the same ether. To start it’s a great character – Tuttle is classified as a “terrorist” by the oppressive, bureaucratic totalitarian empire that engulfs this movie in its techno-dystopic funkiness. But to us he’s the heroic Robin Hood of HVAC. He sneaks into the gray rooms of over crowded buildings to fix heating and cooling systems that often kill their occupants. His crime is that it’s all done without the proper government authorization and more importantly without filling out and processing the right forms. He’s outfitted like the unholy love child of Rambo and Bob Villa and the resulting character gives the movie its brightest shimmer of hope and sets up the road to ruin. It is De Niro’s one clearly brilliant comedic performance. More importantly it clearly reminds us the line between terrorists and heroes is a lot more subjective than opposing sides would have us believe.

Honorable Mentions — Dr. Gonzo, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" (Benico Del Toro in the film); John Paul Jones, Led Zeppelin; Amazing Larry and Francis, "Pee-wee’s Big Adventure" (Lou Cuttle and Mark Holton respectively).

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The Clizzark

Character: Pacey
Television Show: "Dawson's Creek"
Actor: Joshua Jackson

Pacey from "Dawson’s Creek" is/was the best of all time – he broke the rules, was an F-up by societal standards, slept with his high school teacher, and in the end got the girl (Joey) and $$$ from an investment banker career.

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Beat Royalty

Character: Enrique "Rickie" Vasquez
Television Show: "My So-Called Life"
Actor: Wilson Cruz

Enrique "Rickie" Vasquez of "My So-Called Life" because "there was a sadness underneath, not necessarily his own, but more an awareness of sadness in the world."

I also give the nod to Chris Walken in any and every film he's been in and offer this quote from James Lipton of Inside The Actors Studio:

"One night, he [Christopher Walken] and George Plimpton and I went to Madison Square Garden to see the fights. And, finally, we left the Garden and there were the three of us, Chris, Plimpton and I on 8th Avenue and 31st Street and all of the sudden we were surrounded by a tight, unbroken ring of young black men, and the three of us looked at each other and thought, 'well...what's this?' And they just stood there staring at us... and then the leader of them stepped forward, put his belly against Chris', and said, 'Man, you are the coolest white man in America.'"

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Method One
(1115.org)

Musician: Alan Wilder

Unlike most of the responses to this edition of the F.A.T., which I imagine will be geared mostly toward movies and tv shows, I have decided to take a few liberties and pick a musician. You might never have heard of Alan Wilder, but I would bet that you know of Depeche Mode, the band that Wilder was a member of from 1982 to 1995.

“Wait a minute” you say. “We all know that you’ve steadfastly refused to give up on the groups you listened to in high school, but why on earth did you pick Alan Wilder of Depeche Mode? Maybe you should reconsider your backup selection of Cameron from ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’....”

Well, it’s a good question. After all, Wilder wasn’t one of the main focal points of Depeche Mode. He didn’t sing, and his songwriting contributions amounted to a mere handful of DM songs. But as the band’s semi-designated “programmer/producer”, Wilder was instrumental in creating the classic DM sound as heard in albums such as “Black Celebration”, “Music For the Masses” and “Violator”. Wilder contributed the dense, layered feel that defined much of the group’s best work. His mastery of sonic details transformed Depeche Mode into one of the few synth-based bands that actually had impact and depth. And when he resigned from DM in 1995, the void left by his departure was very noticeable in the band’s subsequent albums.

But Alan Wilder’s story doesn’t end with Depeche Mode; since he left the group, he has continued to work on solo projects under the name of “Recoil”. Armed with a phalanx of guest performers (ranging from spoken-word poets to long-dead gospel singers), the Recoil albums showcase Wilder’s mastery of mood and texture in a series of dark, epic soundscapes. While the Recoil projects are geared toward the more adventurous music listener (don’t expect any pop music here) they are some of the most ambitious and innovative albums I have in my collection, and on a good set of headphones they are literally mind-blowing.

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JoeIce

Character: Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen
Movie: "The Goonies"
Actor: Jeff Cohen

He was a risk taker - I mean he provided us all with the only nudity in the whole movie (truffle shuffle). He was smart - he spoke Hebrew (the van scene with the Fratellis). He was capable of spilling his guts (blender scene). He was compassionate - he bonded with and befriended Sloth the giant tard (baby...ruth?) Above all else he was the only reason that the Goonies ever even got their hands on the treasure map, busted their way into the restaurant and found the fireplace which led to the rich stuff (his klutzy ways in the attic, outside the restaurant door, and in the basement) Oh and don't go forgetin that in the end, it was good ole Chunk who joined forces with Sloth, rode in on his hunchback and saved the day and the Goon Docks (heeey you guys!) Chunk held that movie together like Elmer's. Oh man, I love you Chunk.

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Cashilini (1115.org)

Character: Lennox
Film: "Belly"
Actor: Louie Rankin

Louie Rankin plays the top shotta drug kingpin with the deep voice and almost unintelligible patois accent. Even though he only has a handfull of scenes, he manages to stand out . He is a master with the AK47 (banana clip stizz), orders DMX to do a hit on a rival dealer, and sits around all day watching soccer with a salad bowl full of the chron. But he seals the deal when he says "I run shit, I kill for nothing and I make lots of money" while holding a joint the size of a baby's arm.

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Makotomeme (Metro Times)

Actor: Peter Lorre
Roles: Joel Cairo ("Maltese Falcon"), Gulliermo Ugarte ("Casablanca"), Mr. Moto ("Mr. Moto flicks"), Mr. Strangedour ("Muscle Beach Party")

All of these fringe freaks played by penultimate “out of the shadows” character actor Peter Lorre. There are none above the “little man” in the "kinda-freaky-wee-dude-with-whom-you-wanna-empathize-but-can’t-cuz-he’s-spine-tinglingly-creepy” category. That voice, those bug eyes, always lurking. He was a proto-Sal Mineo at the very least. The Jazz Butcher wrote a song about him, too! And FWIW, anyone who has played – according to imdb.com -- a character called “Gayly Gay, a packer” in a pre-Hitler German flick called “A Man’s Man” has got to be some kind of bad-ass.

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Damore

Individual: Jeremy Shockey
Occupation: Football player (TE, NY Giants)

Football is a team sport, & i think that shockey should have a spin-off reality tv show in the off-season documenting what a db he is. he is in the same league of durstocity as well, fred durst. spouting off to the likes of maxim about bill parcells ("the homo") & other irrelevant topics such as how his fantasy 3-some would be a mom & her daughter, & failing to include himself in the mix. as much as i dislike shockey, it would an awesome reality tv show. him being a db at the limp bizkit concert in nyc getting drunk backstage w/ fred durst would be so funny. can see him now calling his mom & dad to wish them happy anniversary & calling them "retards". or him trying to pick up hooters waitresses w/ his face & clothes covered w/ medium spicy buffalo wing sauce, all the while referring to the hooters girls as "sweet tits". hopefully tv execs see this & make this show happen.

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R Layng Karvola

Characters: The supporting cast of "Felicity"

In recent years, the one TV show that was must watch for me was the sadly now defunct, homage to the college struggle, synonous with happiness, "Felicity." Although the whole Felicity/Ben/Noel thing was titulating, the real hook for me was the sublimely entertaining antics of the secondary cast. Primarily the on-again/ off-again relationship betwixt 'Megan' (Amanda Foreman*) and 'Sean' (Greg Grunberg*). Who doesn't enjoy watching smart, funny, and creative guy, who struggles with the ladies, court a bitchy, goth, hottie. Add to that the immensly funny 'Javier'(Ian Gomez), and 'Richard'(Robert Patrick Benedict). If one was to relate "Felicity" to a painting, 'Felicity,' 'Ben,' and 'Noel' would be the colors. 'Megan,''Sean,''Javier,' and 'Richard' would be the brushstrokes. With out which you have a poster, and not a priceless Masterpiece!

Bravo, "Felicity" secondary cast, Bravo!

*Side Note... these two are now gracing us with their presence on "Alias."

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Losing My Edge (Losing My Edge)

Character: Duckie
Film: "Pretty In Pink"
Actor: John Cryer

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Halle Berrywhite

Character: Duckie
Film: "Pretty In Pink"
Actor: Jon Cryer

"Duckie" from Pretty in Pink. It's always nice to have someone who loves you while you're looking for someone to love. Yeah, sure Molly Ringwald rolled her eyes and acted exasperated and embarrassed at Duckie's unabashed public testaments of love, but she really liked it deep down. She was flattered and she needed him more than she'd admit. Besides, he was way more interesting than Andrew McCarthy's pathetic, peripatetic "Blaine" character. As Duckie so poignantly said, "Blaine? That's not a name. That's an appliance!" I always wanted a Duckie in my bath.

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Seantizz

Actor: Tom Sizemore

Although he's had a few leading roles, Tom Sizemore always seems to be at his best in a supporting role. And he manages to get supporting roles in a huge movies; "Heat" (one of my favorite all-time movies), "Black Hawk Down", "Saving Private Ryan", and a voice on "Grand Theft Auto Vice City" (natch). Unfortch, he also manages to get himself into trouble with ladies, not to mention rehab. A look-up on imdb revealed Sizemore had a supporting role in "Red Planet", which I thought I had seen until I realized I was thinking of "Mission to Mars" that came out the same year, which btw, had Don Cheadle in a supporting role, who I also think belongs on this list, and if I keep on rambling, I'll get to Kevin Bacon, who's not so natch.

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Marky Jules

Character: Walter Sobchak
Film: "The Big Lebowski"
Actor: John Goodman

Call me sentimental, but I'm forced to draw on the reservoir of movies, television shows, books, etc. I encountered during my formitive college years, too much of which I spent "taking it easy" on one couch or another in various East Lansing dorms and apartments drinking White Russians...thus, I must go with Walter Sobchak (portrayed by John Goodman) in the Coen brothers' "The Big Lebowski". Now, I know some of you will think this too obvious a choice, but for any people who only know Goodman from his sporadically good Saturday Night Live Host performances, "King Ralph", or much if not all of the "Roseanne" series...his performance as Sobchak is wonderful. In a brilliant movie with an even more brilliant ensemble cast, Goodman's portrayal of the sweet, emotionally regressed, Polish Catholic Converted Jew unable to reconcile with obvious lack of intellect or the lack of respect for his Vietnam Veteran status is some of the best "character actor" work that's been done in the last fifteen years. Favorite scenes...the discussion about being able to "get a toe...with nail polish"...and there "being ways, Dude...you don't want to know, but there are ways," or "Nihilists...Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of national socialism...at least its an ethos", or even his commentary on the marmet, "Not to mention, keeping wildlife...an amphibious rodent...for domestic purposes...inside the city limits...That ain't legal either" all resonate with a certain part of me that loves smart and sardonic humor. What puts him over the top for me, though, is his depth. Particularly when he's cradling his cardiac arrest stricken comrade Theodore "Donald" Caravatsos comforting him with the notion that "help is choppering in"... to the parking lot of the bowling alley.

Honorable mention: "Uncle Joey", portrayed by Detroiter Dave Coulier...I n my opinion, HE made "Full House"..."Lenny" Homer's white friend and co-worker on "The Simpsons" and "Karl", Homer's black friend and co-worker on "The Simpsons.

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Fishdog (Detroit News)

Character: Irina Derevko (aka Laura Bristow)
Television Show: "Alias"
Actor: Lena Olin

If anyone watched the Emmys a few weeks ago, the collective gasp you heard during the awarding of best supporting dramatic actress was because Lena Olin of ABC's thrill-ride spy drama "Alias" was robbed. Olin, during her short turn as Irina Derevko, aka Laura Bristow, aka "The Man" (really, that's what she was referred to as before they unveiled her), has never made being evil (or maybe good) look so damn sexy. Having only been familiar with her turns in "Chocolat" (average) and "Unbearable Lightness of Being" (hot), I was surprised to find that Olin damn near stole every scene she was in. And considering the fact that she was locked in a plexiglass jail cell for most of the season, that's saying a lot. Every time she was on the screen, Jennifer Garner became a little less important. And then when she escaped, she fought, shot and killed anyone in her way - even her own daughter - with cold calculation. Those eyes, those lips, that accent - she could read the phone book and make someone want to start dialing. And she's 47 for chrissakes!! Plus, on a slightly depressing note, it seems she may not return this season because of contract issues. Hell, I'll start up a collection and pay for her return. You in?

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Danny Pesto

Character: Ziggy Stardust
As Portrayed By: David Bowie

I think David Bowie's supporting role as Ziggy Stardust....supporting of course David Bowie...honestly though...if you think of music and the musicians being actors...the supporting cast for Bob Segar...The Silver Bullet Band...they ruled...and their choice of dress...even better.

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Pointy Bird

Character: Miles
Movie: "Risky Business"
Actor: Curtis Armstrong

Look past Tom Cruise in his underwear with more body fat at 20 than his freakish, organic spinach and egg-white omelet eating ass has at 41. And who cares that Mr. Armstrong’s headstone will read A.K.A. Booger. It was Harvard-bound Miles who opened a door that couldn’t be closed, exposed a nerve and danced all over it, and shoved Joel and the rest of us over a threshold from which there’s no returning without serious self-medication or massive denial or both.

Every now and then say, “What the fuck”. “What the fuck” gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.

Say “What the fuck”. If you can’t say it, you can’t do it.

And with that, from some under-the-radar flick in the summer of ’83, the existential imperative landed squarely on your unready, unsteady, but somehow capable shoulders.

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H-Bomb

Character: Nat Bussicio
Television Show: "Beverly Hills 90210"
Actor: Joe E. Tata

I know, I know. When one thinks of "Beverly Hills 90210", they don’t necessarily think of the ever-spatula-wielding, ever-smiling, owner of the Peach Pit, Nat Bussicio. But just think of all the things that may have never been without him!! Brandon might not have gotten that wait job, which allowed him to eventually buy that sweet-ass mustang. Brenda may have never fully realized her passion for acting if not for her Peach Pit persona Laverne. Who would’ve walked Donna down the aisle at her wedding? And let’s not forget who was one of the first owners of Peach Pit After Dark. Nat loved “his kids,” and while he wasn’t always initially thrilled with some of their choices, he supported and loved them unconditionally, as a good father would. And unlike most of the "90210" family, Nat was there from day one to the bitter end. Ten years of being the father figure that most of the main characters needed, especially given the number of broken homes these kids came from!! So why is it that he’s barely mentioned in most "90210" fansites out there? Why was he not added to the opening credits until the sixth season? Where is he now?? Yeah, he’s not some hot young star, but he’s NAT!! He’d serve you up a double-chocolate malt on the house when you’re feeling blue. He’d put up with hearing the same song from the jukebox over and over while you figured out your problems. He’d give you the apron off his back and give you a job when you’re looking at rough times, even if he was facing extreme financial trouble himself. Nat was the best and I’d be willing to bet a mega-burger with the works and a slice of peach pie that "90210" and its kids would’ve been lost without him.

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Greedo

Character: Lester Bangs
Vehicle: “Almost Famous”
Played by: Philip Seymour Hoffman

Let’s just get something out in the open, I hated “Almost Famous,” (please hold your Greedo sux comments until I explain). I thought it was one of the most overrated and agonizing pieces of sentimental garbage that has ever appeared in popular film. The acting was uninspired, the writing was cliché and the soundtrack (which admittedly is excellent) is poorly used and only contributes to the film’s mediocrity.

That aside, there was one shining star who made Cameron Crowe’s masturbation special tolerable—Philip Seymour Hoffman’s portrayal of famed rock critic Lester Bangs was bestevs. Hoffman tosses off brilliant character studies with such regularity that it’s easy to lose sight of how good he really is. His Bangs was the consummate geek, the fat, lazy, arrogant, pill-popping, cough syrup-drinking, insomniac, who was simultaneously a skeptical genius, savvy to the music industry, an ironic father figure for the main character, and an inspiration to young writers. He’s a complex character but Hoffman invests him with such gravity and humor that it’s hugely disappointing when he appeared in only three or four short scenes.

Here’s to hoping that ViacomCBSVivendiNBCAOLTimeWarnerDisney produces a movie, a mini series, or situation comedy called “Let It Blurt: The Life and Times of Lester Bangs,” so that Hoffman can revive this role and run with it.

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Kegzies (Glamorama)

Character: Albert Rosenfeld
Television Show: "Twin Peaks"
Portrayed By: Miguel Ferrer

"Twin Peaks" was such a great show, I'm sure you could nominate almost any small character from it for this week's FAT. Today though I'm moved to propose FBI forensics specialist Albert Rosenfield. He gets in some great cracks about "chowderhead yokels" and "blithering hayseeds", which end up getting him punched out (he lands on the dead body of Laura Palmer--"cute!" is how he responds). Then, in his parting moment, he professes a love for Gandhi and extolls the virtues of non-violence. Memorable to say the least.

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Rev Dave

Character: Glenn Michaels
Film: "Out Of Sight"
Portrayed By: Steve Zahn

I thought Soderbergh's "Out Of Sight" has all sorts of room for "the furthering adventures of..." I hear the "Karen Sisco" show is good, but I haven't seen it yet. I would rather have seen a spinoff with Steve Zahn's character Glenn Michaels. The big sunglasses, the mutton chops. It's a great character. Maybe Luiz Guzman's Chino can run around the country trying to get into trouble. Maybe they'll make an appearance on the ABC show, but I highly doubt it. Even though the end of "Out of Sight" has one of the best crossover moments in film history- when Clooney gets in the back of the van for the trip from Detroit he's with Ordell (Sam Jackson) from "Jackie Brown". Elmore Leonard, so best.

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Big Matt (Motorcityrocks.com)

Character: The General Lee
Television Show: "The Dukes Of Hazzard"

What would Bo and Luke or even Coy and Vance have done without it? Daisy Duke even stole the spotlight from The General and she also had a style of shorts named after her. But no respect is ever given to the true star of the show, The General Lee.

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The Lawrs

Character: George Costanza
Television Show: "Seinfeld"
As Portrayed By: Jason Alexander

Mr. Costanza (on answering machine): "Jerry, Steinbrenner is here...George is dead, call us back...".......................

Later while talking Jerry talking to George: "Well aren't you going to call your parents and tell them you are OK?"
George: "Ohhhhh...they could use the break!!"

I wish I could remember that whole exchange, because that pretty much sums up Costanza. I think his character is one of those you "either love 'em, or you hate 'em" characters. I, personally loved the character. I feel George is the character that made that show really click. If you think back to some of the best episodes "Seinfeld", I'd bet 90% of those revolved around Costanza. I think his character comedically depicted life as to what it really is - a roller coaster full of highs and lows. The writers did a great job with this character, that I feel many of us can relate to, and I think it was acted out flawlessly by Jason Alexander. Not bad for a "short, stocky, bald man".

I leave you with this...

Mrs. Costanza: "I walk into the room and I see my son treating himself like an amusment park!!"

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Information Leafblower (Information Leafblower)

Musician: Colin Greenwood
Band: Radiohead

I'm a slacker. My current temp job and a seemingly unending streak of nights spent drinking into the wee hours almost kept me from my appointed FAT rounds, but last night I was saved. I found the perfect person who is always in the shadows(literally), absolutely undervalued, and totally shines when given the chance. I'm talking about Colin fucking Greenwood. Sure, Thom Yorke gets all the press for his lazy eye and wacky haircuts and Colin's brother Johnny, he of the glacial cheekbones, creates incredible sounds with all his gizmos for all the muzo's out there, but when you go to a Radiohead gig, as I did last night, you fucking feel Colin's bass. His playing on I Might Be Wrong is the sickest thing I've heard since John Squire's riffage on Driving South, and that is the utmost compliment I can give. Next time you see the boys from Oxford, keep an eye on Colin. Whether he is dancing a jig to the drum loops in Sit Down. Stand Up or getting his groove on during Where I End And You Begin, he is so money, and as far as I am concerned, he is where the action is.

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Paul Fisher (Haypenny and What Would Kofi Annan Do?)

Character: Pascal
Film: "Big Night"
Actor: Ian Holm

For my money, Ian Holm is one of the best actors working today (never mind the fact that he got dissed by the Academy when they overlooked his killer "Sweet Hereafter" performance), and the first film that really made me take notice of him was 1996's "Big Night". In it, he plays Pascal, an Italian immigrant who's become a successful restaurateur by playing to the tastes of his American customers, to the dismay of Primo and Secondo (Tony Shalhoub and Stanley Tucci), two struggling immigrants trying to serve authentic Italian cuisine to customers who just don't get it. Pascal explains, "A guy works all day, he don't want to look at his plate and ask, 'What the fuck is this?' He wants to look at his plate, see a steak, and say 'I like steak!'"

Holm's performance in this movie is amazing. It's not as nuanced or subtle as his performance in "Sweet Hereafter" (or as nerd-pleasing as his performance in the "Lord of the Rings" films), but on a second look, one realizes that it's not just hilarious comic relief (Pascal has, it seems, recently discovered swearing), it's also a careful, precise performance from a very talented actor.

The film has many, many strengths, making it one of my favorites, but it's Ian Holm's character that provides just enough conflict (it's primarily character-driven) and just enough laugh-out-loud comedy to give the film its perfect pace and tone. Without Pascal, "Big Night" would still have its other great performances and other great dialogue, but it would probably not be as much of a joy to watch.

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Les / Cal

Character: Bebe Benson (aka Beatrice Ann Benson)
Film: "A Chorus Line"
As Portrayed By: Michelle Johnston

Bebe Benson is a character in the 1985 classic "A Chorus Line." What makes her "in the shadows" is that she is a great dancer, and is totally going for the gold, and then friggin Cassie has to show up and steals it from her. Okay, so Bebe makes it in the end, but she could've been more of a lead if it weren't for stupid Cassie. Obviously, I don't like Cassie. She is only after Michael Douglas' D and it gets really annoying (ie: Zack... I am a dancer!!...). My favorite part is when she falls out of the cab. She steals the show in her effort to be the star. Enough hostility. "A Chorus Line" is best evs. Cheezy and yet, brilliant!

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Caro

As far as character actors (aka - Out of the Shadows) go I have a three waytie - there are three current guys that are just the best at this and their nuanced performances continue to impress. Sure, they're household names now and star in movies - they still deliver consistent, amazing work and can make even a bad movie worth watching. My vote: William H. Macy, Philip Seymour Hoffman and John C. Reilly. (any coincidence that they all made the world of porn seem almost normal and relatable in PT Anderson's "Boogie Nights"?). I'm sure if I racked my brain, I could come up with more - but these three for sure are tops. Also - a notable mention for Carlos Jacott - known best as Otis in "Kicking and Screaming" and as Leo in "Mr. Jealousy". That guy is hilarious in his subtlety - and he should be in more movies. "Are you wearing mascara?" "No." (pause) "Yes."

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Foxy Jess

Actor: John C. McGinley

As I rotted my brains on booze and nbc, it occured to me that John C. McGinley sprinkles a bit of gold wherever he goes. Most recently we've seen him as Dr. Cox on "Scrubs", but he's graced screens in dozens of movies, most memorably "Wall Street", "Any Given Sunday", and "Office Space" (who can forget The Bobs?). Never a total scene-stealer (except maybe as Cox) but always memorable. He's a charming asshole and keeps "Scrubs" from floating towards the "Ally McBeal" crowd.

Also worthy of mentioning: Megan Mullally and Sean Hayes as Karen and Jack on "Will & Grace"; any supporting character from "Office Space" (Lumbergh, Michael Bolton, Laurence, Chachsky's staff, the O-face guy--has any one movie spawned so many?).

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Dmitri Jr (Michigan Daily)

Person: Andy Wallace
Occupation: Mixmaster

“I want the guy who mixed Slayer!” — Kurt Cobain
Andy Wallace mixes other people records for a living. You have never seen a picture of this guy but he has had a profound effect on some of you’re favorite and least favorite records. His career makes no sense, none whatsoever. Partners up with Rick Rubin to record Run DMC’s “Walk This Way.” Moves on to engineering series of Thrash metal discs for the likes of Slayer and Sepultura. Mixes alt-touchstones “Nevermind” and Sonic Youth’s “Dirty,” shifts gears completely and produces Jeff Buckley’s masterpiece “Grace.” Oh yeah then he becomes the primary sonic architect of rap-metal. WTF? He mixes countless shitty hits for corporate whores Korn, Limpbizkit, Linkin Park and Puddle of Mudd, but also sticks it to the man with Rancid and Rage Against the Machine. The man’s very existence seems dedicated to messing with my head. Sheryl Crow and Luscious Jackson. Ben Folds Five and Soulfly. Phish, Blues Traveler and System of a Down, Staind. I love/hate you Andy.

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C Friggs

Character: Mr. Kobayashi
Film: "The Usual Suspects"
As Portrayed By: Peter Postlethwaite

I have a bit of an obsession with character actors, despite never playing the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon on a pro-am level. The guys that always show up in supporting roles and bit parts and add consistancy to the film universe. Some play the exact same character or archetype, while others are chameleons, changing appearance, accent and role so invisibly it takes until the end credits before you say, "Hey, that was the fat guy who worked with Michael Richards in 'So I Married An Axe Murderer'!" (Who IS that guy?!) Some go on to successful secondary and lead roles (Philip Seymour Hoffman), others keep it on the D. L. (No doubt!), like Ron Howard's brother, whatsisname. (EDITOR'S NOTE: That would be Clint Howard)

Pete Postlethwaite (Mel G's "Hamlet", "Alien 3", "Last of the Mohicans", "Dragonheart", "Jurassic Park 2", "Romeo + Juliet") is best known as the supposed attorney for supposed arch-villain, Keyser Soze in Brian Singer's "The Usual Suspects". Postlethwaite does an excellent job as the man who informs the crew that they all are now working for the mysterious Soze, or else. He reacts calmly and cool as the team kills 2 of his associates in an elevator, claiming no matter how badly they threaten him, it will be nothing compared to what Soze will do if Kobayashi fails to recruit the crew. [spoiler alert] As we find out later, "Kobayashi" is a brand of china coffee cups and the attorney is a figment of Verbal Kint's vivid storytelling, all believed by Agent Kujan and the audience. As the crippled Verbal limps out of the police station his gait slowly transforms into a deliberate, strong, no longer crippled stride, and we realize we've been had. What really happened? Is Verbal really Soze? Was there a lawyer at all? Suddenly, Pete Postlethwaite arrives, driving 'Verbal's' limousine. Is Pete Keyser Soze? The mystery continues...

---

Nummer

Character: Jean LaRose (aka Rosie)
Film: "Strange Brew"
Portrayed By: Angus MacInnes

I'm going with the Canadian powerhouse that is Angus MacInnes. Angus gave us one of the most forgotten and underrated characters in motion picture history...."Jean LaRose" from 1983's classic "Strange Brew".

His character was a hockey superstar, until he had a nervous breakdown and was sentenced to a mental institution. Once committed, he was forced to drink drugged beer and play hockey against other "lunatics". But you know what - he did it all with a positive attitude because he knew with help from the right people, he'd be able to turn his situation right around. In doing this, he carved a niche as a legitimate role model for any well deserving child - American or Canadian.

And also, if it wasn't for "Rosie" (as he came to be known), Pam Elsinore would have been killed after being held captive in an empty beer keg and dumped in a lake.

---

Manute Bol

TWO WORDS. BETTY FUCKING WHITE!!!! Am I right? Sure she's a little short and pale for me. But she's such a bitch on Marry Tyler Moore and then she does a 180 and is loveable and stupid on the Golden Girls! Right! Are you With me? I tell you what, one time she broke into a St Olaf (which is remarkablly similar to Bahr el-Ghazal, but I don't have time for that) story and I nearly cracked my thin elongated body in two I laughed so damn hard! Don't even get me started on Bringing Down the House -- she carried that piece of shit on her boney little back.

snl season 29 ... revealed!

Don't be so quick to walk away! Get ready for tomorrow night's SNL featuring J. Timbo in both host and musical guest duties. Will we see a Cameron Diaz cameo? I say the chances are good, but what do whatevs.org's resident SNL experts believe? Find out as Nummer and H-Bomb reveal their pre-show thoughts...

snl season 29 ... revealed!

in order to bring this to you as quickly as poss, I'm going to post Nummer and H-Bomb's review of last weekend's Jack Black / John Mayer episode before final coding is complete. it will be fully coded later this eve (I know how much you love the Coney graphics!), but until then, enjoy!

new york city cops

they ain't that smart! New York City Police Departmen Chief Joseph Esposito cut Bruce Springsteen's security escort to a recent gig at Shea Stadium after The Boss performed his controversial "American Skin (41 Shots)" the night before. The song is about Amadou Diallo, an African immigrant who was shot 41 times by New York's finest as he reached to pull out his wallet. no buzz for NYC (via Big Matt).

Obvs (via Peabs, natch)!

hey sailor, you look FABULOUS in that Yukon! The Big Three slowly test the gay and lesbian market. in today's Detroit News, M. Hudson Hawk explores the ways in which the notoriously conservative auto industry is branching out and courting this community with spending power estimated at $450 billion.

i will go down with this ship! Dido sells more than 191k copies of her new "Life For Rent" album to land at #4 on this week's Billboard charts. OutKast, Da Band and Sting came in at #1, 2 and 3 (respectively).

power to the people, y'all! first it was Creed, now angry fans are suing Limp Bizkit for sucking in concert. the class action lawsuit was filed on behalf of 172 "displeased" concertgoers who (get THIS!) are actually pissed that Durst only played for 15 minutes during a Summer Sanitarium concert in Chicago earlier this year. you may recall this is the same night that Limp was pelted with garbage and the crowd chanted "Fuck Fred Durst." no buzz for these clowns, who wants more Durst? i say 15 minutes is plenty.

and as Radiohead gets ready for two sold out performances at Madison Square Garden, The New York Post reveals that there are a healthy number of people who actually despise the band. The article quotes a blogger named Tiffany who says, "Hell, to me, they're probably the worst band ever." now c'mon Tiff, that's a little overboard, innit? the article goes on to quote Chuck Klosterman and a "freelance Web producer" named Laura Young, better known to you as Miss Modernage. as for your Uncle Grambo, I've actually come around on "Hail To The Thief" ... it was relatively common knowledge that I was v. disappointed in the record when it first came out, but I decided to give it another shot about a month ago. it is with this knowledge that I can definitely say that the record is a "grower" (no, I didn't say a "growler", you sicko). if you wrote off "HTTT" after a listen or two earlier this year, I encourage you to give it another go and you might just find a few hott traxx. guaranteed. UPDATE: TMFTML also read this article and proceeds to absolutely go OFF on Chuck Klosterman. Witness the quickness:

"Okay, first of all, fuck you, Klosterman. Second, the hipster's dirty little secret is that he actually likes those pants. Third, fuck you, Klosterman. Fourth, you don't have to have a concrete opinion for liking or disliking anything; ever heard the word "visceral," dickwad? Fifth, quoting an AOL entertainment guide editor as an expert is a bit like asking a priest for contraceptive advice; they have an opinion, but it's wrong and it's going to kill you. Sixth, fuck you, Klosterman. Seventh, this is a remarkably stupid article even by The Post's standards. Eighth, why does everybody get so worked up about a band that is essentially Coldplay with intellectual pretensions? The Bends was pretty good, sure, but Him With the Crazy Eyes gyrating spastically while mumbling "there there" isn't exactly a religious experience, is it? (Unless your religious experiences, like ours, consist mainly of boredom, discomfort, and frequent checking of the watch.) Okay, that's about all we want to say on this one. Oh, and, uh, fuck you, Klosterman."

oh yeah, congrats go out to The Information Leafblower on the new site design. mikey likes it.

separated at birth

special bodyparts edition! Uma's breast and Goofy's nose ... as suggested by Kegzies of Glamorama fame.

another gaffe

dear editors of Rolling Stone,
remind me again what makes these women pictured "rock"? i would go along with "rock" when you're talking about Sleater-Kinney and Karen O, but i'm not quite sure that Dolly Parton fits the bill ... and while Lucinda Williams certainly rules, she most certainly does not rock. no buzz. does the fact that another Alicia Keys album will be in store shortly make YOUR head hurt too? i don't know about you, but I saw absolutely nothing redeeming (or even remotely interesting) about her debut album ... b/c she had Clive jockin' her, she got all the radio and video play and subsequent industry fawning. but I ask you, "where were the songs?" no hook, no rhythm, just a lot of overindulgence. trust me, it won't be long before she goes the way of Erykah Badu, Lauryn Hill, Angie Stone, and Macy Gray. ZERO buzz, both for your mag (c'mon, you know you've lost when Britney takes her pants off for Esquire and not you) and for your cover choice(s).

Sincerely,
— Uncle Grambo
PS - Thanks to The Grizz for the pic.

britney meets paris

looks like Brit Brit is taking a page from the Paris Hilton playbook these days. while it used to be sufficient back in the day to be "footloose and fancy-free", apparently The Aughts require starlets to be "pouty and panty-free" ...

you gotta trust me here

for I don't have the time to really collect a lot of thoughts on these next few subjects, but I've read them all and definitely believe that they're worth your time. and, oh yeah, they come from members of the FOW Nation who (get this!) are Real Professional Writers (unlike your Uncle Grambo, who's merely a Fake Amateur Blogger). mad buzz.

• Check out M. Hudson Hawk's latest Car Culture column, published by The Detroit News. Our man Hawk has also been closely covering the recent contracts signed btw The Big Three (they killed my baby!) and the UAW. He landed an A1 byline today (above the fold, no less!) with his report on a clause in the new UAW contract mandating that employees buy prescription medication for chronic ailments such as diabetes by mail. in other words, you run low on your meds, you don't run up to your local CVS. you gotta get online. the move will save several hundred million dollars a year for the troubled auto manufacturers at the expense of convenience for their employees and keeping local pharmacists in business.

• The indomitable Zulkey gets busy in today's Chicago Tribune with an article on why young women tend to reject sciences based on values (such as IT) for more "human" based sciences, such as psychology. and oh yeah, somehow she managed to work the word "noogies" into the article. best. and oh yeah, she's also ranks the remaining teams in the MLB Playoffs in typically hilarious Zulkey fashion ("...if the rest of MLB was the UN, the Yankees are America.").

• In this week's Metro Times, Makotomeme hits a home run with his profile of P.W. Long's "potent punk-country-blues-rawk". hawt.

i swear, i read it for the articles!

so you're pretty sure that the only reason to go out and buy the new issue of Esquire is for the Britney Spears photos, right? wrong. thanks to my boy Jeffrey Wells over at Moviepoopshoot.com, I've learned that said Esquire includes a kickass piece by renowned Hollywood reporter Kim Masters on DreamWorks production chief Walter Parkes. or, as Wells calls him, "The Man Who Brutalized Almost Famous." the article sounds like an interesting profile of a man both respected and reviled in Hell-Ay circles ... respected by the suits for his business acumen and reviled by the creative folks for being "overbearing in a Salieri kind of way." Wells' summarizes the article near the bottom of his column, but there's also great info on Michael Moore's "Dude, Where's My Country?" and Jonathan Demme's revision of "The Manchurian Candidate" set around the time of the Gulf War. buzzalicious.

revealed by Big Matt! "The O.C." will air at 9 pm on Wednesdays this fall, leaving "Tru Calling" to stand on its own two feet on Thursday nights. c'mon Dushku, we know you can do it! side note: 21 days til Damore's "Tru Hottness" party!

The Village Voice explains how to avoid getting sued by the RIAA and also reports that RIAA Stormtroopers are cracking down and fining independent record stores for carrying "illegal" product, such as DJ Mix Tapes and CDs. gotta hate the RIAA. but you gotta love The Gorilla for passing this along.

This is also The Voice's "Best Of New York" edition. Folks at the Metro Times and Real Detroit should take note, this is what your future "Best Of" issues could and should be looking like (gotta love that they specially formatted their website to be in sync with the printed version). Oh, and HUGE props out to Miss Modernage for being named by The Voice as Best Scenester. Imagine that, being named the "BEST Scenester" in a city filled with 8 million scenesters!?! hott and heavy buzz.

creepy con carne. Method One warns us that the ever kooky Angelina Jolie has taken to eating cockroaches, bees and larvae. your Uncle Grambo wished she would just stick to drinking Jack. and while we're on the topic of Method One, the more politically inclined FOWs out there should check out the recently launched 1115.org. both Method One and Cashilini have collaborated to create a site that revolves around "Uncommon Common Sense". They've got some especially good material to run with now that Ah-Nuld Schwarzenazi has been elected that state's governor (which, btw, has no buzz whatsoevs but will make for some good jokes).

yet another reason why you too should be reading Girls Are Pretty every single day.

f.a.t. announcement

i have been having some issues with Yahoo Mail today and I'm unsure if this message got out to everyone it was intended to. so in lieu of potentially double emailing all of you who were on the list, I will post the message below. if you are interested in participating, please don't hesitate to drop me an email: markdgrahamATyahooDOTcom. the rest of the details are below.

dearest friends, lovers and fellow communists...

it is once again that time where I must call upon you to return a favor to me. i know that you are all grateful to be bestowed with daily dosings of PHC, and like Don Corleone up in this bitch, now is the time where I humbly ask you to return the faves. yes indeed, it is another in a long line of Friday Afternoon Topics. as always, you have made this list because your input would be greatly appreciated. last month's offering was supremely buzztastic and I'm expecting this month to be ever hotter (if that's poss). in lieu of continuing to guilt you into a response, I will leap straight into the belly of the beast and announce that this month's topic is ...

(drum rizz plizz)

OUT OF THE SHADOWS

we all know that the key to creating a successful movie, novel or television show is having the audience connect with your story's protagonist (that's equivalent to "main character", for some of the FOWs who prefer looking at pictures to reading words). but while anyone can come up with a lead from which a plot can revolve, I've always felt that the real trick is creating a supporting cast who shine additional light and lend perspective to the life of the protagonist. and more often than not, these characters don't really get the recognition they so rightly deserve. hence, the topic: OUT OF THE SHADOWS.

here's what i'm looking for. pick a supporting character from any medium that you choose, name the actor* (if applicable) and write a few sentences (or a paragraph or two if it strikes your fancy) on why you feel that your choice is worthy of another look. your focus is entirely your choice. it could be a supporting character who clearly deserves their own vehicle (think spin-offs), it could be a legendary performance (think Supporting Actor awards), or it could be someone compl! etely unheralded. the character can be lovable or despicable. your choice. last month's topic was THEME SONGSand was read by well over 2,500 people in the course of the five days it was on the site. no pressure or anything, just wanted to stroke the egos of the contributors.

here are the deets.
Due Date - Noon, THIS FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10th (although I would prefer sooner, if poss).
Requirements - Character, Place From Which They Appear (TV Show, Film, Book), Actor* (if applicable) + your thoughts. Also, please include your FOW Nickname if you have yet to be assigned one.

as always, your contributions are valued immensely. i love you all.
-Uncle Grambo

* - Actor in the Independent Spirit Awards sense of the word, not the misogynistic. Actor refers to both males and females, obvs.

pardon me ma'am

but are those your nipples or are you just happy to see me? seriously, WTF is going on there!?!? i've witnessed the glory that is The Rack Of Uma (both in "Dangerous Liasons" and paparazzi stizz) and there were NO flaws whatsoevs. There's just GOT to be a scientific explanation for this ... help!

what is this world coming to?

Bad news Detroit. Rookie Charles Rogers, the Lions' leading wide receiver, suffered a broken collar bone in practice today and is expected to miss the next 4-6 games!!! uh, Coach Mooch, HELLO!?! it's a bye week, what are you doing having contact drills? idiot!

some idiot over at The Black Table has the gall to actually DEFEND Fred Durst. thankfully I can report that the defense mainly consists of praising Durst because he's unabashedly WT and he sleeps with some of the world's hottest chicks. while this may be true, sleeping with Durst doesn't really raise HIS reputation, the more accurate statement is that it lowers the hottness of his conquests. what's next from The Black Table, "In Defense of Shockey"??? (link via Gawker)

thank the Lord that Matthew Tobey arrived in the nick of time to save the day by reporting that Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman are collaborating on a horror film! if this project ever comes to fruition, be on the lookout for a "Kill Bill" level of buzz.

Tracklisting for the new Tori Amos greatest hits CD. I haven't listened to a Tori album start to finish in eons ... think I'll throw on "Under The Pink" this evening. Thanks to Fluxblog for pointing me in this direction (while you're there, check out Matthew's review of Saturday's R.E.M. concert at Madison Square Garden. makes me wish I would've shelled out for tix to their show a few weeks back).

end of an era

beautiful is easy to come by...

but when I was flipping through magazines at Tower last night and saw this ad, I remembered that being completely beguiling is another thing altogether. Cate Blanchett ... so mesmerizingly hott. so immortal! so best!

in the zone

with all the Brit Brit hottness over the last few weeks, gotta say that I'm really disappointed with her new album cover. i know that with an artist as recognizable as Britney, the only real goal of an album cover is to make the her face as prominent and recognizable as poss. but couldn't the art department over at Jive have put a little more effort into this particular project? like, seriously. what is intrinsic in the design of this cover that makes me say "I need to own this album"? go out and hire a photog with some gusto. bring in Matthew Barney and see what happens (I'm sure Bjork's sugar daddy could benefit from some mainstream exposure). and I'm totally on the same page with my boy Catch Dubs (who I ripped this link from) that the font choice here is positively atrocious, but certainly not unprecendented. Britney, Britney, Britney ... I was hoping for more. oh well, I'll just have to settle for those ridiculously best Esquire shots.

least relevant headline ever? Ben Harper puts L.A. concert on DVD. most interesting headline of the day? Why "Rubber Ring" Is The Best Song Ever. thanks to the article's writer, Jake Brown, I've now learned that the song's title does NOT refer to a condom, rather to a floatation device. idiot! (UPDATE: Our Fine Feathered FOW in Our Nation's Capital has emailed to inform me of the following: "Rubber ring is actually an English term for a pacifier, and that's what Morrissey was referring to in the song...not an inner tube. Come on, Mark. You're better than that." buzz!?!)

i don't understand what people see in Damien Rice, the winner of this year's Shortlist Prize. when Damore and your Uncle Grambo hit NYC on this summer's "Unprotected Hottness Tour", we saw Mr. Rice perform on "The Late Show With David Letterman" ... it was a snoozer performance, trust me. No different than Tom McCrae or any number of widely heralded acoustic pussbags from across the pond who mistake "quiet" for "deep." no buzz.

Radar, we hardly knew ye. WWD is reporting that Radar is all but dead (link via Gawker).

"...and I don't CARE if you're bilingual!" ever wonder what whatevs.org would look like if I spoke Spanish? wonder no more! # BLAH — INFORMACION ABSURDA PARA UN MUNDO ABSURDO.

this one courtesy of Beat Royalty and New York Magazine.

"We always knew Hollywood was all about selling sex, but it still came as a surprise that some of the world’s most self-regarding directors had signed on to direct shoots for Playboy’s 50th-anniversary issue, on stands in December. Spike Lee, Mike Figgis, Neil LaBute, and Kevin Smith have taken on the Herculean task of shooting Playmates (we pity the women who have to pose for LaBute). But it’s not the first time that directors have taken the bunny dollar. For the January ’78 issue, Federico Fellini, Michelangelo Antonioni, and Louis Malle directed shoots that 'illustrated what they thought was erotic,' says a company mouthpiece, who adds that Hugh Hefner wasn’t involved with the project: 'He only deals with the Playmates.'"

separated at birth

no word on whether or not Val Kilmer is packin' on the pounds for a John Ritter biopic. developing...

speechless

i kept these pics small so the site stays (relatively) SFW, but be sure to check around before you click through on either one of these photos for the full revelation. jesus h christo on a popsicle stizz (images from the new Esquire and courtesy of Britney Images).

navarre win on the road

what does it say about the great state of Michigan when the best quarterback (college or pro) is a cokehead? yes indeed, The Spartys are on a major roll and have broken into the Top 25 after smoking Indiana, while The Lions and my beloved Wolverines both tanked this weekend. But while we all knew that the Lions would experience some growing pains with Joey Heisman at the helm, the last three weeks have been wildly disappointing for fans of the Maize and Blue, especially considering we were talking National Championship after dismantling Notre Dame only a month ago. The Oregon game was a disaster on all fronts, they looked sloppy and uninterested against the overmatched Hoosiers, and their special teams self-destructed versus the Hawkeye frauds. It's time to face facts, the only hope that still exists for this team is to whoop on the Spartys and the Buckeyes and to hope that Iowa loses another game. But anyway you cut it, this season is a disaster. Braylon has been exposed (total butterfingers), we've learned that Chris Perry is a fourth-round draft pick at best and that John Navarre is destined to go down as the worst quarterback in the storied history of the University of Michigan. Like even worse than Michael Taylor, if that's possible. Forget Griese or Todd Collins, I would settle for Scott Dreisbach at this point! worst. season. ever.

the geniuses over at Panera have done it again. first of all, i didn't realize there was even such a THING as "raviolini" ... yeah, I've heard of ravioli but who knew you could add an "ni" on the back and it became soup? if you get the hankerin' for a good soup this fall, I highly recommend their Low-Fat Tomato Raviolini, which is heartily described as "petite ravioli simmered in a garlic tomato broth with red pepper, onion, garlic, carrot, celery, Italian-style green beans and fresh basil." oh so tasty.

wilted and faded somewhere in Hollywood

so disappointing. i like Crazy Nipple Exposing Courtney as much as the next guy (see "24 Hours Of Love"), but Overdosing Nipple Exposing Courtney is just plain sad. who knew that the lyrics of "Celebrity Skin" would prove to be so autobiographical? here's hoping that she cleans up and gets some much-needed help.

i've said it before and i'll say it again. i heart Dido. some lucky bastard at The New York Times recently got to spend an evening with her. and although the evening sounded pretty yucky (she was jet lagged and thought her voice sounded busted), I can attest that she looked tres magnifique and sounded heavenly when she performed on "Letterman." buzz (link via Miss Modernage).

too bizarre to even comment. I'm sure that Letterman and Jon Stewart are going to have a field day with this one, especially if he ends up living. Roy (of Sigmund And Roy fame) mauled by tiger (link via The Gorilla).

smugglin' raisins

ah yes! I'm back from the East Coast where I got my fill of Clam Chowda and Harpoon Ale. because of an extremely full schedule, I didn't even get a chance to surf whatevs.org until Saturday morning. thanks to the raw talent and incomparable skillz of The Gorilla, the FOW Nation didn't miss a beat. congrats and thanks go out to The Gorilla for a job well done ... the content managed to cover an extremely wide range of topics (rappers who murder, Courtney Hole overdose, Rush resets) in an extremely timely fashion and the FOWs responded with some fierce discourse on the backBlog. but as a reader, I must admit I was a little disappointed that The Gorilla failed to cover the TWO most important topics of the week ... Brit Brit's nips and Brit Brit's ass!

by now, I'm sure you've all seen the new cover of Esquire. anytime there is breaking news regarding Britney's bodyparts, I'm in the loop. so I rushed out during lunch on Thursday to a few local newsstands in search of this issue to no avail, and all my attempts at locating the most highly anticipated magazine release since the Belinda Carlisle Playboy were thwarted. damn the man, why must you tempt me like that! but it wasn't until Saturday morning that I witnessed the glory of a braless Brit Brit on the streets of New York, nips a-blazin'! it seemed to put a cap (if there's a pun there, it's intended) on a recent string of celebrity nip sightings, everyone from Kate Mizz to Daryl Hizz to random runway models. and while Mariah didn't EXACTLY follow the trend of exposing her nips, she opted to reveal ridiculous amounts of side cleavage. alas...

but then again, The Gorilla did stoop into your Uncle Grambo's celebrity dirt covered Steve Maddens to report on the Durst / Berry love connection. but thanks to my muckraking friends over at Page Six, we now have more info on how Durst wooed Jinx. apparently he programmed a special set of songs into his iPod to "impress" her, including Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" and Al B. Sure's "Night And Day". I don't know what's lamer, the inclusion of these songs on an iPod mix or the fact that apparently this attempt to "impress" Halle Berry worked!?!

heavens to migatroid! jeepers even! what is the world coming to? it's one thing to add your subversive spin (by Hollywood standards, anyway) to movies like "Josie & The Pussycats" and the "Scream" franchise, but this one smacks of desperation. your Uncle Grambo is sad to report that Parker Posey will be starring in "Blade 3" ...

enough said. from today's Page Six "Sightings" section ... "PARIS Hilton (with her shirt inside-out) table-dancing with a midget and some ad execs at Club Motorock in South Beach."

our old friend Lizzie Spiers is back in the blog game. The Kicker is being funded by New York Magazine and is a return to form for the former editrix of Gawker. definitely one to keep an eye on.