she-bop

it's been far too long since an ode to female masturbation stormed the charts. for reals. while Tweet's "Oops (Oh My)" was one of 2002's more noteworthy singles, the real bookends of this category remain Cyndi Lauper's "She-Bop" and the Divinyls' "I Touch Myself." however, you must not look past the power of Brit Brit and her widely anticipated masturbation anthem, "Touch Of My Hand" (so much for subtlety). while the world waits to see if she indeed OD'd last nizz, ever blogger in existence has linked to Lloyd Grove's "Daily Lowdown" column where she is quoted as saying "I think it's a positive thing to indulge in yourself in a sexual way sometimes." despite a few comments from the peanut gallery, this comment alone wasn't enough to convince me to call in sick for work. however, i can assure you that her statement that her favourite way to be kissed is when "a guy just comes up and grabs you and kisses you and makes you feel really vulnerable and does it very spontaneously" will fuel thousands of worldwide psycho stalker wank sessions this evening during the Diane Sawyer interview. duh.

if I were an egomaniac, I'd assume that they were spurred on my my comments from yesterday. but I'm not (ish). still, I'm still curious as to why it took this long for Gothamist to comment on the Paris Hilton porno scandal of 2003. i mean c'mon, everyone with the words "Paris", "Hilton" and "porno" on their site has seen their traffic at least double over the last few days. you think the good people at Gothamist would have noticed this, especially since they've begun dipping their toes in the chilly pool of advertising sponsorship. verrrry eeenteresting!

after the Paris hubub dies down, these will likely become the most sought-after piece of celebrity porn. Dave Navarro and his fiance, Carmen Electra, have sent out nude pictures of themselves as invitations to their joint bachelor/bachelorette party. photographed by La Chapelle. hott. but if you're still one of the uninitiated, Page 2 offers its Top 10 tips for watching the Paris Hilton sex tape in your office. thanks to Big Matt for forwarding along.

i hate this DB. An "apartment prank" played by Dr. Phil and his team of producers has resulted in a woman requiring her leg to be amputated. no buzz.

you know, I'm getting kind of concerned that the execs at Fox really have no idea how to market "Master & Commander." you know, I am SO there when it opens this weekend, but today's NYT quotes Fox co-chairman Tom Rothman as saying that "(Pirates Of The Carribean) reminded audiences of how much fun a pirate movie is." wait wait wait a second here ... do you really think that's the audience for your movie? people who saw "Pirates Of The Carribean"? if your marketing plan was developed with that in mind, be prepared for this movie to sink domestically. pun mos def intended. it also seems that Fox has pinned all of their hopes on Russell Crowe's star power ... this weekend will certainly illustrate to the world if Crowe can join the likes of Cruise, Hanks and Carrey at the top of Hollywood's A-List.

The Freep's John Smyntek is reporting that local radio legends Drew & Mike have signed a contract extention that will pay the duo more than $4 mills / year. though Smyntie doesn't exactly explain how this money will be divvied up between what he deems as the "Colonic Clown Posse," it is widely assumed that Drew will be making the lion's share of the cast. which, in your Uncle Grambo's opinion, is only fair. remember how durst the show became when Drew had back surgery a few years back and spent a good six months off the air in recovery? as much as I love the Rochester Adams alumni, Mike W. Clark just doesn't have the skillz to carry that show on his shoulders alone. regardless of the split, it's good news to hear that WRIF has secured their rights for years and years to come.

while we're on the local radio tip, is there anyone out there who's funnier than Wojo? while I am normally a HUGE fan of his Detroit News columns, his piece today absolutely KILLS. anyone who follows college football will enjoy this column on what a bunch of frauds those Horned Frogs from TCU are. let's hope that those pretenders to the throne get whupped in the next week or two so they'll stop bitching about how they don't get any respect, and let's CERTAINLY hope that they don't end up in the Sugar Bowl. although, if they did, maybe being defeated by over 80 points by Oklahoma would bring the whole inane BCS system to a screeching halt ... and that is NOT a bad thing. hmmmm.

this week's Metro Times rawks. our good friend Makotomeme has an excellent piece on the "Mall Punk" rockers Candyband, which you've been hearing about on this site for months. While "Swapping angst for a sugar buzz hasn’t always been the most healthy idea for punk rock", Makotomeme argues that this four-piece who play punk rock covers of lullabies "gives kids a sugar-worthy excuse to spazz out and run randomly in circles in two-and-a-half minute spurts." combined with all the good things that The Gorilla has been saying about this band, I say this is a debut album worth picking up. but if your tastes run a little more subdued, you should do yourself a favor and check out Nate Cavalieri's profile of Audra Kubat. she's an amazing homegrown singer/songwriter in the vein of Joni Mitchell who I've seen perform down at Jacoby's a number of times over the years. she's got a record release party on November 22 at the Players Club for her new LP entitled "Million Year Old Sand" ... I say buzzworthy. if you're interested in going with Uncle Grambo, you know how to get in touch. obvs.

unconfirmed buzz

waiting for substantiation is overrated. sent to me by Master Higgins:

Britney Spears, the pop music diva, was rushed to New York Cornell Medical Centre early this morning with symptons of an apparent drug overdose, sources said. Ms. Spears, 22 years old, has been in New York the last week promoting the release of her latest CD, "In The Zone", and was said to be recovering after receiving medical attention. There is no timetable for her release, say those close to the situation.

snl season 29 ... REVEALED!

Nummer and H-Bomb bring you the review of Ripa / OutKast episode as well as a preview of this weekend's Alec Baldwin extravaganza. let's all join in a prayer circle and focus our collective energies on a 2003 version of "The Mimic"!

not if you were the last junkie on earth

"I never thought you'd be a junkie / Because heroin is so passé" — Courtney Taylor-Taylor

while I'm not inferring that Courtney Hole was riding the white pony when she showed up at court yesterday, you know that your shit is whack when the press refers to you as looking "disheveled." ladies and gentleman of the jury, I present you before and after. wowie wow wow, it's been a long-time since the days of runway glamour and "Celebrity Skin" (check my old-skool review!) ... i think most would agree that these interim years haven't exactly been kind to Miss Love. here's hoping that she can put her life back together, if not for her fans then for Frances Bean. seriously Courtney, you got arrested, OD'd and busted for possession all on the same night! and then you have the audacity to show up for your court date looking like this? based on looks alone, I'm surprised the judge didn't throw you to the wolves. get some help, clean up, take care of your daughter and get (the oft-delayed) "America's Sweetheart" on the shelves. your Uncle Grambo has got faith in you...

your body's heck-a-slammin'

if love is good, let's get 2 rammin'. FINALLY saw the two minutes and twenty-nine seconds of Metal Gear Solid style footage last nizz. not much to say about it other than Paris Hilton has one slammin' bod. for REALS. while not titillating in any way, shape or form, this WMV has become the pinnacle moment of the blogging revolution. virtually every site in existence has opined on the matter, which is why I am utterly and completely perplexed as to why Gothamist hasn't had one single, solitary lick of coverage (pun mostly intended). at least not for the last few days, that is. my theory is that they're trying to establish their site as being "above" this kind of juvenile behaviour, but it's not like they haven't covered Paris Hilton before. don't get me wrong, this is not intended to be a bash on Gothamist at all, i'm just curious as to why a site that a Pop Culture driven site that I love would choose to completely turn their heads on the biggest world event since the cancellation of "Coupling" ... any and all theories would be appreciated.
(UPDATE: just checked my referral logs and saw a ton of buzz coming through Nick Catchdubs ... after reading his post, I noticed that we both used the term "Metal Gear Solid" to describe the Paris preceedings. Just thought I would disclaim this coincidence in print, mainly because I don't want him think I'm biting his stizz. Nope, I only reserve that for Cashilini's golf cleats ... obvs. But sears, thx to Catchdubs for sending traffic this way and I promise that I wasn't ganking yo' shit. Great minds think alike, yo.)

and although she's already scored some major referral traffic courtesy of Gawker, you should definitely check out the exclusive Paris Hilton footage that the mighty Zulkey scored. impressive and sure to establish her as the next Drudge.

dude, The Grizz suffers from all these symptoms. I mos def diagnose him with the virus, 28 Days Later stizz. while we're speaking of The Grizz, check out his thoughts on the new Kid Rock record: "The in-your-face bravado that marked those earlier works is gone in favor of a respect for craft and an ear for melody only hinted at before."

this piece from The Onion really hits home: Mom Finds Out About Blog. my mom has cornered me on several occasions and railed on me for the content that appears on whatevs.org. in particular, I remember one exceedingly embarrassing conversation that had to do with "banging" ... eeesh! hearing your mom say the word "banging" (or, for that matter, "bang" or "banged" or any derivation thereof) will scar you indefinitely, trust you me.

is this the beginning of the end for "The Today Show"? savvy media veterans will certainly recognize these two events as a chink in their armor, no doubt.

once again proving that he's got his finger on the pulse of the auto industry, M. Hudson Hawk takes a look at those incredibly durst Calvin stickers that are cropping up on virtually every single pickup truck these days. i especially enjoy his substituting the word "piddles" for piss. trés choice.

the influence of Lizzie Spiers continues to grow. today's column by Jeffrey Wells reveals that Tim Burton's "Big Fish" was filmed in Wetumpka, AL, which fellow Spiers Stalkers will recognize as her hometown. personally, I'm just waiting for Robert Altman to shoot his next ensemble pic on Brewster & Tienken. obvs.

i see london

i see France. wait, you want coordinates? ok then, I see Paris. all hail the devastatingly sexxxy Lindsayism for bringing the world a link to the video starring what the Post calls "a willing, eager and hardly camera shy participant ... think Monica Lewinsky with no body fat" ... because I value my job, I have not had the opportunity to view this video yet, but others out there seem to think it's 2 Legit 2 Quit. and I must throw some props out to Tequila Mockingbird for the FTP buzz ... I will be revealing and comparing the two videos within the hour. obvs. i will come back with Director's Commentary as soon as poss.

first the Paris nudity, now with the Britney! if the Paris vid doesn't float your bizz, then I'm sure that these Brit Brit pics from yesterday's TRL will do the trick. sweet Mary Mother of Yahweh ... untz me baby one more tizz. oh baby baby is right! now only if she'd ditch the fedora ... and the pants ... and the purple panties ... aw YEAH!

so remember all that hullabaloo about Larry Flynt printing nudie pix of Jessica Lynch? well, it turns out that he did indeed buy some nudie pix of PFC Lynch, but only to keep them from ever being published. quoth Flynt, "Jessica Lynch is being used as a pawn by the media and by the government to create a hero who can sell this war to the American people." my thoughts exactly. all hail Cashilini of 1115.org fame for the forwarded buzz.

in case you missed TMFTML's weekly Wrap, it's important that you know that The New York Times trashed both Neal Pollack's new book AND his "thinning hair" ... wtf? maybe Julavits was right all along, I wasn't aware that the Old Gray Lady was mixing its Fashion & Style section with its Book Reviews. ever the good sport, Neal himself comments on the brouhaha on Nealpollack.com today. priceless.

the stills you've been waiting for

the people vs. larry flynt

larry flynt ... as hard as it is to love him, it's almost equally hard to hate him. though I still don't really buy the argument presented in Milos Forman's flick that he's a warrior for our constitutional freedoms, you gotta respect the fact that he can dig up sleaze on just about anyone that he bears a political grudge against. his latest attack involves printing topless photos of Jessica Lynch cavorting around with two other soldiers. while Flynt's statement that "I'm not interested in bashing Jessica Lynch" once again illustrates what a hypocrite the man truly is (how is printing nude photos of someone against their will anything OTHER than bashing?), as a purveyor of celebrity nips, your Uncle Grambo digs his style.

Sasha Frere-Jones has a nice piece over on Slate on The Strokes. his take is damning with faint praise: "As functional and smart as this record is, the Strokes' bets are still too hedged. Their Lego pieces are perfectly stacked, but there's very little risk in the whole game. 'Room on Fire' is a hard record to hate. But it's also hard to love." but that faint praise is quite elegant, so much so that he *almost* convinced me that I shouldn't like The Strokes as much as I do. emphasis on the "almost", yo. The Strokes rule! veteran web crawlers and Strokes aficionados should also swing by his personal website for an added outtake from the article that comments on the video for "12:51".

this weekend in college football was very good for my beloved Wolverines. despite not playing a game (b/c of the bye week), the Maize & Blue benefitted from several high-profile losses and climbed up to #5 in the polls. while you won't catch me counting ANY chickens before they hatch, there are a few scenarios in which U of M could sneak into the Sugar Bowl. keep yo' fingers crossed for a Buckeye win this weekend and strap on your seatbelts for the Big Game at the Big House on November 22nd!

our good friends over at A List A Day will likely find this one intriguing: The Top 50 Guy Movies of All-Time (as selected by Men's Health magazine). the Top 10 are listed on the website, though I would be remiss if I didn't comment on how the list's validity is called into question because of the omission of "Heat" ... c'mon now, Michael Mann is the ace guy movie director of all-time. link via The Grizz.

i've always rooted for Alan Light and this will be no exception. the former editor of Spin is launching a new music magazine called Tracks. the content will be focus on "music built to last." in other words, a music mag for adults that will be the anti-Spin. the success of a mag like this is definitely questionable ... for reals, the kind of people who buy Norah Jones cds aren't really interested in her background and how she was raised. these people are passive music fans by nature, that's why they like Norah Jones in the first place! all that being said, I'll buy the first issue. obvs.

hold me close now tiny dancer

you know, you always hear stories about how tiny Kylie Minogue really is but who knew that she was a freakazoid midget!?! if your Uncle Grambo was Kylie's publicist, I NEVER would have let her pose for this picture with Brit Brit and some unknown UK telly host ... while Britney looks radiant and classy, Kylie looks like she spent the night sleeping in embalming fluid! and for someone who's all over the media complaining about the "pornographing of pop culture", I suggest that she take a look at herself in the mirror, ditch the über-red lipstick and put some pants back on. what a slizzo.

ain't no party like a detroit party

so yeah, the big news round these parts today is the fact that a brand spankin' new Hard Rock Cafe and Borders bookstore have opened in downtown Detroit. and instead of being overly cynical and calling attention to how durst this truly is, your Uncle Grambo will instead take the high road and highlight the fact that this is TRULY an important step in the resurgence of Detroit. admittedly, the sheer fact that an 8,000 square foot Borders has become the single biggest retail store in the Detroit city limits shows you exactly how far we have to go in our restoration process. but fret not young souls, for there are some great developments on the horizon. both the 2005 MLB All-Star Game and the 2006 Super Bowl assure that Detroit is going to be in the national spotlight a LOT in the next few years; consequently, city leaders are determined to show that the city is progressing (economically, architecturally, etc.) and every citizen of the Motor City is excited to shed the stigmas that have plagued this city since the `68 riots. so while 8,000 square feet of retail space may not seem very impressive to you, it certainly impresses me. businesses that are willing to take the financial risk to build in a risky retail environment deserve not only our kudos but our business. and while you won't likely see your Uncle Grambo eating an $18 plate of Righteous Brothers Rigatoni anytime soon, I'll certainly be sure to swing in and toss back a few cold ones in the not too distant future. perhaps some Thanksgiving buzz? we shall see.

before I go any further, I'd like to throw HUGE props out to The Gorilla for guest blogging last Thursday and Friday. his stint as guest blogger resulted in The Blueprint declaring him "hott (metrosexually speaking)", but the lovely Mrs. Gorilla (second from left) already knew that or else she wouldn't have married him. married bloggers ... buzz? in the case of The Gorilla, natch. but thankfully for all tha single ladies out there in the Blogosphere, your Uncle Grambo is single ... like *desperately* single ... i'm talkin' CRYING HIMSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT single. just so ya know. (UPDATE: Thanks to The Gorilla and his ever yo-yo'ing ability to spell properly, some DB just visited whatevs.org in search of "Shannon Dorety Playboy" ... wait a sec, what are the odds that someone else would totally eff up the spelling of our beloved Brenda Walsh — btw, it's Doherty. and while we're at it, the guy bangin' Paris Hilton in the soon to be revealed sex tape is Rick Solomon, not "Nick" ... i'm just sayin!)

dude, methinks Ben Affleck needs a manziere. seriously brah, you need to get back in the gym. like pronto. who knew that there were such risks involved in covering Celebrity Nipples? no buzz.

Another in our ongoing series of "The Headline Says It All" files: Man pleads guilty to killing friend who served him urine in beer can.

remember when Amy Smart was hott? well that was a long time ago my friend, a long time ago.

no wonder "Up" and "Reveal" sucked eggs. In an article in this weekend's New York Times, Michael Stipe revealed the following: "There are people in other bands whose opinion means a lot to me, like Patti Smith, Thom Yorke, Grant Lee Phillips. If those people don't call within a couple of weeks of us releasing a record, I get freaked out." wait wait wait, stop the press ... Grant Lee Phillips? from the overwhelmingly awful Grant Lee Durst-alo? wait, why not that lead pussbag from Toad The Wet Pussy? or either of those fookin' squares from Jackopierce? Of all the mid to late `90s alternaposeurs to bounce your work off, why Grant Lee Phillips? Remember how awful that "Mockingbirds" song AND video were? Easily the worst part of "120 Minutes" in 1995. Obvs.

We're going to take your face ... OFF! this one was electronically mailed to me from a loyal denizen of Tree Town, Mr. APLarcadia.

in case you missed it on Friday, The Grizz's outstanding interview with Kid Rock appeared on the front page of The Detroit News. above the fold stizz! The DetNews, like, NEVER puts feature stories on the front page! congrats, bro! and all you "Bachelor" fiends will dig The Grizz's review of Bob Guiney's new book, "What A Difference A Year Makes."

is it just me or is Mariah Carey like ALWAYS sucking her stomach in? for reals, I'm talkin' always, yo.

we built this city

so all you fucks out in New York and Los Angeles think you're hott shit? well FUCK YOU, bitches! the Motor City muthafukkin' repreSENTS now that we've got our very own Hard Rock Cafe! yeah, that's right. you think you're bad ass because you're eating dinner beneath a dildo Lou Reed used on David Johansen at Max's Kansas City, Mr. In Why See? well eff you and the horse you rode in on, because we've got a black leather jacket once worn by legendary shock rocker Alice Cooper! chew on THAT! hey you, Miss Hell Ay ... when you're eating your $12 cheeseburger off a table that was made from a mirror that Lindsay Buckingham and Stevie Nicks used to blow rails on, think how much classier it would be to see the "light blue jogging pants" that Eminem once wore! suck on THIS, world, our tourism is gonna shoot straight through the rizz now that we've got a Hard Rock Cafe! and if we ever land a Planet Hollywood, watch OUT ... there'll be NO stopping us! gets to steppin', yo!

more of what you love

time is of the essence today. wall 2 wall meetings prevented this morning's dose of PHC, and chances are looking dire that there'll be an early afternizz post. which is pretty much worst, considering that I have a bitchload of hittins for the FOW Nation. until then, please snack on this tasty photo of the lurvely Jessica Simpson rack which has inexplicably popped up on the wire this morn. word to the wise: if you're ever in dire need of random nudity and/or celebrity nipples during your workday, you can't lose by visiting Yahoo! News Most Popular Photos ... completely hott and (mostly) SFW. obvs.