diet tips for the holidays

a lot of people stop me in the street and ask, "Uncle Grambo, how do you manage to stay so svelte?" well dear friends, it's really quite simple. you see, every time that the pangs of hunger begin to wash over me, I JUST LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF CAMERON DIAZ'S NASTY ASS COMPLEXION! i realize that Cameron's Oxy Face is hardly a revelation, but for reals girl, why do you still go out in public looking like that? isn't that why Yahweh invented concealer? no wonder Justin Trousersnake's grandmother is on the record saying their relationship won't last. butt uggs. obvs.

somebody put out an APB for David and Tami from "RW:LA", i'm sure that they could lend some expert commentary to this buzz. San Diego Police are investigating a woman's allegations that she was raped in the oceanfront home where MTV is filming the latest season of its "Real World" reality program. according to all published reports, neither the accuser nor accusee (is that a word?) are cast or crew members of "RW." i wonder how MTV.com is going to cover this story?

call it a hunch. this collaboration is going to be a total abortion. Coldplay teams with The Streets to record a new song.

once you get outside of what I consider to be Detroit (GP to the east, Ann Arbor to the west, Rochester to the north and the Detroit River to the south), the simple fact of the matter is that we've got a helluva lot of hayseeds living in Michigan. case in point, residents of Brighton are failing to grasp the concept of "yielding" in the city's new traffic circle. a la Clark Griswold in "European Vacation", some local hicks have been seen driving around the circle upwards of eight times without exiting. "gawrsh ma, look at them there roundabout! let's drive around in circles `til we get dizzy!" no buzz.

college basketball is back, baby! it was so nice to hear Dick Vitale's voice booming on ESPN last night as he covered the MSU / Kansas game. even though the Spartys ended up getting Punk'd by the Jayhawks, it's always good to hear "AWESOME, BABY!" reverberating around your house. just another signal (along with the alarming chill in the air) that winter is right around the corner.

get me a ticket on an aeroplane, don't got time to take a fast train! Dido just dumped her DB boyfriend, some record exec named Ferdie Unger-Hamilton. i got dibs!

finally, I had the pleasure of meeting Foxy Jess (the famed editrix behind the wildly successful, Los Angeles based blog known as The Blueprint) for the first time last night. adult bevvies were consumed, gossip was bandied about, and bloggers were discussed at length. and because I KNOW that you were wondering, your Uncle Grambo is here to ensure you that her nickname is not only well-deserved but wildly appropriate. hell, if you're lucky you might just get a chance to meet Foxy Jess as dozens of FOWs will be congregating at Centre Street tonight for The Biggest Bar Night Of The Year. come on out and witness the glory of Peabs, Damore, JP McKrengels, E-Dubz, The Gorilla, Mrs. Gorilla, Seantizz, Jen-Bo, GKVibe, Dr Em Medicine Woman, Zachamundo, Friggs, Les/Cal and many other FOWs, all guaranteed to be nattily dressed and ready for action. as for weekend posts, don't hold your brizz. natch. if inspiration strikes, blah blah blah. have a wonderful thanksgiving and keep it reals, yo. i leave you with another lovely pic of my girl Stiles, just to throw it in the face of those dousing backblog haterade. step off, it's a sucka-free holiday! good tidings to you and yours. obvs.

killing time

it seems like the entire world is moving in slow motion this week. it seems that everyone has already mentally checked out for the week, both at work and in the blogosphere. howevs, i will fulfill the pledge i have made to you and deliver you some more last-minute PHC.

props out to the 1115.org clan for keeping it rizz during this time of little buzz. it's a pleasure to see that someone else out there besides your Uncle Grambo is excited for the new Jessica Alba jawn. out on the Left Coast, Cashilini begins the countdown to the December 5th release date of "Honey" ... meanwhile, out on the East Coast, Namedropper sent through this exclusive gossip from the "In America" premiere in NYC a few nights ago.

"In America" premire and after-party: movie, not as good as I would have liked it to be; it won't survive its own hype.
Party: very humorous. Hosted by Bono (he was wearing blue shades) and attended by Tatum O'Neal (bad roots, but otherwise stunning), Helena Christensen (not that pretty), Ben Chaplin (with star of movie, Samantha Morton), and SALMUN RUSHDIE who had me pinned to the bar for 15-minutes. granted it was his back, and he was talking to someone else, but I couldn't move - this may be where the phrase "rubbing elbows" comes from. I'm so totally B-List, but I had a blast.
Food: chicken pot pie, beef and horseradish and really cool rice fritters of sort. Desserts were better than entrees, but isn't that always the case?
Screening: The Beekman.
Party: Cafe St. Barts - very lovely. BTW, Claire Danes and Billy Crudup = confirmed. i cannot reveal my source, all i can say is that she (my source) expects BC to get back with MLP eventually.

how effed must one be in order to be arrested for "extreme drunk driving"? answer: TOTALLY effed! Glen Campbell should just be happy they don't have a law against being an angry drunk ... that's one surly mofo!

for a short time this summer, there was talk that The Pistons would pick up Alonzo Mourning. SO glad that didn't happen. Alonzo Mourning has retired due to a relapse of the kidney ailment that has cost him the greater part of the last three seasons. the medical staff of the New Jersey Nets cleared Mourning to play back in July; he consequently signed a 4-year, $22 million contract with the team. nice medical staff, yo. they should have their wages garnished for the amount of money they cost that franchise. all in all, I wish `Zo well, for he was a true warrior on and off the court. howevs, being saddled with an unused $5.5 million against the salary cap for the next few years is the kind of boneheaded front office move that can hamstring an entire franchise for years on end. no buzz.

Slate's Seth Stevenson inexplicably writes a column bashing Hummer's "Happy Jack" commercials. dude, if you want to be a player in the ad game, you gotsta get with the times, yo! that topic is SO July 25th!!! all your arguments were already made, backBlog stizz, by The Gorilla!

a major debt of gratitude is owed to T-Rob. merci beaucoup, holmes.

btw, my Julia Stiles crush is back in full effect. can't wait for "Mona Lisa Smizz" ... robvs. this pic from a recent issue of EW has me totally bewitched, bothered and bewildered. untz.

trachtenBEST!

hott pics from the set of "Euro Trip", starring Michelle Trachtenberg. the film is currently in production and doesn't yet have a release date, but your Uncle Grambo has already pre-ordered the 9-disc special edition DVD. the plot is described as follows: "When Scotty's German online pen pal suggests they meet, he initially freaks out. But then he discovers that she's gorgeous, and heads out with three friends after graduation to meet her. As they travel across Europe, the four friends have comical misadventures" ... sounds best! thanks to Aural Fixations for sending these snaps along!

durst gets punk'd

during a concert at New York's Hammerstein Ballroom on Friday night, Fred Durst began "bleeding profusely" after some numbnuts in the crowd pelted him with an unidentified object. it was reported that he needed seven stiches to close the gash on his face. while your Uncle Grambo is on the record as a long standing hater of Durst and everything that he stands for, this time the haterade has gone too far. it's one thing to throw grass or clumps of mud at the guy, but actual violence with actual consequences (like stitches) is where I draw the line. c'mon New York, you can do better than that, can't you? you can bury the guy without burying the guy. for reals.

it's offish. Elisabeth Filarski Hasselbeck has been named to "fill the coveted fifth chair."! hott.

in the biggest event this side of the series finale of "M*A*S*H", David picked Linda over Cat in the exciting conclusion of "Joe Millionaire 2"!!! never in my life have I experienced two hours that were frought with such tension and moments of dramatic intensity. I think I speak for a nation when I say "Thank You" to FOX and its band of revolutionarily creative executives ... it is your hard work and dedication that make me proud to be an American. thank you Sandy Grushow, your courage to forego profits in pursuit of bringing the American public such high quality programming has earned you a place alongside Walter Cronkite and Roone Arledge as true pioneers of the medium. god bless you and your unborn great grandchildren. mazel tizz!

gotta love CT from "TRW: Paris" ... that dude is a cut-up. CRY ME A RIV-AHHHHH! check the new 'do, yo.

case closed. the death of long-forgotten z-list actor Jonathan Brandis was ruled a suicide. no word on whether it was caused by the songs of Ozzy Osbourne or Judas Priest. and to continue on the Death Buzz parade, some British wanker recently died in a "Jackass" related copycat stunt. dude, I hope you rest in peace and all that shazz, but where were you like three years ago when that show was actually popular? what a douchebag! i mean, it was totally cool to die with some Johnny Knoxville buzz back in 2000, but here in 2003, it's just plain durst. couldn't your obit at least have blamed it on "Wildboyz" or "Viva la Bam" or something a little more in with the times? no buzz.

poor Mateen Cleaves. fresh from winning an NCAA championship at Michigan State, the Detroit Pistons selected him in the first round of the 2000 NBA draft (one of Joe Dumars' MAJOR missteps as GM). Mateen came into camp fat and out of shape and never really found a place in the rotation and was traded to Sacramento. because he never got around to developing a jumper, he was quietly released at the end of last season. now the former All-American and state hero finds himself as a sixth round draft pick of the Huntsville Flight in the National Basketball Developmental League, a draft in which Michigan's Josh Asselin was the fourth overall pick. Mateen ... no buzz, especially considering his degree comes from such a lowly university. obvs.

london's Observer goes backstage with The Strokes.

neither rhyme nor reason

for all of you dinosaurs out there still listening to "rock" radio, you know that the Foo Fighters' cover of "Darling Nikki" is currently garnering a lot of spins on the FM dial. could "Darling Nikki" become another "Yellow Ledbetter" or "Pink Cadillac"? wait and see, yo.

when your site gets linked to by GoBritney.com, you know you've hit the big time.

the caption of the picture on the right says *plenty*. Stephanie Haaser was suspended for kissing another girl in the River Hill High (MD) cafeteria. come on pretty baby, kiss me deadly! praise be to M. Hudson Hawk for keeping up the quota on posts regarding lesbian kissing.

if you thought that Heidi Klum was looking a little round-ish at the Victoria's Secret fashion show, just wait until this spring's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. rumour has it that Cheryl Tiegs, Christie Brinkley, Paulina Porizkova, Elle MacPherson, and Rachel Hunter will be donning their bikinis once again for this 40th Anniversary tissue. oops, did I just say "tissue"? cuz I really meant "issue", but you can probably understand the confusion. i wonder if this annual paean to the carnal pleasures of the flesh holds as much meaning to today's youth as it did to my generation?

i haven't found any legitimate news sources to confirm this buzz, but word on the street is that Elizabeth Filarski-Hasseldurst will be the new host of "The View"! good luck, hot stuff. here's hoping that you're the next Katie Couric, not that skankily plain Campbell Brown. blech!

yawn. something about Sasha inking a deal for more ... yawn ... Global Underground CDs ... must get back to sleep. this article from Billboard is only worth reading b/c he mentions the potential of a Delta Heavy 2004 tour. i don't feel like I'm speaking out of school by telling you that Peabs and your Uncle Grambo got all effed and had a helluva evening the last time that Sasha and Digweed rolled through The D. developing...

if there's anyone that's on the bleeding edge of the UK Indie music scene, it's Kegzies. over on Glamorama today, he proclaims that a band called The Delays have the potential to be the next Oasis. sounds buzzworthy to me!

do not go gentle into that good night

Requiem For A Gorilla
by The Gorilla

Is it a bad sign when your personal mascot dies of skin cancer? Really, I don’t think you can take it as a good sign no matter what kind of spin you put on it, but maybe if I allow myself a moment for a rationalization to set in… uh… wait… yup… ahhh… of course he lived a really good life for an albino gorilla; I mean 40 years seems like a long time for a gorilla to me, right? And schmobvs he got skin cancer cause he was an albino! I highly doubt his childhood in equatorial Guinea was spent doused in Coppertone, even then all the paba would have likely done him in. He basically got to live out his life in Spain like that fat guy in "Sexy Beast" but without a crazed little guy who looks strangely like Gandhi trying to kill you, and shatters I almost forgot, he fathered 20 kids, which is like an ODB rate of procreation! See that’s not so bad, except for the dying part. Snowflake, from one Gorilla to another, RIP, we’ll pour one out for you big guy.

the casting couch

hallelujah! Ashton Kutcher has dropped out of Cameron Crowe's upcoming "Elizabethtown" because of an alleged "scheduling conflict"! hellzyes! but wait, there's more! Page Six is reporting that Kutcher was actually booted from the project by Crowe because he can't act! apparently the recent read-throughs hadn't been going so well and Crowe suggested to Kutcher that he get acting lessons! yes indeed, it looks like yet another chink in the armor of last summer's buzz boy du jour. this news has resulted in your Uncle Grambo jumping for joy, as I spent a paragraph railing against Cameron Crowe's decision way back in July. there's hope for Crowe yet.

still recovering from the flu bug, all partying was avoided this weekend in lieu of a giant movie marathon. i'm going to try and steal some time this afternoon to write 20 Word Reviews of all the flicks i took in this weekend (ranked in order of best to durst): "finding nemo", "shattered glass", "love actually", "the singing detective" and "legally blonde 2: red, white and blonde" ... i also took in an older flick, "In The Mood For Love: The Criterion Collection." to quote Estella, it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! more on that below.

there's great casting and then there's GREAT casting. Jeremy Davies as Charles Manson? that's GREAT casting. i predict a Manson impersonation second only to Bob Oedenkirk's on "The Ben Stiller Show."

dearest Google searcher who discovered whatevs.org via a search for "kate moss and how she stays so slim": true beauty is within, my dear. learn this one simple fact and your life will improve immensely. as long as you're not ugly, that is. as long as you're cute, most dudes will put up with a few extra pounds. hell, look at Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon in "Love, Actually"! wait a second, she wasn't hefty in the slightest! how DARE those filmmakers try to pull the wool over our eyes on that one? she was s'posed to be "tubby"? er, not so much. THIS is chubby! but i digress ... what was the question again? oh yeah, "how does Kate Moss stay so skinny?" i think it's the drugs. obvs.

Bachelor Bob was in town this weekend, riding high from the highly rated "Bachelor" finale. he appeared at a few local bookstores to promote his new book and The Grizz was there to cover it ... Pants* even got a kiss from Mr. Guiney! unfortch, I was not in paparazzi mode so I don't have any snaps. unfortch, I was stuck in the theatre watching the (mostly) dreadful adaptation of "The Singing Detective." no buzz, except that you DO get to see Robin Wright-Penn in her skivvies. nice.

first things first

with the work week shortened due to the impending TurkeyGiving festivities, i thought it was important to start this Monday morning off on the right note. with that in mind, here are the OFFICIAL PARTY ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR TURKEYGIVING 2K3!

Wednesday, November 26th — Biggest Bar Night of the Year
calendars have been checked, phone calls have been made and so it is decided. the FOW Nation will congregate at the Centre Street Multimedia Lounge (né Centre Street Pub) in glorious Harmonie Park. plan on arriving anytime, though I would imagine most of the FOWs will be in attendance by 10pm. if you haven't been to Centre Street in awhile, it has been completely revamped with a "hipper, more urban feel" according to those in the know. and for those FOWs who are looking for some late night buzz, a group of us will be heading to Global Feast at the Tangent Gallery, where legends Kevin Saunderson and Carl Craig won't stop spinning til the sun comes up. seeing as how Saunderson has the Number One Dance Single in the UK right now (Inner City's classic, "Big Fun"), this party is guaranteed to be extra hott. tix will probably be around $25 at the door, but if you're definitely interested in attending, let me know and your Uncle Grambo will see if he can round up some advance buzz.

Saturday, November 29th — Saturday Night's Alright (For Gettin' Effed)
because your Uncle Grambo is both kind AND generous, I'm going to allow you a full 48 hours to recover from the Lions defeat and all that L-tryptophan buzz. but yo' ass better be ready to shimmy and shake on Saturday nizz, because there will be a large crew heading out in Fashionable Ferndale to the Woodward Avenue Brewery (aka WAB), home of the Best Jukebox In Detroit. your Uncle Grambo will also be hosting an EXCLUSIVE pre-party at his stately casa in Royal Oak ... be on the lookout for an Evite in your precious little inbox within the next few hours. but the crew will be migrating the two miles south down Woodward Avenue around 9 or 10pm ... be forewarned that Damore will likely be bringing a sack fulla quarters for that Juke buzz (i hear he can be bribed with some Sparks* or Dushku merch). After-party plans are TBD at this point, but either your Uncle Grambo or His Boy McElroy will likely step up and represent.

and with that, the PHC shall commence after my 10:30 meeting ... happy holidays, y'all.

pasadena or bust

we've been on the run / driving in the sun / looking out for number one / California here we come / right back where we started from

hustlers grab your guns / your shadow weighs a ton / driving down the 101 / California here we come / right back where started from

CALIFORNIA, HERE WE COME!