i believe in a thing called love

this morning's visit to Coolfer paid off in spades. just after composing a plea for the SNL Music Bookers to get The Darkness on their schedule, I learned that the band is currently in New York and will be performing on Letterman tonight! i am SO there. and by "there", i mean "my ass will be on the couch tonight" ...

you may have popped Cris in da club. you may have popped Cris in da Birm. but those crazy Polish people apparently prefer poppin' Cris in da pond ... and then getting the fish drunk! what the hell kinda country are you living in, Kegzies? what a bunch of DBs.

read it on So Sayeth The Peabs today, see it on Drudge tomorrow! congrats to Peabs for breaking the story on the Burger King bandits, a story which has become international news. bovs.

worst news of 2004. Gothamist is reporting that the release of "Kill Bill 2" has been pushed back at least two months, possibly further. effin' Harv.

The Grizz on the new Phantom Planet record in today's Detroit News: "The band drowns itself in garage rock primordial ooze ... as Summer on 'The O.C.' would say, 'Ew.'"

the script is described as "Flashdance" meets "Bring It On." the story is set in the competitive world of figure skating. best, right? get those visions of Moira Kelly out of your head, it gets better. Michelle TrachtenBest has signed on to portray the lead in the film, tentatively titled "Ice Princess"! but wait, it gets better! TrachtenHottie is also going to be starring on a 4 episode arc in "Six Feet Under"! but wait, IT GETS EVEN FRICKING BETTER! Michelle TrachtenGoddess is also starring in, get this, THE NEXT GREGG ARAKI MOVIE! i thought that one of the most promising indie filmmakers of the `90s had dropped off the map entirely, but "Mysterious Skin" is in currently in post-production! hot hott hottt!

The Sparty basketball squad is in real trouble. maybe Izzo and Mooch need to cuddle up together with a warm glass of hot cocoa on a bearskin rug somewhere in the U.P. and discuss where both of their seasons went awry.

you gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to beat Information Leafblower to the punch on ANY story regarding The Mozzer. in addition to the fact that I like my shut eye, The ILB writes as eloquently about Morrissey as I do about Bynes. in other words, click through.

Mischa Barton and Evan Rachel Wood star together as teenage lesbians? somebody get Season Three of "Once And Again" out on dvd, STAT!

snl season 29 ... REVEALED!

what does Lorne have in store for us during 2004? hopefully more Armisten! on top of that, I demand some freakin' accountability from their musical booker ... who is the jackanapes who signed up the Black Eyed Peas to perform? "Where Is The Love?" is hands down the worst single of 2003. bring on The Darkness (or at least Liz Phair)! but I digress.

back from their winter slumber are whatevs.org's resident SNL experts, Nummer and H-Bomb. along with their patented Pre-Show Commentary, they've also submitted an excellent recap of the Elijah Wood / Jet episode that closed out 2003 A.D. enjoy!

all is forgiven

i don't know if those branches are of the olive variety, but your Uncle Grambo is willing to pretend they are. Prepare for your jaw to drop as you witness the hottness from the recent Brit Brit photo shoot for In Style (likely NSFW if your office is anything like mine). open question to all: is it just me or does it appear that she stole Jessica Simpson's stylist? that 'do is awfully Simpsonesque. u-n-t-z!

be still my beating bynes

damn it, damn it all to hell! how come i didn't hear about Amanda Bynes' appearance on E! News Live tonight until just now? i can only cross my fingers and hope that The Grizz and Mandypants* TiVo'd this shizz. you heard it here first, 2004 is sure to be the best year evs in the life of both Bynes and your Uncle Grambo!

pa-WHAT???

it's one thing to be forced to swallow a deserved 20 ouncer of Haterade from time to time. but when said Haterade is served up with words that you don't even understand, that's another thing entirely! an influential media pundit named Daniel Radosh took time out of his day to call whatevs.org (and i quote) "goofy patois" ... say WHAT? at first, i thought he meant paté and i briefly wondered if i was worthy of appetizer buzz. but i thought better of it and instead took a few moments out of my day to look it up.

turns out that patois means "a dialect other than the standard or literary dialect" ... eh, that's kind of a compliment, n'est-ce pas? but then i explored further to reveal that what it really means is "uneducated" and i was like "NOOOO!" but then i flashed back to lessons learned in the bars of Beantown by my boy Good Will Hunting ... remember who ended up going home with that hott English lass, Skyler? that DB with ponytail? hellz no, my boy with the mop did, right after goin' to the bahhh and beatin' up some smaaaaaht kids! clam chowdaaaaah! aaaaah!

but seriously, what else can you say other than it's actually an honor to end up on the radar of someone like DR. hopefully, if he reads this, he'll come to realize that your Uncle Grambo is a lover, not a fighter. c'mon Dan, drop an "obvs" in your work from time to time and see how good it feels. trust me on this one. one love, y'all.

after all this, all you can do is count your lucky stars that i showed up on Radosh's Radar (such clever puns!) instead of the long arm of the law like Choire Gawker! totally busted for printing top secret behind the scenes buzz @ the Martha Stewart trial. good luck brotha, drop me a txt msg if you need bail $$$! [via TMFTML via Manhattan Transfer]

if Jamie Gleicher decides to join the police force, i bet she'll become the head detective! get it? "head"? like, she's got an EXTREMELY LARGE MELON! pictured with former Wahlberg and Jeter trophy, Miss Jordana Brewster.

ah yes, i see those studio execs in Hollywood really DO know what they're doing. "The Bourne Identity" closes out 2003 as the year's top rental.

there's hope for a Balis trilogy yet! Bravo picks up the rights for a third season of "Project Greenlight" after HBO bails. word has it that Chris Moore will have a reduced role.

shout-out to my girl Lindsay, who's having a rough go of it in 2K4. give her some clicks and some love.

bad news for SMG fans. generic bad boy Jason Behr (of "Dawson's" and "Roswell" fame) has been cast as Buffy's love interest in the upcoming remake of "The Grudge" ... does anyone else smell "straight-to-video"?

new Haypenny! my fave piece was "My New Novel" by Brian Graham (no relation).

the more you ignore me, the closer i get

of course, my coverage of the recent announcement that Morrissey's next album will be called "You Are The Quarry" could never stack up to The Information Leafblower's ... that being said, I found the real juicy bits of the story to be in Mozzer's description of the pain he went through trying to secure a record deal. apparently one label wanted him to make an album with the musicians from Radiohead and another wanted him to team up with Tracey Thorn (of Everything But The Girl fame, natch). uh, how magnificent would that have been, Morrissey teaming up with either one of the two? some say better than Tim Booth and Angelo Badalamenti! [originally via Nummer]

nudge nudge (gentle stizz). 2004 Bloggie Awards.

in the brief yet memorable history of So Sayeth The Peabs, your Uncle Grambo would argue that this morning's post represents a significant step in Peabs "finding his voice" on what's sure to be 2004's hottest blog. bovs.

somehow you just knew this one was inevitable. propelled by the unlikely smash hit that was "Stacy's Mom", FoW have now officially evolved into MTV lapdogs. the video for their next single, "Mexican Wine", will parody both Jay-Z and "American Idol" ... no buzz. but then again, this is the same road that the Foo Fighters have travelled down before (with great success critically and commercially, I might add). let's keep our collective fingers crossed on this one, yo. [via The Grizz]

what the hell is this all aboot? Canadian taxpayers fork over roughly $1MM to bring Conan O'Brien's show to Toronto. are the production costs really that astronomical or are Canadians still out to prove that their city is no longer rocking SARS buzz? my guess is the latter. [via Vanessa C]

Nummer and H-Bomb reveal new SNL Buzz ... Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey will co guest host the January 17th episode. G-Unit and 50 Cent are appearing as musical guests. buzz.

tired

in honor of my played-out and tired reset of J. Lo's ass below, i hereby bring you an entire string of "been there, done that" type posts. we're flashin' back here people, jump on board and shake yo thang!

...

that Mariah Carey ... she CRAZY! i mean come ON, going all Daryl Hannah on a tropical beach ... she must be nutters! and did you SEE "glitter"? that was the bomb! and by "bomb", your Uncle Grambo means "it didn't perform well either critically or at the box office"! huzzah!

shake it, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture! hey everyone, white people love OutKast! isn't that Andre 3000, like, TOTALLY inventive? personally, i think he's the second coming of Prince!

boy oh boy, that Paris Hilton ... she likes to party with skanky dudes, doesn't she? The NY Daily News reports that she's dating former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter! who will be next to bone the billionaire? it's anybody's guess! (EDITOR'S NOTE: If this story sounds familiar, it's because you read it here on Monday.)

hey everyone, The Boston Globe thinks that rock criticism is dead! they proclaim that there hasn't been ANYONE original since Lester Bangs! they might be onto something here ... this is some breakthrough journalism!

j. lo, j. lo — the giant tail-o

now I've long been a proponent of what i like to delicately refer to as "a shapely ass" ... no stick figures for your Uncle Grambo, thank you very much. and all the media attention surrounding the size of J. Lo's ample posterior seems to be rubbing off on today's youth; a recent study suggests that of all the bums in the world, teenage hotties want to emulate J. Lo's. but like Susan Powter before me, I'm here to declare that it's time to STOP THE INSANITY! these recent pics from the "Paycheck" premiere suggest that this derriere is far more barfalicious than bootylicious. girl, you better start off the new year with some of those Subway Atkins wraps or somethin! dayum!

retirement is now officially an option

writing whatevs.org on a (mostly) daily basis provides your Uncle Grambo with all sorts of highlight reel types of moments to fuel the ego, but a few stand-out above the rest. getting props from Rebecca Traister (NY Observer, Salon) on a piece I wrote about Roman Polanski? i couldn't speak for days. being mentioned in The Village Voice? still can't believe it actually happened. my first links from Miss Modernage and Gawker? unless you know me personally, you probably wouldn't be here right now if not for these two...

but all of those moments have been trumped by the praise I received earlier today from none other than JEFFREY WELLS! muthafucka, your Uncle Grambo has been reading his columns on a weekly basis since 1997, and for him to grace whatevs.org as "a daily must-read" ... all i can say is "NO FUCKIN' WAY!" one of your idols tossing out buzz to you in his column? uh, BEST?!?! he won't remember this, but The Grizz and myself met Wells not once but TWICE @ The 2002 Toronto Film Festival ... after screenings of "City Of God" and "8 Mile." i've got a photo of it somewhere, i'll try to dig it up tonight. so Jeffrey, if you're reading this, thank you thank you THANK YOU!

tonight on "Entertainment Tonight" ... Jason "Don't Call Me Costanza" Alexander battles in an underground Fight Club! i'm not shitting you, this Mr. Festivus "Don't Call Me SPY-ers" Spears muthascratcha whoops some serious ASS in the clip i saw last night! even better? he was interviewed by "ET" coming out of a Chili's restaurant! who eats at Chili's, anyway? he wants his baby back baby back baby back ... er, not so much.

although this news was first broken by Foxy Jess days ago, Pitchfork weighs in on Los Angeles new "indie" radio station, owned and operated by Clear Channel (obvs!). despite the heinous corporate ties, their playlist is pretty much off the charts for anything other than a college or indie station. hopefully CC will drop a station like this here in Detroit and finally put the final nail in the grave of 89X. thanks to JanElleMacPherson for hooking me up with the linkage.

Russell Crowe and Kate Beckinsale are circling starring roles in Ron Howard's upcoming adaptation of "The Da Vinci Code" ... it seems like everyone and their mother is reading or just finished this book. Is it buzzworthy? Any book labeled as the fastest selling book in Barnes & Noble history sounds a little mainstreamily dodgy to me. I usually take my literature with two scoops of pretentious.

Uma Thurman? amazing face. great pins. tight butt. strangely appealing feet ("kill bill" stizz). best rack evs. but something about these bikini shots gross me out (kinda sorta NSFW) ... it's gotta be the overwhelmingly large belly button, right? right? and yes, I'm prepared for the onslaught of criticism from the females out there. i can just hear it ... "how can you criticize someone the entire WORLD acknowledges as the picture of perfection?" and the answer is BECAUSE I CAN. ooooh, SNAP!

hayseuss chreesto, that Robert DuVall sure is one crotchety old bastard, isn't he? all these years later, bitching about how much money Al Pacino got for "The Godfather III" ... dude, you are a highly respected multimillionaire actor, get over your bad self! and cut your greasy old mane! on top of all that, you owe me a refund for "Secondhand Lions" ... and I saw it for free! no buzz for you. [via Information Leafblower]

Peabs makes a case for "Blue" by The Jayhawks to be the Best Single Of The `90s ... my vote has always been for "Common People" by Pulp. weigh in with your thoughts over at So Sayeth The Peabs!

deuce bigalow hearts the wolverines

this almost makes the pounding we took in the Rose Bowl worthwhile ... Rob Schneider spotted in a sea of Michigan fans! sporting the maize & blue, no less ... BUZZ!

in brief

after two days of coasting, it seems like everyone is officially back to work today. i'm trapped in a glut of meetings like those crazed sabre-toothed tigers are trapped in the La Brea Tarpits. but like The Boss once sang, "my love love love love love love will not let you down" ... hence, a return to the bullet approach of PHC. rejoice!

• Beyonce will sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl.

• K Dizzy informs us in today's Detroit News that the famed Farmer Jack Food Emporium in Rochester Hills will be closing! noooo!

• Seriously, I challenge you to find one person out there who clamored for this sequel. Production has begun on "The Bourne Supremacy", a sequel to the Matt Damon starring "Bourne Identity." the only good news is that Julia Stiles will be playing a larger role in this version ... yes!

• Bowling is all the rage in Metro Detroit!

• Mr. Bean will portray the evil Lord Voldemort in the fourth "Harry Potter" movie. let's hope he's more convincing than he was as the baddie in "Scooby Doo."

• "Its hobbituary denouement is gayer than anything in Angels In America" — J. Hoberman unleashes a classic in Slate's Movie Club.

• And finally, I leave you with a photo of some random starlet getting jiggy with a scary clown that I found over on the IMDB.

BREAKING NEWS!

Montreal Expos to move to Detroit ... into the old Tiger Stadium, no less! so much Michigan and Trumball hottness, imagine what it would do for business at The Lager House! buzz courtesy of Top Tipster, check part of the Press Release (for full release, click here) if you think i'm shattin' youze:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
"Take Me Out To The Ball Game..."
Detroit, Michigan -Global Baseball, Inc. (GBI) and Cam-Tré Innovations today announced the completion of their initial discussions to bring Major League Baseball back to the corner of Michigan and Trumbull. Local Metro Detroit Venture Capitalists, Gus Aguilar and former Major League player Nikco Riesgo, of GBI, and Carmen Thurman, of Cam-Tré Innovations, are Michigan based Hispanic business leaders with a common desire to participate in revitalizing Detroit.

GBI is currently preparing proposals for the purchase of the National League Montreal Expos, with the specific intent of moving the club to Detroit. The troubled Expos were purchased by the other twenty-nine Major League teams prior to the 2002 season. A committee appointed by the team owners is now seeking a new home for the team. Riesgo, who actually debuted in 1991 for the Expos, believes that Detroit will be a prime candidate. "There are several other cities already vying for the team," he said. "But moving the Expos to one of those locations means the leagues will have to revise their divisions and wait for a new stadium to be built. Neither of those problems are issues in Detroit. We can play our first game in 2005." If the purchase is successful, GBI will become only the second minority group with controlling interest in a Major League ball club.

don't squeeze the charmin!

while she hides behind a nickname or two here on whatevs.org, you certainly WON'T find her hiding in any bathroom stalls. oh how much do i hate thee office bathroom? let her count the ways. namedropper goes OFF on the lack of soundproofing stalls and even recalls an anecdote regarding Mary Tyler Moore in her hilarious piece entitled "TP For My ... Uh, You Know" over at 1115.org. now i've read quite a few opinions of do's and don'ts regarding office bathrooms in my day, but never from the female opinion. that alone demands a click-through. huzzah!

just announced! iPod ... for chicks! well not really for chicks per se, but i can't see any dudes buying this garbage. link courtesy of a tag team combo of Information Leafblower and Dirty McKean.

say hello to Maggie GyllenDurst. how can Jake be so best and Maggs be so uggs? she looks like a janitor ... an UGLY janitor! BOOYA!

Ad Age on the 10 Who Made A Mark On Marketing in 2003.

eff Sia Michel, my vote goes to Ultra. The New York Post counts down NYC's Most Eligible Bachelorettes. others making the list include Sofia Coppola (definitely buzzworthy even in a rebound sitch), Uma Thurman (ditto) and Ally Hilfiger (all you hunnys who dissed her back in the day, you know who you are). but you know, I've always been wicked attracted to the writing style of Virginia Heffernan ... anyone know if she's a) hott and b) single? [via Choire Gawker]

Fimoculous counts down the Best Blogs of 2003. alas, no love for Uncle Grambo. howevs, mad props to all the peers who made the list, a great many of whom I know patrol this site from time to time. hott. 2004 is totally MY year, yo.

mark your calendar. The Detroit Film Theater has announced their Winter 2004 schedule. count me in for anything on the list, but particularily "The Fog Of War", "The Company" "The Triplets of Belleville" and "One From The Heart."

ah yes, it's that time of year. the time for Hot & Not's! The Washington Post and ESPN's Page 2 both turn in their lists.

and while i may have another post in me before the day closes, i thought it would be noteworthy to mention that today is whatevs.org's Two-Year Anniversary. or is it a birthday? this i'm not sure. either way, it's been a long and rad journey (see what i mean!) and i just want to take a quick sec to thank you for your continued patronage and support. keep it rizz, y'all ... this year is guaranteed to be HOTT. obvs.

$820 mills for this?

shit, couldn't you just have rented "Mission To Mars"¹ at your local Hollywood Video² and saved yourself roughly $819,999,996.05? c'mon, it's Brian DePalma-tastic! in addish, you get to seem some grizzled Don Cheadle buzz! NASA blows.

more more more

maybe he was too drunk to consider the repercussions or maybe he just REALLY wanted sniff those panties (Durst stizz), but i've gotta believe that Jason "Don't Call Me Costanza" Alexander is regretting his decision to get "married" even more than Brit Brit does. as if the sheer embarrassment of the whole world knowing that you have a "trademark black Camaro" isn't enough, how about the whole world knowing that you were arrested on battery charges? or having being quoted as saying that all hell broke loose when "we started telling people what we done did" ... for reals, does anyone outside of Mt. Pleasant truly have grammar that is THAT poor? "we done did" ... dude, maybe instead of spending so much money on your cheezer Camaro, i suggest you invest in a little Hooked On Phonics buzz! but, then again, i'm sure that Britney is mighty embarrassed, too. Cindy Adams is reporting that the bride "whoops'd" right before the wedding and that she was "on a tear." now your Uncle Grambo has gone on a bender or two in his day (take for instance the last two weeks!) and i'm not exactly what you'd call a teetotaler, but all recent signs of overindulgence point to the fact that Britney might want to seriously consider a stint in rehab. she's starting to make Peabs look like a Mormon!

mmmm, Gwynnie. so much Vanity Hittins. can't wait for that rack to swell up to Madge like proportions, post preggers style.

btw, JP McKrengels said it tastes less salty, too. [via JayGray]

hasta la vista baby, you've been terminated! NBC reportedly asks Maria Shriver to step down. no more special reports from Skeletor, it seems.

something about the DNA of articles like this excite me, probably because my DNA is about a 60 / 40 mix of pop culture geek and english major. check out Jonathan Gold's recent article in LA Weekly about how NWA's "Gangsta Gangsta" changed not only rap music, but the city of Los Angeles as well. very well done, props out to S F/J for the link.

can someone please explain to me who in their right mind would spend $55 (plus S&H) on "Lost In Space - The Complete First Season"??? shiiiiit.

say bye bye to a Rochester institution. Mitzelfeld's is going the way of Jacobson's. i'm definitely planning on taking one last walk through the store before they close at the end of January ... so many childhood memories.

one of my favourite things about this time of year is the emergence of "The Movie Club" over on Slate. each year, Slate's David Edelstein (for my money, the best film critic working these days) gathers up a posse of other notable critics and they engage in email banter regarding the previous Year In Film. this year's participants are Mr. Edelstein (naturally), Manohla Dargis of the LA Times (my second fave critic, i miss being able to read her columns), A.O. Scott of the New York Times and Sarah Kerr from Vogue. If I had my druthers, I would've substituted Kerr for Jeffrey Wells ... it would've been nice to see the interaction between three top-of-the-line critics and one top-of-the-line journalist and see what kind of discussion that this could have stirred. but that's just me ... either way, this year's group is off with a bang and reading their diatribes is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. i would suggest printing out the pages and reading them when you have a spare 30 minutes or so ... the language and thoughts are so rich that it deserves your full attention. buzztastic.

so that's what you call exclusive?

er, not so much. Bonnie Fuller must have been upset and embarassed after reading the criticism that she received right here on whatevs.org yesterday ... how else can you explain her decision to spend $100,000 for the "exclusive" rights to the Britney wedding photos? hey Bonnie, i got yer $100k right here! it's called "right click, save as"! there, i just straight up saved you six figgs. now howzabout you give your Uncle Grambo a job?

if you want exclusive, HERE'S exclusive. sure, Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick isn't quite as high profile as Brit Brit, but at least this story has exclusive buzz (especially coming on the heels of the announcement that Detroit Rock City is now Detroit Fat City). revealed by the infamous Top Tipster!

kwame k. is on the protein/atkins/low-carb diet as of today! the 'D's dapper mayor took his gastrointestinal plunge today at the posh sweet ga. brown in greektown, asking his lunch chef to saute some sea bass and spinach. the wait staff at sweet georgies indulged hizzoner's off menu desires and wished the mayor and his entourage a happy new year. — top tipster!

digging in the dirt

just imagine with your Uncle Grambo for a sec the frenzy with which tabloids scrambled to cover the events surrounding the Britney Costanza wedding ... picture Janice Min (US Weekly) screaming at her Vegas beat reporter for getting scooped by People. envision People editor Martha Nelson with both feet on her desk, smoking a giant celebratory fatty. visualize the pained grill of Bonnie Fuller as she watches her reputation crumble like a bag of month-old Oreos. ah yes, this is truly a story that belongs to the internet and, for a change, the daily newspapers. take, for instance, The Sun's report that, earlier that night, "(Britney) was spotted kissing one of her female dancers — smooches that made her infamous recent kiss with Madonna at the MTV Awards look tame" ... the famed UK tab also reports that she checked into the hotel under the name Alotta Warmheart (EDITOR'S NOTE: Why not Alotta Vagina?). howevs, the award for Best Coverage of the Brit Brit weekend goes to the New York Daily News, who have absolutely SCHOOLED The Post for dirt and deets. for instance, their report that Alexander recently dumped his HS GF, he lives with his parents and he's often spotted around his hometown of Kentwood (LA) in his "trademark black Camaro" ... what's the matter with that dumb hick, he can't afford a t-top Firebird? they also go on to describe that Britney celebrated the union with an oyster toast rather than champagne ... "because they're an aphrodisiac"!!! details have also emerged that the duo initially arrived at the Little White Wedding Chapel around 3am but were told they first had to go to the county courthouse to get a marriage license ... can you believe that they actually came back and did the deed two hours later? that sounds like more than just a spontaneous kind of decision, yo. you just know that it's only a matter of time before the wedding video hits the internet. you can bet yo' ass that your Uncle Grambo will be there to cover it. obvs.

check out the new totally effed up look on Kelly Osbourne ... it's as if Robert Smith and Delta Burke had a lovechild and then decided to feed it nothing but Hostess products (be they cupcakes, Twinkies or what have you) for the first 18 years of its life. disgusto.

in more depressing news, none other than God* himself is predicting "a blowout election in 2004" with G-Dubz emerging victorious ... when asked for clarification, God* replied "It's shaping up that way." bad news for the Dems, yo.

no shit, Sherlock! after almost 15 years of sailing down Denial River, Pete Rose admits he gambled on baseball. if Bud Selig ends up clearing the way for Rose to enter the Hall Of Fame, i promise to boycott baseball for all eternity.

best news of 2003 that wasn't spotted until just now! Rob Zombie has received the greenlight on budget and script for his "Corpses 2: Electric Bugaloo" ... best! no official comment from Rob on whether Capt. Spaulding would return. developing...

Marky Mark Wahlberg is now dating Jessica Alba. can someone check in on Cashilini and ensure that he's alright?

jealous guy

damn, yo. one of my goals for 2004 has already been usurped by the one and only Rob Theakston. yes indeed, the worldly man about D-Town was just spotted on an episode of VH-1's "True Spin", commenting on the origins of "One Week" by The Barenaked Ladies! congrats Rob, couldn't have happened to a better man. except, of course, if it happened to me. i keed!

best thing about 2004 so far? obvs it was the season premiere of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on HBO tonight. as if hearing the word "douchebag" on television wasn't satisfactory enough, methinks i'm developing a fullblown crush on Cheryl Hines. while she's always been the rock of stability on the show, there was just something magnetic about her smile that completely drew me in on this particular episode. i don't know if she rocked some hardcore white strips in the offseason or what, but i'm tempted to say best smile since Julia. time will tell on that one.

speaking of douchebags, check out this George Costanza buzz. too bad only hours after the Wedding Of The Year (top that, Ben and Jen!), Mr. and Mrs. Alexander filed their annulment papers ... IN THE PRESENCE OF A LAWYER! wow, that happened fast. your Uncle Grambo is betting that Brit Brit was all yayo'd when it happened and returned to the hotel motel for some post-wedding hittins. but then a few hours later she woke up with a cold sweat as the realization hit that she could potentially be out millions of dollars and, like, IMMEDIATELY got her lawyers on the horn. obvs. i'm sure there'll be some sort of public statement out later today.

just when you think that Paris Hilton couldn't sink any lower, the gossip mill starts churning out buzz that she's riding the baloney pony of former Backdoor Boy Nick Carter. lest you think it's just rumours, click on each one of these words. worms Roxanne, worms! someone disinfect that Starbreezy like ASAP!

yeah yeah yeah, i appreciate all you out of state jokers who took time out of your day to inform me that Detroit is now officially the "fattest" city in the nation. it is with this in mind that I hereby demand that Gov. Jenny "On The Block" Granholm repeal the ephedra ban or, at the VERY least, legalize blow. how else are we gonna get slimmer in 2K4? eff dieting and exercise, i would prefer to stay up all night watching VH-1 with the pheddy jitters. for reals.

but seriously, i appreciate all of the tips that the FOW Nation sent through while I was on vacay ... a lot of interesting shit actually happened. Limp Bizkit was named worst band of the year, the Los Angeles coroner announced that he he's not really convinced that Elliott Smith's death was a suicide, and Tokyo caught Disco Fever (thanks to Method One, Nessa and Vanessa C, respectively). in addition, The NY Times proclaimed Good Charlotte to be "punk" (if by "punk", they really mean "pussbags", i'll go with it), the Information Leafblower decided to spend NYE burnin' down the house and London's Observer provided us with a handy list of 21 ways to be better in 2004. personally, I think a good place to start is to avoid becoming a gambling addict like Ben Affleck ... is bangin' J-Lo really that boring that you have to be up playing cards at 3am on New Year's Eve? eeesh.

with all that being said, hope that everyone's holiday was as hott as your Uncle Grambo's. happy 2004 to each and every FOW out there, i'm certainly looking forward to another year of delivering all the Piping Hot Content that your sexy bods can handle. cheers!

say it ain't so

in the first worthwhile event of 2004, the blogosphere is awash with buzz proclaiming that Brit Brit got married yesterday in Vegas! reports are surfacing that the temptress married her childhood sweetheart, Jason Alexander ... so much Festivus Hottness! while a fairly legitimate news source (People, to be specific) is reporting the news, your Uncle Grambo has some serious doubts that this buzz will prove to be Tru. however, it is important to note that Britney was "hammered" in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve and that she had to be carried back to her penthouse suite at the Palms by her bodyguards. maybe this George Costanza fella roofied the living hell outta Miss Spears (note: NOT pronounced SPY-ers). developing...

UPDATE (11:37am): Entertainment Tonight beats The Smoking Gun to the punch and obtains Britney Spears' marriage license ... looks legit, folks!

UPDATE (12:55pm): It's now being called a joke wedding and Brit Brit is seeking an annulment. Too bad for that Jason Alexander schlub, looks like there wasn't any consummation buzz.