best week ever

tonight marks the premiere of what promises to be the hottest shit to hit friday night tellyvision since "dallas", yo. at 11pm EST, make sure you're either planted on yr couch or you've got the TiVo set up proper because you do NOT want to miss the debut episode of "Best Week Ever" on VH1. if "I Love The `80s" was the shy girl in junior high that you really wanted to slow dance with, then "Best Week Ever" is the bangin' slut who stole your virginity in the back of a limo. imagine one of your favourite blogs being animated and coming to life, Frankenstein-stizz, and you've got "Best Week Ever" ... actually, one of the best parts about this show is that it already has its own blog that will actually influence the content of future episodes! even hotter is the fact that it whatevs.org is prominently featured in the "Best Week Ever" blogroll (along with other premium hottness from the likes of Stereogum, Gawker and my boy Danny Radosh). so, if it appears that there's a conflict of interest in this post, you just may be right. let's face facts, your Uncle Grambo can be bought and the price isn't ALL that high. but in all sincerity, here's exactly why this is not the case and why i'm not just being a total Tommy Brady-esque shill.

i managed to catch a mostly-finished version of the pilot episode last week and it was FUNNY shit. honestly. the panelists do a great job summarizing and then roasting all of the best moments that happened over the past week and some change; Kennedy has an especially hott bit on what it means to have a Blaccent (you'll see what I mean). other hott topics include Ashton Kutcher, "Ugly Is The New Retarded" and the premiere of "American Idol" ... essential viewing for anyone who enjoys this site, this i swear (Lachey stizz).

first we take manhattan, then we take berlin

after last night's debates, i would like to heartily congratulate Peabs for picking up the endorsement of Corey Haim. one Corey down, one to go. but who really gives a rat's A about Feldman anyway? if I were running the "Obvs In `04" Campaign, i would focus on getting the endorsement of Rick James. every good campaign needs a strong Deputy of Freebasing (natch). good luck in NH!

A new study proves that the parting of The Red Sea was possible. in a related story, it was proven that Eve actually ate a Granny Smith apple and NOT a Red Delicious, as lore commonly holds. nothing hotter than the Original Sin buzz, except of course when INXS sings "Original Sin" ... obvs.

what you read on whatevs.org in July will inevitably make its way to The Detroit News six months later. The Snooze profiles The Candy Band. the only reason this article has buzz is because Baetens wrote it. hottness.

we've got another entry in the Celebrity Death Match: Blogger Edition! while the main event will still be Lizzie SPIERS v. Lizzie "Old Hag" SKURNICK, Moby v. Drudge has been added to what amounts to be an already promising undercard (Uncle Grambo v. Radosh, Jen Gothamist's Rack v. Brassiere Underwire). buzz.

if you prefer your Gawker with a dash of "Meet The Press", you should take the time to visit Wonkette. the latest creation from Blogger Mastermind Nick Denton is self-described as follows: "Wonkette provides an appropriately arch and irrepressibly giddy guide to the American political landscape and the Washington metro area social scene (such as it is). We like recall movements, illegitimate children of senators coming forward after 50 years, wrestler-style wild screams of rage and the endorsement of Dennis Kucinich by Grandfather Twilight (Look it up! It's true!). We also want to hear from you. The Palm: Over-rated or just plain bad? James Carville: A toad or the devil incarnate? Katherine Harris's rack: Fabulous, extraordinary or mouth-watering?" after reading that Katherine Harris crackback, your Uncle Grambo will be tuning in to see if they'll be infringing on my well-guarded territory of Celebrity Nip Coverage.

Von Bondies Singer Says He Didn't Fight With Jack White. no shit, there was no "fight" there, just a straight-up ass whoopin. and Jason Von Bondie claims that when Jack White first approached him at The Magic Stick on that fateful night, he didn't even recognize it was him. JvB also kind of admits that there may have been a hidden reason behind the incident (and I quote): "It could be a million things, but nothing that I have done in the last two years has anything to do with it" ... it could've been a million things, eh? hmmm. i'll leave the dirt digging on this one to the boys over at MCR. [via Aeki Tuesday]

didn't see this one coming. psyche. NASA Loses Communication With Mars Rover.

exponentially durst

so you duck out of work early one night to play volleyball and get drunk with your co-workers and you miss the big announcement that Bennifer is officially kaput. while the J.Lo press release asking that "during this difficult time, we respect her privacy" will challenge the Brit Brit wedding and Uncle Grambo's visit to NYC as the most blogged about events of January 2K4, i don't really have much to chip in on the matter that hasn't already been blogged about. i just wish that i could learn how to go back in time (Kutcher-stizz) and figure out a way to make the Ben and Jen nuptials work. sure, we would've been barraged for a few weeks with talk of the wedding and honeymoon and yada yada. but now, every single time that either Ben or Jen is spotted in public with ANYONE, we will have to endure discussions of whether it was actually a "date", whether it's love, whether they'll be serious and what kind of effect that said encounter had on the other member of Team Bennifer. the ripple effect from this breakup is exponentially durst than what would've happened had the two actually gotten hitched. oy. [jpg at right ripped from the geniuses at Low Culture]

QOTD: "Being Creatively Fulfilled Is the New Being In Love" — Lindsay

proving just how fast the culture is moving these days, The New York Times' Stephen Holden asserts the following: if Reese is the next Julia, then Kate Bosworth is the new Reese! how about that? at the ripe old age of 27, Reese is already being usurped by a fresher, younger hottie. dateline summer 2005: Bynes will be proclaimed as the next Bosworth. obvs.

more Dizzee Rascal buzz, this time courtesy of The Grizz in today's Detroit News. "(Dizzee Rascal) keeps it real, rapping about self-doubt and petty crime over fractured 2-step beats that sound like they’ve been water-damaged in a basement flood" ... B+ buzz.

meanwhile, over at MTV.com, their crack staffers preview the new Courtney Hole jawn and Kurt Loder performs written fellatio on Ashton Kutcher (likely the only time you'll ever see "expert performance", "enormously appealing" and "remarkable accomplishment" used to describe Ashton). hey Kurt, why don't you just Fed Ex him a key to a motel room? no buzz.

file this one under "No Shit, Sherlock" ... The Wall Street Journal is reporting that two Halliburton officials accepted up to $6 million in kickbacks from a Kuwaiti company that was awarded contracts to supply U.S. troops in Iraq.

so, after volleyball last night, Uncle Grambo and his co-workers frequented a local brewpub for some appetizer plates and post-match brews. after the first beer, this shy little hunny leans over to me and asks this horrifying question ... "Are you a metrosexual?"

in the name of Bynes

Bynes Bynes Bynes. in case you missed it, the picture gallery of the Bynes visit to "Regis & Kelly" is already online! damn, yo! that's some serious Bynes dedication. respect. and if you are as big a Bynes fan as your Uncle Grambo, you should DEFINITELY sign this petition to help put Bynes in the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Hall Of Fame. there's no Charlie Hustle type scandalicious buzz here, so shouldn't this five-time KC Award winner take her rightful place in the hall? obvs.

hot chick in glasses alert! i can't wait to get all Gen X'd out when Lisa Loeb visits The Magic Stick on February 17th. if that's not enough to win you ovs, perhaps the opportunity to heckle headliner Dweezil Zappa will get you there. shmears.

reason #638 that the music industry is in deep shit. eleven weeks after its release, "The Very Best Of Sheryl Crow" is sitting at Number Two on the Billboard album charts. are people REALLY clamoring for the umpteenth cover of "The First Cut Is The Deepest"? apparently so. isn't that why God invented iTunes earplugs?

Film Comment's Guilty Pleasures of 2003. it's about god damn time that "Final Destination 2" started earning some much deserved props.

unless it comes straight from the mizz of Harry Allen (P.E.'s famed Media Assassin), i'm not believin' the hype. until i see that he signs on the line that is dotted, your Uncle Grambo refuses to get excited about the rumours that World Series MVP Pudge Rodriguez is going to sign with the Detroit Tigers. it's all spin, yo. just you watch, Tiger Fan will be stuck having to get excited based solely on the off-season signings of Vina and Rondell White. no buzz.

one of my new fave blogs comes from the mind of one of my old Borders colleagues. back in the day when Borders.com was a thriving presence on the web, i worked very closely with Miss Jessica Jernigan to develop a series of highly targeted email campaigns designed to highlight her unique literary skillz and her cult fave column, "Grrrl Talk." she's always been one of my favourite writers, so I was quite enthralled when I recently discovered that she launched a eponymous blog with the subhead of "Cultural Criticism and Beauty Tips" ... pop culture freaks like me will definitely enjoy pieces like "I'd Rather Marry Dylan McKay" and "Oliver Trask: L'Homme Fatale", while all of the hott ladiez who visit whatevs.org will TOTALLY dig on her beauty tips. for example, check out her review of Kiehl's Lip Balm in Hue No. 30G, from which the follow excerpt was lifted. highly recommended.

"...Under ordinary circumstances, lipstick is too much. I've become a big fan of gloss, but I'm finding that it just doesn't work for me in wintertime. With a comfy, no-nonsense, WASPy wool sweater, for example, super-shiny and possibly shimmery lips just look odd. With a fuzzy turtleneck, glossy lips make me feel like I'm back in junior high ski club, which is not an unambiguously good feeling. That pretty much leaves lip balm."

monkey shines

why can't you do it? why can't you set your monkey free? always gettin' into it, do you love your monkey or do ya love me? even Google is celebrating the Year Of The Monkey!

attention single women! wanna get date raped by a pro football player? did we mention that he's rich and famous? if so, then sign up for the new season of "The Bachelor", starring New York Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer! hut hut HIKE! and by "hike", i mean "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ROOFIES?" if ABC execs were set on casting someone named Jesse, i would've preferred to see some original Uncle Jesse hottness. shmears.

detroit is hardcore, yo. Kim Mathers, wife of Eminem, was busted twice this summer on coke charges, showed up late for court not once but TWICE and still got off with only having to go on probie. must've been that hott rack. obvs.

when it comes to revealing, there's Davis and then there's everyone else. if you were excited for the release of "Freaks & Geeks" on dvd, you'll totally cream your jeans when you check out the limited special edition. we're talkin' an 80-page foil-stamped and embossed yearbook, with two extra DVDs of bonus material! some say best packaging since "The Evil Dead: Book Of The Dead Limited Edition"! [via Buddis Lembeck]

dear idiot who searched for http://www.whatevs.org on Google: it's called the ADDRESS BAR. try using it sometime. best wishes!

plastic bag luvvin' Wes Bentley joins the cast of the upcoming film "Shadowboxer" ... tragically, it has nothing to do with Fiona Apple. Fiona ... so missed!

more Uncle Grambo ego-tripping. Check out the hottness revealed when your Uncle Grambo met up with the über-delish Jennypenny at Bar 13 one week ago today.

it don't get no rougher. Eurotrash breaks down what it would be like to sleep with every character from the "LOTR" trilogy. here's an excerpt of the buzz.

Arwen
Arwen is like all those remarkably perfect mature girls at school who all had steady loving relationships at the age of 17 and went to a country house hotel once they were 18 to lose their virginity to their devoted boyfriend in a beautiful, loving, warm environment, instead of in a backpacking hostel with a waiter in Greece like most normal people. She has a lot of sex and it's always totally perfect. She always has orgasms because she is perfect and perfect people always have perfect sex. In fact, sometimes she says she gets bored having so many wonderful orgasms, and as she says it she looks at you with tender concern because she knows you're lucky if you get one a decade, despite fucking half the western world in the attempt. And that's when you fantasise about stabbing her eyeballs.

i wanna be the boy to break your mother's heart

breaking news! The Sun "can exclusively confirm rumours that Jack and Meg White were once husband and wife"! omg, this is the best journalistic reveal since the nicotine-fueled heydays of Woodward and Bernstein! also revealed in the paper today: The North defeated The South in the Civil War, brushing your teeth regularly will result in better breath and Trista Rehn is a megalomaniacal attention-craved ho bag!

TRUMPED! According to Drudge, "American Idol" laid the smackdown on "The Apprentice" last night. Simon and crew waxed NBC's pseudo-"hit" by pulling in double the audience share, 26 to 13. developing...

no matter how many blazin' reviews I read of the new Dizzee Rascal jawn, i'm not going to buy the record. it just seems like it's destined to be another one of those records that hardcore indie music fans will claim to LOVE but that actually turns out to be completely unlistenable. despite that fact, reading SF/J's perspective over at Slate is highly enjoyable.

The Grizz consults The Giors on how to throw the perfect Super Bowl Party in today's Detroit News.

listen up, Mr. Record Company Exec. TV is the new radio.

fuck yeah! according to Variety, all-time top five film director James Cameron will start shooting "a big-budget science-fiction film with a pile of special effects" later this year for 20th Century Fox. no title and no stars attached of yet, but this is guaranteed to be The Hottness.

according to JP McKrengels, this is what whatevs.org would be like if your Uncle Grambo:

1. Wasn't college educated

2. Worked as a Postal employee

3. Lived in South Texas

4. Loved NASCAR ("I'm a big Ford Fan")

5. Was a total douche bag

get your hands off of my woman, motherfucker!

imagine me behind those eyes, and then what did i see? i saw hips, i saw thighs. i saw secret positions that we never tried. i saw jealousy. in the Whirlwind of Best that was last week, somehow I totally spaced and forgot that Amanda Bynes was on "The Jimmy Kimmel Show" ... i must be losing my marbles! so when I clicked through to Amanda Bynes Now during lunch today, i became so outraged that i threw my PB+J up against my wall! i mean shmears, WTF is up w/Enrique Iglese-ASS droppin' kisses on my girl Amanda? whatsa matter, has Anna decided to move on and now you're trying to usurp all of your Uncle Grambo's buzz? eff that, Julio Jr., the Bynes is Mine! just wait til her appearance on tomorrow's "Regis" show, i'll show you who's got the key to her heart!

even TMFTML will admit that anal sex is, like, SO december `03. if you're really down with the kink, it's all about Victor the Proboscis Monkey. that schnozz puts Joe Camel and Real World San Diego's Brad to shame. shmears.

it's common knowledge that all journalists are whores but this NY Post reporter is taking matters a bit too far.

legendary Grosse Pointer and FOW Oliver Pangborn declared one of Chicago's premiere "Pick Up Artists" by an offshoot of The Trib ... what, no Dirty buzz?

file this one under Obvs: Spiers hearts Haypenny. i've still got my fingers crossed that my Midwestern charm registered favorably with her. buzz.

"Freaks & Geeks: Season 1" streets on April 6th ... so best! [via Beat Royalty]

if there was a Hall Of Fame for douchebags, this guy would be first-ballot shoo-in. Computer dork gets banned from The Sims for exposing a virtual teenage prostitution ring. this is just WAY too fuckin' geeky, even for a full-scale dork like me.

boys don't cry...

...except for Uncle Grambo after hearing this news! The Cure to headline Day 2 of this year's Coachella Festival. uh, can i get an Eff Yeah? thanks to J.Go for giving me all kindsa lowdown dirty insider Coachellies scoopage last Thursday at Bar13. if you're not in for this one, you blow.

Tommy Brady, such a Republican shill (upper left corner of the pic at rizz). dude, did you NOT go to school in Ann Arbor for 4 years? and did you NOT learn anything while you were there? for this and this alone I say "Go Panthers!"

i always knew that Nextel phones were for dirt asses (no offense, Peabs). Nextel inks huge deal to sponsor NASCAR. more like Neck-Car! the sub-story to this is that NASCAR officials decided not to renew their contract with Winston ... now what are all the necks gonna smizz at the track? i vote P-Funks!

are you a pothead, Focker? Dustin Hoffman inks deal to play Stiller's father in "Meet The Fockers", the sequel to the the smash hit "Meet The Parents" ... too bad Hoffman hasn't had buzz since the "Rain Man" days. can anyone say "phoning it in"?

your Uncle Grambo usually employs stealth mode when blog stalking hotties (except, of course, this particular cat's already been let out of the bizz). you see, what you want to do is just LURK, not compose eloquent posts about your idol of worship. but now that Ye Olde Haggis is, like, mega famous, the stalkers are coming out of the woodwork. allz i know is that BOOG Powell is gonna be pissed.

speaking of blog stalking, if there's anyone out there who's interested in stalking a guy who's "more Lloyd Dobler than Lloyd Dobler" (quoth Lindsay), you can read more about my weekend adventures in the big city here, here, here and here. HOTTNESS REVEALED!!!

You can't touch me, no you can't touch me. Try to charge me but I'm not guilty. I've got all of my mamis. Tell me.. what y'all want from me? Martha's not guilty!

It's Rolling Stones week over at Glamorama. wild horses couldn't stop me from clicking through.

move over Uggs, now there's something meatier! Steve Madden's Iglou boots are so hott that even J.Lo can't get a pair! but showing that she's still got it after all these years, Madge had some express shipped to her flat in the Land Of Rôti du Beufs.

i'll be wrapped around your finger

in a brutal race to beat Scott Stereogum¹ to the punch, i'm foregoing my usual nineteen paragraphs of gossip so this story can get out there. our gal Brit Brit showed up at London's Heathrow airport sporting (get this) a diamond ring on her wedding finger! after shelling out $500K for some George Costanza annulment buzz, i'm sure she figured that she deserved to keep the ring-o. she was also sporting a copy of the most played-out book evs, "Conversations With God" ... what, "Chicken Soup For The Coked-Up Sex Symbol's Soul" was all sold out at Heathrow's WH Smith? no buzz.

battle of the network milfs

what to do, what to do? last night there was a veritable frenzy of older-aged goodness on the telly. over on NBC during "The Tonight Show", you were presented with the option of Kelly Ripa and my secret celebrity GF Liz Phair. meanwhile, VH1 was showing their premiere episode of "Bands Reunited" with the alarmingly attractive Terri Nunn (of Berlin fame, natch). thanks to the miracle of the remote control, I was able to watch both with no probs whatsoevs. everyone who knows Uncle Grambo knows how much I heart Lizzie, so it was great to see her looking so cool and confidant during her performance of "Extraordinary" ... it was so tigs that I even forgave her for skipping Detroit on the next leg of her tour.

"smoking stinks." and by that, i really mean that "smoking rules." but when i say that "smoking rules", it should be plainly obvs that I mean "It rules to smoke cigarettes but it totally blows to use them as a fashion accessory, especially when you're as nastalicious as Kelly Hagborne." check out Stereogum and you'll see what i mizz.

memo to Jack White: glaring at the jurors isn't likely to win you any Innocent votes. we all know that you're a bad ass, but c'mon. [via MCR]

all kindsa hell broke out at the recent Kate Moss birthday bash. while the crowd wasn't A-List when compared to Lockhart Steele's, it's worth noting that Paul McCartney's daughters were engaged in a blazing row! and Sexy Sadie's tatt fell out of her dress! so many rizzies. obvs.

good lord, who are the ad wizards who thought that heroin chic would fit the apple-pie hottness of Katie Holmes? some say enough reason to cancel my scrip to I-D. [via Beat Royalty]

lessons learned whilst crawling through Yahoo Photos:

1. Even when you've got a nice rack, you gotta remember to work on the thighs.

2. In our celebrity obsessed culture, even dorky Average Joe outcasts are able to maintain wire buzz for weeks (months?) on end.

3. Even when you're a waitress, banging the photog who shows up at your bar is NEVER a bad idea.

momma, don't let your babies grow up to be bloggers

especially if they're learning how to blog by surfing on Earthlink. any site that references this monstrous creation as a "great" blog needs to be taken out back and put out of its misery. old yeller stizz. obvs.

The Obvs in `04 Campaign got off to a rousing start tonight as Peabs managed to usurp all of Dick Gephardt's buzz and sent Howard "Dizzy" Dean spiraling down into third place in the polls. but what really surprised me is that John Kerry has managed to outlive his infamous performance as the severed head in "Re-Animator"! who knew that the Cult Film Crowd had so much sway in the Iowa polls ... i say buzz.

and while we're on the topic of the campaign trail, is there anything more hilariously humiliating than the story in this weekend's NYT Magazine on the corporate leeches slash "pollsters" who ran Dick Gephardt's campaign into the ground? who knows how much Ed Reilly bilked out of the Gephardt war chest by weaving tales that compared politicians to brands of soda. hey Ed, cola wars are the most played out example of the power of marketing in the fucking history of marketing, bitch! i know Sergio Zyman, sir, and you are no Sergio Zyman. the only thing more durst was that fucking story about the lady who doesn't have any teeth. the plight of Wal-Mart workers is the last effing thing i want to read about in my Sunday Times. note to the staff over there: give us more book reviews by Ye Olde Haggis!

somebody get Damore on the horn and have him explain THIS bullshit to me: Minnie Driver Launches Music Career With Pete Yorn Assist. if i've ever read a headline with less buzz evs, i certainly cannot recall it.

calling all Mischa Barton toe fetishists ... let's get ready to rumble!

this totally deserves its own entry

today is a sad day, my fine feathered friends. the good fellows of Haypenny have decided to hang it up once and for all. believe me now and listen to me later when I tell you that this has absolutely no buzz whatsoevs. not only because the Haypenny crew is made up of some of the nicest folks you'll ever meet or because they represent an actual literary community based in Michigan (v. rare, trust me), but because THEY ACTUALLY DO GREAT WORK! fortunately for us readers, they totally blow a Holmes style wad here in their final issue. aside from great farewell pieces from the Editorial Staff (Matt Tobey, Dennis Proctor, Sam Forsyth and Paul Fisher), they also snagged some choice contributions from the positively lurvely Claire Zulkey and the legendary Darci Kittenpants.

at a time like this, I guess all that you can really say is "thanks for the memories" ... good luck to the entire Haypenny crew on their future endeavors. obvs.

uncle grambo, professional star fucker

holy shitbox. just got back from what turned out to be one of the all-time Best Weekends Evs in nyc. it was not only best evs because i spent about ten minutes of the trip sober, but mainly because the majority of the trip was surreal on a level that even fuckin' Fellini would be proud of. but, most importantly, because i met some truly remarkable people. being a native Midwesterner, you're born and bred with the idea that people on the coasts are total pretensh asshats. while your Uncle Grambo isn't here to entirely dissuade you of that fact (To the waitstaff at Cafe Habana: While your corn may be legendary, your service blows!), without hesitation I will tell you that the Blogger Community is effin tigs.

first and foremost, Lindsayism and Ultragrrrl are two of the most genuine and best ever people that you'll EVER meet. guaranteed. i don't care who you are or where you were raised, you would be hard pressed to come out with two people ANYWHERE who are as equally cool and nice as these two lovely lasses. promise.

and while I will likely gush at length about the weekend to anyone who wants to hear about it, i won't waste the time of The FOW Nation detailing my surreal experiences in print. except, of course, to mention that I FUCKING WATCHED THE OLSEN TWINS' "WHEN IN ROME" WITH SARAH ULTRAGRRRL, LINDSAY, TMFTML, MISS MODERNAGE, LIZZIE SPIERS, BRIAN IKEEPADIARY, CONNIE NYC AND MORE! un-effing-believable. here's a few selected snaps from your Uncle ... buzz.