to love is to bury

if that is the case, then evidently my job loves me like no other. pologies for leaving you hanging this morning. here are a few nuggs for youze to chew on.

looks like the Dream Cruise has ran out of gas. Welcome to Dumpsville Penelope Cruz, population: YOU! but the real WTF moment in this story is the fact that the dumping occured "at the end of January" ... nice work, Bonnie Fuller, way to be asleep at the wheel. two freakin' months and you got scooped by People? now would be a nice time to take a long, leisurely stroll off a short pier. bovs.

A University Of Michigan grad student will appear on the new installment of "Average Durst" ... howevs, I predict her chances to win at zero. Her name is Jennifer Lifshitz. More like Lifshitzthebed! Damn, even the name Kelly Jo Kuharski sounds positively feminine in comparison. [via Ann Arbor Is Overrated]

Gwynnie with bump, accompanied by some greasy extra from the set of "Boogie Nights" ... wait, that's Jude Law! greaseball-o-rama!

has Chuck D been listening to my phone calls? I just had this same conversation with The Grizz the other night! on his website, Public Enemy's MC extraordinaire wondered how "somebody gets top-notch producer credits for speeding up old records".

"Who shot Kennedy? Where are the weapons of mass destruction? And when's 'Chinese Democracy' coming out? Since it looks like we'll have answers to the first two questions before we hear anything definite about the third, now is as good a time as any for the release of Guns N' Roses' 'Greatest Hits' collection and to examine the legacy of one of rock's most mysterious bands." — The Grizz, from his top-notch intro to his review in today's Detroit News.

for every bonus point that The Snooze gets for having The Grizz on their staff, they lose about twelve for not having entertainment editors who understand anything about the local music scene. what, is your budget so tight that you couldn't send anyone to The Palace last night for the first of Kid Rock's three local stops? too bad, cuz you got scooped by The Freep's Brian McCollum once again. btw, Uncle Kracker was revealed! BEST!

"Obviously, unless they somehow signed the Von Bondies to play the infield, it would be hard for the Tigers to be much worse than last year." Will Leitch positively goes OFF in his preview of the 2004 MLB Season over at The Black Table. if you're even the very least bit interested in sports, this is ESSENTIAL reading. print it out (it's about 25 pages long) and enjoy it over the weekend, yo.

I'm glad to see that Charlize Theron is bucking the ANNOYING and egotistical notion that Oscar-winning actresses somehow shouldn't ever show their nips. Props out to South Africa and props out to my homegirl Charlie T!

attention NYC Gawker Stalkers: Kate Winslet is in town!

aw yeah, Mountain Dew Live Wire will be making a triumphant return during Summer 2004! some say the second best soda of Summer 2003, only exceeded by the hottness of Sprite Remix. limited edition sodas ... so hott. [via Nummer]

while it's bovs that Clive Davis is one badass record mogul, who knew that he had the executive power to put the kibosh on Robert DeNiro dating Whitney Houston back in the mid `80s? howevs, this begs the question of where the FOOK was Clive when whit Whit met Bobby Brizz?

happy birthday, baby

If there was ever an event in history that we should all look back on with fondness, it was the moment when Yahweh divinely realized that he had erred when creating the nymphette known as Natalie Portman. true, he blessed Miss Portman with beauty, grace and recockulous amounts of buzz, but it was the inner horndog and some REAL kind bud that made G-d think, "Hey, wouldn't she be EVEN finer if she was taller and thinner?" my friends, that day was March 26, 1985. let us celebrate our good fortune this evening with a moment of silence and copious amounts of kind bizz. bovs.

Keira Knightley. mmmBEST! so much effin' buzz revealed. Happy 19th, sweetums!

EXCLUSIVE SCOOP!

after hearing a rumour about Choire Gawker potentially appearing on the Howard Stern Show, I decided to go straight to the source to confirm the rumour (after going to press with it first, natch). in a quote that is ON the record, here is Choire's official response to the allegations:

"how hilarious. shit, i wouldn't last five seconds on Stern's show. i'd break like a little girl the second some midget farted in my face!" — Choire Sicha

and there you have it, my fine feathered friends! the rumour is false (though OBVS it would've been better had it actually been true). you can take that one to the bank, YO!

all blog news, all the time. in a move that stunned the blogging community this morning, Lindsay Lindsayism unleashed a redesign of her site that is the hottest thing since William Orbit's production work on "Pure Shores" (All Saints reset, natch)!!! some say the hottest blog redesign evs, complete with a smokin' photo of Kirsten Dunst Miss Thang herself!

there's a war brewing in Blogville™ between So Sayeth The Peabs and The Filthy Celebrity Impostor. Filthy struck the first blow yesterday when he deemed himself a "national treasure" and declared Peabs to be a "substandard imitation" of his persona. ever vigilant on keeping tabs of his referral traffic, Peabs cracked back today with the following gem: "National treasure? Are you effing SIDS? Filthy, until you give Greta Garbo a fucking fisherman's basket, Peabs remains the true 'national treasure.' Schmobvs." developing!

as mentioned in this very spot yesterday, March 24th marked the launch of the HIGHLY anticipated DwinkersWinkers, described by preview audiences as a "cross between whatevs.org, The Onion and HomestarRunner" ... put 'em in a bodybag, Johnny! the first week's edition featured buzz such as "In Praise Of Summer Roberts", a tribute to John "Spider" Salley and the soon-to-be legendary pre and post-show "O.C. No Buzz List" ... bookmark this one RIGHT away.

you know that you're a true blog supastar when you frickin scoop The O.C. Fan on "The O.C." related scoopage. and who was that scooper? snatch. [via Jen Daily Refill]

okay, enough with the Blog Dish for now. i've got some non-blog related PHC to fill up your starving mizz. bovs.

• Frank Darabont will take over the writing duties from Robert Towne on the long-delayed "Mission: Impossible 3". this movie is gonna blow donkey dick, Dirk Diggler stizz. aside from numerous delays, David Fincher abandoned the project. buzzless Joe Carnahan ("Narc" was best, but that was like eight years ago!) will now take the reins. some say durst.

• Van Halen to tour this summer, but who's going to sing? All signs seem to be pointing towards Hagar, but wouldn't it be tigs to see Richard Ashcroft up there instead?

• maybe it's just your Uncle Grambo, but doesn't Courtney Hole look kinda hott in this photo?

• even though her Graduation Day speech for MSU's Class of 1996 pretty much sucked eggs, I still proclaim Helen Thomas to be worthy of Buzz. what the Bush administration and press corps has done to her is unforgivable, what a bunch of effing douchenozzles. [via Romenesko]

• S/FJ on Norah Jones in The New Yorker: "It may smell like sandalwood and your dad may give it to you for Christmas, but Jones’s music is one big booty call."

• anyone up for a roadie to Montreal? according to The Village Voice, Richie Hawtin will be doing his first Plastikman live show in nine years during June's Montreal Mutek festival. mmmmBEST!

awesome, baby!

with a capital "A", baby! the diaper dandies who wear the Maize and Blue are going to the Final Four, baby! what a bunch of PTPers, draining the threes and polishing the Windex, baby! so what if it's only the NIT, baby? we're going to The Garden, baby!

you know, I've said a lot of shit over the years about Brian McCollum. howevs, I'm starting to reconsider my position on him. as an individual, there's no doubt in my mind that he's still a total D-Face. but some of his recent work in The Freep has been VERY stellar. after initially dogging his epic piece on Bob Seger, I revisited the piece and found it to be, quite frankly, amazing. and I really like the angle that he takes in today's interview with Kid Rock; instead of rehashing the same ole stuff, he uniquely localizes the story by focusing on Kid Rock's rise to fame through the venues that he's played. from The Majestic to The State Theatre to somewhere called The Bear's Den, McCollum traces the evolution of Rock's live performances on the eve of his three big hometown shows. mos def some major buzz.

nice beaver. thanks, i recently had it stuffed!

Damon Albarn. he even looks cool when he's dressed like a 55-year old divorcee from Birmingham. sweatpants? collared shirts? some say major effing buzz.

if there was any doubt before, there won't be any doubt going forward. Brit Brit's sporting some nip ring hottness. SO revealed. [NSFW and via Gossiplist]

congratu-fuckin-lations goes out to Choire Sicha (Gawker, NY Observer) in what should DEFINITELY be considered the pinnacle moment in the history of blogging. Choire is going to do an interview on the Howard Stern show!!! SO FUCKING BEST! congrats, yo. just don't go all A.J. Benza while you're there, k? [via Beat Royalty]

YEAH! Urrsher tracking to sell over 900K copies of his new album, at least according to Hits Daily Double. Usher. popular. who knew? must've been that role in "The Faculty" ... some say Jon Stewart's finest moment.

lunchtime buzz

fucksticks and shitfire, shit is blowin' UP this morning. this PHC was collected and composed on my lunchtime break back at Virginia Strizz, so apologies for the brevity:

• goodness gracious, y'all! did you SEE my homegirl Amy Adams tear shit UP last night on "American Idol"? i was so moved by the perf that i texted like five different people asking if they were watching ... sadly, none were. Adams dropped a performance chockfulla buzzed out hottness onto an audience thirsting for someone to cheer for; the audiences and judges responded in turn with praise. and while Adams just doesn't have what it takes to be considered a full-fledged hottie, she successfully ratcheted up the "sexy" factor with her outfit last night. good show, yo.
  

• the only thing hotter than "Idol" last night was VH-1's "You Rock With Poison" ... the concept of this show is GENIUS! take musically-inclined fans of a band and let them compete for the chance to get on stage with their idols. can you say BEST EVS? i almost cried with happiness last night when the winner got onstage and got all CC DeVille on the solo of "Nothing But A Good Time", for reals. in addish, I realized during that glorious thirty minutes last night that hair metal and reality television are the best combination since Damon and Justine.
  

• X-Tina engaged?
  

• so what if it's the NIT? i still say Go Blue!
  

• Liz Phair vs. SXSW [via Largehearted Boy]
  

• never quit quitting, that's why I say. apparently Whitney Houston feels the same way, cuz she just ditched out of rehab five days into her stay. can you imagine the number of celebratory rails that are gonna be bumped at the Houston / Brown establishment this eve?
  

• 1115.org takes on Peabs and the "Obvs in `04" Campaign. legendary.
  

• just launched! Dwinkerswinkers.com!

adagio for anorexics

nothing kills the adrenaline rush you get from a post-bulimic puke faster than hearing fucking J-Kwon getting tipsy or that scary goth chick from Evanescence moaning about immortality on the radio, yo. trust me on this one. after a particularily rough experience in the corporate washroom today at lunch, i'm pleased to announce that someone is FINALLY doing something about it. and who better than lusty Princess Of Purge, Mischa Barfin, to tackle the issue? check out her recently posted celebrity playlist in the iTunes Music Store! and what do you know, OutKast's "Hey Ya!" made the list ... I'm going to have to download that one, I've got a feeling it's gonna break break on through and become a crossover smash any day now!

and shmears, how about the inclusion of "Under My Thumb" ... more like "Under My Toilet"! and who can ever forget when your Uncle Grambo's Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity brothers transformed "Dancing With Myself" to "Ralphing On Myself" after an embarrassing incident at the Omega Mu date party? some say there hasn't been anything this inspirational since Big Fun's "Suicide ... Don't Do It!" mmmBLECH!

100% CTR

anyone who knows anything about journalism or marketing knows all about the power of headlines. it is with this knowledge that I declare that Slate must've recently hired someone from the 99.99th percentile of J-School Headline Wizards ... how else do you explain this? "Why Girls Go Wild For GIRLS GONE WILD." mmmmBEST!

will the new Madge tour take a cue from the recent setlists by fellow `80s stalwart Prince and focus primarily on the classics? The NY Daily News opines on that thought. as much as your Uncle Grambo enjoyed the Drowned World Tour, I would gladly shell out another 300 large if I knew that Madge would rock the old pajammy jamz.

although this is genius, this is still hotter. YPR = best. (3:07 PM UPDATE: The YPR crew garnered the attention of The Village Voice with this parody of TMFTML. while the article's author, Cynthia Cotts, goes on to mention other parodies that the trio have crafted, their creation of whatfore (dot org) — not to mention your Uncle Grambo — GETS COMPLETELY DISSED! damn you, Village Voice!)

just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! after their initial ditchtastic diss, "Real World: Philadelphia" is back on like the proverbial Dadonkda-Donkey Kong. man, I think that Jon Murray must still be reeling from the death of Mary Ellis-Bunim a few months back ... doesn't he remember the atrocity that was "RW: Beantown"? man, I guarantee that "RW: Detroit" would have WAY more buzz than "RW: Philly Cream Cheesesteak Worst Ever." Philly ... some say less buzz than Boise. [via The Grizz]

wake me when it's over. New Beasties record to drop in June. let's hope that anti-Iraq crackback from last year makes the record ... NOT!*

Gorilla, I beg to differ. it's clear that Stern hasn't been reading Peabs ENOUGH. otherwise, he'd know that THIS isn't really a blumpkin. i see no mention of a crowbar. maybe Peabs and Coz will address this injustice to the lasting memory of Bilbo Blumpkin whilst on the campaign treezy...

on a related note, Coach Glinka and your Uncle Grambo drafted Alex "Dirty" Sanchez for our fantasy baseball team. snatch.

my brackets, my brackets!

like the rest of Western Civilization, my brackets are totally effed in the goat ass. truth be told, I was out at 2pm on Thursday afternoon in The Information Leafblower Pool (god damn Florida!), and I'm equally ephed in my other pools. durst. i knew I should've stuck with the SICK game of Mr. Peanut ... have you seen when he drops that badonkadunkulous ankle breaker on the Duke Blue Devil mascot in that new Planters commersh? and then when the Syracuse Orangeman alley oops to my boy Peanut? SEND IT IN, JEROME!

score another one for The Freep, as this Sunday's paper featured an exclusive op-ed piece by none other than Gerald Boyd. you may recall Boyd as one of the two bigwigs at The New York Times who took a fall when the whole Jayson Blair scandal broke; I believe this is his first public reaction to the cokehead dwarf's new memoir. buzz!

the subject of today's Gothamist Interview is none other than Miss Lindsay Lindsayism (Miss Robertson, if yr nasty). i first became aware of Miss Lindsay when she dropped her phenomenally BEST "Joe Millionaire" recaps on Flak (even after all these months, STILL funny), and I had the good fortune of meeting up with her during my last voyage to NYC. one of the best all-around peeps out there these days, trust you me. buzz.

ooooooh SNAP, now it's on, bitch! how you EVEN gonna step to this? whut WHUT!

i know this news is like SO yesterday, but I just HAD to reset this Kurt Loder vs. Courtney Love interview from MTV.com yesterday. mainly because it's really sad to see how far both have fallen. Kurt used to be the only guy in the whole world who could hold court with Madge, and now he has to resort to bashing Hole's "Celebrity Skin" LP ("a Bangles album without the tunes, I thought"). and Courtney ... well, she's just Courtney. obvs, she name drops Cameron Crowe and that's pretty much her M.O. these days. that and being even more OOC than your Uncle Grambo was in Chi-Town this wknd. shmears.

speaking of Cameron Crowe, it looks like he's finally got around to replacing the part he originally cast with Ashton Kutcher in the upcoming "Elizabethtown" ... watch the sparks fly as Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst get all romantically comedic up in that piece. speaking of Kutcher, whatever happened to that dude and the sickening amount of buzz he had as recently as Sundance? somewhere, Josh Hartnett is plotting his comeback.

i can't think of any reason to disagree with the assertion that Jessica Simpson is currently leading the pack as the most fashion forward celebrity. she's even got Scarlett Johansson faced!

some say best DVD since Pavement's "Slow Century" ... Pitchfork reports on the insane best everness of the upcoming Galaxie 500 DVD set.

i leave you for now with a photo from the insanity at The Fieldhouse this weekend. from left to rizz: Malbersblows, The Clizzark, Pat The Owner, Coach Glinka, Uncle Grambo. don't even ask me what the eff I'm doing with that pose, i blame Jagermeister. IOUSLY!

swampy swamperson