18!

history lesson for all the FOWs, yo. although my unbridled love for Amanda Bynes is well documented throughout The Blogosphere™, did you know that things between us actually started out on the rocky side? yes indeed, it all began with a diss ...

"who is [Amanda Bynes], anyway? and why does she get her own movie? and why is it named after an X-Tina song? is it just me or does this girl have no buzz? i predict that 'W.A.G.W' will make 'Agent Cody Banks' look like 'Titanic' at the box office."

wow, has the old saying that "where once I was blind, now I can see" ever held more meaning? amazing grace, indeed. after taking the time to watch "WAGW" and doing my background research, Bynes was revealed as both a hottie and gifted comedienne! and although she has been trumped by the likes of Duff and Lohan of late, I think that Bynes has the chops to last in this business for years and years to come. some say the second coming of Jennifer Aniston!

anyway, i would just like to take this opportunity to wish the happiest of happy birthdays to Bynes. SO BEST! obvs.

bowlegged buzz vs. sexbomb madness

while there's no doubt in your Uncle Grambo's mind that Jessica "Oh My Gaw" Simpson has taken over Brit Brit's perch as the Sexxxiest Singing Starlet, someone's gotta hook my girl up with some better fashion advice! while I admire the desire to put the tasty rack up front and center, someone's gotta instruct J. Simps not to reveal anymore backlit bowlegged buzz. and while we're on the subject of tasty racks, Lindsay took the time this morning to reveal Tina Fey cleavs ... who knew? DEVELOPING!

drowning in a sea of buzz

no matter where you are, i still can still hear you when you drown. you see, the problem with being out of the blog game for the last 36 hours is that the buzz just don't stop. in my little index of hottness that i keep in my Draft folder of Outlook, i count 27 items that are worth posting about. but since my morning was squandered in a meeting with Legal, your Uncle Grambo is going to pick a choose a few nuggs that are tastier than the rest.

let's see, if we're going to start out with the hottness, it's only obvs that your Uncle Grambo starts off with a few things about your Uncle Grambo. yesterday there was a smorgasbord of Uncle buzz running around the internet, none of it positive. a reader reported that someone was impersonating me over in Eurotrash's comments section. and i quote, "113: wow, so much buzzzz in this hizzie!!! where's my lizzie?? gone lezzie? this is mmmmBestiality. like teenage tit freaks, in slooooo-mo. blobvs. Posted by Uncle Gaybo at 7:51 am on 03.31.04" ... blogga, PLEASE! imitation blah blah blah. while that was no bigs, the one two punch of that and the release of the Blogger A-List sent me reeling. it included the following entry on Grambo, Uncle:

"Only enjoys sex while gagged and/or blindfolded, and to the music of Air Supply. Obvs. B______. Double obvs. Iously. Linked with Tony Kornheiser, Ron LeFlore, Amy Sedaris, Bob Seger, Fantasia Barrone, and Winona Ryder."

just to clear a few things up out there, the last time I was linked with Ron LeFlore was at the beginning of the month when we knocked over the first stand-alone Krispy Kreme location in the UK. and that wasn't Fantasia that the 'razzi caught me snogging the other nizz, that was Jennifer Hudson. but other than that, I salute C. Monks for putting together an accurate Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Blogger. paraphrased Joyce resets ... the hottness.

to quote Anup Popat, "Banners On The Wall, Baby!" The Wolverine squad put the hurt on Rutgers last night to take home the NIT Championship. your Uncle Grambo would argue that missing March Madness was the best thing that could've happened to Tommy Amaker's program, as this post-season run allowed the team to come together and set the table for a dynamo performance next year. the tourney was especially huge for Daniel Horton; he was able to lead the team and consistently display the talent that Michigan fans glimpsed during his freshman campaign. big buzz, yo.

maybe it's just me, but does anyone else get the sense that E!'s Fashion Police are on the take? how else do you explain giving one pair of sunglasses to Gwynnie for her leggomypreggohottness and then awarding Tyra Banks four sunglasses for squeezing in that trashy, rusty, barfalicious dress? no buzz.

oh my gaw. most overrused pun evs? according to Google, no less than 84 print outlets used a headline that was framed around "D'oh" for yesterday's story that the cast of "The Simpsons" are holding out for more money. no telling how many TV outlets used this lame pun, but I also heard it on CNN and Detroit's Fox affiliate last night. durst.

i didn't get around to it yesterday, but I'd like to wish a fond farewell to my girl Amy Adams, booted off "Idol" on Wednesday night. for more buzz on who will be the next to get axed from the competition, check out The Spoonbender.

should Tom Cruise start dating Robin Quivers? Someone at The NY Daily News thinks so!

read this article and i can bet that at least a few of you will do exactly what I did, which is to immediately subscribe to Tracks magazine. while I wasn't really feeling the first issue, I picked up the new issue during a Tower run last night. the editorial touch and wisdom of Alan Light (formerly of Spin) is immediately tangible and "on the page" (as they say in the bizz). the combination of good editorial content and a good story (little guys vs. evil corporate conglomerates) = immediate subscription. some say best. [via Romenesko]

it becomes more and more apparent each day that Chris Martin has an anger management problem. maybe he and Jack Whizz should work on a collaboration?

snl season 29 ... REVEALED!

with every passing week, your Uncle Grambo gets more and more concerned with the mental health of the person charged with booking Saturday Night Live's musical guests. while this season has not been lacking in starpower (Brit Brit, Trousersnake, Norah Jones, et al), whatever happened to the SNL of yore where eccentric and left-field musical guests were the standard? well if you're stationed in that camp with me, you'll be excited to see the performance of Toots And The Motherfucking Mayalls on this weekend's Donald Trump hosted episode. i mean, come ON, "Pressure Drop"? one of the best all-time reggae joints, natch. but I'm concerned that my boy Toots is rolling out on stage with, of all people, THE ROOTS! gasp, so durst it's not even funns ... this episode went from must-see to must-miss in one fell swoop.

but don't take my word for it, Nummer and H-Bomb are representin' with their world-renowned SNL Pre-Show Comments...

NUMMER	H-BOMB
Episode 16: Donald Trump / Toots and the Mayalls (4/3/04)
This will be a very interesting SNL. On one hand, you have Donald Trump - a man who Hammond has been spoofing like mad lately. On the other hand, you have some kind of musical ensemble piece attempting to cram as many people on stage as possible (why not just book The Funk Brothers?). Basically, this show could sink or swin...and neither outcome would honestly surprise me. I'm actually not expecting much out of Trump. I have a feeling he's not going to take the hosting responsibilities all that seriously. I do expect him to bring some energy to the show though. Let's just hope they keep the sketches where a cast member plays Trump to a minimum. That idea is getting played out! As for the Toots? They are a reggae band that started out in the 1960's. I'm pretty sure some of the original members are gone, hence the Bootsy and Roots addition. At one point this week, there were rumors Jack Johnson and Ben Harper were also going to be involved. Time will tell. Look for Sanz to mention his NYC bar incident as well. I'm sure this will most likely be on Weekend Update - no doubt with Fallon cracking up (since he was reportably at the bar with Sanz).	Trump and Toots....what a combination!!! I'm not a real big fan of "The Apprentice," nor have I ever even closely followed Trump's career, but I have to say that "The Onionloaf" jokes from a few episodes back definitely had me laughing. Who knows if Trump himself will even come close to that kind of humor (I doubt it), but his hosting this week just might be crazy enough to work. As long as ALL the sketches don't revolve around "You're Fired," I'd bet dollars for donuts they might just get away with a decent show. I had NEVER heard of Toots and the Mayalls until last Sunday, so I really don't have much by way of comment. I'm sure it will be amusing in an absurdly ridiculous sort of way.

in extra bonus coverage from Nummer and H-Bomb, here are the official Coney Counts of this year's episodes!

i am SO getting effed in the proverbial a

worst. work. day. ever. been here since 6:30am and i'm paddling through the Class D rated rapids of Shit Creek as I type. unfortch, your Uncle Grambo won't be able to deliver any PHC until later tonight, post-"Hellboy" screening stizz. thousands of apologies, yo. until then, I leave you with this photo of Nummer (Navarro), GKVibe (Chris Chaney), Uncle Grambo (Perry!) and The Grizz (S. Perkins) in our famed recreation of the Jane's Addiction "Strays" album jacket from last summer's epic Damore-A-Palooza bash. bovs.

is that lowfat or 2% you're serving over there?

so i roll up to the local Panera for a quick bite to eat at lunch, right? i walk through the doors without a care in the world, with the lone exception of my internal debate as to whether I should order the Bacon Turkey Bravo (the old standby) or the Pepperblue Steak Sandwich (brand new!). so i searched around the restaurant for inspiration when, all of a sudden, BAM! there, by the fountain soda machine, i see an exposed tatt with some toddler motherfucker gettin' all Kofi Asare up in this piece! i was all like "Gag me with a spizz", for some decidely un-MILFy cow revealed breastfeeding anti-buzz in MY Panera. c'mon now, shouldn't there be some kind of law that outlaws milk-sucklage in my local sandwich shop of choice? i had half a mind to walk up to that Jabba The Tatt buzz and say, "You better put those tees away unless you want me to bovs all over 'em, yo" ... but then I thought better of it and just shut the eff up and ordered my Pepperblue Steak Sandwich with disgust. i even decided to forego ordering the large Pepsi that usually accompanies my meals at Panera because she was too close to the soda fountain ... NO BUZZ! blogga PLEASE!

thank Hay-Seuss for Bonnie Fuller, I need something to distract me from that hellacious experience. So anyhoo Bonnie, if you want the simpler answer, it's "No, not unless N just grew a D™!" shmears.

YYY-YEAH! Urrrrsher gets fookin' medieval on this week's Billboard charts and moves nearly 1.1 million copies of his new jawn. uh, that debut is positively HUGE ... biggest sales week EVER for a male R&B artist! Cruise on over to Coolfer for a complete breakdown of this week's Billboard buzz.

Simon Cowell ... the new William Shatner?

"SOME GOOD POSSIBLE NAMES FOR AN EMO BAND, INSPIRED BY THE 1986 MOTION PICTURE FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF". Yankee Pot Roast, obvs. so hott.

short, sweet and sneet

only fifteen free minutes today, enjoy it while you can (bullet stizz for reasons that are obvs):

• after dodging the press and the `razzi for months, your Uncle Grambo finally decided that it was time to sit down for a full-fledged interview. Dwinkers Winkers gets a look at the man, the myth and the legend that is Uncle Grambo. buzz.

• hotter than "Free Winona"? [via Motor City Rocks]

• Horatio Sanz as you've never seen him before: fat, drunk and beating up chicks. well, um, er ... I guess maybe we've all seen him fat and drunk before, but the "beating up chicks" part is new, innit?

• The NY Post spots Vin Baker partying with Mariah and Treach at Dorsia. man, I give Vin Baker another two weeks before he falls off the wagon for the 37,000th time. NYC and sobriety aren't necessarily a match made in heaven, yo.

• The Sun takes an extensive look at how Britney is turning into Madonna.

• Neal Pollack makes a triumphant return to The Blogosphere™.

holy racktastic leggo my preggo buzz

sweet jesus h. chreesto on a popsicle stick, has there ever been a more milfalicious milfy milferson than Gwynnie Paltrizz? methinks the answer to that question is no. hott momma alert! Sho West? Sho `Nuff!

you can feel my lips undress your eyes

unless you're Damore, that is. the world's most bitter smoker unleashes a shitstorm of Franz Ferdinand haterade in this week's "No Buzz List" over at Retrobuzz:

"1.) franz ferdinand- wtf is this shite? after seeing this band cause multiple orgasms all-over nyc blogs, i decided to see what all the fuss was about. i picked up their self-titled lp debut a couple day's ago. i didn't even make it past 30 seconds into the 4th track, matinee(?) before flinging this ephing back-alley abortion of a cd out the window of my moving car going 75 on i-94."

so best! except not even one-tenth as best as the hottest new teen sensation, Brooke Hogan. this multi-talented sixteen year old can sing, dance and act circles around the likes of Hilary Duff ... even better, her dad is Hulk Hogan! i don't know about you, but I'm going to quit my job later this afternoon and begin focusing ALL of my energy on developing a kickass remake script of "She's Out Of Control"! if there's anyone who can out Tony Danza Tony Danza, it's Hulk Motherfucking Hogan. obvs.

Jack Black cast in Peter Jackson's remake of "King Kong"!!! will Rage Kage cameo? buzz! [via Nummer]

this pretty much ruins my year. Dr. Dre scraps highly anticipated new concept album.

Dark Horizons reported that Philip Seymour Hoffman will play the villain in the upcoming "Mission: Impossible III." worst! yet somehow best! i don't know, yo ... your Uncle Grambo is torn. on the one hand, Philip Seymour Hoffman's best everness is only exceeded by Philip Baker Best Ever's best everness, yet I can't help but feeling the casting of PSH as a villian is kinda durst. worst villian since Begbie in that awful "Bond" jawn? [via Nummer]

order up a few kegs of Buzz Cola for this DVD release. "Flirting With Disaster: Miramax Collectors Series" streets on June 1.

new sidekick for The Grizz?

JFK Jr sex tape? hopefully he's bangin' SJP in it!

some say the best entry at Cannes since "Pulp Fiction" ... James Toback's new flick, "When Will I Be Loved?", to premiere on the Riviera. the Palme d'Or is so hott. or should I say "chaud"?

blogga, PLEASE!

best new catchphrase evs, courtesy of UltraOlsen. i'm totally going to start incorporating it into everyday speech. some say best new catchphrase of `04!

moving on, this one is WAY more "Bitch, PLEASE!" than "Blogga, PLEASE!" has there EVER been a worse album title than "Honkin On Bobo", the new Aerosmith jawn that streets today? fuck ewe, yo. so effing durst.

Onyx Hotel ... some say best evs. so many masturbation resets, so much simulated box-munching, so much pink lingerie! can't wait for the viewing party at Seanté and Jen-Bo's on Friday night! even better, it sounds like I might be getting hooked up with some supafly tix for the rescheduled April 14 show at The Palace! mmmmmBESTEVSDOTORGOBVS!

tonight's the night to confirm whether Gideon Yago is the next Tabitha Soren or the next Serena Altschul, yo. Yago is the moderator for tonight's "Choose Or Lose: 20 Million Questions For John Kerry" special on MTV. for some odd reason, The Heff chooses to ignore that subject entirely in today's NYT, instead focusing on laying out spoilers and composing an article based on the show's transcripts. no buzz for The Heff, although as a hottie, she's still near and dear to my heart. obvs.

when it comes to discovering new bands, I'm not sure that I know anyone else as cutting edge as Kegzies. and while there have been some notable misfires through the years (hello, Libertines!), his recommendations of bands such as The Delays, Sea Ray and Mew have more than made up for the occasional bomb of durstosity. and now he's jockin' The Boxer Rebellion, a band that like based on name alone. maybe it's because I loved that "BtVS" ("Fool For Love") where Spike, Dru and Angel went back and kicked some Slayer arse, Boxer Rebbs stizz. but mainly it's because their MP3 sounds hott. kudos to Kegzies, snatch.

some say this is a must purchase. especially if your last name is Nummer. bovs.

note to the Female FOWs: these shoes are the hottness. added bonus? designed by Ally Hilfiger ... UNTZ!

Jessica Blueprint in da club. drinks with Felix da Housecat and confrontations with Nick Lachey ensue. BEST!

although voting is closed, your Uncle Grambo still recommends a click-through to view the voting results of the Greatest Detroit Piston Of All-Time. obvs, the winner was Zeke. if we were voting for "favorite" Piston evs, my vote would go to The Microwave (my best airport encounter evs, btw).

love is only a feeling

march 28th, 2004. some say a day that will live in our minds forevs, for March 28th was the day that The Darkness¹ finally made their majestic descent into Oakland County. the sold-out crowd of well over 2,000 people at Clutch Cargo's last night were blessed with a rock show the likes of which haven't been seen since Def Leppard's drummer had two arms. The FOW Nation represented HARDCORE last night, as there was a crowd of at least twenty of us partying harder than Andrew WK. full disclosure: your Uncle Grambo isn't really that big of a fan of the band or their music. that being said, I was BLOWN away by the pure showmanship and energy that the foursome put on display last night. the manic energy of Justin Hawkins and crew was entirely reciprocated by one of the more enthusiastic crowds I've seen in a long, long time. and when Justin magically travelled through the crowd while absolutely SHREDDING a guitar solo during the encore, I became a full-fledged fan of the band. call them jokes, call them ironic, call them whatever ... just don't call them untalented. these guys have PRESENCE and it's only a matter of time before they totally take over the United States. mmmmBEST!

is Roger Ebert asleep at the wheel? in reading his review of "Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed", I came across the following sentence: "Seth Green, continuing his rehabilitation after 'Freddy Got Fingered,' is funny as the museum curator." uh, Roger, check your IMDB much? that wasn't Seth Green in "Freddy Got Fingered", that was TOM Green!² isn't it your job to know these things and / or shouldn't there be an editor at The Sun-Times who's fact-checking your work? aside from the rest of the review being tired and uninspiring, this is a MAJOR gaffe for a film critic of this magnitude.

who knew? Howie Day is an aspiring Rick James! kidnapping is indeed the hottness these days. [via Buddis Lembeck and Steve Codebreaker]

bad idea jeans. Ricky Gervais wants to remake "The Office" as a Broadway play. great show, terrible concept.

while we're on the topic of Broadway, famed "Inside The Actors Studio" suck-up James Lipton is preparing to take "Sherry" onto the stage, a play he wrote in (get this) 1967!!! dude, are you for reals? the only "Sherry" remake I want to see is The Darkness covering Steve Perry's 1984 landmark, "Oh Sherry" ... obvs!

is it just me or does anyone else feel like The NYT got PLAYED with their big feature on Parkour yesterday? for those that aren't in the know, Parkour is simply a fancy French way of describing freestyle walking, yo. this article instantly recalls the infamous "Lexicon Of Grunge" debaucle, in which the Old Gray Lady was duped big-time by a snarky Sub Pop employee.

howevs, big ups to the Paper Of Record™ and specifically Rob Walker for including an article on Sprite ReMix in this week's magazine. howevs, soda pop enthusiasts such as myself were SHOCKED to learn that Sprite will soon be changing the beverage's flavor! according to Sprite brand guru Rob Stone, "With kids today, things change so quickly, it really does tie back to developing a brand that's about change ... it's the whole image of ReMix.'' with that being said, Sprite ReMix's new flavor is called Berryclear. BEST!

The nation of Ireland bans smoking in the workplace. say WHAT? people actually smoke at work ... like, at their desks? BEST! how much better would it be if you could fire up a P-Funk at yr desk while jamming on Powerpoint presentation? super hottness. oh well, looks like I won't be moving to Ireland anytime soon.