rebecca loos walks into a bar...

...bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?" hilarity ensues. trust me on this one.

no really, the current controversy of whether or not Becks banged Loos is the biggest story to hit the UK since the last time Princess Di spent a night in Paris. last night, Miss Loos was interviewed on the British Sky One Network, drawing record ratings for the channel (although it was trounced in the ratings by the all-powerful News at Ten on BBC One). in the interview, she was quoted as saying "I felt like a whore, I felt really cheap, I felt used" after she was bent over by Beckham. well no shite, ho bag, what else did you expect, you bloody cow? you're the "other woman" and the dude you're sleeping with is the most famous guy in England! and his wife was one of the Spice Girls FCS! durst. bovs.

that's what I like about the ex-girlfriends of Tom Cruise ... I get older, they stay the same age. Matthew McConaughey is DEFINITELY hittin' them Penelope Cruz skins. that's my boy, abre los ojos indeed!

i can see this post developing into an exclusive who's-banging-who rundown. despite many rumours saying their relationship is off, I bet you a giant bag of Cracker Jacks that Jigga is still tappin' my girl B. they were spotted at the Knicks game last night. HOLLA!

proving that there's nothing like banging Lloyd Dobler after your husband dumps you, Rebecca Romijn is banging Lloyd Dobler after her husband dumped her. man, I always knew that Cusack was a pimp, but who knew he was a muthafuckin' P.I.M.P.? according to my calculations, he's gotten horizontizz with both Britney AND Rebecca within the last six months. so best.

as an anti-dote to all this banging buzz, I tell you who ISN'T banging these days ... porn stars! the HIV has reared its ugly head in The Valley and two p-no stars have been positively diagnosed. consquently, a lot of name performers (like TT Boy!) are being quarantined for 60 days. you know news like this has hit the big time when it's the lead story on DRUDGE!!!

about effing time!

a few days ago, i read an advance review of Roger Ebert's "Kill Bill Volume 2" review to me. the review was RIFE was structural errors about key moments of the film, but it looks like someone on the Sun-Times editorial staff has got our boy Ebert's back. most of the errors have been cleaned up, although an error which confuses The Bride with Elle Driver made the final publication. both The Freep's Terry Lawson and The Snooze's Tom Long loved the movie, and Tom even went as far as to give it an A+.

while my verdict on the film is still out, I can most certainly confirm to you that it's not a four-star movie. i didn't hate it as much as Dave Poland, but then again, Dave Poland exists in some sort of Bizarro universe in which the rules of the real world don't ever really seem to apply (he predicted that "The Rundown" would be a bigger hit than "48 Hours", thought "Solaris" would make $100 mills and jazzed all over "The Matrix Revolutions" like it was fucking "Blue Crush" or something). the review I read that's closest to my own thoughts on the film comes from The Village Voice's J. Hoberman. mildly praiseworthy, but also skeptical of parts. regardless, your Uncle certainly recommends seeing the film this wknd, but I won't promise that you'll do backflips when the credits roll to a close.

friday in The D™

be there or be durst. crunching on a deadline to finish a PPT presentation by noon, there will be generous amounts of PHC to follow this afternoon ... promise.

what's practical? what's logical?

what the hell who cares! Brit Brit stormed into The D™ last night for her overwhelmingly raunchy Onyx Hotel concert. while the highlight was certainly downing 40s in the parking lot with Damore and Seantizz, there were lots of memorable moments. unfortch for you, I don't have the time to commit them to paper just yet. maybe at lunch. but until then, you can read The Grizz's review in today's Detroit News or Brian McCollum's hatchet job in today's Freep. McCollum PLEASE! i didn't see any crying kids in the concourses, I'm pretty sure you made that up. douchenozzle.

taste of the poison paradise

t-minus four hours until check-in time at The Onyx Hotel. that's right bitches, your Uncle Grambo will be making the trek to the Palace Of Auburn Hills this evening to catch the travelling Brit Brit circus. it's sure to be a buzztastic evening, as Damore, Seantizz, Jen-Bo and The Grizz are confirmed attendees. since you've all seen the Showtime special by now, a review of the evening's festivities likely WON'T be forthcoming (that and the fact that strippers stole my digital camera!!!). howevs, if there's any breaking nip slip hottness from the show, you know I'll have the scoopage.

hey Detroit News, nice fricking features section. maybe I'm mistaken, but don't you have actual entertainment writers on your staff? if so, why are you running a wire story on William Hung today? your overall lack of editorial appeal is making me thirsty.

oh, and btw, you got scooped by The Freep on this story. CuJo to start Game 5 on Thursday night in goal for the Red Wings. the Wings have looked positively atrocious the last three games, especially Darian Hatcherblows. but memo to Dave Lewis, it's not Manny Legace that cost you games 3 and 4 in Memphis, it was your anemic offense. i got a better idea, pull that fucking slowass jagoff Ray Whitney out of the lineup, move Matthew Dandenault up to forward and get Jason Woolley back in the defensive rotation. at least that's what your Uncle Grambo would do to combat Nashville's overwhelming speed. and should the Red Wings actually go on to LOSE this series, I suggest a public beheading (or at least firing) of Coach Dave Lewis. two consecutive first-round exits for a team loaded with this much talent would NOT be acceptable.

meanwhile, Ian Dinsmoor guest blogs over at Rob Theakston's site about this year's Movement Festival (aka DEMF). when the eff are the artists and schedule gonna be announced? hopefully this year will be as buzztastic as last.

BUZZ! Legendary Detroit Tiger Kirk Gibson is going to be in attendance for The Strokes concert on May 10th at the State Theater. it don't get no rougher! [via Retrobuzz]

some say best cover of NME evs.

Anyone know if Kim Mathers is still AWOL? last week's Star reported that she was disciplined during her stay in rehab for handing out blowjobs to other 12 steppers. i shit you not.

BREAKING!

Uncle Grambo. New York City. Two nights only, 4/23 and 4/24. DEVELOPING!

suicide is painless

Suicide ... Don't Do It. Brit Brit refuses to heed the words of Big Fun as it is revealed that the controversial suicide scene has been placed back into her new video in an attempt to keep her "edgy" ... memo to execs at Jive: if you're going for edgy, why in the world would you cast Stephen Dorff in the video? dude hasn't had buzz since Alicia Silverstone flipped him off in that Aerosmith jawn for "Cryin' Crazy Amaza-Crazy", yo!

back in 1983, Motley Crue was "Too Fast For Love". the 2004 equivalent? Kate Hudson is "Too Fat For Jeans" ... BOVS!

not only were their albums off the chains amazingly best evs, but their cover art was always tops. take fifteen minutes to peruse an illustrated history of 4AD. [via T-Muffle]

Last time I was in NYC, I met up with The Real Janelle and Chloe for the D-Troit Art Exhibit at GAS. IMHO, the highlight of this stunning exhibit was a 1999 documentary they were playing on constant loop entitled "Hot Irons", which focuses on the outrageous (and often outlandish) "Hair Wars" competition, in which the most stylish black ladies of The D™ compete in a fascinating beauty pageant. but instead of worrying about BS like evening gown competitions and speeches that declare the moral importance of ensuring that all puppies get fed properly, this pageant is all about gettin' your hair did, propa style. well guess what, yo? The "Hair Wars" competition was the cover story of this week's Metro Times. best.

looking for a reason NOT to get HDTV? Lizzie Grubman in talks with "E!", "Extra" and "ET" to be an on-air correspondant. shiver me timbers.

man, how's Ruuuuben gonna lose all that weight if he's always got the munchies? [via J. Go]

Jaime who? Kid Rock was spotted partying with some brunette strippers at Scores the other night, accompanied by Uncle Kracker and Mark McGrath. this particular ultra-white frat boy cannot POSSIBLY think of a trio that would be more fun to kick back and drink some Coors Light with ... EVER! except maybe Peabs, Coz and Terry Bollea. shmears.

in SNL news, Jimmy Fallon is going bye bye after this season and a shirtless Tracy Morgan was spotted whooping it up at a bar after last Saturday's episode. [first item via Anonymous Outsider]

King Slender Is A Pussy, yo. I was always a Fighter Hayabusa man, myself. back brain kick revealed!

god damn, yet ANOTHER home run for the boys (and girl) at 1115.org. read this in your best Mel Allen voice ... "Since taking office, President George W. Bush has spent all or part of 500 days on vacation. that equates to 40% of his term in office. HOW ABOUT THAT?" damn, yo. as Jason so eloquently put it, "If the president unwound any more, he would be a sweater in a Weezer song." genius. read the rest here: "In Most Jobs, People Get Fired For Excess Absenteeism."

somebody grab the water wings!

cuz i'm drowning, fools! today is my first day back in the office after a week of business trips and vacay time and this place is BUZZING! give corporate employees a few days off and everyone comes back ultramega-motivated beyond belief, yo! some say the complete polar opposite of the perf that The Killers and Stellastarr* put on @ The Shelter last night. instead of ultramega-motivated, both buzz bands strolled into town all lacksadaisacal (sp?) and shit. they walked into The Shelter like it was the frickin' Mercury Lounge or something, already assuming that the crowd would be WAY into their shit. but unfortch for them, that wasn't the case. when you're on the road (especially in the Midwest), you gotta work to get the crowd involved and both bands failed to deliver the goods.

while The Killers put on a decent set, i was extremely disappointed by Stellastarr's set. they just sounded really sloppy and completely out-of-sync, not to mention being a little bit on the pretentious side. they introduced one of their songs as "a B-side of a single that we've got out in England right now", as if the Brits are way more hep than the crowd of 300 who attended last night's show. sources inside the venue also tell me that the band put up a fit earlier in the afternoon and demanded that they get the top-notch dressing room usually reserved for bands playing the main stage at St. Andrew's ... no buzz on that and definitely a sign that the band might be believing their own hype a little too much. howevs, I will set that they managed to work up the crowd by ending their set with the amazing trio of "My Coco", "Moongirl" and "Jenny". buzz. but all in all, a rather disappointing evening for Detroit's hipster populus.

speaking of hipsters, is there a hotter couple ever in the history of the world than Spike Jonze and Karen O? some say hottest romance since the second marriage of Burton and Taylor! bovs.

only 36 hours until Britney mania hits The D! let's just hope that she decides to wear more makeup (and less clothing) tomorrow night!

while the Internerd has certainly had some fine moments since Al Gore invented it, I'm pretty sure that its full potential hasn't been realized until now. ARE YOU READY? The Miz has his own site! take THAT, Joker Dan Renzi!

according to my homegirl Karen Plus One, the following acts have been confirmed for this summer's Lollapalooza: MORRISSEY, BRMC, SONIC YOUTH, FLAMING LIPS, STRING CHEESE INCIDENT, RYAN ADAMS, POLYPHONIC SPREE, MODEST MOUSE, THE DATSUNS, THE THRILLS, THE WALKMEN, GOMEZ and WHEAT. developing!

best email ever

so I was just AIMing with Lindsay about how she can expect to receive a whole shitload of hate mail and harsh posts now that she's famous. no less than two seconds later than I sign off AIM, I get this email. so effing best.

------------------------------------------
Date: 12 Apr 2004 20:00:11 -0000
To: markdgrahamATyahooDOTcom
Subject: Hate you

God I hate you.

How can you look at yourself in the mirror every morning? Doesn't that whole ultra-white guy frat boy thing make even you sick? Your painfully unfunny made-up words do not make you cool, hip, or even interesting. You are shallow, sexist and pathetic. Your excitement at things like bad tv, professional sports, and nipple shots are like a textbook definition of typical american.

You are EVERYTHING that is wrong with America. Do you at least accept that?

Stop playing the fool and for the love of god please stop posting pictures of yourself. Your little grin is almost as annoying as George W. Bush's. (EDITOR'S NOTE: That was The Gorilla who posted those durst photos of me. I made them smaller, they were making MY head hurt, too. Gotta lose some lbs, yo!)

It saddens me that you are as popular as you are in the blog world. Each day I read in amazement as you wallow in your ignorance and worship at the temple of your own narcissism. Calm the F down, read a book (yeah, like you MIGHT glean anything from The Great Gatsby), grow up, accept your place on the food chain, and just post to your blog without being such a f'ing frat boy!
------------------------------------------

so if you ever feel like people are being unfair to you and taking unfounded potshots, I say TOP THIS, SUCKAS! while I will take the time to reply to the gentleman who sent me this kind note later tonight (I reply to all of my email, although not necessarily in a timely fashion), I think it's pretty much best ever to inspire this kind of response from an individual. you'll notice that while this gentleman apparently hates me like no other, he still reads this blog everyday. shmears, doesn't everyone?

gotta run. i'm on a hardcore workout regimen as of last Friday. no smizzies, just a lot of ephedra and a lot of minutes on the treadmill. if you're not bizz this eve, come on down to The Shelter to see The Killers and Stellastarr* ... Damore and myself will be in attendance. smell ya l8r! and oh yeah, thanks to Johnny Rollerfeet for sending this Bush Twin hottness. while I've always been a Barbara fan myself, Jenna was lookin' kinda tigs on Easter Sunday. nice gams. ish.

who will save your soul?

sunday, april 11th 2004. some say best day of TV watching in recent memms. you had The Masters, you had the Red Wings game, you had the Kings destroying the Lakers and obvs you had another best evs ep of "The Sopranos" ... but anyone with any HBO On Demand buzz whatsoevs skipped over Tony Soprano and tuned their TV to the MEGA ANTICIPATED "Nick And Jessica Variety Hour" (natch).

the show started out on what can only be described as the highwater mark of cultural besteverness of the 2000s. in a performance that some say rivaled Kurdt Cobain's appearance on MTV Unplugged, SnaggleJewel and Jessica duetted on a RIDICULOUSLY BEST EVER performance of "Who Will Save Your Soul?" i'm not even kidding. somehow Jessica was able to tap into her inner coffee house hottness whilst simultaneously channeling the yodelistic aura of Jewel in a duet for the ages. while neither Jewel nor her songs have had any buzz since she dumped Steve Poltz, somehow last night's perf of "WWSYS?" made it sound like one of the best songs of the 1990s.

unfortch for all of us, the rest of that show had Buzz Negativo. while Nick Lachey is at least able to hold his own on both the singing and acting fronts, the only area in which Jessica Simpson is able to hold her own is in the Rack Department. her cleavage was on display for the entire world to see last night, and if that's what you were tuning in for, I guaran-damn-tee you that you were NOT disappointed. howevs, your Uncle Grambo is so culturally savvy that it takes more than just a good rack to keep me entertained for an hour.

while I like and salute the idea of a duet with Kenny Rogers (complete with JS as Dolly Parton), the execution was just plain wrong (especially when they sang "makin' love to each other, ah hah" ... creepy!). and don't even GET me started on "Take My Breath Away", I couldn't stop thinking about Terri Nunn and VH-1's "Bands Reunited" during the ritual slaughter of the love theme from "Top Gun". and what was UP with that completely horrbs imitation of William Daniels as the voice of KITT? a quick check of the IMDB reveals that dude is still alive, I'm sure he didn't have anything better to do last night ... banging Bonnie Bartlett isn't as hott as it was back in `86, I'm sure.

while pre-show buzz from The Lachey Camp seemed to say that the couple wasn't comfortable with the Sonny and Cher parallels that the media was doling out, the comparison makes perfect sense to this viewer. while Jessica Simpson sees her starpower escalate with every passing day, the emasculation of Nick Lachey continued on its painful path. like Custer marching on Richmond, it's inevitable that Nick will end up turning tricks with homeless dudes for crack money in two years time, Willie T style.

and is it just me or does Jessica Simpson have like NO sex appeal whatsoever? sure, she's beautiful and blessed with a startlingly hott bod, but at no time have I ever seen her exude any sort of sexual charisma. and I've seen her on television and in magazines a LOT, yo. even that cover of Blender was durst ... the lights are on but no one's home. total cold fish buzz. which, now that i think about it, actually makes her the perfect sex symbol for the current presidential administration ... she's a girl who's sexually desanitized and wholly unthreatening, not to mention being pretty much brainless. is it any wonder that both Jessica Simpson and The Prez are both from Texas?

all in all, while the guest appearances were hott (big ups to Johnny Bench, but personally I would've made sure that The San Diego Chicken was in the house) and the rack was noteworthy, the rest of the show merits a C-minus rating.

if it looks like it works and it feels like it works then it works

inspired by the Information Leafblower, your Uncle Grambo has taken to creating monthly mixes on iTunes. the tracklist for my April mix is listed below, jpeg stizz. if you're curious, the title of this month's playlist is directly lifted from the chorus of Snow Patrol's "Wow", off their truly fantastic "Final Straw" LP (if the prospect of Pete Yorn fronting Coldplay is in the least bit intriguing to you, then you'll HEART Snow Patrol). the mix isn't really thematically structured, it's just kind of an amalgamation of all the stuff (new and old) that's been on heavy rotation in my iPod of late. if you're interested in receiving a copy of the mix or curious what's made the cut in past months, then just drop me a line. obvs!

guess who's back?

GRAMBO'S back, muthascratchaz! i said god DAMN, yo! it's been a full week since I've delivered you, the faithful FOW Nation, all the hott PHC that you so richly deserve. thank gawd that The Gorilla stepped in on relatively short notice to hook all youze up, because I've been on what amounts to be a 7-day bender. and when I say "bender", I really mean "being so drunk that you don't even realize that the coat check fucksticks at the Deja Vu Greektown stole my digital camera until the next morning!" ah yes, thieving strippers have always been the bane of my existence. durst.

if that was the lowlight of my vacay, thankfully there were many highlights of hottness during the last seven days. i'm talking pint after pint of Harpoon IPA in Beantown with The Cinetrix (aka Trixie) and The Fesser. i'm talking beers, brats and general Detroit Tigers Opening Day Hottness with Coach Glinka. i'm talking a killer convo with a 19-year old Boston College freshman hottie on the plane ride back from Baaahstan (all thanks to F. Scott Fitzgerald, I might add). i'm talking MickelFat shooting a 31 on the back-nine and having the stones to drop an 18-foot birdie on the 72nd hole to win the Masters. just general insanity, ya know?

but damn, doesn't it suck to have to be back at work today? NOT SO MUCH, PUNKS! Uncle Grambo has today off, too! god bless the UAW, yo ... regardless, here's some post-resurrection PHC for yizzall.

as if everyone wasn't already geeked enough to see "Kill Bill Volume 2" (sneak peak 2morrow, bitches!), Uma Thurman shows up at the premiere busting all kindsa see-through slip nip buzz. hummuna hummuna hummuna!

nothing hotter than NSFW "RW:SD" hottness. Cameran Gone Wild? let me stress again, NSFW. [via Matt 1115.org]

as drunk as your Uncle Grambo got over the past seven days, I was never as blotto as Mr. Belding in this photo! red-headed sluts ... best shot evs? nor was I as drunk as Tori Spelling got last Wednesday nizz ... while your Uncle has been known to smear a slice on a car or two in his day, I've never resorted to drunkenly whipping tater tots at bartenders. buzz?

Vivica A. Fox ... the next Robin Givens? first 50 Cent, now Snoop Dogg. gold dig much?

Nummer and H-Bomb get positively MEDIEVAL on the Donald Trump hosted episode of SNL. while Nummer reveals only 12 coneys out of 52, H-Bomb only thought the ep warranted 8 and a half coneys ... an all-time low! no buzz.

BREAKING UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOUR! Rebecca Romijn and John Stamos splitsville?