saturdazed

so, um, yeah. funny how a long and dastardly work week propels some people to get ESPECIALLY obliterated on what was once shaping up to be a "normal" Friday night, n'est-ce pas? and by "some people", i really mean your Uncle Grambo. note to the FOW Nation: starting your evening by slamming four mojitos in 45 minutes is a rocket ride to good times. big ups to everyone out on the town last nizz for putting up with the sloppiness. onwards and upwards with the PHC, yo...

as first speculated over at Anonymous Outsider, it looks like Johnny Knoxville is indeed hitting the skins with former waif / current MILF Kate Moss. Page Six is reporting that the duo were (get this) spotted at the FRANZIA FERDINAND show in NYC the other night!!! wow, to think I once held up these two as icons of obvs. now they're reduced to being algae-snorting hipster poseurs cum back-alley Webster Hall abortion cleaner uppers. sans buzz, indeed.

ah, Nickelback. gotta hand it to the these guys, they found a formula for a hit song and god damn if stick to it time and time again. [via Dazz]

easily the best part about the Pistons winning the NBA championship was that it afforded the fake Jack Nicholson a multitude of opportunities to build buzz. scoring a split-screen with the "real" Jack? priceless. bovs.

hey Candy Bushnell, hate the playa, not the game. the famed creator of "Sex In The Shitty" went on an anti-blowjob tirade in NYC on Thursday during what's being described as an "elegant luncheon" at the Four Seasons restaurant. she went as far as to declare a moratorium on billy joels, claiming that hummers give women "a completely false sense of power ... the girl thinks that she is controlling the situation, but she's not." some say worst diatribe evs!

i'm not sure there has ever been a movie more anticipated than "Before Sunset" ... Rolling Stone's film critic, Peter Travers, gives the film three stars in the mag's latest issue. CAN'T WAIT!

uh, is it just me or is the PHC i'm doling out incredibly stale and lifeless? i'm going to bail, but not before posting a hott pic of Jamie Real World San Diego that UltraOlsen passed along to me yesterday afternoon. i can honestly say that almost getting fired for having a picture of an asian reality television star in sexxxy lingerie up on my computer when my boss walked in my cube has never been hotter ... shmears!

franzia ferdinand ... REVEALED!

this one was too good to wait until tomorrow to post. it was gnawing at me that i had to wait almost 24 hours to obtain permission from the FOW known as McGee to reveal the contents of this email, so the second he gave the okay, I knew that I had to go to press with this hottness. apparently the Conde Nast building was turned into a makeshift abortion clinic yesterday, as our narrator had the unfortunate luck to bump into three lads from Glasgow in the company elevator. no freaking buzz! enjoy...

Date: Thu, 17 Jun 2004 11:43:05 -700 (PDT)
From: McGee
Subject: PHC
To: markdgraham AT yahoo DOT com

Yo-

so i reckon i could well be in

dear FOWs,

my apologies for leaving you high and dry yesterday, forcing you to crawl through The Blogosphere™ in search of PHC. unfortunately for both you and your Uncle Grambo, today marks another day in which certain time commitments at the ole jobby job will prevent me from delivering anything remotely piping hot on this site. you see, I've been strapped for time due to an extensive new product launch and a few hot (certainly not HOTT) PPT decks to put together. since this blog has nothing to do with developing the strategy for how to build a Siebel-based infrastructure to deliver trigger-based email communications, finalizing a creative brief for the upcoming VDU launch or recommending a course of action for the development of a web-based interface to deliver OPC to our customers, i have had ZERO time to reveal any hottness. trust me when I say that if you could see me now, my face is more sullen than Phillip's kids after the big loss on Tuesday night. my bad, but I'll make it up to you by posting on both Saturday and Sunday this week. stop by and you won't be disappointed ... SHMEARS!

until then, I recommend visiting all of the "Creme De La Creme" sites (The Blueprint, Cinetrix, Defamer, Gawker, Karen Plus One, Lindsayism, Retrobuzz, So Says I, Stereogum, T-Muffle and Thighs Wide Shut) to satisfy your carnal desires for buzz. in addish, might I recommend pointing your browser towards a site that will likely set the earth a quakin' during this election year: The Wit & Wisdom Of Martin VanBuren. that's right, our nation's eighth president has become so fed up with the intolerable nature of pundits that he has launched his own blog on what looks for the world to be the equivalent of digital parchment. although the history books do not reflect the fact that VanBuren was a shrewd marketer, it looks as if he had us fooled all along — he also recently launched an online apparel site. as MVB himself says, HOLLA!

until tomorrow,
— Uncle Grambo

party on woodward!

and by Woodward, I really mean Jefferson. yep, that's right, Thursday's victory parade for the Pistons will break tradition and head west down Jeff instead of south on Woodward. according to sources, it's because Woodward "has got too much construction" going on at the moment. WTF is that all about? what, like I'm gonna go represent outside of Fuddruckers instead of outside the CoPa? er, no buzz!

but that being said, I'm gonna try to scam out of the office for awhile tomorrow and make the trek downtown to reprezzent for The Ministry Of Defense ... talk about mmmmBEST! the entire town is buzzing this morning; even my normally sedate co-workers all showed up a little late and a little hungover this morning after last night's ass whooping of the L.A. Fakers. and although the majority of the city was pretty trashed last night, Jimmy Kimmel will hopefully eat a cold dish of crow on tonight's show and report that the Detroit City Cops reported that there were no major incidents in last night's celebratory hottness. sure, there were some celebratory gunshots (HOLLA!) and a few dozen drunk & disorderly arrests, but that's just your average Tuesday night in The D™. bovs.

just about the only thing that sucked about last night was Aretha Franklin's lip-synced rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner", yo ... what an atrocity. while I've got nothing but respect for The Queen Of Soul, let's face facts: this isn't the Onyx Whore-Tel tour, dig? Reetha isn't up running around stage and munching pseudo box a la Brit Brit, it's her job to use her God-given talent to honor the US of A and proudly represent the city of Detroit. instead, it appears like she used her pre-game prep time to wolf down a few dozen bon bons. hogsviously. for more info on this controversy, check out The Grizz's coverage in today's DetNews.

the state of Michigan's most famous fugitive of justice, Kim Mathers, was arrested yesterday after being discovered sitting poolside at Ann Arbor's Weber Inn. wait a second, the Weber Inn? TOTALLY WORST! she didn't have the class to at least stay at The Bell Tower? maybe if she would've ponied up the cash then she wouldn't have been ratted out by another patron. the worst part? she spent the night in the pokey and missed watching The Pistons victory. natch.

Ana Marie Wonkette on exposing The Washingtonienne and subsequently getting her fired from her job: "I definitely feel some responsibility. I got her fired. You know. I mean it's a very basic equation there. However, she didn't seem too upset about it. She said that she didn't like her job anyway. She's going to have a, you know, spread in Playboy to show her kids, so -- not all of us have that." interesting, sure doesn't sound like she lost any sleep over the matter. some say being that cutthroat has major buzz. [via Romenesko]

not that it matters, but the 9/11 Commission found "no credible evidence" that Saddam Hussein helped al-Qaida target the United States. think that Bush will address the finding from the bi-partisan committee? if you think the answer is yes, you obviously haven't been paying attention to the actions of our nation's president for the last four years.

while we're on the political tip, check out 1115.org's tremendous post called "Accuracy In Obituary" ... while Matt loses a few points for not addressing the crowning moment of Reagan's presidency (namely, Ivan Drago's defeat at the hands of Rocky Balboa), the rest of the piece is a fantastic contrast to the posthumous hummer that the media gave to our nation's 40th president. big ups.

some say no need. William Hung to release a second single and DVD. seriously, just PLEASE go away!

NEWS FLASH! BREAKING BUZZ! Pearl Jam to release a live CD! this is EXACTLY what fans have been waiting for! i mean, Pearl Jam is such a powerful and dynamic live band, I can't believe they made fans wait all these years to FINALLY be able to experience a live show in the comfort of their own living rooms! TOTALLY REVEALED!

Looks like MGM is going to buyout Mandalay Bay in a deal worth a reported $4.8 billion. this deal has local implications, as the proposed merger will likely result in the closing of either Detroit's MGM Grand Casino or the Motor City Casino. as they say in the biz, DEVELOPING...

no means no!

as i type this message, there are no less than five ghetto birds flying above my apartment, keeping watch on the normally serene streets of Royal Oak. well, i say "normally" because IT'S NOT EVERY NIGHT THE EFFING PISTONS WIN THE NBA CHAMPIONSHIP, bitch! that's right y'all, our hometown heroes showed heart, determination and raw effort in laying the ultimate smackdown on the Smugtown Douchebags this evening. this collection of NBA cast-offs and rejects (Mr. Big Shot, Rip, Rasheed, B-b-b-b-Ben Wallace, et al) made the city proud as they brought unparalleled intensity and effort on the court all season long, perfectly exemplifying the spirit of Detroit. this is a blue collar town and this team was molded in that image, bringing back hope to everyone out there who has ever been let down by the phrase "If you work hard, good things will happen to you." seriously, this town is going absolutely WILD this evening, and that buzz is only going to multiply over the coming hours and days. some say best evening evs, especially considering your Uncle Grambo spent it with all of the Peabody boys. below are a few choice photos from the evening, natch ... GO PISTONS!

but before I bring the hottness, I've got a memo for Lakers PF "Hot" Karl Malone ... hey douchebag, how does it feel to know that Darko Milicic has more NBA championship rings than you? yeah, thought so ... now go eat a D™! and for all of our sake, let's hope the jury out in Eagle Springs puts as much credence in Kobe's legal defense as the rest of the nation put into his boldly durst claim that The Lakers would definitely win tonight's game. that is to say, NONE WHATSOEVER! shmears.

DEE-TROIT BAAAASKETBALLLL!

charlotte's web

while there still isn't any official announcement over on Amazon.co.uk, word on the strizz is that the new Charlotte Hatherley jawn, "Grey Will Fade", will be released in the UK on August 16th. even better, her new single ("Kim Wilde") is now available on her official website and your Uncle can report that it's officially the hottness. Playlouder recently named it their Single Of The Week and described it as "''four minutes of ludicrously, catchy summer brilliance" i like those odds. while likely best known for her legendary photo with Uncle Grambo, Charlotte is also known as the smokin' hott guitarist in Ash (who, btw, also have a new album out across the pond). some say missing Ash's performance at Coachella was the biggest regret of the weekend. [via Nick Catchdubs]

speaking of whom, Nick Catchdubs has been en fueggs of late, dropping crazed lingo that makes whatevs.org look all repressed and shit. for instance, take his quote today that "Haters need to hop off Lance Armstrong's ball (yes, singular) and just let dude live. Isn't Sheryl Crow trying to be his babymama? She should go regulate. Something tells me Sheryl Crow won't hesitate to choke a bitch." say WHUT? "choke a bitch"? does that mean "beat someone up"? regardless, i was fairly convinced that it was the best new catchphrase evs until I read this other hottness: "Realization: were we all sleeping on Smashing Pumpkins during their keyboard & drum machine phase? If that record dropped today, in the context of The Postal Service and all the New Order-ish indie bands, I think folks would collectively be jockriding. Gotta reexamine those late 90s Corganjawns" ... Corganjawns? some say best evs of all-time, yo.

but really, back to the topic of singles for a second. local writer extraordinaire / ad man / radio host / legendary musician / FOW Chris Handyside dropped some serious science in this week's Metro Times when discussing the new single from Ghostly faves Dykehouse. witness the quickness: "Lord, there’s nothing more sublime than a well-executed breakup song and 'Chain Smoking' is uncut Ringwald-era Psych Furs-on-shoegaze tapped right into the main vein that connects every grown-up with their inner reject." memo to Sasha Frere-Jones: watch your back, jack. you've got some stiff competish...

let me get this straight ... the United States Army put all that time and effort into finding Saddam Hussein in some god-forsaken spider hole in the middle of nowhere and now we have to give him back? yeah rizz!

Which "Big Lebowski" character are you? [via Trixie]

"I'm telling you right now, we'll win Tuesday." — Kobe Bryant, after Sunday night's Game 4 loss to the Pistons. Kobe ... some say least believable rapist evs.

uh, HOLLA! Buffy The Vampire Slayer stalked by lesbians! no, SMG wasn't accosted by either Willow or Tara during a recent trip to NYC hotspot Marquee, but instead was accosted by "a couple of gruff lesbians" ... hott. [via Thigh Master]

Is Kate Moss banging Johnny Knoxville? i thought that J.K. was married? but then again, I guess that when Kate Moss comes a knockin', you don't turn the opportunity to hit them skins down. [via Anonymous Outsider]

in confirmed banging news, Tommy Brady has been nailing Bridget Moynihan on a regular basis for quite some time. not too shabb shabbs, but now the NY Post is reporting that the duo are engaged. no buzz, word on the street has ALWAYS been that Moynihan is a world-class, gold-digging bizzo. DEVELOPING...

let's get retarded, yeah!

DEE-troit BAA-sket-BALLLL! b-b-b-b-b-BEN WALLLLACE! HOLLA! dude, tonight's potentially championship-clinching Game 5 versus the Smugtown Douchebags (credit: Damore) has got the Motor City all worked up and ready to rock out. in preparation for what could possibly be the best night to be a Detroiter since Game 4 of the `97 Stanley Cup, your Uncle Grambo got a full 14 hours of sleep last night and is ready to get retarded, Black Eyed Peas stizz. howevs, i have to admit that i'm VERY nervous about tonight's game, which will by no means be a cakewalk for The Pistons. unlike most of the clowns calling into The Fan, i'm nowhere near convinced that this series is a done-deal. underestimating the buzz of Kobe and Shaq is a mistake that The Spurs made and it cost them dearly, let's just hope that the team's preparation under Coach Larry Brown remains as solid as it's been since the acquisition of Rasheed Wallace. but tonight, my friends, is gonna be full on insanicus ... so much B-Dubz madness!

speaking of the Motor City, ESPN's Brian Murphy writes that there hasn't been this much buzz about the NBA Finals since 1991 and he's god damn streezy. while correctly admitting that our fair city "may not win any Conde Nast polls as far as Spa Destinations are concerned", he also correctly checks The D™ as an amazing place to be a sports fan. from the highs of the `Stons and Wings to the lows of the Lie-Downs and Tigers, this town is the bestest. HOLLA!

my apologies to all the FOWs out there for not revealing any timely nip slips of late. while I'd like to keep this site as SFW as poss (a few peeps have recently informed me that whatevs.org has been MANUTE BOL BLOCKED by their corporate firewalls), I think that the nip pokeage revealed by Kate Mizz in this photo should momentarily whet your appetite ... natch.

um, yeah, so this news is just a little bit embarrassing. apparently Maxim magazine threw their Hot 100 Party in Las Vegas on Saturday night ... uh, HELLO! doesn't anyone in the Felix Dennis empire visit this site? why in the world wasn't your Uncle Grambo on the effing invite list? while our crew's Saturday night excursion to Rain was the hottness, the chance to chat up a newly single Rebecca Romijn isn't something that comes along that often for this boy from the Midwest. crapsticks.

no alarms and no surprises here, Courtney Hole has cancelled her summer tour. has any one person EVER been arrested more times in a year than Courtney in 2K4?

being dumped is probably the worst thing evs ... well, at least that's what my friends tell me. obvs, I have never known the feeling but i hear it sucks monkeychunks. but you want to know the only thing worse than being dumped? being dumped and then discovering that your ex got married by flipping through the pages of US Weekly ... man, Ben Affleck got positively PUNK'D by J. Lo, yo. so durst. his management team needs to find out a way to capitalize on the sympathetic buzz for Mr. Affleck that's resonating throughout the heartland, right quick.

Scott Stapp wants strip clubs to stop playing his songs. man, that makes two of us. nothing kills your buzz faster than getting a lappy while Stapp belts out "Can you take me HIGHER?" on the house speakers, trust you me.

what happens in vegas...

yeah yeah yeah, you know the rest. while your Uncle Grambo is a firm believer in adhering to this credo, i'll make an exception when it comes to celebspotting in Sin City.

• Matt "Scoring" Sorum (G N Effing R, Velvet Revolver) looking a little haggard, hanging outside the bathroom of the Hard Rock on Friday night. He was in a small posse of four, some wasted and ancient blonde skeez draped on his arm.
  

• Jerry O'Connell (aka The Kush) and Giuliana DePandi (E!), around 3am on Friday at the Hard Rock. these two power C-Listers were holding hands and walking back to their room (I presume, I didn't follow them or anything ... well, at least not for THAT long). even though our boy Trip McNeely has dropped a lot of lbs since his "Stand By Me" days, he still has one helluva ginormous melon. and his skanky, talentless GF is one of the skinniest women I've ever seen in the flesh, and not in a good way ... some say she's been spending too much time in the vomitorium.
  

• New Jersey Net small forward Richard Jefferson, hanging with some dude who looked to be either his agent or manager, at the Hard Rock on Friday nizz, approx. 4am. I witnessed him purchase an Amstel Light for a semi-heinous looking blonde chick, once again proving my theory that EVERYONE LOVES WHITE GIRLS. natch.
  

• Pimp daddy director Brett Ratner ("Rush Hour", "Red Dragon"), entering The Palms Casino at approximately 3am on Saturday night. There was a hottie crawling all over him who most definitely was NOT Serena Williams. From the looks of it, there wasn't much time before those tees were respectively bovs'd on, shmears.
  

• West Coast trance superstar DJ Dan, hanging in the lobby of the MGM Grand at approximately 6pm on Sunday evening. I would've never recognized him without the assistance of a certain someone ... big ups!

celeb spotting (stalking?) aside, it was a weekend for the ages. vegas ... so REVEALED. too bad for you that I signed that waiver forbidding me from disclosing the events of the weekend, but believe me when I say that I can guaranTEE that I had more fun this weekend than you've had all year. obvs.