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Friday, July 16, 2004
as i type this post, i'm staring out at the Hollywood sign from the lush environs of Silver Lake, CA. how come I've never seen this part of Los Angeles before? very underrated, i must say. of course, it doesn't hurt to be the houseguest of two of the hottest hotties on EITHER side of the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I, yo. bovs.
but since I've only allotted myself a few minutes of indoor time on this hazily sunny afternoon to compose a quickie, I'm bringin' the PHC bullet-stizz:
have a good weekend, kids. play safe.posted by uncle grambo |
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Doonesbury? give me an effing break. what, was Opus from "Bloom County" demanding too much on his rider? was Garfield unavailable due to the fact that he's been admitted to rehab after the colossal failure of his big-screen debut? will we see another Beavis & Butthead cover when Peter Travers reviews the new Metallica documentary? because, truth be told, that would be more apt. while the cover choices of Rolling Stone have certainly been in decline in recent months, this cringe-worthy spectacle takes the proverbial cake.
memo to Jann Wenner: if this cover was an attempt to stick it to the Bush Administration and make a highly charged and politicized startement about the atrocities of war, let's face it ... you flat out failed. while that is indeed an admirable goal to pursue, it would've been better served by enlisting an A-list photojournalist (say, David Turnley) to document a similar scene in an ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPH! call me crazy, but if you really want to show the American public mangled limbs and Apache helicopters, a cartoon just isn't the way to do it. obvs.
ED. NOTE: Thanks to The Grizz for pointing out this nonsense. And oh yeah, this will be the final post of the week. I'll be in sunny California for the rest of the weekend, yo. You know how it is, "come to the coast, have a few laughs" ... you catch my drizz. John McClain stizz. Take it sleazy, FOWs. Shmears. See you on Monday. Bovs on YOUR respective tees.posted by uncle grambo |
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
probably because last night's screening of "I, Robot" drained the life outta me. seriously, it might've been the biggest theatrical disappointment that your Uncle Grambo has experienced since "A.I." ... this movie is about 1/10th as good as "The Day After Tomorrow" and about 1/100th as fun to watch. by now, I've pretty much figured out that Will Smith has two emotional reference points to draw from (giddy sarcastic humour and pissed-off sarcastic humour), so that really wasn't the problem. a lot of it had to do with Bridget MoyniWhore (say it ain't so, Tommy Brady!) and an absosmurfly RECOCKULOUS plot that boasts holes the size of Cameron Diaz's pockmarks. it looks like the Hollywood machine has finally got to Alex Proyas; "Garage Days" flopped and now "I, Robot" looks to do the same. durst evs.
here's more Scott Stereogum buzz, only this time without my grade-Z attempt at recreating his magical ability to get us inside the head of Brit Brit and FederSkank (or, as The Sun called him earlier today, "(Britney's) love rat fiance"). let's see, for the foodies who lurk on this site, here are some snaps of the duo shopping at Whole Foods (ED. NOTE: they sell Cheetos at Whole Foods?). in addish, Kevin's baby's momma, Shar Jackson, walked the runway at a recent fashion show. and finally, some enterprising youngster is trying to cash in by creating "Just Say No To Kevin" trucker hats. eeeesh, that last one has even less staying power than "Free Winona"! this paragraph has been brought to you by the good graces of Ultragrrrl, who was kind enough to pass along all three links. bovs on YOUR tees, darling.
in better news, Page Six is reporting that the world's greatest living screenwriter and director is now dating Jennifer Jason-Leigh. obvs, I'm talkin' bout NOAH FREAKIN' BAUMBACH! won't somebody PLEASE put "Kicking And Screaming" out on DVD? that's right, I'm looking at you, Anchor Bay ... just put the brakes on your 19th release of "Evil Dead" and pick up the rights to this film. bovs.
well, that's about all the good news i got for ya today. but guess what? i got lots of lame stuff! here's a rundown, bullet stizz.
lest i end this day of PHC on a negative note, I need to throw out HUGE UPS to Other Nonsense for forwarding along this sexy, salacious and supercalifragilisticexpeallidocious pic of Maria SharaBesta enjoying one of nature's finest fruits. mmmm ... potassium.
since Scott Stereogum is taking a well-deserved break (well, at least until tomorrow), your Uncle Grambo has volunteered to become your temporary source for All Things Brit Brit. and let me tell you, kind souls, getting FenderBender'd is probably the worst thing ever to happen to my Kentwood Princess.
Fleet Street is buzzing this morning as The Sun landed exclusive snaps of Brit Brit downing an miniature bottle of scotchy scotch scotch outside of some skanky liquor store in Malibu. being the classy babe that she is, she chased her Glenlivet with Red Bull. i can only imagine the scenario ... (cue dream sequence music) ...
Kevin: Dayum, baby, wasn't "Anchorman" off the heez?
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
oh ... my ... GAW. my heart just pulled a Tara Lipinski and triple salchow'd like a mofo when I saw some snaps of Barbara Bush out on the campaign trail. ferreals, tell me that she isn't a dead-ringer for Kate Beckinsale? only, like, foxier. man, Zachamundo STILL tells tales about how mesmerizing she was when he met her, but it wasn't until this very afternoon that I realized that I'm going to steal her from him. bovs on THOSE respective tees. natch.
Save Mary-Kate. concept by Judging Randy. hott.
The Detroit News reports on the recent surge in the number of women chauffeurs. wait wait wait a second here, they let women drive limousines now? since when? what if they get their period while they're driving? they'll be a menace II society! what's next, women voting? WORST EVER!
baby, i TOLD you never to call me on that number! i don't CARE if you just won Wimbledon, i'm out here trying to earn a living! now get yo ass home and make me some chicken pot pie!
it was just under a year ago when you first read about The Candy Band here on whatevs.org. now they're going national, Katie Couric stizz. Motor City Rocks is reporting that "The Today Show" is flying a crew out to The D™ to film the band during an outdoor performance scheduled on July 23rd. anyone interested in attending the show (held at Troy's Boulan Park) should drop me a line. bovs.
wrapping up the day, it's important to note that it is an extremely sad day in The Blogosphere™. yes, that's right, Damore's highly beloved, nicotine-fueled compilation of spite-filled rants known as Retrobuzz is going the way of the dodo. there have been some high-profile losses that the blogging community has endured over the last year and some change, but I'm here to make the case that the loss of Damore is akin to another person whose career trajectory was just starting to take off. that's right, bitches, i'm talkin' James Dean.
i was particularily drawn to the fact that both were rebellious outsiders who smoked like chimneys. in addish, both loved their women almost as much as they loved their drink. both were revolutionizing the way that we viewed an entire medium and, if truth be told, ultimately the way that we viewed ourselves. and yes, both were taken prematurely from our lives, leaving a void likely never to be replaced. so raise your 40 tonight and pour some Mickey's Ice out on the sidewalk in memory of Retrobuzz; where else are you going to read about nicotine patch condoms, waterford crystal dildos and getting fenderbender'd? that's right, nowhere. goodnight, sweet prince ... goodnight.
who knew? at 10:19:53am this very morning, whatevs.org got its one millionth visitor. i would like to thank the anonymous chap (chapette?) hailing from the Central Standard Time Zone and visiting from the domain rr.com (???) for your patronage. while I'm not much for self-congratulatory back patting, this is a pretty humbling moment for YT. and while the list of people who helped and continue to help make this site a success is long and distinguished (insert "Top Gun" reset here), i won't go into a long list of congratulatory praise here. instead, i promise to thank you in person the next time our paths cross. shmears. here's to the next mill.
i don't care if The Heff called him "a knob", i think that Andy Dick is a comedic genius. last night's debut of "The Assistant" was the best 30 minutes of television I've seen in some time. i kicked back on my couch and laughed the entire time, not really caring that I was missing the year 1991 over on MTV's sister station. i love that the show is a combination of the best (read: hokiest) moments on all of the most popular reality television shows, starting with the infamously dashboard rose ceremony made famous on "The Bachelor." it's elimination time, bitches! snip snip snip! some say must see tv. [NYT buzz via T-Muffle]
holy rack, batman! man, no wonder Tommy Mottola signed her to a "long-term" recording deal. howevs, if you ask your Uncle Grambo, she's lookin' a bit rough these days ... i'm WAY more down the new Jessica Simpson pics in Vanity Fair. fit but she knows it.
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES!!! IBM Introduces Computer Lines! get OUT! i also heard that a maverick southern gent named Eli Whitney has come up with a bold new invention, something called "The Cotton Gin" ... personally, I prefer Tanqueray, but maybe this Whitney chap is onto something!
even though your Uncle Grambo is upset to see Memo bolt outta town, i'm pretty happy with the news that The Pistons are going to resign Rasheed Wallace. in addish, to fill the void left by Memo's departure, Joe D convinced the injury-riddled Antonio McDyess to sign a 4 year, $23 million deal with the team to serve as Sheed's backup. while i'm not exactly convinced that this is going to play out to our liking, I do know that The Jazz overpaid for Memo and that Dumars has a history of playing the free agent market like a Stradivarius.
my spidey sense says that "Spiderman: The Musical" is going to SpideySuck! i don't care that Julie Taymor is attached ... did you SEE "Titus"? WORST SHAKESPEARE ADAPTATION EVS! made "10 Things I Hate About You" look like Olivier's "Hamlet"!!!
gotta love when a local resident of The D™ gets some national props. local writer extraordinaire (and FOW) Chris Handyside gets some props from MTV News in anticipation of his upcoming White Stripes biography. St. Martin's Press is releasing "Fell In Love With A Band" this September ... so best!
i missed this one upon its original release a few weeks back but caught up with it last night. Rebecca Traister composed an an excellent feature on Patti Scialfa over at Salon.com, dubbing her (and I quote) "the one with the best ass in rock 'n' roll." definitely worth investing the time to get a Day Pass.
the anticipation for this Thursday night's epic Prime Ministers / Last Tourist gig is reaching a fever pitch. two of whatevs.org's favorite bands on Planet Earth are in the final stages of preparing to double team your punk ass and fill up Small's with pop music that's both majestic and glorious. the only excuse you could possibly have for not showing up is if you are booked on a flight to Los Angeles that evening (which, not coincidentally, is the reason that your Uncle Grambo will not be in attendance). this show promises to make Coachella look like the Pontiac Techno Festival. be there or be durst.posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, July 12, 2004
have you HEARD the new Christina Milian jawn, "Dip It Low"? talk about mmmmmBEST, it is seriously giving B's "Naughty Girl" a run for its money as Sexiest Single of `04. Sasha Frere-Jones pulls off his most intense floor routine of verbal backflippery evs when talking about the full length LP: "I don't mean to blaspheme, but this is what 'Dangerously In Love' was trying to be ... Holy. Fucking Shit ... the ballads all sound like the scene in 'Alien' when everybody wakes up outta the pods, which is what all R&B ballads should sound like." i said god DAYUM! looks like the iTunes Music Store is gonna be getting another $9.99 from your Uncle Grambo tonight! [via Nick Catchdubs]
while "Anchorman" is full of tasty cameos that I won't spoil for you, "Freaks And Geeks" fans out there will want to keep their eyes peeled out for appearances from Seth Rogen (who played Ken on the show) and Dave Allen (who played Mr. Rosso, the guidance counselor). even the head "F&G" bigwig, Judd Apatow (exec producer), is totally revealed! still, nowhere as hott as the reoccuring cameos by Michelle TrachtenHottness on "Six Feet Under" ... oh my gaw.
caught the first installment of "I Love The `90s" yesterday while sprawled on the couch suffering from quite the hangover. can't say that I was impressed by the pundits' commentary on 1990. something was just missing, and it took me almost 24 hours to come up with a suitable analogy. fortunately for you, it just hit me (pun intended). when thinking of this episode, i recall famed longball hitters like Rob Deer and Dave Kingman; while these batters were armed with legendary power at the plate, they just never quite learned that you can't try to hit every single ball out of the ballpark. instead of swinging for the fences and brutally striking out, occasionally a nice Texas Leaguer will do. knowwhatimsayin? so Hal Sparks is kinda like Rob Deer and Michael Ian Black is kinda like Dave Kingman; for every speedball that gets hit into the proverbial lights of The Kingdome, there's a whole lotta whiffin' goin' on.
trouble on the set of "Superman." while last Thursday brought word that McG was wooing Scarlett Johansson, Johnny Depp and Shia LaBeouf to appear in the film, The Hollywood Reporter (via Defamer) is now reporting that the hyperspastic director of both "Charlie's Angels" films is now off the project after clashing with the studio over where the film was to be shot. Variety reports that Warner execs wanted to save some $$$ by filming in Australia, but Joseph McGinty insisted that the film be shot in NYC. developing... [thanks to Beat Royalty for the Shia scoopage]
Slate sends a MILF to compete in a beauty pageant. if they really wanted an interesting story, they should've sent Emily Yoffe (pictured at right) to the Valley and into gonzo amateur porn. put a pair of glasses on her and WHAM! you've got yourself the perfect lead for a teacher / student fantasy. "Stay after class for detention, big boy" ... hubba hubba!
as previously discussed, i spent the last nine days in a self-imposed hiatus from either writing or reading blogs. believe it or not, I actually found myself missing the witty witticisms of my favorite members of The Blogosphere™. though by no means a comprehensive list, here are some recent posts from bloggers that I particularily enjoyed reading, people who YOU should be reading on a daily basis:
9:30am wake up to the sound of the ocean roaring outside your window and brush the sleep out of your eyes.
rinse and repeat. yep, that was pretty much my schedule every day from July 3rd to July 9th. quite simply put, i arrived back in Detroit after a week on the beach in the most relaxed and comfortable mood that i've been in since sophomore year of college (not coincidentally, the last time that I went to Kiawah Island). i spent an entire week doing absosmurfly NOTHING other than marinating in 95 degree weather. i didn't check either my personal or work email account. i didn't blog, nor did i read any blogs. i didn't read a newspaper or really even watch tv. i just spent the week drinking good drink, eating fine eats, and kicking it with the `rents. as someone who has returned from every vacation that they've taken in the last 10 years more tired than when they left, your Uncle Grambo HIGHLY recommends investing one week of your vacation time cold kicking it beach stizz. trust me, it's good for the soul.
over the break, i managed to rock through five books ... i haven't read that many books in that little time since my days in Ann Arbs. if you're keeping score at home, here's the list (in chron order): Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris, Gasping For Airtime by Jay Mohr, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (second time), A Scanner Darkly by Philip K. Dick and Hotel World by Ali Smith. my pick for Best Book O' The Bunch was easily Hotel World, so I'd like to throw some big ups the way of JJ* for the recommendation. in addish, if you ever make it down Charleston way, i suggest that you make some rezzies at the restaurant called S.N.O.B. - their grilled BBQ tuna and peach cobbler are so totally TD4. mmmmmBEST! and before I close out my Kiawah rant, I'd like to thank both my parents and The Olsen Twins for making the first week of July 2004 a week to remember. shmears.
wait, on second thought, i take all of that back. spend your vacation money on a trip to the UK. a recent study by Company magazine reveals that raunchy British girls indulge in high-risk sex and booze marathons when they go on summer holiday. when used in combination, I'd be hard pressed to come up with three more glorious words in the lexicon than "raunchy British girls", especially when accompanied by details like this: most guzzle five weeks worth of liquor in seven days. i like those odds! HOLLA!
let's see, what happened while I was gone. well, Courtney Love apparently gave herself a Franz Ferdinand, a Cameron Diaz S&M video emerged, Britney's nip slipped, John Kerry picked John Edwards to be his running mate and my girl Maria SharaBESTa won WimbleBest. i'm sure that other things happened, but these were the hott topics of convo at the Fiesta de Retrobuzz on Saturday night. sadly, no pictures were taken that evening, but that's likely for the best. the cops showed up (TWICE!!!), someone puked orange stuff all over the front porch and we danced like dancing fiends to Franz Ferdinand and Modest Mouse (in an irony-laden fashion, obvs). ain't no party like a Damore party cuz a Damore party's got Sparks. bovs!
as if there were any last lingering doubts as to whether or not John Mayer is a total douchenozzle, the latest edition of Esquire reveals that Mayer recently racked up a $1,500 worth of phone sex calls on his AMEX card.
congrats go out to Fluxblog and Large Hearted Boy for getting their propers in a recent Reuters piece on the explosion of MP3 blogs. both are daily visits for your Uncle Grambo, so it's good to see that their buzz continues to build.
NEWS FLASH FROM MTV! "Anchorman" apparently owes a debt of gratitude to "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" ... get out! no way! TOTALLY REVEALED! when this year's Pulitzer's are announced, I'll be god damned if Karl Heitmueller doesn't get recognized as this generation's Woodward or Bernstein. where was The WaPo when this story broke? someone call DRUDGE!!!, this story is gonna blow the pants off Abu Gharib! but seriously folks, isn't this story altogetherly obvs or am I just an old curmudgeon? i mean, it's one thing to acknowledge the brilliance and genius that was Ted Knight's performance as Ted Baxter on "MTM", but Heitmueller plays it like the world's biggest reveal evs. i mean, didn't you even notice that Ron Burgundy's dog was named Baxter? uh, HELLO!?! i mean, a REAL reveal would've been that Steve Carrell based his character's performance on Ralph Wiggum (memo to aspiring journalists everywhere: you read that one here FIRST, bitches!).
regardless, go see "Anchorman". like, now. stop reading this blog and quit your day job, Jack. some say best comedy since "Wet Hot American Summer" ... ferreals.
finally emerging from a five year funk after being dumped by Milla Jovovich after the colossal failure that was "Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc", Luc Besson is back and it appears that Naomi Watts is going to be his new Anne Parillaud. look for "Daisy Scarlett: Semper Occultus" to hit screens sometime in 2006. [revealed by Beat Royalty]
and finally (at least for now), London's infamous News Of The World tabloid has landed a hott exclusive with Jason Alexander, Brit Brit's ex-husband. he goes into great detail about their weekend of proposing and porking in Vegas. he also accuses Lynne Spears of breaking up their marriage and goes to great length on the cockblocking of Britney's brother, annulment stizz. after reading this piece, I genuinely feel both resentment and compassion for this dude. resentment because he got to experience a weekend of nonstop Brit Brit banging at the Onyx WhoreTel (sans Trojans!), compassion because it really sounds like he had his simpleton heart broken by forces that he couldn't even comprehend. i mean, Britney changed her phone number so he couldn't track her down and talk to her ... DURST! [via Achtung Baby]posted by uncle grambo |