wish I was old enough to smoke Laramies

as i type this post, i'm staring out at the Hollywood sign from the lush environs of Silver Lake, CA. how come I've never seen this part of Los Angeles before? very underrated, i must say. of course, it doesn't hurt to be the houseguest of two of the hottest hotties on EITHER side of the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I, yo. bovs.

but since I've only allotted myself a few minutes of indoor time on this hazily sunny afternoon to compose a quickie, I'm bringin' the PHC bullet-stizz:

• the rapid descent of Brit Brit takes another step in the right direction. today's issue of The Sun reveals what the French call "cellulite d'arse" on our friend Miss Spears. personally, I'm just glad to be flying low enough under the radar that Brit Brit's legal team hasn't slapped me with a cease-and-desist. bovs.

• The Grizz profiles this season's schedule of films at the DFT, including the original "Godzilla" and a documentary about The Dandy Warhols. Courtney Taylor Taylor ... some say not discussed frequently enough.

• crack that whip! Bijou Philips and Lindsay Lohan engage in some PG-13 rated bondage buzz.

• check out last night's set from Last Tourist at Smalls. while I was greatly disappointed that I missed the show, i heard nothing but good things. and by "good things", I mean that Peabs left me a totally classic, totally wasted VM at 3:30am ... I'd reprint the hottness here, but I know that there are some children who frequent the site.

• "The events of Sep 11 sparked a new concern and gave our generation a tangible moment to make our own. This post-9/11 period is OUR time: it is us middle-class kids with nothing to immediately or concretely worry about that have to seize the moment and incite change. The bombs will be on our side of the pond very soon if we do not do something about it. It is about more than romance this time, it's about the fate of the world." whoah, heavy stuff. so I'm forced to file this one under the category of "Who Knew"? if I gave you ten guesses, I bet there's no way that you would've guessed that this quote comes from Dave Hamelin of The Stills. even better? he's describing the meaning of "Lola Stars And Stripes"!!! totally revealed!

• I experienced a minor epiphany on the flight out to LA last night. your Uncle Grambo innocently picked up a copy of Fast Company at the airport, only to stumble upon one of the more inspiring issues of any magazine I've ever read. don't believe me? if you're a corporate drone out there in any one of a million cube farms, I promise you that reading this article on the birth and continued growth of Whole Foods will change your entire worldview of the workplace. now don't get me wrong, nothing appeals to me less than working everyday of the next 20 years of my life with a bunch of hippie food snobs reeking of patchouli, but there are many principles of Whole Foods CEO John Mackey's philosophies on creating an ideal corporate culture that I would love to see instituted in my workplace. highly buzzworthy, so much so that I ordered a year subscription to the mag online earlier today. bovs.

• and finally, I just want to pass along a message to the good folks at Blogger ... SUCK IT! your new interface blows! GET ME A BOLD & SPICY, BITCH!

have a good weekend, kids. play safe.

cultural irrelevance, thy name is Rolling Stone

Doonesbury? give me an effing break. what, was Opus from "Bloom County" demanding too much on his rider? was Garfield unavailable due to the fact that he's been admitted to rehab after the colossal failure of his big-screen debut? will we see another Beavis & Butthead cover when Peter Travers reviews the new Metallica documentary? because, truth be told, that would be more apt. while the cover choices of Rolling Stone have certainly been in decline in recent months, this cringe-worthy spectacle takes the proverbial cake.

memo to Jann Wenner: if this cover was an attempt to stick it to the Bush Administration and make a highly charged and politicized startement about the atrocities of war, let's face it ... you flat out failed. while that is indeed an admirable goal to pursue, it would've been better served by enlisting an A-list photojournalist (say, David Turnley) to document a similar scene in an ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPH! call me crazy, but if you really want to show the American public mangled limbs and Apache helicopters, a cartoon just isn't the way to do it. obvs.

just not feeling it today

probably because last night's screening of "I, Robot" drained the life outta me. seriously, it might've been the biggest theatrical disappointment that your Uncle Grambo has experienced since "A.I." ... this movie is about 1/10th as good as "The Day After Tomorrow" and about 1/100th as fun to watch. by now, I've pretty much figured out that Will Smith has two emotional reference points to draw from (giddy sarcastic humour and pissed-off sarcastic humour), so that really wasn't the problem. a lot of it had to do with Bridget MoyniWhore (say it ain't so, Tommy Brady!) and an absosmurfly RECOCKULOUS plot that boasts holes the size of Cameron Diaz's pockmarks. it looks like the Hollywood machine has finally got to Alex Proyas; "Garage Days" flopped and now "I, Robot" looks to do the same. durst evs.

here's more Scott Stereogum buzz, only this time without my grade-Z attempt at recreating his magical ability to get us inside the head of Brit Brit and FederSkank (or, as The Sun called him earlier today, "(Britney's) love rat fiance"). let's see, for the foodies who lurk on this site, here are some snaps of the duo shopping at Whole Foods (ED. NOTE: they sell Cheetos at Whole Foods?). in addish, Kevin's baby's momma, Shar Jackson, walked the runway at a recent fashion show. and finally, some enterprising youngster is trying to cash in by creating "Just Say No To Kevin" trucker hats. eeeesh, that last one has even less staying power than "Free Winona"! this paragraph has been brought to you by the good graces of Ultragrrrl, who was kind enough to pass along all three links. bovs on YOUR tees, darling.

in better news, Page Six is reporting that the world's greatest living screenwriter and director is now dating Jennifer Jason-Leigh. obvs, I'm talkin' bout NOAH FREAKIN' BAUMBACH! won't somebody PLEASE put "Kicking And Screaming" out on DVD? that's right, I'm looking at you, Anchor Bay ... just put the brakes on your 19th release of "Evil Dead" and pick up the rights to this film. bovs.

well, that's about all the good news i got for ya today. but guess what? i got lots of lame stuff! here's a rundown, bullet stizz.

• Some hott model gets busted for coke possession at JFK. she was carrying it in her front pants pocket ... IDIOT!

• Some douchebag journalism professor at the University of Missouri is pissed that bloggers are going to be credentialed at the upcoming Democratic and Republican national conventions. Professor Tom McPhail calls bloggers "pretend journalists" and complains that "(bloggers) are not committed to being objective." i don't know how many newspapers or magazines you've read lately, Jack, but from my vantage point, objectivity seems to have been tossed out like yesterday's newspapers. pun intended. harrumph! [via Romenesko]

• some douchebag at The Freep writes a column ripping on OnStar, spurred on by the BlondeStar parody that's been floating around The InterNerd for the last few days. "over-the-top melodrama"? yep, that's what i call it when OnStar responds to over 60,000 driver emergencies per month. maybe our good friend Professor McPhail should teach this slob a thing or two about objectivity!

• even casting Jessica Alba as The Invisible Girl isn't going to save The Fantastic Four movie. trust you me. [via Movie City News]

• while I've always enjoyed Rob Sheffield's work both as a journalist and a talking head, I'm officially boycotting his work until 2005 for one simple quote he used in this week's Village Voice ... he calls the back-alley abortion known as Franz Ferdinand (and I quote) "15 pounds of fuck-puppy in a 10-pound bag." worst ... visual ... imagery ... ever!!! thanks for nothing, Sheffield. NO BUZZ FOR YOU!

lest i end this day of PHC on a negative note, I need to throw out HUGE UPS to Other Nonsense for forwarding along this sexy, salacious and supercalifragilisticexpeallidocious pic of Maria SharaBesta enjoying one of nature's finest fruits. mmmm ... potassium.

this is a low

since Scott Stereogum is taking a well-deserved break (well, at least until tomorrow), your Uncle Grambo has volunteered to become your temporary source for All Things Brit Brit. and let me tell you, kind souls, getting FenderBender'd is probably the worst thing ever to happen to my Kentwood Princess.

Fleet Street is buzzing this morning as The Sun landed exclusive snaps of Brit Brit downing an miniature bottle of scotchy scotch scotch outside of some skanky liquor store in Malibu. being the classy babe that she is, she chased her Glenlivet with Red Bull. i can only imagine the scenario ... (cue dream sequence music) ...

get ur con-SWERVE-ative on!

oh ... my ... GAW. my heart just pulled a Tara Lipinski and triple salchow'd like a mofo when I saw some snaps of Barbara Bush out on the campaign trail. ferreals, tell me that she isn't a dead-ringer for Kate Beckinsale? only, like, foxier. man, Zachamundo STILL tells tales about how mesmerizing she was when he met her, but it wasn't until this very afternoon that I realized that I'm going to steal her from him. bovs on THOSE respective tees. natch.

Dave Poland reports that Jeffrey Wells is leaving his current home at Moviepoopshoot.com. say it ain't so, Mr. Wells, say it ain't so! developing...

Save Mary-Kate. concept by Judging Randy. hott.

The Detroit News reports on the recent surge in the number of women chauffeurs. wait wait wait a second here, they let women drive limousines now? since when? what if they get their period while they're driving? they'll be a menace II society! what's next, women voting? WORST EVER!

baby, i TOLD you never to call me on that number! i don't CARE if you just won Wimbledon, i'm out here trying to earn a living! now get yo ass home and make me some chicken pot pie!

it was just under a year ago when you first read about The Candy Band here on whatevs.org. now they're going national, Katie Couric stizz. Motor City Rocks is reporting that "The Today Show" is flying a crew out to The D™ to film the band during an outdoor performance scheduled on July 23rd. anyone interested in attending the show (held at Troy's Boulan Park) should drop me a line. bovs.

wrapping up the day, it's important to note that it is an extremely sad day in The Blogosphere™. yes, that's right, Damore's highly beloved, nicotine-fueled compilation of spite-filled rants known as Retrobuzz is going the way of the dodo. there have been some high-profile losses that the blogging community has endured over the last year and some change, but I'm here to make the case that the loss of Damore is akin to another person whose career trajectory was just starting to take off. that's right, bitches, i'm talkin' James Dean.

i was particularily drawn to the fact that both were rebellious outsiders who smoked like chimneys. in addish, both loved their women almost as much as they loved their drink. both were revolutionizing the way that we viewed an entire medium and, if truth be told, ultimately the way that we viewed ourselves. and yes, both were taken prematurely from our lives, leaving a void likely never to be replaced. so raise your 40 tonight and pour some Mickey's Ice out on the sidewalk in memory of Retrobuzz; where else are you going to read about nicotine patch condoms, waterford crystal dildos and getting fenderbender'd? that's right, nowhere. goodnight, sweet prince ... goodnight.

the first million is always the hardest

who knew? at 10:19:53am this very morning, whatevs.org got its one millionth visitor. i would like to thank the anonymous chap (chapette?) hailing from the Central Standard Time Zone and visiting from the domain rr.com (???) for your patronage. while I'm not much for self-congratulatory back patting, this is a pretty humbling moment for YT. and while the list of people who helped and continue to help make this site a success is long and distinguished (insert "Top Gun" reset here), i won't go into a long list of congratulatory praise here. instead, i promise to thank you in person the next time our paths cross. shmears. here's to the next mill.

i don't care if The Heff called him "a knob", i think that Andy Dick is a comedic genius. last night's debut of "The Assistant" was the best 30 minutes of television I've seen in some time. i kicked back on my couch and laughed the entire time, not really caring that I was missing the year 1991 over on MTV's sister station. i love that the show is a combination of the best (read: hokiest) moments on all of the most popular reality television shows, starting with the infamously dashboard rose ceremony made famous on "The Bachelor." it's elimination time, bitches! snip snip snip! some say must see tv. [NYT buzz via T-Muffle]

holy rack, batman! man, no wonder Tommy Mottola signed her to a "long-term" recording deal. howevs, if you ask your Uncle Grambo, she's lookin' a bit rough these days ... i'm WAY more down the new Jessica Simpson pics in Vanity Fair. fit but she knows it.

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES!!! IBM Introduces Computer Lines! get OUT! i also heard that a maverick southern gent named Eli Whitney has come up with a bold new invention, something called "The Cotton Gin" ... personally, I prefer Tanqueray, but maybe this Whitney chap is onto something!

even though your Uncle Grambo is upset to see Memo bolt outta town, i'm pretty happy with the news that The Pistons are going to resign Rasheed Wallace. in addish, to fill the void left by Memo's departure, Joe D convinced the injury-riddled Antonio McDyess to sign a 4 year, $23 million deal with the team to serve as Sheed's backup. while i'm not exactly convinced that this is going to play out to our liking, I do know that The Jazz overpaid for Memo and that Dumars has a history of playing the free agent market like a Stradivarius.

my spidey sense says that "Spiderman: The Musical" is going to SpideySuck! i don't care that Julie Taymor is attached ... did you SEE "Titus"? WORST SHAKESPEARE ADAPTATION EVS! made "10 Things I Hate About You" look like Olivier's "Hamlet"!!!

gotta love when a local resident of The D™ gets some national props. local writer extraordinaire (and FOW) Chris Handyside gets some props from MTV News in anticipation of his upcoming White Stripes biography. St. Martin's Press is releasing "Fell In Love With A Band" this September ... so best!

i missed this one upon its original release a few weeks back but caught up with it last night. Rebecca Traister composed an an excellent feature on Patti Scialfa over at Salon.com, dubbing her (and I quote) "the one with the best ass in rock 'n' roll." definitely worth investing the time to get a Day Pass.

pop, pop, pop that THANG!

have you HEARD the new Christina Milian jawn, "Dip It Low"? talk about mmmmmBEST, it is seriously giving B's "Naughty Girl" a run for its money as Sexiest Single of `04. Sasha Frere-Jones pulls off his most intense floor routine of verbal backflippery evs when talking about the full length LP: "I don't mean to blaspheme, but this is what 'Dangerously In Love' was trying to be ... Holy. Fucking Shit ... the ballads all sound like the scene in 'Alien' when everybody wakes up outta the pods, which is what all R&B ballads should sound like." i said god DAYUM! looks like the iTunes Music Store is gonna be getting another $9.99 from your Uncle Grambo tonight! [via Nick Catchdubs]

while "Anchorman" is full of tasty cameos that I won't spoil for you, "Freaks And Geeks" fans out there will want to keep their eyes peeled out for appearances from Seth Rogen (who played Ken on the show) and Dave Allen (who played Mr. Rosso, the guidance counselor). even the head "F&G" bigwig, Judd Apatow (exec producer), is totally revealed! still, nowhere as hott as the reoccuring cameos by Michelle TrachtenHottness on "Six Feet Under" ... oh my gaw.

caught the first installment of "I Love The `90s" yesterday while sprawled on the couch suffering from quite the hangover. can't say that I was impressed by the pundits' commentary on 1990. something was just missing, and it took me almost 24 hours to come up with a suitable analogy. fortunately for you, it just hit me (pun intended). when thinking of this episode, i recall famed longball hitters like Rob Deer and Dave Kingman; while these batters were armed with legendary power at the plate, they just never quite learned that you can't try to hit every single ball out of the ballpark. instead of swinging for the fences and brutally striking out, occasionally a nice Texas Leaguer will do. knowwhatimsayin? so Hal Sparks is kinda like Rob Deer and Michael Ian Black is kinda like Dave Kingman; for every speedball that gets hit into the proverbial lights of The Kingdome, there's a whole lotta whiffin' goin' on.

trouble on the set of "Superman." while last Thursday brought word that McG was wooing Scarlett Johansson, Johnny Depp and Shia LaBeouf to appear in the film, The Hollywood Reporter (via Defamer) is now reporting that the hyperspastic director of both "Charlie's Angels" films is now off the project after clashing with the studio over where the film was to be shot. Variety reports that Warner execs wanted to save some $$$ by filming in Australia, but Joseph McGinty insisted that the film be shot in NYC. developing... [thanks to Beat Royalty for the Shia scoopage]

Slate sends a MILF to compete in a beauty pageant. if they really wanted an interesting story, they should've sent Emily Yoffe (pictured at right) to the Valley and into gonzo amateur porn. put a pair of glasses on her and WHAM! you've got yourself the perfect lead for a teacher / student fantasy. "Stay after class for detention, big boy" ... hubba hubba!

Wired on bloggers who suffer burnout. looks like Damore is next in line. quitting a blog is the new starting a blog.

as previously discussed, i spent the last nine days in a self-imposed hiatus from either writing or reading blogs. believe it or not, I actually found myself missing the witty witticisms of my favorite members of The Blogosphere™. though by no means a comprehensive list, here are some recent posts from bloggers that I particularily enjoyed reading, people who YOU should be reading on a daily basis:

• if there's one writer who has absolutely been at the top of their game lately, it's Gijyun of Gideon's Bible fame. what kind of mad genius has the balls (proverbially speaking, natch) to follow up a post detailing a conversation between Dr. Octavius and Dr. Octagon with a heartfelt ode to alcohol called "Enter Le Weekend"? ridiculous buzz revealed.

• apple-cheeked hottie Lindsay Lohan Lindsayism takes a stand against the aptly named "crazies" and removes comments from her blog. a bold stand, indeed. while your Uncle Grambo has always been a proponent of having a public response mechanism available to the FOW Nation, i've heard many a story (particularily from members of the female species) about particularily nasty and brutish anonymous comments that have appeared on their sites. so big ups to Lindsay for her epic decision, yo. (EDITOR'S NOTE: This is where my gal Zulk will pipe up to inform us that A) she has a website, too but B) it's not a blog and C) it's never had comments so what's the effing big deal?)

• while I've never been particularily fond of the city of Boston, I can't say that those same feelings hold true for Trixie and The Fesser. especially when this dastardly duo of virtually incomparable hottness are laying on the complements REAL thick-like. can't wait for our next rendez-vizz at The Other Side Cafe. shmears.

• "...we don't recall a column comparing Scottie Pippen's refusal to come off the bench during the final seconds of that playoff game against the Knicks to Rosa Parks' unwillingness to move to the back of the bus..." — T-Muffle in yet another genius rant against The NYT.

• The Thighmaster dreams of Lindsay Lohan ... priceless.

• while a fair number of media outlets have reported on the return the Alternative Nation, i'm not sure i've read a more succinct or impressive recap than the one written by Jason over at 1115.org.

vacation's all i ever wanted

9:30am — wake up to the sound of the ocean roaring outside your window and brush the sleep out of your eyes.
10am — roll downstairs for a kickass brunch spread that would make Nero jealous.
11:30am — arrive poolside / oceanside and put in an order for the first corona of the day.
11:30am - 6pm — read. sleep. swim. drink. bake. ogle. (EDITOR'S NOTE: not necessarily in that order).
7pm — enjoy a well-deserved, post-shower grey goose & tonic.
7:30 - 10:30pm — relax with a few cocktails over a leisurely dinner of scrumptious seafood.
11pm — kick back with a post-dinner cigar and fall asleep in the warm glow of a port-induced buzz.

rinse and repeat. yep, that was pretty much my schedule every day from July 3rd to July 9th. quite simply put, i arrived back in Detroit after a week on the beach in the most relaxed and comfortable mood that i've been in since sophomore year of college (not coincidentally, the last time that I went to Kiawah Island). i spent an entire week doing absosmurfly NOTHING other than marinating in 95 degree weather. i didn't check either my personal or work email account. i didn't blog, nor did i read any blogs. i didn't read a newspaper or really even watch tv. i just spent the week drinking good drink, eating fine eats, and kicking it with the `rents. as someone who has returned from every vacation that they've taken in the last 10 years more tired than when they left, your Uncle Grambo HIGHLY recommends investing one week of your vacation time cold kicking it beach stizz. trust me, it's good for the soul.

over the break, i managed to rock through five books ... i haven't read that many books in that little time since my days in Ann Arbs. if you're keeping score at home, here's the list (in chron order): Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris, Gasping For Airtime by Jay Mohr, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (second time), A Scanner Darkly by Philip K. Dick and Hotel World by Ali Smith. my pick for Best Book O' The Bunch was easily Hotel World, so I'd like to throw some big ups the way of JJ* for the recommendation. in addish, if you ever make it down Charleston way, i suggest that you make some rezzies at the restaurant called S.N.O.B. - their grilled BBQ tuna and peach cobbler are so totally TD4. mmmmmBEST! and before I close out my Kiawah rant, I'd like to thank both my parents and The Olsen Twins for making the first week of July 2004 a week to remember. shmears.

wait, on second thought, i take all of that back. spend your vacation money on a trip to the UK. a recent study by Company magazine reveals that raunchy British girls indulge in high-risk sex and booze marathons when they go on summer holiday. when used in combination, I'd be hard pressed to come up with three more glorious words in the lexicon than "raunchy British girls", especially when accompanied by details like this: most guzzle five weeks worth of liquor in seven days. i like those odds! HOLLA!

let's see, what happened while I was gone. well, Courtney Love apparently gave herself a Franz Ferdinand, a Cameron Diaz S&M video emerged, Britney's nip slipped, John Kerry picked John Edwards to be his running mate and my girl Maria SharaBESTa won WimbleBest. i'm sure that other things happened, but these were the hott topics of convo at the Fiesta de Retrobuzz on Saturday night. sadly, no pictures were taken that evening, but that's likely for the best. the cops showed up (TWICE!!!), someone puked orange stuff all over the front porch and we danced like dancing fiends to Franz Ferdinand and Modest Mouse (in an irony-laden fashion, obvs). ain't no party like a Damore party cuz a Damore party's got Sparks. bovs!

as if there were any last lingering doubts as to whether or not John Mayer is a total douchenozzle, the latest edition of Esquire reveals that Mayer recently racked up a $1,500 worth of phone sex calls on his AMEX card.

congrats go out to Fluxblog and Large Hearted Boy for getting their propers in a recent Reuters piece on the explosion of MP3 blogs. both are daily visits for your Uncle Grambo, so it's good to see that their buzz continues to build.

NEWS FLASH FROM MTV! "Anchorman" apparently owes a debt of gratitude to "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" ... get out! no way! TOTALLY REVEALED! when this year's Pulitzer's are announced, I'll be god damned if Karl Heitmueller doesn't get recognized as this generation's Woodward or Bernstein. where was The WaPo when this story broke? someone call DRUDGE!!!, this story is gonna blow the pants off Abu Gharib! but seriously folks, isn't this story altogetherly obvs or am I just an old curmudgeon? i mean, it's one thing to acknowledge the brilliance and genius that was Ted Knight's performance as Ted Baxter on "MTM", but Heitmueller plays it like the world's biggest reveal evs. i mean, didn't you even notice that Ron Burgundy's dog was named Baxter? uh, HELLO!?! i mean, a REAL reveal would've been that Steve Carrell based his character's performance on Ralph Wiggum (memo to aspiring journalists everywhere: you read that one here FIRST, bitches!).

regardless, go see "Anchorman". like, now. stop reading this blog and quit your day job, Jack. some say best comedy since "Wet Hot American Summer" ... ferreals.

finally emerging from a five year funk after being dumped by Milla Jovovich after the colossal failure that was "Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc", Luc Besson is back and it appears that Naomi Watts is going to be his new Anne Parillaud. look for "Daisy Scarlett: Semper Occultus" to hit screens sometime in 2006. [revealed by Beat Royalty]