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Friday, July 23, 2004
ever feel like you're not quite fulfilled with life? do your days drag on endlessly, only to reveal knock down drag-out bouts with insomnia late into the night? do you ever get that "not so fresh" feeling? if you've answered "yes" to any or all of the above, i'd bet you dollars to donuts that you're suffering from Retrobuzz Withdrawal (either that or a mad case of the White Stripes!) ... thankfully for all of us, I was able to persuade everyone's favorite bitter
No Buzz List - 7/23/04
5) Fiancé In English, there a million different words to describe the exact same thing. Why is there only one word for the person to whom you're engaged to be married to? And god forbid you slip up & refer to your fiancé as your girlfriend. I'm about to set out to create a new word, because the alternatives 'spouse-to-be', 'significant other', 'life-partner', 'girl in the on-deck circle' just don't cut it. And damn it, there will a masculine & feminine version, because it's too tough to pick one word that is strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a woman. Homer to Flanders: "I recently had sexual relations w/ your spouse or life-partner." mmmm ... Maude. Ephing French, go genese les croix yourselves!
4) NASCAR Movies ESPN will be gracing the world w/ a made-for-tv movie celebrating the sporting life of Dale Earnhardt Sr, who ironically died in a car crash. I don't mean to desecrate Dale's grave, just his 'sport' career. ESPN is the king of sports networks. Explain again how NASCAR is a sport? Driving cars -- if it were a sport, there wouldn't be so many fat people in The D™, would there? And if he was such a good driver, why then did he die while driving a car?
3) "Nip / Tuck" Actually, I like this show alot, & it's tough to follow-up Season One. However, after Gina hosted a 'baby lottery' (credit: So Sayeth The Peabs) a couple weeks ago, nothing can follow that up suitably. Way to go FX. Hope you got extra strength viags or cialis, because you just happened upon the 'hott & legal' asian sorority bang-a-thon w/ "Deadwood."
2) "Alien vs Predator" From Davis Entertainment, you know, the folks who blessed us w/ "Garfield: The Movie", "I Robot" and "Paycheck" -- all worthy contenders for the bent Coathanger award at next year's Abortars in Bahkalle, Franzferdistan. I know it's trendy to pair monsters on-screen after last year's "Freddy vs Jason", but this is possibly the dud of the year, "Catwoman" notwithstanding. I'd like to see a movie like "The Making of Godzilla: The Movie vs The Making of Soldier: The Movie". Horror or comedy -- Horrmedy? Coincidence, director Paul WS Anderson also shot "Soldier", possibly the worst movie of the 90's.
1) Writers who use ANY of the following:
posted by uncle grambo |
Thursday, July 22, 2004
hey, look at us! we're LES hipsters AND we shop at Target! um, er, well, we don't ACTUALLY shop at Target and most certainly would never really be caught dead there, but we got invited to this cool opening of a new Target store in Brooklyn and, like, who can turn down free drinks? you know what would be cool? we should totally take pictures of ourselves and Chloe Sevigny and Maggie Gyllenhaal with our thousand dollar digital camera looking all detached and hip and pretty, you know, art project style. i envision something faux bold and pseudo deep about American consumer behaviour and culture. but, you know, it's important that we look all serious in these photographs and we have to all SWEAR to each other that we don't crack a smile, because it would kind of ruin the illusion. dig? i don't know about you guys, but i feel more fucking cool and ironic and worldly tonight than i have in months! now let's go blow some rails in the employee break room! [pic via Slower.net from a photo essay over at Gawker]
actually, you know, those photos are pretty rad. no offense to Mr. Lockhart Steele (on the left) or any of his cohorts in the photograph, your Uncle Grambo isn't into playa hating. i have actually met Lock on several occasions and traded emails with him and have always found him to be an incredibly stand-up dude. these comments are in no way to be attributed to him as AN ACTUAL PERSON (or his friends), but more so to them as ART SUBJECTS. does that make sense?
truth be told, I found myself feeling sick to my stomach as I looked at these photographs (and especially after reading some of the comments on Slower: "I think you should sell this one as a print. I'd buy."). clearly, these people have never been to a Target in rural America. people there aren't wearing ironic smiles (let alone shoes that probably cost over $500); that look you're seeing is actually closer related to whether or not they can afford to buy toilet paper this week. just so you know, i'm all for youthful and/or artistic expression; in addition, your Uncle Grambo would never DREAM of being considered an art critic (not even by the WILDEST stretch of the imagination), but I could literally feel the smugness eminating through my computer's monitor when i saw these photographs. no buzz.
UPDATE (2:58pm): For more on this subject, you should definitely check out Sac's take. for the sake of accuracy in reporting, it's important to note that he / she / it scooped your Uncle Grambo by posting this story yesterdizz. a few choice quotes: "Nice try, bots, but pretending to be stunned in front of an end-cap of Clorox while cradling drinks and cigarettes does not in any way distance yourselves from the mindless consumerism this event is pretending not to celebrate"; "Most disturbing is this photo depicting the steele-bot and two unknown bots in front of shelves of milk. The white backlighting is Kubrickian. Did you catch that? Kubrickian. Christ, I fucking rock."
okay, time for your Uncle Grambo to get off his soapbox. i've always found the best way to accomplish that is to throw up an embarrassing picture of Brit Brit! like, unless you're Michael Phelps, i see no plausible explanation for wearing goggles in a pool. DURST!
despite the rumours that had been flying around town that he was going to be shopped off to the Lakers, it looks 99% certain that Rasheed Wallace is going to return to play with the Pistons next season. sources put the deal at $57 million for five years. congrats to Joe Dumars for making sure this big fish didn't get away, ensuring that the Pistons (along with the Pacers and the Heat) will remain as one of the top teams to beat in the Eastern Conference next year.
when you go to a concert, don't be THAT guy. if you are in need of further clarification, The WaPo recently listed a number of "those guys" that you most certainly do not want to be (reg req'd). examples include The Requestaholic and The Reckless Smoker. anyone who goes to live concerts will appreciate the truth behind the humor in this piece. [via WaltWalt]
open question: how many feline puns can one squeeze into the lede of a "Catwoman" review without going too far? well, if you're The New York Post's Lou Lumenick, the answer is three. check it: "Apurr-fectly ridiculous and boring cat-astrophe, “Catwoman” more than lives up to the lethal advance buzz and — even with Halle Berry cavorting like a third-rate dominatrix — is about as sexy as a hairball." what's the matter, Lou? couldn't figure out a way to work in something about losing all nine of your lives? or were you too busy taking a "cat nap"? pun INTENDED, mofo! holla!
more fashion trends revealed, this time for the female of the species. "Flats are great for girls because all the cutest, funniest boys are always short." riiiiight.
flashback to Mt. Pleasant, circa October 2000. The Grizz is a staff writer at CM Life and Big Matt is a DJ at Central Michigan's college radio station. the two come together like peanut butter + jelly in this piece entitled Wake Up! Big Matt and Dave aim to electrify your morning. totally revealed!
despite being a huge Michael Mann fan, your Uncle Grambo hasn't exactly been looking forward to "Collateral" ... the trailers are weak, Jamie Foxx and Mrs. Will Smith have never done it for me and, well, Tom Cruise as a baddie? sounds like a recipe for disaster, right? WRONG-O! my man Jeffrey Wells gave the film some much needed positive buzz in yesterday's "Hollywood Elsewhere" column, describing it as such: "There hasn't been an urban crime movie this pleasurable in a long while. It may not be steak, but it's definitely grade-A hamburger ... On visual terms alone, COLLATERAL is instantly one of the all-time great L.A. movies. Charles Bukowski used to talk about the "stink of L.A.," and you can almost smell it off Dion Beebe and Paul Cameron's photography." BUZZLES!
you know how everyone
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
so, you thought swilling
UPDATE (11:56am): what's even trashier than having an uncle named
those Bush daughters sure are a couple of saucy vixens! while my heart still belongs to Babs, Jenna caused quite the stir yesterday by sticking her tongue out at press photogs. you know what they say about girls who stick their tongues out, right? they love sex! yes, it's true! in fact, if you REALLY want to know the truth, girls who stick their tongues out actually love UNPROTECTED sex ... with strangers ... while wearing wrestling masks ... and watching "CSI: Miami"! swear!
speaking of The Beltway, Ana Marie Wonkette just landed a plum gig reporting from the Democratic National Convention for MTV News. congrats, yo. say hi to Gideon for your Uncle Grambo, will ya? shmears.
great, this is just what i needed. hopefully those of you coming in from out of state for my Birthday Bash won't be eaten by coyotes. yep, you read that right ... COYOTES are taking over the suburbs of Detroit. the city of Livonia recently captured thirteen of the buggers ... and here i thought those packs of stray dogs that roam the streets of Hamtramck were bad enough, now we have ACTUAL freaking coyotes? no buzz!
The Sports Guy delivers an epic column today, unleashing his Vengeance Scale on an unsuspecting world. the least vengeful moments get ranked with a 0.0 (Rocky Balboa beating up Tommy Gunn) to a grand score of 10.0 for the most vengeful (Keyser Soze in "The Usual Suspects"). worth printing and reading at your leisure, it's too long and too good to read on your computer screen.
i got into an debate this weekend with someone on how that blonde chick on "The Munsters" was actually related to the family. i could've SWORN that she was their daughter, while my cohort insisted that she was their niece. guess who was right? if you guessed Uncle Grambo, go back and take your pop culture proficiency test again. TV Land reveals niece status ... DURST!
finally, an important memo to all of you New Yorkers who frequent this site. stop whatchur doin and get on the horn with The Dopeman, pronto stizz! you better get your reservation for Michael Caine dvds in now because there's gonna be a shortage this weekend ... that's right, Scary-Kate gets back from her extended stint in rehab this weekend and you can bet that she's gonna chop and snort some MONSTER (Munster?) rails! bring plenty of bovs, New Yorkers, cuz those tees will be screaming for it. SCHMOBVS!posted by uncle grambo |
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
this may sound like the most idiotically obvs statement of the day, but wow, movies sure are expensive in SoCal! during my trip out to Hell-Ay this weekend, we managed to hit the world-famous ArcLight for a matinee screening of "The Notebook", Sunday afternoon stizz ... much to my surprise, TIX WERE $14 EACH! are you effing kidding me? i've never seen a matinee for anymore than $6.25 around these parts. and, get this ... THEY ASSIGN MOVIEGOERS SPECIFIC SEATS! totally revealed! when purchasing your tix, the pimply-faced teenager behind the counter asks if you'd like to sit in the front, middle or back of the theater. your tix are then printed with a specific row and seat number. whoah, the whole ordeal was pretty intense for a simple Midwestern boy like myself (don't EVEN get me started on the traffic!)
that being said, the theater was amazingly tigs (aside from the 60 degree angled staircase, that is ... some say more tiring than climbing Whiteface Mountain!) and really delivered its money's worth. an usher introduced the film to the audience and, in a nice touch, even cracked a few jokes. it's been rumoured that they have dedicated ushers that show you to your seat, but they weren't revealed on Sunday afternoon. there were no commercials before the picture began (take THAT, Star Southfield!), and the quality of both the picture and its sound were top-notch. and although I had my doubts about this unabashedly chick flicky feature going in, it turned out to be a very high-quality as far as chick flicks go. both Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams turn in wildly charismatic and highly believable performances, turning your standard "poor boy meets rich girl" script into something that really connects with the audience. while Gosling is always best, i was particularily impressed with the range that Rachel McAdams showed, especially coming off her one-trick pony perf as Lindsay Lohan's chief rival in "Mean Girls" ... on the strength of her work in "The Notebook", your Uncle Grambo is expecting big things from her in the future. some say definite star power revealed.
memo to Brit Brit's Love Rat Fiance, Kevin FederDurst: when meeting a girl's parents, you generally want to avoid looking like a coke-snorting unemployed dancer, ESPECIALLY when you're actually a coke-snorting unemployed dancer IN REAL LIFE! duhvs.
just because he's my brother doesn't make the following any less accurate: The Grizz turned out one of the better articles I've read in a newspaper in a L-O-N-G time when his story on the tenuous relationship between politics and pop culture ran in last Saturday's Detroit News. definitely a must-read, yo. congrats, dude.
lots of goings-on in Ann Arbs these days. and I'm not tawkin' bout Art Fair, Willis. first off, some dude dressed in a Superman costume jumped into a stranger's car and started a brawl. say WHUT? some say craziest thing to happen in Ann Arbs since some dude broke into C. Friggs and Uncle Grambo's plizz across from Bell's and partied with us on our porch (NOT to be confused with the night that U. Grambo passed out in Bell's for 90 minutes, shmears). secondly, the Ann Arbor City Council is considering placing a ban on couches that exist on front porches ... say it ain't so, yo! their reason? they claim it's a fire hazard! what a bunch of nazis, here's hoping that UMich students fight the power! [links via So Says I and Ann Arbor Is Overrated, respectively]
if you're not watching "The Assistant", what the eff is your problem? somehow, the show manages to walk a perfect tightrope between spoof and homage. proof positive that the real stars of reality television are the producers and the editors.
even though neither one of them had enough guts to pop the question, it's still pretty hott to see a photo with both The Real Janelle and Jen Daily Refill competing for the attention of Death Cab frontman Ben Gibbard. congrats, ladies!
things I learned by spending 15 minutes with The Metro Times this afternoon:
more than you ever wanted to learn about the marketing of the new Steve Winwood LP. man, just give me a Bartles & Jaymes, a rocking chair on a wooden porch and a little "Back In The High Life Again" and your Uncle Grambo is one happy camper ... so best. shmears.
"My real point is that I suspect (NASCAR) is very popular among young girls, the French and the gays you here so much about these days that to me are virtually indistinguishable from the before mentioned French." President Martin Van Buren on this weekend's Dale Earnhardt Jr flameout.
Defamer is reporting that Kirsten Dunst and Jake GyllenBestEver are Splitsville.
why didn't anyone clue me in to the fact that untucked shirts are "out"? according to Choire Gawker, "Unless you're a stick-figure, pleated pants and an untucked shirt MAKE YOU LOOK REALLY, REALLY FAT. Hell, even if you're emaciated, it just makes you look like retard reject from 'The O.C.'." ferreals?posted by uncle grambo |
time is tight today. please forgive the scattershot approach to both quality and thematic consistency. cheers!
file this one under "Who Knew": London's Guardian newspaper sends their travel reporters to Detroit Rock City and they come back with rave reviews! The D™ ... so best, so underrated, so effing hott.
Franz Ferdinand leads the list of Mercury Prize nominees. in a shocking development, organizers have announced that the award ceremony is going to be sponsored by Planned Parenthood and will be held in a dingy, back alley somewhere in Manchester.
"I listen to it as much as I listen to anything still. It's pretty pathetic." Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers, admitting that he listens to his own band more than anything else. hey kids, can you say EGOMANIAC? hopefully your Uncle Grambo isn't alone in suggesting that Flowers spend less time masturbating to his own music and instead focus his energies on hiring some decent roadies. first, there was the 45-minute delay / flame-out at Coachella and now his amp catches fire? DURST! all that being said, I still heart the record the mostest.
some bird named DJ Sassy claims that she's got a better ass than Kylie Minogue. from the look of these pictures, your Uncle Grambo agrees.
Lindsay Lohan's got jungle fever. well, at least on screen, where she'll be teaming up with Nick Cannon in an upcoming romantic comedy. kind of a risky career manuever, n'est-ce pas? this unconventional affair will be an interesting barometer of how "progressive" teens are these days.
Joe Carnahan ("Narc") has quit / been booted off (depending on who you believe) the upcoming "MI:3" project Sources cite "creative differences" as the reason for the departure. can't believe that guy is still coasting off of "Narc" buzz, that shit was SO Toronto Film Festival 2002!
in other big budget film news, Bryan Singer has replaced McG and will helm the upcoming "Superman" fiasco. worst, Singer ("The Usual Suspects", "X-Men") hasn't had buzz since Spacey was revealed as Keyser So Best. the only way this flick is going to turn out watchable is if Singer purposely tries to out-gay Joel Schumacher's work in the latter Batman flicks.
in conclusion, please take the time to turn to ABC tonight at 10pm EST for their airing of "NYPD 24/7" ... the focus of tonight's episode is the on-going investigation into the tragic and unsolved murder of Burke O'Brien, which occured on New York's Lower East Side just over a year ago. the family contacted whatevs.org as a means to help build exposure for this program, which hopefully will lead to new clues and information for the police to investigate. for more information, check out yesterday's NY Post and today's Gothamist. i wish the family the best during this difficult time.posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, July 19, 2004
good morning, my fine feathered FOWs. well, actually, good afternoon is more appropriate ... i just got back from a completely best ever of all-time weekend in Los Angeles. while I was supposed to arrive back in The D™ at approximately 7:30 this morning on the red-eye, some pre-flight mechanical problems with da plane pushed my arrival time back until about 10am this morning. i'm not really sure what the mechanical problems were, as I was dozing off listening to The Long Winters and enveloped in an ultra luxurious "Soul Plane" inflatable pillow. believe you me, you haven't really traveled in style until you've broke out a purple pillow. Sinbad would've been proud. bovs.
this morning's delay has put a slight cramp in my planned schedule for the day, so I'll put together a recap and a tiny dose of PHC for y'all later on this evening. howevs, i'll whet your collective appetites for PHC with a review of Saturday night's Morrissey / Killers show from the legendary Nummer. but before i go, i'd just like to take a quick second to thank my lovely hosts for their hospitality and for making this weekend so incredibly best evs ... big ups, hotties.
okay, without further ado, enjoy. catch y'all on the flipside.
posted by uncle grambo |