i am tiger woods

while I was supposed to be out of the office all day attending The Buick Open, unfortunately i got corralled into putting together a few slides for a presentation that our upper management is presenting on Monday. luckily for you, i finished the slides quickly and was able to put together this glance at what's going on in the world today. my loss is your gain. shmears.

weaving together "Donnie Darko", rum-fueled self-analysis and Michael Stipe resets, Ultragrrrl strikes gold with a brilliant post explaining the parallels between one's relationship with albums and friendships. great work, Sarah ... and for all you playa haters out there, it's no secret that I heart UltraOlsen the mostest, so leave your comments about "wanting to get in her pants" to yourself. bovs.

okay, whoever out there is raiding my dreams needs to stop right quick. you're creeping me out! i shit you not, I was dreaming about Vincent Gallo just last night (for reasons that will soon become obvs) and then BLAMMO! my all-time dream interview gets published today: Jeffrey Wells talks to Vincent Gallo about "The Brown Bunny." GENIUS!

calling all LES Hipsters! Daily Roundup is reporting that Chuck E. Cheese is set to open in Brooklyn! i can't wait to see the inevitable photo spread of coked-out, slack-jawed blogstars playing skeeball and / or pics of greasy pepperoni slices being gazed upon sardonically.

i don't know who Kari Sullivan is, but i sure as hell like her!

not sure how you feel, but your Uncle Grambo is a firm believer that any news about Rammstein is good news. this update comes courtesy of this week's PopBitch: "The Pet Shop Boys have remixed Rammstein's new single, Mein Teil, which means 'My Cock'. The song is about the recent cannibal case but written from the viewpoint of the dying man. The chorus goes, 'You are what you eat / And you're eating my cock.' The video has torture scenes and a bandmember killing an angel after a blow-job." dude shmears, it doesn't GET any hotter than germanic / satanic death metal videos about getting blowjobs from angels and then offing them as a tribute to cannibalism ... er, not so much.

The Freep reports today that Tree Town (aka Ann Arbor) is being overrun with people who prefer brawling to boozing. even worse? the students aren't even back in town yet! developing...

there seems to be a lot of blogger buzz building these days around The Shore. Karen Plus Sparks has been a vocal advocate for the band, comparing them favorably with both The Verve and Doves. definitely gonna have to check out their album when it drops next week. i also have it on very good authority that a Los Angeles based band called The Like are gonna blow up somethin' fierce in the not too distant future. they'll soon be on tour as the opening act for Phantom Planet, catch em if you can.

say your prayers and eat your vitamins, Mean Gene! approximately four months after whatevs.org profiled her as a rising star, our good friends over at MTV.com have discovered Brooke Hogan (daughter of The Hulkster, natch). look for the Nigel Dick directed video for her first single, "Everything Is Me", to begin airing soon; her debut album drops on September 21.

aspiring bloggers take note, there's enough celeb dirt and photographs over on the N Sync Message Board to supply you with PHC for weeks. for instance, take these pics of Claire Danes looking all ravishing and shit. or, might I suggest these snaps of Brit Brit looking all pizza faced and shit. BOVS!

it appears that your Uncle Grambo isn't the only one on Wonkette Watch. despite being heavily hyped for landing a role as an MTV correspondant at the DNC, I have yet to see any of Ana Marie Wonkette's reports from the convention make the airwaves (and I watch MTV almost exclusively these days). but then again, i don't think that bears any relation to the quality of her work; I haven't seen any MTV News spots air in weeks (months?). thankfully for us, the Left Coast Outpost of The Denton Cabal pointed us towards a schedule of when Wonkette's features will appear on air. let's just hope that she doesn't unleash any more Crackberry resets while on air; that shit is TIRED. (SEMI-RELATED EDITOR'S NOTE: Is it just me or is anyone else noticing an increase in the number of times when one of Denton's sites references another Denton site as a "source"? methinks there's a fine line between heavy petting and heavy handed self-promotion, yo).

there's beauty in the breakdown

riding high with all kindsa critical acclaim and Sundance buzz, "Garden State" hits theatres in New York and Los Angeles this weekend (it hits Royal Oak's Main Art Theatre on August 6th, I believe). while your Uncle Grambo was initially wary of the buzz, I caught a trailer for the film before "The Notebook" a few weeks ago and was sufficiently floored. howevs, i came out feeling a little mixed about Zach Braff's directorial debut after a screening at Star Southfield last night.

although DetNews film critic Tom Long compared Braff's work to Woody Allen last night, i think a comparison to Wes Anderson would be more appropriate. both recognize and understand the value in setting up a scene and ensuring that the details are pitch perfect; they also share an affinity for inserting semi-haunting, acoustic rarities (Nick Drake stizz!) into montage scenes. however, when comparing the work of the two, Zach Braff's directorial skills come off as the equivalent of fat-free salad dressing; the flavor is recognizable, but you definitely find yourself missing the richness (extra calories ALWAYS equal extra buzz in my book).

but don't get me wrong, I'm not dogging the flick by any means. there were some beautiful shots, some fantastic scenes and (comparitively speaking) an abundance of thought-provoking dialogue. it's definitely one of those films that you want to talk about and analyze afterwards with a few close friends. in addition, Natalie Portman absolutely dazzles in her performance as Zach Braff's romantic interest. she is so spectacular that you never once for a second get the feeling that she is in any way "acting", she's that natural. and her eyebrows ... some say most expressive ever! bonus points to Braff for revealing lingerie-clad swimming pool buzz.

you're not welcome here

I can honestly say that I've never been happier to be a Detroiter than I am at this very minute. Franz Ferdinand just released the schedule for the next leg of their North American tour, tentatively titled "The Back Alley Coat Hanger Challenge Tour." and yes, you guessed it, there's no Detroit date!!! seemingly all of the negative publicity that Damore and your Uncle Grambo have unleashed on these no talent ass clowns has paid off in spades. what good is moving 379,000 copies of your album if you can't even set foot in Detroit Rock City without the fear of getting hit in the face with rotten tomatoes? what a bunch of effing tourists! [via The Grizz]

did anyone else catch Gov. Jenny From The Block's speech at the DNC last night? was it just me or wasn't anyone paying even the SLIGHTEST bit of attention to her? nice flop job, Grannie, now the only way you have to gain buzz is to become Obama's baby's mamma. bovs.

all Detroit, all the time. in today's DetNews, the lovely and talented Melody Baetens raves about The Buddha Lounge, which has long been one of your Uncle Grambo's favourite places to get sloshed. mmmm ... sake bombs.

keeping with the theme, "American Idol" runner-up / future heffer Diana DeGarmo took a nasty spill and got injured during a recent stop in G. Rap. yodel atcha boi!

wow, i'm talking about Michigan more than Sufjan Frickin' Stevens. time to change my pitch up and ask the tough questions. is President George W. Bush taking powerful anti-depressant drugs to control his erratic behavior, depression and paranoia? is Ben Affleck gonna tap some potential First Daughter ass? is "The Village" M. Night Shyamalan's "best film yet" or "a genuine clinker"? and can you sink any lower than inviting a shark attack victim to your movie's premiere as a means of publicity? all answers will be revealed in due time, my fine feathered FOWs. all in due time.

My Blog Is Poop takes on one of the greatest debates of our time — what's better, hooking up at your place or "on the road"? i don't know about you, but any post that works in a reset of San Diego Padres' second baseman Mark Loretta achieves instant classic status in my book. and, for the record, your Uncle Grambo is a big fan of the road game. shmears.

how do i love thee?

let me count the ways. obvs, I'm referring to Jann Wenner and the good people at Rolling Stone! taking heed to the sage advice of Uncle Grambo after last issue's Doonesbury durst-acle, the good folks over there have decided to make Lindsay Lohan their next cover subject. sometimes, you gotta take stock in your life and your work and recognize that it's time to get back to the basics. you know, devote some time to thinking what made you so obvs in the first place. in the case of RS, the only thing they really excel in anymore is convincing hott teen actresses to pose in skimpy outfits ... and gaw bless 'em for that, yo. quick, now we need to come up with a good lie that The Thigh Master can tell his employers as to why he's going to be, *cough*, OUT OF THE OFFICE for the next 7-10 days. shmears. [via Scott Stereogum]

if you prefer women who are a little more, um, "ripe", your Uncle Grambo would like to point you towards these NSFW yet extremely hott pics of Jennifer Aniston in a thong bikini. fit but she knows it. unfortch she's not sporting any bikini bling, that's the TRU hottness.

in case you hadn't heard, it's National Orgasm Week. uh, according to my records, that's EVERY week. each week that passes without the requisite amount of tees being bovs'd upon is totally Bunkasaurous Hives. obvs!

seacrest (officially) OUT! riding high as recently as January, his star has slipped faster than Joe Namath's tongue when Suzy Kolber is in the house.

what the eff is going on over at Doner these days? y'all better better take some time over the next few days to dust off and update your curriculum vitaes, cuz heads are gonna roll. the agency was rocked a little over 10 days ago when news broke that Arby's was dumping the Southfield based ad agency after a 17-year relationship. buh bye, Oven Mitt. and now, news has broken that the new Six Flags ad campaign isn't resulting in increased foot traffic. while I love that crazy geriatric dancing maniac and share his obsession with The Vengaboys, i'm sure that the corporate honchos at Six Flags aren't crazy about a 4% drop in attendance. let's hope that they can do a better job with Circuit City, yo. [Six Flags buzz via The Backer]

Ashlee Simpson moved 398K units of her debut album to land at #1 on this week's Billboard charts. this number tops anything her sister has ever done and reaffirms the star-making power of MTV. for more details, check out Coolfer's thoughts on the matter (always one of my fave Wednesday reads).

in celebrity drug news, Donatella Versace is off to rehab for excessive blow consumption and Kimora Lee Simmons got busted for pot possession after cops pulled her over for driving recklessly.

"Head Of The Class", so best. ever wondered what happened to Dennis Blunden? not surprisingly, he's still fat. another ex-TV star who's been kicking back with a few too many pints of Chunky Monkey is Marcia Marcia Marcia (aka Maureen McCormack, pictured at rizz). lay off the dessert, yo!

someone get Tom Ridge on the phone, we need to ratchet up that National Security Advisory Warning! Beck and Jack White have collaborated on a song which will appear on Beck's forthcoming LP. somebody grab me a stack of coat hangers ASAP! [via Damore]

even Oscar The Grouch is less trashy

even though your Uncle Grambo hasn't been talking about it, Brit Brit has unflailingly continued her inevitable march towards being the Trash Princess of FranzFerdistan (aka Mayor of Bahkalle) over the last few days. for instance, she gave a SFW balcony blowjob to her Skanky Love Rat Fiancé in front of the `razzi on saturday. on sunday, she wore a t-shirt bearing the following expression: I'm A Virgin (But This Is An Old T-Shirt). yesterday, she reverted back to a fashion lowpoint, circa 1996, when she busted sweatpants with one leg rolled up. good gawd.

Wonkette Watch! curious as to how MTV cub reporter / blogstar Ana Marie Wonkette is dressing during the DNC? The WaPo reveals all! apparently, she was warned by her MTV superiors not to "look like a grown-up", so she's busting a white T-shirt, jeans, black jacket and Converse sneakers. um, hello WaPo writer, WE NEED MORE DETAILS! we want BRAND NAMES here, people! but i guess we did get the nugget that she's wearing Converse sneakers. what's THAT all about? i mean, it'd be one thing if she busted some Converse Weapons (Bird or Magic stizz, preferably), but my bet is she's rocking Chuck Taylors. no buzz on those shoes since at LEAST 1986. bovs. [via Romenesko]

seacrest out! out of the closet? maybs. out of a job? soon enough. out of hair gel? NEVER!

some Motorola cellphones will soon be packaged with iTunes. okay people, cellphones have officially gone too far! what's next, will people play video games on their phone? sheesh. at the rate we're going, pretty soon cellphones will be able to take pictures! that's when i'll reach for my revolver, Moby stizz.

Matt Groening revealed that an episode of "The Simpsons" next season will revolve around gay marriage. will it be Smithers? Patty or Selma? Comic Book Guy? developing!

Billionaire developer Philip Anschutz is planning to build the West Coast equivalent to Times Square in Los Angeles. located outside of the Staples Center, the plan includes several new concert venues, along with retail and restaurants, a theater multiplex, hotels, broadcast facilities, corporate offices, condominiums and other developments. buzz!

celebrity trendspotting: special report!

i'm paraphrasing Andy Dick circa "Old School" here, but it seems like the hottest trend for celebrity starlets these days involves minding the stepchildren. or, for those of you not literate in film references, the ladies are all about grabbing a fistful of bozack. or, for those of you not down with EPMD resets, chicks everywhere these days seem to be grabbing their men by the balls ... literally!

it all began with Brit Brit grabbing a fistful of her Love Rat Fiance's nuts sometime during the middle of last week. not a single prognosticator out there predicted that this seemingly random act of durstosity would spiral into a full-blown trend, but now that the normally classy and reliable Uma Thurman is getting in on the act, I guess it's safe to say that UPS isn't the only outfit specializing in grabbing packages anymore. within days (if not hours), I'm sure that some headline hungry starlet like Bijou Philips will get plastered and launch into grab mode when some equally irrelevant C-lister like Vincent Gallo crosses her path. you heard it here first, kids ... DEVELOPING! [Uma pic courtesy of K8T]

George Lucas reveals the name of the new Star Wars flick: "Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge Of The Sith." somebody wake me when its over, Longwave stizz.

who else besides T-Muffle would ever DARE to reset The Beautiful South in the name of a post? answer: no one. read "Old Red Eyes Is Back."

The Real Janelle interviews the highly buzztastic band known as Sea Ray for the newly launched Gothamist Arts section. so obvs!

color me jealous. Defamer sends a correspondent to cover the Hollywood launch party of "The Assistant" ... despite the fact that Andy Dick is best, the party seemed to be kinda worst. this description aptly sums up the event: "Probably the most notable people in the crowd were the doppelgangers, who garnered just as much attention for looking like someone famous, as those who actually on the C-list did. Our favorite doppelganger was the Skeet Ulrich clone--but let's not confuse him with Johnny Depp's doppelganger, who wouldn't have been caught dead at this event." regardless of that fact, tonight's episode is gonna be mmmmmmBEST! 10:30pm ... seems so far away.

every week here at the posh and luxurious offices of whatevs.org, dozens of Piping Hot stories are left on the cutting room floor. it's not for a lack of buzzworthiness, it's mostly b/c your Uncle Grambo simply runs out of time. so, in the interest of providing quantity over quality, i've decided to gather these stories up from time to time (bullet stizz, natch) and bring the thunder. here goes nothing!

• The Grizz reviews the new Jimmy Buffett jernt for The Detroit News and calls it "...more Nashville than Margaritaville."

• if the threat of man-eating sharks and used condoms weren't enough to keep you out of the ocean, maybe this will change your mind: Rogue waves that rise as high as 10-storey buildings are far more common than previously thought. scientists once thought these waves occured once every 10,000 years; whoops, turns out they occured 25 times during a recent three week stretch! but really, the only reason this story is noteworthy is because Limeys still insist on calling stories "storeys" ... with the lone exception of The Stone Roses and their "Ten Storey Love Song", i say no buzz.

• Nick Catchdubs is an underrated comic genius. take, for instance, this recent Will Smith reset: "But on a serious note, where was the unthreatening pop-rap song from Legend of Bagger Vance? 'We playin golf, we playin golf. Come on and do the golfy-golf. Tiger Woods, y'all...'"

• i love it when bloggers ask the big questions. for example, Brigita recently asked the following: "Can anyone enlighten me as to 'bovs' relationship to 'tees?'" ... if you REALLY want to know, i'm sure that Peabs would be glad to demonstrate. robvs.

• blogger THW recently commented that Ana Marie Wonkette appears to have been influenced by whatevs.org. can't say that your Uncle Grambo has ever been in direct contact with this blogstar extraordinaire, and I don't know if she even peruses this site, so I can't comment either way. well, except to say that i'm awesome. which should already be obvs to anyone who's ever read this site. shmears!

• while we're on my favourite topic of conversation (me!), Christopher Monks recently name dropped your Uncle Grambo during a post that fetishizes the beauty of Kirsten Dunst. according to my man C. Monks, his recent trip to the cinema to catch "Spiderman 2" made him realize that while "she's been hott for a while now, now she's like h-o triple t hottt." while I won't disagree, I'm still sticking with my girl Bynes. obvs.

• and finally, My Blog Is Poop recently reset the Top Three Disappointments In His Life: Sega CD, the Nintendo Power Glove and his gay son. if this site hasn't made its way into your daily rotation of blogstops, you're missing out.

terror starts at home

wow, anybody else get their proverbial socks knocked off by last night's episode of "Six Feet Under"? the more i think about it, the more i love it. privately, i had been complaining that the show had jumped the shark (and maybe it still has), but something about last night's episode rekindled the hottness that I once felt for the series. back when the show first debuted, my favorite plotlines always revolved around the ominous and tumultuous relationship between Nate and Brenda; your Uncle Grambo has always been drawn to the destructively tragic yet undeniably best gravitational pull that exists between the couple. it's good to see their worlds lining up again. and while I've never really been a big Claire fan, i think that the show's writers have done an excellent job with her character this season. it's really good to FINALLY see the sun peek through the clouds and start shining on her, mainly due to the influence and introduction of Mena Suvari's character.

even with its ups and downs through the years, one place that "Six Feet Under" has always excelled has been in their depictions of drug use. pot played a major part in the first two seasons of the show, but kind of went away last season as Nate attempted to become a responsible and respectable parent. there was also a memorable episode in season one when Ruth accidentally took some E during a camping vacation with that crazy Russian florist (I think), but last night's group sing-along to Death Cab's "Transatlanticism" was oh so perfectly realized and totally best ever. when Claire and her art school friends began to sing "I need you so much closer" in unison while under the influence of some E type substance (UPDATE: I've been informed by Peabs that it was AMT, natch), it was definitely one of those moments that gives you the chills. not as memorable as the group sing-along to Aimee Mann's "Wise Up" in "Magnolia", but then again, what is? i don't know about you, but I'm glad that "Six Feet Under" is back ... best.

as three dozen bloggers descend on Boston to cover the Democratic National Convention, The New York Times proclaims 2004 to be The Year Of The Blog. while the influence and appeal of blogs continue to grow, at least one prominent politician isn't impressed. Martin Van Buren, our nation's eighth president, slams both the Times ("still no Kinderhook Free Press circa 1820") and the blogger community. "Fo real though, if I wasn't 222 years old and dead, there's no way I'd have time for a blog, not with all the fly hotties out and about." have truer words ever been spoken? methinks not.

UPDATE (11:35am): congrats go out to Martin Van Buren for securing a highly flattering endorsement from the good people at Flak Magazine. I quote, "Forget Atrios, turn off your Daily Kos and tell Wonkette I don't want her MTV. The political blog of the 2004 election is kickin' it extremely old school — The Wit and Wisdom of Martin Van Buren. Amazingly, our eighth president can wonder not only about the political changes since his time, but also whatever happened to Kool Moe Dee."

despite Van Buren's objections, I can't find fault with The Old Gray Lady. i mean, other than The Palm Springs Desert Sun (circa 2000 when The Grizz was in charge), what other paper BESIDES The Times dares to prominently features Princess Superstar in their Sunday edition? and it's not the first time, either. mmmmmBEST!

Tom Long, film critic at The Detroit News, interviews local-girl turned indie movie star Judy Greer. livonia roots revealed ... who knew? i dunno your thoughts on the matter, but she's definitely got some underrated sexy buzz. IMHO, she's got the whole "tall, thin, sorta geeky but take off the glasses and let the hair down and WHOAH!" market cornered.

bad news for fantasy footballers out there in keeper leagues ... Miami Dolphins star running back Ricky Wiliams pulls a Barry Sanders and retires just days before training camp is due to start. sorry Peabs, looks your "God Created Gangbangs" squad is getting effed in the a on this one. (EDITOR'S NOTE: for all whatevs.org FF2K5 participants who frequent this site, look for an official statement from Tha Commish to be issued this week.)

Everything you ever wanted to know about "Donnie Darko." [via Gawker]

following such memorable and highly successful campaigns as "Blue Light Always", "The Stuff Of Life" and "Right Here. Right Now", K-Mart is looking to freshen up their image. new logo revealed! too bad it still sucks monkey paws.

once again proving that Chicago girls do it better, Zulkey one-ups the LES Hipsters who frequented the opening of Target last week by shedding light on some other equally high profile grand openings of chain stores.

new Luna jawn set to drop in Shocktober. the album, titled "Rendezvous", will feature tracks such as "Rainbow Babe", "Motel Bambi" and the HIGHLY promising "Cindy Tastes Of Barbecue" ... could the final track be "WHAS" inspired?

easily the best headline of the day: Gay Channel Coming Out with Cumming Project. has anything ever been more obvs? (EDITOR'S NOTE: the headline has since been changed to "Gay Channel Coming Out with Cher, Cumming Projects" ... someone on the Reuters editorial staff must've gotten fired.)

there's a new teaser trailer online for "Meet The Fockers" ... you heard it here first, your Uncle Grambo is predicting that this will be the most disappointing sequel evs. some say even worse than "Analyze That"!