but i don't FEEL tardy

so i walk in the office this morning more than a little hungover, right? i mean, what kind of lame ass loser spends the last night of their twenties folding laundry? actually, i was thisclose to doing that very thing last night, but fortunately Coach Glinka was able to convince me to do otherwise. consequently, we went out and got HAMMERED. so hammered, in fact, that i ordered something at Taco Bell THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST! somehow i ordered a chilito, which according to ChiliCheese.org, hasn't been on the menu since 1995!!! but guess what ... they made it for me anyway! that, my fine feathered friends, is the power of buzz.

but i digress. so i walked into the office this morning and noticed that the security guard was looking at me kinda funny. which is cool, i suppose ... i do look a little tore up. as stepped out of the elevator and strolled over to my luxurious cube, i noticed something look different. namely, THERE ARE PICTURES OF ME ALL OVER THE WALLS with taglines like "Thirty & Flirty." and by "all over the walls", i really mean "all over the entire building"; in the bathroom, in the copy room, on everyone's computer, everywhere. i'm fairly mortified, especially considering i'm drunk and / or drinking in every photo (see below). ah well, thems the breaks.

anyway, i turn 30 today. in the words of my friend Liz, that makes me "an old ass mother fucker" ... robvs. i could say something really eloquent about the passing of time and the importance of milestones, but i'll keep it relatively simple. i feel INCREDIBLY blessed and WILDLY fortunate to have such an incredibly supportive base of family and friends, a group of people who have always there for me. i'm looking forward to seeing a lot of you this weekend (you'll have to forgive me in advance for the repeated hugs, i tend to get a little emotional on my birthday ... those of you who were in attendance for last year's birthday bash will attest). i thank each and every one of you for your love and support, yo. respek.

party on, y'all. i'll be back on monday. bovs on YOUR respective tees. natch.

chords for change

reprinted below is the extremely eloquent and moving op-ed piece by Bruce Springsteen that appears in today's New York Times.

Chords for Change

By BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
Published: August 5, 2004

A nation's artists and musicians have a particular place in its social and political life. Over the years I've tried to think long and hard about what it means to be American: about the distinctive identity and position we have in the world, and how that position is best carried. I've tried to write songs that speak to our pride and criticize our failures.

These questions are at the heart of this election: who we are, what we stand for, why we fight. Personally, for the last 25 years I have always stayed one step away from partisan politics. Instead, I have been partisan about a set of ideals: economic justice, civil rights, a humane foreign policy, freedom and a decent life for all of our citizens. This year, however, for many of us the stakes have risen too high to sit this election out.

Through my work, I've always tried to ask hard questions. Why is it that the wealthiest nation in the world finds it so hard to keep its promise and faith with its weakest citizens? Why do we continue to find it so difficult to see beyond the veil of race? How do we conduct ourselves during difficult times without killing the things we hold dear? Why does the fulfillment of our promise as a people always seem to be just within grasp yet forever out of reach?

I don't think John Kerry and John Edwards have all the answers. I do believe they are sincerely interested in asking the right questions and working their way toward honest solutions. They understand that we need an administration that places a priority on fairness, curiosity, openness, humility, concern for all America's citizens, courage and faith.

People have different notions of these values, and they live them out in different ways. I've tried to sing about some of them in my songs. But I have my own ideas about what they mean, too. That is why I plan to join with many fellow artists, including the Dave Matthews Band, Pearl Jam, R.E.M., the Dixie Chicks, Jurassic 5, James Taylor and Jackson Browne, in touring the country this October. We will be performing under the umbrella of a new group called Vote for Change. Our goal is to change the direction of the government and change the current administration come November.

Like many others, in the aftermath of 9/11, I felt the country's unity. I don't remember anything quite like it. I supported the decision to enter Afghanistan and I hoped that the seriousness of the times would bring forth strength, humility and wisdom in our leaders. Instead, we dived headlong into an unnecessary war in Iraq, offering up the lives of our young men and women under circumstances that are now discredited. We ran record deficits, while simultaneously cutting and squeezing services like afterschool programs. We granted tax cuts to the richest 1 percent (corporate bigwigs, well-to-do guitar players), increasing the division of wealth that threatens to destroy our social contract with one another and render mute the promise of "one nation indivisible."

It is through the truthful exercising of the best of human qualities - respect for others, honesty about ourselves, faith in our ideals - that we come to life in God's eyes. It is how our soul, as a nation and as individuals, is revealed. Our American government has strayed too far from American values. It is time to move forward. The country we carry in our hearts is waiting.

Bruce Springsteen is a writer and performer.

where's A.J. Cook when you need her?

i'm a little bit rattled this morning. i was all ready to chalk it up to the unusually stressful week that i've had so far (work has been INSANE, not to mention the whole "turning 30" thing is starting to sink in) until the events of this AM.

you see, your Uncle Grambo didn't exactly get what one would call a "good night's rest" last night. despite turning in around 1:15am, I don't think that I dozed off until sometime closer to 4am (maybe I should've downloaded ironic ringtones?). when I did finally enter Dreamyville USA™, i had this AWFUL nightmare about getting in a car crash on the way to work. usually when I'm stressed out, I dream that it's Final Exam day and I'm wandering around The Diag and I haven't been to class in months and I'm totally unprepared to take a test and SHIT, I don't know even know what room I'm supposed to be going to!!! but not this time, in this dream I'm late for work and I'm rushing onto the expressway at I-75 and 11 Mile Road and I begin heading north to work and then WHAM. car crash, dream ends.

flash forward to about 7:45am when my alarm first goes off. guess what they're talking about on the radio ... a 78 car pile-up ON THAT VERY SAME STRETCH OF ROAD!!! total "Final Destination 2" stizz (only I don't think that anyone died)! creepy con carne, yo ... has anyone else experienced increased powers of perception upon nearing their 30th birthday?

anyway, all that is basically a long-winded speech explaining the reason why i'm going bullet stizz this morn. oh, and as a penance for delving too far into my personal life, please enjoy this outtake from Lindsay Lohan's Vanity Fair photo shoot with Mark Seliger (courtesy of The Superficial)...

• big ups to MotorCityRocks.com on their new redesign. shit looks tight, yo! and while you're there, check out Mr. Gary's review of "Go For Glory", the new album from The Prime Ministers.

• if there's ONE author on the planet who would make me seek out a 6,000 word piece on "lobster-cide" in Gourmet magazine, it's David Foster Wallace. [via Romenesko]

• it's called overkill, people. look it up. ABC has cast Jen Schiff as the next "Bachelorette". dude, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want Andrew Firestone's sloppy seconds. not to mention the fact that "The Apprentice" was railing her silly for a few weeks! talk about your reality sleaze mistresses, I also heard she had a three-way with Keith Famie and Gervase (and by "heard", I really mean "I just made that shit up, pass it on")!

• and in news that's sure to please Coach Glinka, Ralph "Don't Call Me Ralph" Fiennes has been cast as Voldemort in the next "Harry Potter" flick.

• in case you missed "Nightline" wsg Bruce Springsteen last night, here's a transcript of Ted Koppel interviewing The Boss.

• can anyone confirm whether or not Matthew Barney shot Bjork's new album cover? v.v. creepy and v.v. twisted. i love it. when's "The Cremaster Cycle" going to hit DVD? [via Scott Stereogum]

• mama, don't let your babies grow up to be Cowboys Cokeheads. Dallas Cowboys QB Quincy Carter released after word breaks that he's a MAJOR blowfiend (allegedly). this news is sure to ratchet up Drew Henson's position in a lot of fantasy drafts.

• upon learning that Thailand is secretly training an army of "super ape warriors", President Martin Van Buren immediately issued this statement: "If there was ever a time for pre-emptive war, and there isn't, this would be it." truer words have never been spoken, especially in such close proximity to a Yul Brennan reset. bovs.

but lately there ain't been much work on account of the economy

BEST NEWS EVER! no, not the fact that the medicinal marijuana bill was passed by Detroit voters yesterday (although that's pretty bovs). what I'm REALLY talking about is the news that Bruce Springsteen and R.E.M. are going to play a joint concert in Ann Arbor on October 3rd in support of MoveOn.org! the only thing keeping it from being my dream bill is the absence of a reunited Verve, but i'm not about to go complaining! some prominent musicians have mobilized themselves into a tight-knit group and are throwing concert / fundraisers in early October in key swing states as a means to try and knock the Bush administration from power ... so much buzz! some say a Saturday roadie to Toledo for the Pearl Jam and Death Cab show might even be in the cards! Bruce Springsteen will be appearing on "Nightline" with Ted Koppel tonight to promote and discuss this legendary bill ... so best! if anyone snags any pre-sale buzz, please let your Uncle Grambo know ... shmears! SO SO BEST! [via Big Matt]

on a related note, ConnieNYC and myself have been trading emails on the tour this morn. upon learning of the A2 gig, Conrad was wondering why John Fogerty wasn't booked to play the CCRB. i told him it was because The Bartonians were also reuniting that night, and he retorted with the BEST REVEAL EVER! remember Brother Rabbit, those douchebags who played frat parties for beer money? well, they've relocated to NYC and are now calling themselves Noba! i strongly suggest that any and all NYC-based Michigan alums go to their show at Arlene's Grocery this Saturday night and heckle the shit out of them. WORST! (EDITOR'S NOTE: This post will likely make sense only to those people who were living in Ann Arbor circa 1993 ... sorry!)

in the long and storied history of wildly pretentious questions, this has got to take the cake: "At what age did you first read Kafka?" then again, this question IS lifted from the latest edition of The Paris Review (not exactly a pub for plebes, yo). maybe Maud or Sarah or Lizzie or JJ* can enlighten me as to whether or not this is a standard question to ask an author. like, is Haruki Murakami as sick of answering this question as Nikki Kidman is of answering whether or not her ex-husband is gay? (Bonus Revelation: dude, Murakami is a DUDE!!! even though I read the "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle", i always thought he was a chick. REVEALED!)

if there's one thing that you can say about George Clooney, it's that he has exquisite taste in women. take, for instance, recent reports that he's back together with Lisa Snowdon. best tees evs? probs. i'm sure that Miss Monica Belucci would beg to diff, but she's off the market until after she has her baby. shmears.

Is Kid Rock back with Pammy Anderson? spies for The Post report there's been some recent canoodling buzz.

two full days after your Uncle Grambo reported on the matter, Sharon Waxman of The NYT finally gets around to talking about the Vincent Gallo blowjob billboard on the Sunset Strip. but then again, I can only imagine the disarray in the newsroom after Sunday's breakthrough, 1600 word piece on men's underwear. those kinds of stories don't just grow on trees, people!

while I'm calling out journos, i hope that someone at Page Six is reading this today. while your Uncle Grambo found this story about Andy Roddick's potty mouth to be quite intriguing, your reporting left something to be desired. you reported that Roddick unleashed "You are a [bleep]ing [bleep]head, you know that" to Roger Federer during their post-match handshake on Sunday, but what does that mean? i mean, at least give us some clues! for instance, was there any alliteration used (fucking fuckhead, cocksmoking crackhead)? is Roddick a creative swearmaster (masticating coffeehead, defenestrating sharpiehead)? enquiring bloggers demand to know!

Anna Nicole Smith: Wardrobe Malfunction (pretty much SFW). i'm not sure if this can actually be considered a parody. however, i AM sure that whatever you call it, the joke is more stale than that loaf of bread that's been sitting on your counter for the last six months.

D12 to make a horror movie. no word yet on whether or not it's a documentary of the making of their first two records. ooooooh SNAP!

memo to Kegzies: yeah yeah yeah, your Uncle understands that using the term "jump the shark" has itself jumped the shark. but the recent announcement that 50 Cent will appear on an episode of "The Simpsons" next season practically begs for a Fonzie reset. while a cameo from 50 is forgivable considering the rich history of the series, I think you might change your mind after hearing a plot synopsis: "In an episode titled "Pranksta Rap," Bart sneaks off to attend a rap concert, featuring 50, without his parents' permission. When Homer and Marge realize their son is missing, he fakes his own kidnapping to avoid punishment." as Sideshow Bob would say, "YYYUUUUUUYYY!" (post stepping on a rake, natch).

i don't know who this person is or what constitutes a "cewebrity", but one thing is clear. your Uncle Grambo certainly likes reading his name in print. UPDATE (12:58pm): Cewebrity and Will Leitch got together and posted some sort of blog-ranking index, based upon numbers gleaned from Alexa traffic rankings. Can't say that I've ever heard of this Alexa company before (apparently they're a division of Amazon.com), but me likey! whatevs.org is currently holding pat in the Top Ten ... buzz revealed!

dude shmears

Vincent Gallo ... ALWAYS talked about, ALWAYS controversial. yesterday was the single biggest traffic day in the history of whatevs.org, all thanks to "The Brown Bunny". thanks to everyone who promoted the piece, and thanks to everyone who commented. bovs on all of your respective tees. snatch. now on with the PHC...

i don't like either one of these decisions. whose bright idea is it to cast Eric Bana as Bond? gimme an effing brizz, the novelty of Aussies wore off for me when Nicole Kidman won an Oscar. and can someone point me in the direction of the frickin Rhodes Scholar who decided to turn the new Batman movie into a "Seven Years In Tibet" sequel??? your Uncle Grambo needs to have a word with him / her / it. when he's not making movies that go backwards, Chris Nolan has buzz negativo. if he was half as obvs as he thinks he is, he would've renamed himself Nalon Sirhc by now. "HEY, look at me. I'm a Hollywood director and I make backwards movies!" Well la-dee-frickin-da, douchebag! YOU BLOW!

i'm gonna go on the record and say that Jude Law hasn't had buzz since "Gattaca" ... "Sky Captain"? "A.I."? "Cold Mountain"? "Road To Perdition"? bitch PLEASE! i hope for all our sakes that the rumour that he's angling for the lead in a proposed Ian Curtis biopic is just that, a rumour. the only person whose got a more impressive track record of being Worst Ever is Kelly Preston (save "Jerry Maguire", obvs).

lest you think that i'm anti-Hollywood, I discovered some hott movie buzz that's guaranteed to get your motor revvin'. Kiera Knightley has accepted the lead role in "Domino", a film described by the Hollywood Reporter as "an action thriller based on the true tale of a model-turned-bounty hunter." Tony Scott is attached to direct Richard Kelly's ("Donnie Darko") script, which is said to include flashbacks, flash-forwards and characters from "Beverly Hills 90210" ... mmmmmBEST!

since when did The Miz become a photographer? check out these snaps of Real World Coral in a bikini ... makes me say "UHHHHHHH" (ta na nah naaa!).

nothing worse than a sore loser, especially when "said" sore loser is old, slow, fat and durst. The Grizz reports that on "Hot In Here Part 5", a new mix tape from California-based DJ Vlad, Shaq disses Detroit Piston center Ben Wallace by lobbing out a "spider web head" bomb. fall back Shaq, the last time that the Miami Heat had any buzz was when they drafted Glen Rice, yo. so many threes, so pure.

hey baby, you can bump, set and / or spike your Uncle Grambo whenever you'd like.

this will be good news to at least one FOW: Shockeys & Durstman is in some financial trouble after losing almost $30 mills last quarter.

contrary to what Page Six thinks, Brandon Tartikoff is still dead. he'll always be a hero to me, if only for his appearance on that very special episode of "Saved By The Bell" ... dude shmears.

the brown bunny ... REVEALED!

it all began with three frantic voicemails from The Grizz last Wednesday evening, promising breaking news of the Best Ever variety. after your Uncle Grambo completed some very important business, i returned his call and quickly discovered that the urgent and excited tone in my brother's voice was entirely justified ... Vincent Gallo driving a print of "The Brown Bunny" into town for a super exclusive screening and we made the invite list!!!

yes, that "Brown Bunny" ... the one that legendarily debuted to wild jeers and almost rapturous boos at the 2003 Cannes Film Festival. the one that Roger Ebert called the worst film in the history of the world (and inspired a legendary Page Six war of words). the one that infamously features Chloe Sevigny giving Gallo an full-on beejer. the one that inspired Lisa Schwarzbaum to proclaim "no one in America will ever see one frame of this film." the one that your Uncle Grambo never thought he'd get a chance to see.

wrong-o! a small indie distributor called Wellspring has picked up the North American distribution rights for the film and will release it into a few theatres in NY and LA on August 27 (it hits Detroit in early October). as part of the marketing campaign for the film, Vincent Gallo is driving a print of the film around the country, by HIMSELF (!!!), and showing it to critics and fans. thanks to the industry connections of The Grizz, we managed to get on the invite list for the 5pm Sunday afternoon top-secret showing, being held in a fancy screening room in an office building in Southfield.

there ended up being about 20 people in attendance, mostly local industry types like Real Detroit film critic Corey Hall. i'll save my actual review of the film for another time, but suffice to say it made "Gerry" look like "Armegeddon" ... that's not to say that the film wasn't interesting and with its merits (because I thought it was actually pretty rad), it's just that it's REALLY SLOW. as for the heavily hyped hummer, all there is to say is that yep, that's Chloe up there on the big screen giving Gallo's character a blowjob. you see everything there is to see, save any minding of the stepchildren or visuals of le petit mort. however, it's an incredibly UNSEXY scene, closer to terribly depressing than visually arousing (in a good way). all in all, i say the film is definitely buzzworthy and should be seen by anyone with more than a passing interest in film.

while I certainly enjoyed the film, the real highlight came in the Q&A session with Gallo afterwards. i mean, i've been a fan of his for a LONG time and have seen just about everything he's ever been in, not to mention reading as many articles about the man as possible. he's always been fascinating to me as as an actor, as a writer / director, as an artist and as a personality. and he did NOT disappoint in person; he's highly intelligent, engaging and surprisingly unguarded in the way that he tells stories. you'd think that he'd be kind of stand-offish and emotionally unresponsive to people (especially journalists) after the number of times that he's been burned in the press, but nothing could be further from the truth.

he talked for about three hours after the film ... i shit you not. in that time, maybe ten questions were asked of him. despite claiming that he's shy, he's a natural born storyteller and conversationalist. and oh my gaw, does he have some INCREDIBLE stories to tell! he namedropped everyone from Christina Aguilera to Richard Avedon; he told stories about watching porn with Rick Rubin (his best friend!!!) and getting "prescription" drugs for "Noni" Ryder at a pharmacy in New Hampshire at 3:30 in the morning. he broke down the Roger Ebert battle for us (side note: even though Gallo banned him from tonight's screening in Chicago, the two are scheduled to go out to dinner together) and delighted in telling us about the giant billboard on Sunset Boulevard that he purchased WITH HIS OWN MONEY to promote the film ... he even took us out to his car afterwards to show us pictures of it that he had on his laptop (read about it in today's NY Daily News)!!! he gossiped about Kirsten Dunst, revealed that Sage Stallone was the winning bidder on EBay for his camera equipment, briefly preached about the negative consequences of national health care and called Sean Lennon "the most talented musician alive today" (he tends to lay the hyperbole on a little thick at times).

all in all, i came out of last night's screening pretty much convinced that Vincent Gallo is the coolest person alive today (and not only because he does a KILLER impression of Abel Ferrara). he's the kind of person that you really wish that you had as a friend, even if that friendship consisted solely of a phone call every six months or so. his passion for his craft is remarkable and truly inspiring, and i'm here to report that all reports of him being a narcissistic asshole could not be further from the truth (and I'm sure that The Grizz will back me up on this point). all of my expectations of what he would be like were smashed, which I guess goes to show you that you can't always believe what you read in the papers. Gallo ... so effing best.