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Friday, November 19, 2004
In response to all of the hullabaloo surrounding Information Leafblower's "Top 40 American Bands" list, your Uncle Grambo is proud to present The Grizz's altogetherly unofficial ballot. Dude SHMEARS.
THE GRIZZ'S (UN)OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
Ever stay awake at night wondering what you would look like if you were CGI'd by Bobby Zemeckis and put in "The Polar Express"? Thanks to My Virtual Model, now you can sleep soundly. Pictured at right is a virtual Uncle Grambo, sans chest hair. Creepy? Maybe. Sexy? DEFINITELY. Holla atcha, ladies. [via Zulkey]
Craig Vines has Asparagus Syndrome. Wonder if it makes his urine smell funny? Or is that just broccoli? Bovs. [via Maw]
If you were to take away the often spectacular work turned in by The Grizz, Wojo, The Angel of The Big House, Chris McCosky, Tom Long and K. Dizzy, I'm not sure if anyone would notice (let alone care) if The Detroit News folded its operations. Take, for example, the big Jay-Z tour that rolls through town this weekend. The Freep was able to negotiate and land an interview with Jigga himself, while The Detroit News was only able to cajole a quote out of Spudd, program director at 105.9 JAMZ. Why even bother anymore, Detroit News?
Claire Zulkey's blog features an excellent interview with Ben Carlin, Executive Producer of "The Daily Show."
Skeet On Mischa has just printed an advance review of the wicked anticipated Wes Anderson / Noah Baumbach jaw, "The Life Aquatic." Recognize:
Scott Stereogum has posted a link to the new Band Aid single, quite possibly the front-runner for Worst Charity Single Ever. It's so effing SARS that it makes "Voices That Care" sound like "Get Your Hands Off Of My Woman, Motherfucker."
Come on Big Tuna, don't you think it's time that you gave Drew Henson a shot at quarterbacking your pathetic team? She mars.
GO BLUE!posted by Uncle Grambo |
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Fire in the TACO BELL! Oh my gaw, I just saw the Arcade Fire with Damore and I just had 12 orgasms. All in a row, all over multiple slices of Sergeant Pepperoni's. I made sweet, sweet love to hundreds of hipsters and I screamed the name of Karen Plus Sparks with every climax. They were so good they made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches seem as tasteless as the new Wendy Case pictorial in SPIN. Ferreals, my hipster friends. I am born again ... it was like seeing Broken Social Scene before they were broken. Praise the lord, praise the red states and praise Richard Grieco.
But shmeariously folks, I really did just get home from seeing Arcade Fire at the Magic Stizz this evening. And as much as I wanted to douse haterade (or PBR, take your pick) all over their Canadian tees, they put on a helluva show. The Stick was chock fulla hipsters this evening; this observer thought there were more people there tonight than there were for the big Von Bondies record release party back in March. I say buzz. Howevs, this hottness was EASILY eclipsed by the heavy wet-yo-pants factor on display at the State Theater tonight, where The Pixies held court with 2,000 plus rabid fans. Now THAT'S education, ma.
Interested in seeing the new Ollie Stone jawn, "Alexander"?
Well, on the negative side, NY Post columnist Lou
describes star Colin Farrell's performance as "Queer Eye for the Macedonian Guy." Howevs,
the positive side, esteemed Hollywood journalist Jeffrey Wells
showers buzz on the "one undisputed highlight (of the film) ... the appearance of
Dawson's world-class breasts." Are you SHMEARS? The promise of
tees far outweighs any Lusty Leprechaun momo frenching
"Hi, I'm Kirk Douglas. Want to hear me read from my
book?" Ok, that was mean. I admit it. But c'mon, TELL ME that
be the worst book reading evs. Some say even worse than Jonathan Safran Phony!
Indie rockers ... so easy to rattle! People who can't appreciate
popular music have lots of lessons to learn about life. I'm glad that
Village Voice music critic Mikael Wood agrees. Check out the amazing analogy he draws between
Trashlee Simpsucks and Allison Moorer: "PS: If
Moorer wrote "Shadow" about living in her big sis Shelby
shadow, NO DEPRESSION would be tripping over MAGNET to praise her
show of honesty. But whatever." Ain't that the triple truth, Ruth's
Steak House stizz.
This is weird. Bowling alleys are very Midwest, while swanky
very West Coast. Hmmm, did someone forget to tell the proprieters of
Angeles celeb hot-spot Lucky Strike Lanes? Cuz they're opening "an upscale
bar-slash-arcade-slash-martini-lounge-slash-whatever" in Novi.
Manager Daren Degan talked to The Grizz and admitted that
"We hope it will be one of the biggest entertainment venues this
Chicago." Novi ... normally sans buzz, but maybe not for long.
In other local news, The DFT needs new seats, The Michigan Daily
fired a staff writer on plagiarism charges
and the famously weird whale mural lives to see another
[last item via Detroit Blog]
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Your Uncle Grambo has never pretended to be a hipster. Nor have I attempted to pass myself as an indie rocker. I'm a clean cut, Midwestern mofo who prefers his music to be teeming with hooks and catchy choruses. Give me a good song or give me death, if I may paraphrase my brah Patrick Henry. My music tastes tend to run toward the Top 40 (as any who follows this site regularly has probably noticed).
So it was a great honor to receive an email last week from the Information Leafblower, requesting my submission for the second annual installment of his much revered "Top 40 Bands In America Today" poll. The rules were simple: send in a ranked list of your ten favorite artists (be they bands, solo artists, MCs, what have you) accompanied with a short description supporting your choice to Kyle by Monday, November 15th and your voice would be heard.
Well, my fine feathered friends, I promptly sent in my list and breathlessly awaited the results (and by "promptly", I really mean "well over 24 hours late"). Well, this year's list debuted a few short hours ago with Ted Leo, Wilco and Interpol leading the charge as the best and the brightest. As I read through the extremely comprehensive list, my jaw dropped as I realized that The White Stripes had failed to make the grade! While this site has occasionally poked fun at Jack Whizz in the past, let it be known that your Uncle Grambo is a HUGE fan and full-fledged supporter of the band that put Detroit back on the musical map. I was flabbergasted, no, I was WILDLY DISHEARTENED to learn that The Blogosphere™ has completely forgotten slash ignored the contributions that the Stripes have given us this decade. What gives, yo? Are there REALLY people out there who think that Brian Wilson's unearthing of his 1960s durstosity so he can pay for a few more Triple Whipped Cream Whoppers somehow falls into the realm of musical genius? People, need I remind you that B. Wills himself shelved that nearly 40 years ago because it licked the sweat off a dead man's balls! Where's Miss Modernage when you need her? GRRRR!
In case you were curious, I printed out my full list below (along with five who JUST missed the cut). And when you're done, check out the official results over @ the ILB; Rage Kage deserves huge ups for organizing and compiling this hottness. HOLLA!
UNCLE GRAMBO'S OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR: Guster, Stephen Malkmus & Jicks, Sea Ray, Flaming Lips, Green Day.posted by Uncle Grambo |
So apparently some blogger started banging another blogger only to get dumped when another better looking blogger entered the picture. Let me summarize for you: blogfucking begat blogstalking, feelings got hurt, remorse was revealed, lessons got learned, blah blah blah. Earth shattering, I know (insert heavy dose of sarcasm about NOW). Howevs, this particular recap events that most of us got past in seventh grade was deemed worthy enough to be printed in the Paper Of Record this past weekend. People, what is this world coming to?
As you'd expect, The Blogosphere™ had something to say about this. Leading the way was Lindsay Lindsayism, who called out everyone involved (including the NYT) for propagating the Chick Lit Myth, and rightly so. So instead of your Uncle Grambo jumping on that particular bandwagon, instead I will pile on by calling out Heather Hunter (unfortunately, NOT the porn star) for her horribly titled blog, This Fish Needs A Bicycle. Come on now, lady; do you really expect us to believe that your blog was inspired by Irina Dunn's quote that "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"? Blogga please, EVERYONE knows that you just Googled that huss after hearing U2's "Trying To Throw Your Arms Around The World"! Your pretentious pose and dilapidated drivel is making me thirsty. Ferreals, don't expect a call from Kate Lee anytime soon. Worst. Blog. Ever.
"Hold on a second, Scarlett Johansson! Tino just texted me, he wants to put Frozen Embryos back together to play a party in Brian Krakow's back yard tonight. And don't suck on my neck that hard, baby ... you'll give me a hickey!"
The real news isn't that Jack White and Brendan Benson are collaborating on a new album (due out in the spring), but rather that Brendan Benson is calling MTV.com reporters on his CELL PHONE from LONDON! WTF? Dude, that's not very Detroit of you. RELATED: Krucoff pays tribute to The D™ by featuring mp3s from The Dirtbombs and The Hentchmen on his blog. Bozzle on your bovs, Crew Cut!
Bada bing! "Ni-Cole Fish" Kidman is banging Steve Bing, the billionaire film producer best known in gossip circles for leaving Liz Hurley high and dry after knocking her up. Anyone who's been following Nikki knows that while she prefers to bang black guys, she'll reluctantly tickle the pickle of a white dude so long as he's got a big
Looking for a way to make that $20 bill that's burning a hole in your pocket last for years and years? Look no further.
This just in! Waldenbooks are Waldenworst! No shit, Sherlock ... their store here in the Ren Cen blows monkeychunks. You've got a better chance finding Margaret Atwood sippin' Courvoisier with Young Buck than you do in finding her books at any of the chain's 710 stores.
"Iím just a poor manís Fran Healy. I totally look up to him." Chris Martin ... now you know how the rest of us feel, you effing student. If there were any justice in the world, Frannie would be tappin' the Gawky Bird.
Holy Katzenmoyers, Batman! Jim Tressel is claiming that Ohio State runs an "honest" program. I've got a one-word reply to that statement: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
The BCS is a fucking joke. So you REALLY believe that Utah is a better team than Michigan? That Boise State is better than Miami? Get bent, computer dweebs.
Sparty On! Despite having two of their wide receivers get arrested for bombing Spartan Village apartments, the team managed to put a whoopin' on the Wisconsin Frauds last weekend. Congratulations go out to John L. Smith ... when making a decision between going to the hospital to visit one of his freshman recruits who almost dropped dead of kidney failure or taking extra time to prepare for the Badgers, Johnny Spirit chose to watch more film. Hey Coach Smith, Lloyd Carr will be calling you from his hotel room in Pasadena on New Year's Day to thank you for it! Btw, have fun at the Motor City Bowl! SUCKERS!
Still no answers in the big mystery as to what the eff is going on with The Freep's lead music writer, Brian McCollum. Although he's contributed a few articles here and there of late, for some reason San Francisco based freelancer Tim Pratt got to interview Frank Black on the eve of The Pixies first Detroit area performance. Speaking of which, if anyone is looking for a ticket to tomorrow night's show at the State, just email me. Bozzle.posted by Uncle Grambo |
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Yo yo yo yo yo. What up, peeps? Your Uncle Grambo is back reppin' The D™ after a long weekend in sunny California. Just flew in on the red eye this morning and BOY are my arms tired!!! Good times were totally revealed over the last five days, especially considering that the area experienced some unseasonably warm temperatures (it hit 80 yesterdizz). And who else besides yours truly can say that they hung out with both both Maria Sharapova AND The Defamer this weekend? She mars all over your Powerbars.
Apologies for not having the time to recruit any of my esteemed guest bloggers fill in during my absence. I hope this picture of Erika Christensian sufficiently atones for my sins of negligence; the former bombshell crack addict from "Traffic" is lookin' totally busty AND totally busted, yo. Girl needs to step up her eye shadow game, that make up job looks like she got clocked by Ivan Drago just above her left eye (your right). But that dress sure makes you wish that someone out there is writing a "Swimfan 2" screenplay that requires tees to be revealed. Nizz.
The rest, my friends, will have to rely on bullet stizz whilst I get caught up on work. Bozzle like it's hott, y'all.