My Favorite Band Is Better Than Your Favorite Band

In response to all of the hullabaloo surrounding Information Leafblower's "Top 40 American Bands" list, your Uncle Grambo is proud to present The Grizz's altogetherly unofficial ballot. Dude SHMEARS.

THE GRIZZ'S (UN)OFFICIAL SELECTIONS

1. ANDREW WK — No one has ever been more crazed.

2. SLAYER — Reign in Best.

3. BUCKETHEAD — More like “Besthead.”

4. MARILYN MANSON — Dude, Lest We Forget. More shmears than Einstein Bagels.

5. AUDIOSLAVE — So worst, they almost have to be best. I am the highway!

6. BABYSHAMBLES — I’ve never heard one song by them, but with a name like that, they have to be best.

7. THE VON BONDIES — C’mon c’mon!

8. INSANE CLOWN POSSE — Check out these lyrics from “Thy Staleness,” from 2002’s “The Wraith: Shangri-La”: “I’m so sorry I’m stale/ but I still gotta murder your face.”

9. VELVET REVOLVER — Duff!

10. BRITNEY SPEARS — Spears is the new shmears!

All The Buzz That's Fit To Print

Read about it on the backblogs on Wednesday, see it on the front page of The Freep on Friday. Props to Makotomeme for being eerily prescient by resetting The Dead Schembechlers earlier this week.

Ever stay awake at night wondering what you would look like if you were CGI'd by Bobby Zemeckis and put in "The Polar Express"? Thanks to My Virtual Model, now you can sleep soundly. Pictured at right is a virtual Uncle Grambo, sans chest hair. Creepy? Maybe. Sexy? DEFINITELY. Holla atcha, ladies. [via Zulkey]

Craig Vines has Asparagus Syndrome. Wonder if it makes his urine smell funny? Or is that just broccoli? Bovs. [via Maw]

If you were to take away the often spectacular work turned in by The Grizz, Wojo, The Angel of The Big House, Chris McCosky, Tom Long and K. Dizzy, I'm not sure if anyone would notice (let alone care) if The Detroit News folded its operations. Take, for example, the big Jay-Z tour that rolls through town this weekend. The Freep was able to negotiate and land an interview with Jigga himself, while The Detroit News was only able to cajole a quote out of Spudd, program director at 105.9 JAMZ. Why even bother anymore, Detroit News?

Claire Zulkey's blog features an excellent interview with Ben Carlin, Executive Producer of "The Daily Show."

Skeet On Mischa has just printed an advance review of the wicked anticipated Wes Anderson / Noah Baumbach jaw, "The Life Aquatic." Recognize:

"it's good, but style wise, it's probably anderson's least cleanest film and which i mean, like editing and the camera movements. where RUSHMORE and THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS were very calculated and precise and drew directly from influences like truffuat, strugess, and renior, THE LIFE AQUATIC style wise is more in line with the earlier works of cassavetes, the italian neo realism movement of the 60s as well as the 70s italian thrillers like DEEP RED. the performances are good, in particular willem dafoe. still undecided about how much of an influence the new writer, noah baumbach had on the film, it'll probably take a second viewing ... but, it's good. not great, but not bad either. its entertaining."

MTV.com discovers Elefant a full 18 months after I first read about them on Melody Nelson Dot Com. Hell, it might have even been earlier. Buzz.

Scott Stereogum has posted a link to the new Band Aid single, quite possibly the front-runner for Worst Charity Single Ever. It's so effing SARS that it makes "Voices That Care" sound like "Get Your Hands Off Of My Woman, Motherfucker."

Come on Big Tuna, don't you think it's time that you gave Drew Henson a shot at quarterbacking your pathetic team? She mars.

Arcade Fire In The Disco!

Fire in the TACO BELL! Oh my gaw, I just saw the Arcade Fire with Damore and I just had 12 orgasms. All in a row, all over multiple slices of Sergeant Pepperoni's. I made sweet, sweet love to hundreds of hipsters and I screamed the name of Karen Plus Sparks with every climax. They were so good they made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches seem as tasteless as the new Wendy Case pictorial in SPIN. Ferreals, my hipster friends. I am born again ... it was like seeing Broken Social Scene before they were broken. Praise the lord, praise the red states and praise Richard Grieco.

But shmeariously folks, I really did just get home from seeing Arcade Fire at the Magic Stizz this evening. And as much as I wanted to douse haterade (or PBR, take your pick) all over their Canadian tees, they put on a helluva show. The Stick was chock fulla hipsters this evening; this observer thought there were more people there tonight than there were for the big Von Bondies record release party back in March. I say buzz. Howevs, this hottness was EASILY eclipsed by the heavy wet-yo-pants factor on display at the State Theater tonight, where The Pixies held court with 2,000 plus rabid fans. Now THAT'S education, ma.

Interested in seeing the new Ollie Stone jawn, "Alexander"? Well, on the negative side, NY Post columnist Lou Lumenick describes star Colin Farrell's performance as "Queer Eye for the Macedonian Guy." Howevs, on the positive side, esteemed Hollywood journalist Jeffrey Wells showers buzz on the "one undisputed highlight (of the film) ... the appearance of Rosario Dawson's world-class breasts." Are you SHMEARS? The promise of Naturelle tees far outweighs any Lusty Leprechaun momo frenching anti-buzz.

"Hi, I'm Kirk Douglas. Want to hear me read from my new book?" Ok, that was mean. I admit it. But c'mon, TELL ME that wouldn't be the worst book reading evs. Some say even worse than Jonathan Safran Phony!

Indie rockers ... so easy to rattle! People who can't appreciate popular music have lots of lessons to learn about life. I'm glad that Village Voice music critic Mikael Wood agrees. Check out the amazing analogy he draws between Trashlee Simpsucks and Allison Moorer: "PS: If Allison Moorer wrote "Shadow" about living in her big sis Shelby Lynne's shadow, NO DEPRESSION would be tripping over MAGNET to praise her unguarded show of honesty. But whatever." Ain't that the triple truth, Ruth's Chris Steak House stizz.

This is weird. Bowling alleys are very Midwest, while swanky bars are very West Coast. Hmmm, did someone forget to tell the proprieters of the Los Angeles celeb hot-spot Lucky Strike Lanes? Cuz they're opening "an upscale bar-slash-arcade-slash-martini-lounge-slash-whatever" in Novi. Manager Daren Degan talked to The Grizz and admitted that "We hope it will be one of the biggest entertainment venues this side of Chicago." Novi ... normally sans buzz, but maybe not for long. Developing.

In other local news, The DFT needs new seats, The Michigan Daily has fired a staff writer on plagiarism charges and the famously weird whale mural lives to see another day. [last item via Detroit Blog]

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

The dog VCR ate their homework. Those of you looking for the recap of last weekend's Neeson / Humble Rodent will have to wait a few more days, an electronic snafu caused the dynamic duo of Nummer and H-Bomb to scramble in search of a tape of last week's show. But following the sage words of Matthew Wilder, ain't nuthin' gonna break-ah their stride, ain't nuthin' gonna slow them down, oh no, they gotsta keep on movin! The world's foremost SNL experts (step off, Tom Shales) are ready to reveal their patented pre-show comments for this weekend's episode, which will feature Luke Wilson as host and U2 as musical guests. Super buzz on tap.

What Am I, On Crazy Pills?

Your Uncle Grambo has never pretended to be a hipster. Nor have I attempted to pass myself as an indie rocker. I'm a clean cut, Midwestern mofo who prefers his music to be teeming with hooks and catchy choruses. Give me a good song or give me death, if I may paraphrase my brah Patrick Henry. My music tastes tend to run toward the Top 40 (as any who follows this site regularly has probably noticed).

So it was a great honor to receive an email last week from the Information Leafblower, requesting my submission for the second annual installment of his much revered "Top 40 Bands In America Today" poll. The rules were simple: send in a ranked list of your ten favorite artists (be they bands, solo artists, MCs, what have you) accompanied with a short description supporting your choice to Kyle by Monday, November 15th and your voice would be heard.

Well, my fine feathered friends, I promptly sent in my list and breathlessly awaited the results (and by "promptly", I really mean "well over 24 hours late"). Well, this year's list debuted a few short hours ago with Ted Leo, Wilco and Interpol leading the charge as the best and the brightest. As I read through the extremely comprehensive list, my jaw dropped as I realized that The White Stripes had failed to make the grade! While this site has occasionally poked fun at Jack Whizz in the past, let it be known that your Uncle Grambo is a HUGE fan and full-fledged supporter of the band that put Detroit back on the musical map. I was flabbergasted, no, I was WILDLY DISHEARTENED to learn that The Blogosphere™ has completely forgotten slash ignored the contributions that the Stripes have given us this decade. What gives, yo? Are there REALLY people out there who think that Brian Wilson's unearthing of his 1960s durstosity so he can pay for a few more Triple Whipped Cream Whoppers somehow falls into the realm of musical genius? People, need I remind you that B. Wills himself shelved that nearly 40 years ago because it licked the sweat off a dead man's balls! Where's Miss Modernage when you need her? GRRRR!

In case you were curious, I printed out my full list below (along with five who JUST missed the cut). And when you're done, check out the official results over @ the ILB; Rage Kage deserves huge ups for organizing and compiling this hottness. HOLLA!

UNCLE GRAMBO'S OFFICIAL SELECTIONS

1. EMINEM — Bar none, the most relevant and influential musician of the last ten years.

2. WHITE STRIPES — Jack White proves once and for all that you don't have to necessarily look forward musically in order to be considered a visionary.

3. INTERPOL — "Antics" is undoubtedly a grower, but when it takes root, watch out.

4. THE STROKES — Don't sleep. As long as Julian and Nick stay friends, this band has got the potential to be the best American band of their generation.

5. THE KILLERS — The fact that they're a total shit live is the only thing keeping them from being another notch higher on the list.

6. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E-STREET BAND — All the indie rockers should take note, The Boss and his boys are the undisputed kings of stadium rock.

7. LUNA — Rest in peace, yo.

8. FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE — The premier purveyors of pure power pop.

9. RUFUS WAINWRIGHT — Rufus understands that when it comes to production, there's fine line between being lush and being overindulgent. What makes him great is that he's not afraid to cross that line.

10. RILO KILEY — Thanks to the raw power of Jenny Lewis' voice, they're just one great song away from breaking out of the indie rock ghetto and into the Top 10.

That Woman Needs A Blog Like A Fish Needs A Krispy Kreme

So apparently some blogger started banging another blogger only to get dumped when another better looking blogger entered the picture. Let me summarize for you: blogfucking begat blogstalking, feelings got hurt, remorse was revealed, lessons got learned, blah blah blah. Earth shattering, I know (insert heavy dose of sarcasm about NOW). Howevs, this particular recap events that most of us got past in seventh grade was deemed worthy enough to be printed in the Paper Of Record this past weekend. People, what is this world coming to?

As you'd expect, The Blogosphere™ had something to say about this. Leading the way was Lindsay Lindsayism, who called out everyone involved (including the NYT) for propagating the Chick Lit Myth, and rightly so. So instead of your Uncle Grambo jumping on that particular bandwagon, instead I will pile on by calling out Heather Hunter (unfortunately, NOT the porn star) for her horribly titled blog, This Fish Needs A Bicycle. Come on now, lady; do you really expect us to believe that your blog was inspired by Irina Dunn's quote that "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"? Blogga please, EVERYONE knows that you just Googled that huss after hearing U2's "Trying To Throw Your Arms Around The World"! Your pretentious pose and dilapidated drivel is making me thirsty. Ferreals, don't expect a call from Kate Lee anytime soon. Worst. Blog. Ever.

"Hold on a second, Scarlett Johansson! Tino just texted me, he wants to put Frozen Embryos back together to play a party in Brian Krakow's back yard tonight. And don't suck on my neck that hard, baby ... you'll give me a hickey!"

The real news isn't that Jack White and Brendan Benson are collaborating on a new album (due out in the spring), but rather that Brendan Benson is calling MTV.com reporters on his CELL PHONE from LONDON! WTF? Dude, that's not very Detroit of you. RELATED: Krucoff pays tribute to The D™ by featuring mp3s from The Dirtbombs and The Hentchmen on his blog. Bozzle on your bovs, Crew Cut!

Bada bing! "Ni-Cole Fish" Kidman is banging Steve Bing, the billionaire film producer best known in gossip circles for leaving Liz Hurley high and dry after knocking her up. Anyone who's been following Nikki knows that while she prefers to bang black guys, she'll reluctantly tickle the pickle of a white dude so long as he's got a big dick bank account. It doesn't even matter if they're (allegedly) gay!

Looking for a way to make that $20 bill that's burning a hole in your pocket last for years and years? Look no further.

This just in! Waldenbooks are Waldenworst! No shit, Sherlock ... their store here in the Ren Cen blows monkeychunks. You've got a better chance finding Margaret Atwood sippin' Courvoisier with Young Buck than you do in finding her books at any of the chain's 710 stores.

"I’m just a poor man’s Fran Healy. I totally look up to him." — Chris Martin ... now you know how the rest of us feel, you effing student. If there were any justice in the world, Frannie would be tappin' the Gawky Bird.

Holy Katzenmoyers, Batman! Jim Tressel is claiming that Ohio State runs an "honest" program. I've got a one-word reply to that statement: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

The BCS is a fucking joke. So you REALLY believe that Utah is a better team than Michigan? That Boise State is better than Miami? Get bent, computer dweebs.

Sparty On! Despite having two of their wide receivers get arrested for bombing Spartan Village apartments, the team managed to put a whoopin' on the Wisconsin Frauds last weekend. Congratulations go out to John L. Smith ... when making a decision between going to the hospital to visit one of his freshman recruits who almost dropped dead of kidney failure or taking extra time to prepare for the Badgers, Johnny Spirit chose to watch more film. Hey Coach Smith, Lloyd Carr will be calling you from his hotel room in Pasadena on New Year's Day to thank you for it! Btw, have fun at the Motor City Bowl! SUCKERS!

La La Land

Yo yo yo yo yo. What up, peeps? Your Uncle Grambo is back reppin' The D™ after a long weekend in sunny California. Just flew in on the red eye this morning and BOY are my arms tired!!! Good times were totally revealed over the last five days, especially considering that the area experienced some unseasonably warm temperatures (it hit 80 yesterdizz). And who else besides yours truly can say that they hung out with both both Maria Sharapova AND The Defamer this weekend? She mars all over your Powerbars.

Apologies for not having the time to recruit any of my esteemed guest bloggers fill in during my absence. I hope this picture of Erika Christensian sufficiently atones for my sins of negligence; the former bombshell crack addict from "Traffic" is lookin' totally busty AND totally busted, yo. Girl needs to step up her eye shadow game, that make up job looks like she got clocked by Ivan Drago just above her left eye (your right). But that dress sure makes you wish that someone out there is writing a "Swimfan 2" screenplay that requires tees to be revealed. Nizz.

The rest, my friends, will have to rely on bullet stizz whilst I get caught up on work. Bozzle like it's hott, y'all.

• Check out the beautiful new fountain in Detroit's Campus Martius area. Some say best tribute to Peter North evs.

• So the big surprise guest at last night's Shortlist awards were Eagles Of Death Metal. Some say worst "surprise guest" since SPIN decided to roll out Nick Zinner as their secret DJ during their Coachella afterparty. Dude, I am so glad I didn't waste my precious last few hours in LA going to that back alley abortion of an awards show. TV On The Radio? Bitch please. Give me Vanessa Carlton or give me death.

• I guess one thing the Shortlist Awards had going for it was the fact that no one got stabbed.

• Amputee Porn revealed, Playboy stizz.

• RIP, ODB. Blowing rails for two days straight ... not as much fun as it used to be, apparently. Spring forward.

• Kanye West pulls a Zoolander. Better than pulling a Homer? TBD.

• JEW + Liz Phair = my new all-time favourite song. Well, at least in theory. Haven't heard this jawn yet. Is it the hottness?