Bigmouth Bighead Strikes Again

Bitch Al-Bomb. Still short. Still durst. Still trying to coax some buzz out of "The Five People You Meet In Heaven", ABC stizz. Memo to Anne Sweeney: Real smart move, sunshine. I mean, who WOULDN'T bump the nation's highest rated TV program for some schmaltzy crap from the nation's most overrated journo? Oh yeah, that's right, nobody would! EEEDIOT! As for Bitch, diehard fans can swing by Hockeytown and catch his new play. Some say the first time "new play" and "Hockeytown" have ever been mentioned in the same breath. Nice venue, ballsniffer. What's next, a one man show at O'Toole's? WORST!

The Michigan Daily lists their Top 50 Albums Of The New Millenium. RELATED ... sorta: Largehearted Boy runs down his Top 10 of 2004.

What's the only thing worse than running into a pissed-off, penniless Mike Tyson in a dark alleyway? Running into a pissed-off, penniless and totally coked out Mike Tyson in a dark alleyway. Schmobvs.

Giving Detroit Blog a run for his money, Detroit Funk explores the old United Artists building downtown. You know, the one with all of the funky paintings in the window? I say buzz.

Here we go again!

Susan Orlean reveals her reading habits to our gal Zulk in the 111th Zulkey.com Interview: "I'm on an Indian and Asian fiction kick at the moment - gorgeous stuff that reminds me of Faulkner in its complexity, which thrills me. I read lots of junky magazines for fun, and I do read the New Yorker avidly." What, no blogs? B-O-R-I-N-G!

Frank Chromewaves <3's Ride. S/FJ doesn't <3 Eminem. [first item via Leaf]

"On Top Of Old Smokey, All Covered With Peabs."

And finally, details have FINALLY been revealed as to the post-parties that Tara Reid, Kid Rock and Sir Gay Federov hit last night in Ann Arbor. Credit The Cutie That Waitresses At Thanos, via an email from my slice Data What. HUMMER Limos and East U. house parties TOTALLY revealed, yo. Witness the quickness:

------------------------------
FROM: Data What?
TO: Uncle Grambo
SUBJECT: Gossip Scoop
DATE: Fri, 3 Dec 2004 15:40:36 -0500

My Thanos Cutie Came Through!

She and her friends waited FOREVER to get into Conor O'Neill's, and when they eventually made it past the velvet rope they found the Kid, the surprisingly short Tara Reid and a whole bunch of Red Wings. Tara had a puffy white coat and Kid Rock went to the bathroom (presumably two pieces of information, but I dunno, the whole story was told to me at a breathless pace) -- [EDITOR'S NOTE: Not exactly a choice bathroom for bumping rails ... or so I hear. Too many douchebags stumbling around all sauced up on Irish Car Bombs, yo. Remember kids, don't do drugs].

One of her galpals got snagged by a Red Wing and went for a ride in the HUMMER LIMO!

Word is they moved on to Rick's, then to a house party on East U. where the Kid somehow sniffed out a keyboard and jammed some tunes.

The story ends there because the tagalong girl made the Red Wing usher her home in the HUMMER LIMO!

Then our pizza came and it was the best pizza ever.

Sluts Rock!

Oh. My. Gaw. The quiet tree town of Ann Arbor, home to the University of Michigan as well as your Uncle Grambo's former stomping grounds, was invaded last night by everyone's favourite top poppin' tart, Miss Tara Reid! She was in town to watch current boyfriend Sir Gay Federov participate in a charity hockey match featuring striking NHL stars such as Stevie "The Captain" Yzerman, Kris "Drapes" Draper and Chris Cheli-Blows. According to published reports, Miss Franken-Nipple was selected by Kid Rock to serve as an assistant coach on the team, which likely meant she drew the unenviable assignment of sucking off Canucks like a circus seal. Or maybe she just let the former Mr. Kournikova stab the cat, I'm not really sure.

Yet Another Night In Paris

Why do young people dye their hair? We all know that older folks do it to keep away the gray, but younger people who change their hair color are generally looking for a way to assert their individuality. Or, if you're Paris Hilton, you do it to stir up a paparazzi feeding frenzy. Which leads me to this, who in the hell is THIS dude? The pair were photographed yesterday in a Walk Of Shame type moment, yo. While it's fairly obvs that said mofo used her as a pincushion the night before, enquiring minds want to know who this soon-to-be-forgotten douchebag is! Based upon appearance alone, the only thing that I could come up with is that Stephen Dorff stumbled upon a forgotten stash of ephedrine, put his head in a vice, got himself a New Wave 80s haircut, broke into Kevin Federline's closet and stole his wardrobe. Am I right or am I right? Actually, I'm probably really REALLY wrong. So, I ask, where the hell is Janice Min when you need her? In all this confusion, your Uncle's just glad that some things never change. Namely, that Paris still prefers to go commando in public. Phew. [via Golden Fiddler On The Roof]

USA Today's Susan Wloszczyna reports on her experiences playing a zombie in the new George Romero jawn. Uh, talk about a choice beat! Some say best assignment evs, especially when legendary SFX and makeup maestro Greg Nicotero is doling out advice on the best way to portray a zombie: "My opinion of a good zombie walk is to loll your head as if it's a little too heavy and the muscles have begun to atrophy." So freaking best!

Most inexplicable wire photo evs? Natalie Imbruglia poses with her best new artist in a video award for 'Torn,' at the MTV Video Music Awards in Los Angeles, Thursday, Sept. 10, 1998. (AP Photo/Michael Caulfield) ... Uh, hello? Are the AP wire editors back to freebasing during school hours? Now don't get me wrong, your Uncle Grambo was a big fan of "Left Of The Middle" back in the dizz (are you kidding moi, "Smoke" was off the HEEZ!). But c'mon nah, it's nearly 2005, y'all! What gives?

I Keep A Diary vs. Uncle Grambo. Some say the ultimate blog mash-up. Shit was positively BINOCULARS that night, yo ... gotta admit that I don't really remember any of those photos being taken. Which reminds me, I never got around to detailing the blogfucking insanity (PIANOS REVEALED!) that occured that night (4.24.04). But then again, some things are better left unblogged, yo.

Jessica Simpson has apparently been listening to a lot of Bjork while preparing to record her next album. I think I smell a RAT, Jack White stizz. What's next, is Mandy Moore gonna start citing Wendy O. Williams as an influence?

Natalie Portman ass revealed! Somebody grab me some quarters, I needz a little sumpin' to bounce off that BANGIN' azz! Wow ... who knew? Usually tiny girls suffer from a lack of muscular definition (often resulting in cellulizz), but not my gal Nat. A run to the Forum 30 for a "Closer" screening is certainly in the cards for Saturday, yo. [via Scoopy.net]

Glad someone else agrees that the Jay-Z has forever sullied his reputation by associating himself with Linkin Park. 1115.org tells it like it is!

You knew this one was coming. Defamer debunks the faux Coachella lineup. You know, the one that circulated through The Blogosphere™ faster than that fatt J got smoked in the backseat of Lindsay Lohan's SUV, Thanksgiving stizz. Paul Tollett also set the record straight with Billboard. Snatch.

So, thinking about investing in SIRIUS when Howard Stern jumps the terrestrial radio ship? Here's a good reason to stick to your local AM / FM stations, yo ... Bill Walton is ALSO getting his own station. Man, I saw that Deadhead Sticker on his Cadillac and a little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back, you can never look back cuz Bill Walton smokes crack." [via Coolfer]

The Rivell's Edge

Bam Margera sex tape ... REVEALED! Apparently this highly NSFW video was tacked onto a few copies of CKY4, but for some reason is only emerging now. In it, Bam's long-time girlfriend Jenn Rivell is displayed in a topless, reverse cowgirl romp with everyone's favourite jackass. The two-minute tape suffers from its poor quality and bunk musical score (some sort of cheezed out, Oakenfoldian trance shite), but otherwise is pretty buzzworthy. While the ladies will be disappointed that there aren't any shots of Bam's crank, dudes everywhere will marvel at Jenn's redonkulously tight bod. Bonus points for multiple positions (canine stizz revealed!). All in all, in the realm of celebrity sex tapes, this viewer thinks it ranks somewhere above Gena Lee Nolin but below Jenna Lewis. Snizz. [via GossipList]

It may be rice wine to you, but it's Sake-To-Me!

Congratulations to my sexy friend Lindsay Lindsayism for getting name-dropped in Page Six today! Her "nearsighted", first person encounter with The Artist Formerly Known As Jordan Catalano has garnered some major buzz in media circles of late. Which reminds me, have you ever been hit on gay, 6'4", red-headed Icelandic male rock star? Because your Uncle Grambo has (last item). Shmears.

How did you spend YOUR Thanksgiving? If you're Lindsay Lohan, you spent it smoking a fattie that Brother Marquis himself would've been proud of. Mortuary Science revealed! [via Scott Stereogum]

Just like A² + B² = C² , Jeunet + Tatou = Buzz. Just like Woody and Mia sans sexual tension and Asian stepdaughter.

Talk about highway freakin' robbery, Comcast is jacking their cable costs 7.9% in January! My Silver Digital package, which comes with basic cable, a handful of movie channels (IFC, Sundance, etc.) and HBO will now cost your Uncle Grambo $70.99 per month, instead of the $67.99 I've been paying. What's the reason for this cost increase? Unfortunately, Detroit News reporter Nick Bunkley failed to ask or answer that question. Nice journalism skills, brah.

While your Uncle Grambo toils in obscurity out here in the MidWorst, another effing no-talent NYC blogger gets another effing bookdeal. The Breakup Babe inked a deal with Random Hizzy for some chick lit nonsense or something. Got any thoughts on the subject, Ye Olde Haggis?

Got a thang for Natalie Portman? Click through and you will not be disappointed.

Pitchfork gives the new Cerys Matthews jawn, "Cockahoop", a stellar review. Your Uncle Grambo was a HUGE fan of her last band, Catatonia ... "International Velvet" spun in HEAVY rotaish in my stereo during the summer of 1998. I had heard some good buzz on this disc and even had it in my hands the last time I went to Amoeba, but it never made it all the way through to the checkout aisle. Looks like something I'll have to add to my Amazon Wishlist (hint hint).

Ouch, worst career recap evs? "Catherine Keener was last in theaters with the 2002 trio of 'S1m0ne,' 'Death to Smoochy' and 'Full Frontal.'" Now I loves me some Cat Keener, but some say her buzz has plunged even further than Parker Posey's (currently billed below Kris Kristofferson and Ryan Reynoldsin "Blade Trinity").

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

Even though the tantalyzingly tatts duo of Nummer and H-Bomb turned in these reviews to your humble (yet slackadocious) editor before Turkeygiving, it's only now that I'm releasing them out into the wild. Many apologies to those who have been clamoring for them, yo. While your Uncle Grambo sits in a day-long strategy session, enjoy the reviews of the recent Neeson and Wilson episodes of "Saturday Night Live." Bozzle!

The Notororious N.A.T.A.L.I.E.

While she went through sort of a rough period from about 2000 until 2004, the hottness that is Natalie Port-Best has reached an all-time crescendo. Some say she's finally reached the potential displayed in "Beautiful Grrrls." OMG, have you SEEN the shots of her wearing the pink wig from the “Closer" trailer? Good golly Miss Molly, your Uncle Grambo sure would like to ball! And that purple dress she wore to the “Closer" premiere? Hummina hummina!

Effing Trip McNeely. How did he graduate from porking E!’s Giuliana DeSkankatron to tappin’ that Rebecca Romijn ass? Some say the greatest story never told.

Memo to the Limeys: The fact that “Alexander" tanked at the box office this weekend does not (and I quote) "brutally expose the cultural and moral divide which slices America in two." You’re barking up the wrong tree, you pale-fleshed roti de boeufs. Rather, it proves that Americans actually have decent taste in film. Howevs, my sources say that them Naturelle tats are, in and of themselves, worth the price of admission. Natch!

Thanks to the magic of the internerd, now you can go to sleep with Amanda Bynes reading you a bedtime story! Ok, fess up ... who broke into your Uncle Grambo’s apartment and stole my secret wishlist? Fess up! [via Trixie]

Nicole Kidman and Steven Bing spotted canoodling at Trader Vic’s over the Thanksgiving holiday. Wonder if they saw Stereo Mike there?

Only 433 days until Super Bowl XL hits The D™!

David O. Selznick: Portrait Of The Producer As A Speed Freak. Who knew? [via MCN]

Rilo Kiley confirmed for Coachella `05? Tigs. Let’s hope that Paul Tollet can put together enough jack to convince The Smiths to reunite.

Dr. Dre to produce the new JoJo jawn? Developing!

Spent some time in the car this weekend listening to the “Phantom Of The Opera" soundtrack and, I have to admit, it got me kinda geeched for the film. Helmed by Joel Schumacher, it’s being touted as Oscar worthy in most circles. Even my boy Jeffrey Wells, who most would figure to be completely against the effort, is admitting that it "delivers a big wham." But the TRUEST indicator of buzz is that rival studios are already trying to douse the film with haterade. Check the major slam on Emily Rossum’s performance in today’s NY Post. I say buzz.