Grove Is In The Heart

Memo to NY Daily News columnist Lloyd Grove: Your not-quite-bold-and-even-less-clever decision to ban Paris Hilton from your Lowdown column in 2005 is, simply put, a masturbatory effort at building buzz for yourself. Worst publicity stunt evs? If you ask your Uncle Grambo, it's right up there with Chyna's sex tape. Listen dude, and please take this constructively, you have GOTS to understand your role in the greater scheme of things. You are a GOSSIP journalist, brah ... not a crusader for truth, justice and the American way. Taking a stand by refusing to document who Paris is spreading her legs for this week isn't what anyone would define as philanthropy or serving the greater good. More accurately, it's a one-way ticket to getting the job as the Editor-In-Chief of The Durstville Gazette™. So unless you want to get axed right quick and shipped off to Numbnuts Idaho, here's a suggestion. Shut your pie hole, put some calls into your underpaid and overzealous posse of sycophantic sausage smokers, drink a chilled glass of Reisling, and write your effing column. Bovs on YOUR effing tees!

Stuff Magazine names their "It Girls" of 2005. I know, I know ... it's only a lad mag. Still, methinks that the good people at Stuff could use a refresher course in how to define an "It Girl." You see, their picks are Ashlee Simpson (giant beak and totally sans buzz these days), Gwen Stefani (maybe in 1995), Lindsay Lohan (HELLO, 2004 was her year), Nicole Richie (???) and Nikki Hilton (Double-U-Tee-Eff?). I know there have been some trying times over there since Gutfeld flew the coop, but c'mon c'mon. Yet another reason I didn't renew my subscription for the first time since 1999.

The New York Observer's Noelle Hancock proclaims that, because of the proliferation of celebrity lifestyle magazines and blogs like Gawker and Defamer, "We're All Gossips Now!" Which, my friends, is as good a reason as any to reset Noelle's smokin' hott Stuff pictorial from a few years back. I LOVE how she's rockin' that whole Sarah Polley lazy eye and crooked smile look. Some say hottest journo since Maria Menounous! Ah Stuff, maybe I cancelled that subscription too soon.

If you haven't already read My Blog Is Poop's "Definitive Sex Mix Guide", what the hell have you been waiting for? If your Uncle Grambo were as bold as to name the "Creme De La Creme" of the "Creme De La Creme", Bob would definitely be in that category. Calling him a blogger isn't even fair, this guy SLAYS with comedic gold on a daily basis (btw, you're also reading his stuff at Best Week Ever). Look for him to be a staffer on Letterman or "SNL" before his career is through, trust me.

All best, all the time. This time, it's The Information Leafblower's turn. In addish, Matthew Tobey gives his 2004 Blog Of The Year award to 1115.org (whatevs.org came in 2nd). If you're in search of Best Ofs from real-live "I get paid to write" journalists, here are Roger Ebert's, Stephen King's and Detroit News film critic Tom Long's.

Filter talks (albeit briefly) to Noah Baumbach. [via Frank Chrome Waves]

Still no Detroit date. Can you say "Real World: Austin"? Yes, as in Texas. Further proof that the entire country has gone red. WORST! Yet, somehow, I think this might be best. DEVELOPING!

Some say best plane crash since "A Simple Plan"!

Not quite piping hot, but STILL. Dominic Hasek is a bum. Sure, he won us a Cup, but all signs point to The Dominator being an all-around awful display of humanity. Way to owe $500,000 in back rent to Twelve Oaks Mall, jackass! Who do you think you are, Cecil Fielder?

Choire "Call Me Corey" Sicha does Lindsay Lohan. LA Times stizz. Brills.

It seems that as temperatures drop, so does the frequency of posts on Detroit Blog. Still, it's doozies like his historical rundown on the glorious Guardian Building that keep me coming back day after day after day.

Holi-Dazed?

So, you're stuck in The D™ for the holidays? Wondering how to cash in on this rare occasion where you don't have to worry about waking up and dragging your ass to work for the next 10 days or so? Well, as soon as you're done shoveling the forecasted 12 inches of snow from your driveway, your Uncle Grambo has some suggestions to make your Yuletizz tigs.

DECEMBER 23 — Detroit Sounds & Spirits: Join hosts Sassy & The Wolf for this star-studded get together featuring nineteen of your favorite local bands. For the low, low price of $15, you'll be able to catch performances from the likes of Brendan Benson, The Paybacks, Blanche, The Volebeats and much, much more. All proceeds will go to benefit COTS, so you can feel charitable whilst pounding back cans of PBR. And hey, if we're lucky, maybe there'll be another slugfest betwixt prominent local garage rockers! Speaking of which, Jason Von Bondie is starting to publicly lay blame on Jack White for "Pawn Shoppe Heart" arriving D.O.A. in stores. Over twelve months later, STILL DEVELOPING!

DECEMBER 26 — untitled: Looking to work off some of those xxx-tra calories you consumed on Christmas Day? Well, I can't think of a better way to do so than to shake your caboose to sounds laid down by some of the area's most bovsalicious DJs. Matthew Dear (Ghostly), Mike Servito and others will be distributing "candycane wishes and sugarplum kisses" to all who arrive at Oslo (some say THE hottest nightspot in The D™). It'll cost you a five-spot to get in, but it'll be worth it; none other than Rob Theakston declares that "it's going to be packed and hopefully a riot." I say buzz.

DECEMBER 26 — Big Sonic Sunday: If I were to list the three things that I miss most in this world, they would be Sprite ReMix (original flavor), Tart N Tinys (original stizz, although the candy coated variety are quite nice) and Big Sonic Heaven. For those of you like me who prefer your guitars to be swirling and your lyrics to be forebodingly heartbroken, be sure and stop by Luna this Sunday as DJs Paul Piazza and Pinknoise pay tribute to the legend of Darren Revell with "Big Sonic Sunday." As the Cocteau Twins would say, Ella Megalast Burls Forever ... on your tees!

DECEMBER 29 — Last Tourist: That's right, they're back! After a brief hiatus following Kegzies' departure for the greater Los Angeles area, everyone's favorite FOWs are back to rock your nutsacks with a brand-new brother manning the kit ... DAMORE! With support from Ouija Radio and Hoss Burley, this gig promises to be SO unruly that it makes The Who @ Riverfront look like The Wiggles @ The Fox! She mars all over Lars ... Ulrich, that is.

I Am The Warrior

With the benefit of hindsight, it's not surprising that "King Arthur" was a raging, domestic B.O. disappointment. I mean, other than the Bond films, when was the last time a limey-led action film did any biz? And while your Uncle Grambo is confident that Hollywood will continue to give the talented Antoine Fuqua more opportunities to direct, somehow his sensibilities don't seem to jive with stories that involve knights and/or round tables. That being said, fans of Keira Knightley should RUN and not WALK to video stores to pick up the "King Arthur: Unrated Director's Cut" DVD today. Nip slips ... some say hotter in the Middle Ages than on the red carpet. ESPECIALLY considering that "The Hole" is banished to VHS oblivion for the forseeable future. [via DVD Talk]

As you're readying your 2005 Death Pools, you might want to place Natasha Lyonne on your list as a darkhorse. Gawker is reporting that the once promising starlet has gone hogwild for heroin. Sad.

While we're squawkin' about Gawker, it seems they missed this Blind Item from yesterday's NY Daily News: "What Oscar-winner better order a lab test now that she has that new boyfriend? Others who've dated him say his money isn't worth the risk of getting his STD..." Hmmm, unless Marisa Tomei has started dating Carlos D, our guess would have to be Nikki Kidman and Steve "Bada" Bing.

All Best Ofs, all the time. Matt Tobey turns in his Top Ten TV shows, Jessica Jernigan talks about her favorite books (and lip glosses), and Witz rocks his favorite albums. Earning bonus points for creativity are the cool kids behind Tale of Two Cities, who released their respective Top Tens haiku stizz. Ah yes, 5-7-5.

Claire Zulkey does Rick Moody. And by "does", I really mean "interviews", not "has a steamy yet literary love making session with the author of 'The Ice Storm'."

Apologies for the long delay, your Uncle Grambo has been sitting on this one for about a week. Nummer and H-Bomb present SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED: Episode 7 - Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters. Look for the review of this weekend's DeNiro episode to be posted later this afternoon.

ITEM! You heard it here first. Aeon Flux is going to be the most disappointing movie of 2005. Memo to Charlize Puh-Leeze, courtesy of your Uncle Confucius: Grambo say, being long and leggy may indeed beget boners, but it does not an action star make.

Although your Uncle Grambo finds himself in the championship game of the whatevs.org FF2K5 fantasy football league, Terrell Owens' injury puts a major damper on my buzz. Out until the Super Bowl. Ouch.

If there's one thing that I can promise you, it's that "The Dark Side Of Kevin Bacon" can't hold a candle to The Dark Side Of Richard Marx. "Hazard" ... seldom talked about, yet always revealed.

Worst ... supergroup ... EVER! Makes Blind Faith look like the B-Sharps! [via Damore]

Your Uncle Grambo is honored to have been named The #13 Blog Of The Year by Fimoculous! Take that, Drudge ... DEVELOPING!

And finally, as promised, here are more photos from Damore's 2004 Holiday Throwdown. For those who don't like the Shot Stick and all that it represents, I have some advice for you ... SUCK IT!

Shot Stick ... REVEALED ... AGAIN!!!

While more photos from Damore's Third Annual Holiday Throwdown will be posted later tonight, all you really need to know is that GK Vibe's infamous Shot Stick made a surprise appearance in Grosse Pointe on Saturday. Some say the most popular party object since your Uncle Grambo and The Grizz revealed Donkey Konga hottness at the now legendary Tizz The Season party earlier this month. OBVS!

What's In A Name?

While your Uncle Grambo has publicly been credited for inventing some of the hottest terminology ever to hit The Internerd™, truth of the matter is that the credit should be directed towards my circle of peeps. Most of the hottness comes courtesy of friends like Peabs, The Grizz, Nummer and The Giors, I'm merely a vessel for these words to reach the masses. Howevs, I think that labelling myself as the progenitor of the nickname Brit Brit (obvs, in ref to Britney Federline) would be entirely fair. After all, Google don't lie: it's been circulating here on whatevs.org since January 2003. So, other than stroking myself off for inventing a nickname that many others subsequently used, where am I going with this?

Well, my friends, I just learned that La Spears just bought a new dog and, get this, named it Bit Bit!!! Get it, Brit Brit to Bit Bit? The implications of this announcement are only now starting to enter my cerebral cortex, but could it be possible that Brit Brit herself has stumbled across THIS VERY BLOG whilst surfing through The Blogosphere™? I mean, what are the chances that she would name her dog something so similar to a nickname that your Uncle Grambo himself bestowed upon her? As some would say, DEVELOPING!

UPDATE (4:44pm): I couldn't find any instances where The Sun referenced Brit Brit prior to my invention date, but I did stumble upon an article entitled "The A To Z of Britney", originally published by The Observer in February 2002. Isn't it just like Google to prove to you, once and for all, that NOTHING you do is truly unique. No buzz for Googzies for shattering my fantasy and no buzz for me for "inventing" a nickname that had already been invented. Double dose of durst, yo.

The girls at Go Fug Yourself present Teri Polo in "Meet The Fuggers" ... classic. As a longtime fan of Teri Polo (holla atcha "Sports Night"!), it upsets me to learn that, as a result of completely eliminating carbs from her diet, she's developed a case of Man Face rivaled only by Rene Russo.

SHOCKER! Pete Babyshambles fails to show up at a scheduled gig! In addish, NME is reporting that "he could barely stand" and that he "completely lost it" during a gig in Blackpool only one night prior. So, in other words, it was just your average weekend for fans of The Libertines. But still, I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't say ... DEVELOPING! [Related: Two Fridays ago, Pete Babyshambles pulled a Ron Artest and attacked an audience member during "Top Of The Pops"]

Front-runner for The 2005 Razzie Award for Worst Actor has GOT to be Dave Matthews for his performance as the homeless version of Doctor Durstlittle in "Because Of Winn Dixie" ... seriously, The Grizz, Mandypants and your Uncle Grambo caught this trailer pre-"Spanglish" yesterday and almost died of a laughter-induced asthma attack. Some say best trailer since the "LOTR:TTT" teaser that featured the theme song from "Requiem For A Dream", yo.

This one is really only relevant to one person out there, but still: Bruce Fessier talks to Paul Tollett.

Is anyone else out there really scared that the central plot device of "Deep Blue Sea" is now happening in real life? If I were Samuel L. Jackson, I would avoid going anywhere NEAR a body of water for the forseeable future. Bozzle.

Ever wondered what Peabs would be like if he was a she? Ladies and gentlemen, let me re-introduce you to Pencopal and her latest post, "Blumpkins Are The New Black."

All best, all the time. Matt Tobey, Rob Theakston, and ProductShopNYC set their sights on the Best Of 2K4. [Related: Matt Tobey reveals an MP3 of the new Brendan Benson single, first listen stizz.]

And in news that pretty much ruins the rest of 2004, Sea Ray has announced that they are breaking up. Aside from making some of the most melodic pop music to hit stereo systems in recent years, each member of the band is a genuinely good person. Special ups go to Jeff and Greg, both of whom I've had the pleasure of getting to know over the last year. I wish everyone in their band the best of luck in all their future endeavors. Look for more coverage of this truly depressing announcement courtesy over at Information Leafblower. I leave you with a photo from the band's stop at The Magic Stick back in March.