Bush League

Memo to Jenna Bush: Okay, I'll admit it. You're no Babs, but you're still pretty hott in my book. And your Uncle Grambo isn't just talking about the sexual thrill that comes with banging the holy hell out of a wild child daughter of someone powerful (*cough cough*). You've got a good look going these days, plain and simple. That green dress? Yum. I gots me a few green M&Ms in my pocket that would go mighty fine with that look, ifyouknowwhatimsayin.

Please allow me to continue. You rook good, yo. Your Uncle doesn't even mind that you seem to be packing on a few extra LBs since hitting the campaign trail, though it's only fair to warn you that you don't want to start sliding down that slippery slope at the tender age of 21. Nor am I overly concerned that you committed a double sin of unleashing the "Hook Em Horns" sign in public after overdosing on Mystic Tan. But come ON now, shouldn't you at least PRETEND to have some manners? For example, do you really have to yawn like Old Yeller during your father's inauguration? I mean, it's not like you're at the Company Picnic and your dad's making a speech after capturing first place in the three-legged race ... YOUR DAD IS THE PRESIDENT! Show some respect.

Or, in lieu of that, might I suggest that you mix in a nip slip or three for your adoring public? Methinks it's high time that we saw some first daughter tees. And no, that's not an invitation for Alexandra Kerry to show up in a sheer dress again. Guyface + Being The Daughter Of A Loser = nothankyoupleasekeepthoseteestoyourself. Bovs. So, in closing, I say this ... Jenna, keep up the good work. You can give me a pink slip and sentence me to detention ANYTIME, sista. Yeah, that's right. SLAP me with that ruler. You're a BAD schoolteacher, aren't you? ROAR! Holla atcha, Bushie. You too, Babs. Three is a magic number, yo.

Related: Joey ToTC channels Scott Stereogum's patented Brit Brit speak and addresses Jenna's performance at the inauguration.

If you couldn't figure it out from the far too tight and significantly too short brown shorts, then you might have picked it up from his voice (some say effeminate). If you're still in the dark, the fact that he's singing "We Are Family" side by side with Barney oughta do the trick. That's right, SpongeBob Squarepants is gay. Well, at least according to some conservative Christian groups. And when have you ever known them to be wrong about ANYTHING???

Indie rockers and foot fetishists alike will love Popstars Feets, a new blog that focuses solely on the shoes that rock stars wear (pun mos def intended). Open question ... is that Tim Wheeler or Chris Martin wearing the trainers? My bet is on Wheeler, only a knobhead geography student like C. Marts would wear green women's boots in public.

Speaking tangentially about Ash, you should check out Charlotte Hatherly's new video, "Bastardo." Directed by her boyfriend Edgar Wright (who also helmed "Shaun Of The Dead"), the video stars Simon Pegg (also from "Shaun") and Lucy Davis ("The Office") and is tearing up the charts at MTV2, UK stizz.

Just because no one ever asked for it doesn't mean that it's not a fanfuckingtastic idear. A couple of staffers at Flak just recorded an audio commentary for the pilot episode of "Alf" ... totally brills.

Has there ever been a man with better hair than Kyle McLachlan? Maybe Mozzer, but he's the only other dude living in that neighborhood. Anyhoozles, didja know that Special Agent Dale Cooper moonlights as a nature photographer? Me neither ... REVEALED! [via The Grizz]

What do you get when you cross Velvet Revolver, Rod Stewart, Kelly Osbourne and "Tears In Heaven"? The answer is obvs. Worst. Charity. Single. Evs.

Ouch. Who knew that something that weighed 16 pounds could come from down there (gulp). Echo (echo ... echo ... echo). Can anybody hear me in there? (there ... there ... there). Peanut butter pizza sticks! (sticks ... sticks ... sticks)

I say buzz. Peter Jackson just grabbed the rights to "The Lovely Bones." Your Uncle Grambo was a fan of the novel and read it galley stizz a few years back. It'll be nice to see Pete step away from the action epics and step back into "Heavenly Creatures" territory ... shmears.

Next to Golden Fiddle, this blog reader thinks that Pink Is The New Blog is at the absolute apex of the blog game these days. The combination of great links, hott graphics, and amazingly detailed feature articles make TRENT the best Michigan-based blogger since, well, ME! For example, check out his "Best Of Buffy" recap, which lists the Top 15 "BtVS" episodes of all-time. It single-handedly convinced me to pick up Season 7 on DVD. Buzz.

Wanna see Lil Kim's tootsie roll? Nope, me neither. NSFW. [via Oh No They Didn't!]

I don't care what The Grizz says, Fifth Avenue Novi has SARS. In fact, just about every bar in the Novi / Northville area is durst. Too many white people. Ferreals.

For those who missed it, be sure to check out Nummer and H-Bomb's review of last weekend's "Saturday Night Live", featuring host Topher Grace and musical guest The Killers.

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

There is "busy", there is "super effing busy". and then there is Uncle Grambo. Currently, I've got 150 unread and unanswered emails sitting in my Yahoo mailbox, not to mention a Grace / Killers SNL review just begging to be coded. I'm hoping things clear up by this evening, but I can't promise anything. Fortch for you, the FOW Nation, Nummer and H-Bomb have brought the heat with their patented Pre-Show Comments. Enjoy, yo. Sorry to be so razzle, but I'm getting bent over this week. Durst.

But before I go, remember how worst "Planet Of The Apes" was? BOW YOUR HEADS! Michael Clarke Duncan, some say typecast. Helena Bonham Apes? Nice tees, but some say ugliest ape chick evs. I wouldn't get with that when a perfectly luscious SI Swimsuit Model like Estella Warren is in the vicinity. And remember that one ape who was like Japanese or whatevs? Can someone remind me why he was Asian? Even Giamatti Apes was kinda worst. Burton ... some say no buzz post-1999. Shmears, everyone knows that dumping Lisa Marie was a bad move, especially when it resulted in Jeff Goldblum getting NSFW beachfront blowjobs. Yukkers.

NUMMER	H-BOMB
Episode 10: Paul Giamatti / Luda / Sum 41(1/23/05)
This week's episode of SNL marks the halfway point for Season 30. I'll admit the show is taking more chances than last year with bizarre one-off sketches, but most episodes are still falling into the "average" coney range. Are signs pointing to another mid season slump? Enter, what some are calling a bizarre hosting choice, 37-year-old Paul Giamatti.With a seemingly endless string of modern gems like "Private Parts", "Man on the Moon", "American Splendor", "Storytelling", Burton's "Planet of the Apes" and the critical darling "Sideways", Giamatti has clearly established himself as one of the most versatile actors in Hollywood. If solid sketch writing can be cranked out, there is no reason all his character ability can't be shown off and even exploited on SNL. On the musical end of things we have Canadian punk rockers Sum 41 (not Avril) acting as backup band for Ludacris (not the measure of speed in "Spaceballs"). They are set to perform "Get Back" (not The Beatles' classic) from his latest album, "The Red Light District" (not the area of Amsterdam). A quick look at allmusic.com reveals it took no less than 5 people to write "Get Back". All that quantity has to mean quality right? One can only hope the second performance will be his 2003 timeless classic "Hoes in my Room". At the end of the day, don't miss this installment of SNL. Is has the opportunity to be a truly unique episode.	I can honestly say that I am thrilled with SNL's decision to have Paul Giamatti as this week's host. I've always found him to be a terrific actor, but it wasn't until I caught "American Splendor" at the 2003 Sundance Film Festival that I truly realized Giamatti's vast array of acting skills. It was no surprise that the film won the coveted Grand Jury award, which I'm sure for the most part was due to Giamatti's remarkable performance. Even taking the time to be part of the panel to answer questions of the audience after the film, I found him to be completely modest and down-to-earth, which are traits that usually turn out some of the best SNL hosts. Hopefully, the writers will take advantage of this opportunity to put on a great show and step their material up a notch to showcase all of Giamatti's many talents. On the other hand, I couldn't be more disinterested in seeing Ludacris backed up by "punk band" Sum 41 as the musical guest. I'm not a fan of either, but maybe the songs will be so ridiculous, they're be entertaining. I guess we'll see this Saturday.

UPDATE: Just posted the review of last weekend's Topher Grace / Killers show ... enjoy!

Memo To All Los Angeles Area Hipsters: SUCK IT!

Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you. See these jeans? I bought them at THE MALL, yo. Uh huh, suburban stizz. See this belt? I know it wasn't whittled from a recycled license plate by some strung out artiste; rather, it was constructed from the finest leather by my boy Ken Cole. Got a problem with that? And wait, you're wondering what I did with my shirt? It's called "tucking it in", you should try it sometime, you hobo humpin slobo bitch! And all you sluts who were complaining about not being able to get into any of the three sold-out Arcade Fire shows this weekend? I gots news for ya ... your Uncle Grambo turned down not one, but TWO (2) sets of free tix! When posed with the choice between the return of the Rivers gals or seeing some Napoleon Dynamite lookin' Canucks playing guitar whilst wearing retard helmets, I'd pick Joan and Melissa every time. Natch.

All that being said, L.A. was THE place to be this weekend. The almost biblical rainstorms that plagued the area earlier in the month were quickly forgotten as the sun shone down on pale faced hipsters everywhere. Temperatures hung steady in the mid 70s for the entire weekend, a nice change of pace from the single digit temps we're facing in The D™ today. From breakfasts at Eat Well to dinners at Cobras & Matadors to mojitos at Malo, you couldn't ask for more buzz. Holla atcha, Silverlake and Los Feliz.