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Friday, February 25, 2005  

The Little Girl She Just Wanders About

What I Like About Bynes

"…Til it's time for her coming out, Miss Amanda Jones Bynes!"

If there were any existing doubts about the overwhelming besteverness that Bynes possessed before, they were all completely wiped from our collective consciousness after her sensational appearance on "The Late Show" Wednesday night. Without fawning too much, it was readily apparent that The Patron Saint Of Whatevs is now officially ready to enter the realm of superstardom. I'm not sure there's anyone on the planet with the ability to appear so demure while wearing a black, knee length cocktail dress with matching high heels that scream "Meet me in the bathroom", Julian Casablancas steez.

First things first. The first measure of success is related to Letterman's reaction to her. As everyone who is a Dave fan will attest, the man gets a little anxious around women he considers to be fabulously beautiful. Over the years, he's learned to hide it pretty well, but seasoned vets will recognize that his eyes dance around a little bit more when he's awestruck by the beauty of leggy supermodels. And while Bynes is by no stretch a leggy supermodel, Dave's jaw virtually hit the floor when he saw her stroll out on stage. In addish, this viewer thinks it's fair to say that the same exact happened at the same exact time in living rooms spanning from Albequerque to Zilwaukee.

As for Amanda's "performance" as a guest, she managed to play both the coquette and the conversationalist with equal aplomb. She's got a knack for telling a good story, and this blogga would argue that the level of her comedic abilities are unrivaled by any other female in her age group. She's Tea Leoni good, I'm telling ya. She might even be Lucille Ball good, and I wouldn't be surprised to see her hit a Cameron Diaz-esque stride over the course of the next 10 years or so. Talent, people ... WE'RE TALKING TALENT OVER HERE!

And, if all that wasn't enough to overwhelm you, who else shows up on the "Late Show" and presents David Freaking Letterman with a hand-painted portrait of the man?!? While your Uncle Grambo is by no means an art critic, I bestow her brushwork with buzz.

Bynes. So best. For more screencaps, be sure to head over to Amanda Bynes Now. Big ups to my man Robair for getting them there screencaps up within HOURS of the broadcast.

so, So, SO BEST!!!

Move over Picasso, now there's something meatier

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Wednesday, February 23, 2005  

When Conservative Babes French*

Where The Boys Aren't, Vol. 471

Take THAT, Paris and Englantina Zingg-A-Zig-Ahhh! You two randy, Sidekick snappin', twentysomething wanna-be lezbos can't hold a strap-on to the box bumpin' and scissor kickin' that goes on betwixt Former First Lady Nancy "Say No To Bovs" Reagan and Maria "Skeletor" Schwarzenshriver! "Oh Nance, use your geriatric right hand to massage my lubricated right wing, if you hear what I'm screamin'! Oh baby, you put the 'phallus' in hydrocephalus, you dirty octagenarian, you!" Where's Joe Francis with a camcorder when you need him?

I said DAYUM! My apologies, yo. It seems that the Spirit Of Peabs momentarily took possession of my sexy bod, Regan Teresa McNeil stizz. Back to your regularly scheduled PHCFYSB. Bozzle on your Rodney Roo, Dizzee Rascal!

Dr. Doom calls 'Fantastic Four' footage 'Unbelievable.' Nope, unfortunately not THAT Dr. Dooom. Although, your Uncle Grambo did spot Kool Keith a few times during last night's airing of "Ego Trip's Race-O-Rama" on VH-Best. Vince Carter respect my legs.

Yeeeesh, sure as you know that a horse with a broken leg is gonna end up in the glue factory, there's only one way this story is gonna end. Blogger quits high paying day job to blog full-time.

Herbie Goes BulimicAnd you thought Bynes was dangerously thin? LiLo showed up at the TRL Awards the other day looking DANGEROUSLY petite. It's important to remember that poolside pics like this hit The Internerd™ in JULY. Whoever her handlers are, they better get ahold of her right quick and get her off the druqks right quick.

Despite all the crap that we gave him over the years, Wolverine fans sure are gonna miss Braylon Edwards as he makes his transition to the NFL. This football fan is confident that he'll avoid squandering his potential, David Terrell stizz. Go Braylon, but more importantly, Go Breaston!

The thought of Jeff Garcia donning a Lions uniform is enough to turn me into a full-time Pats fan. Honestly.

As the wise sage T-Muffle so eloquently put it, YAY! Congrats, Linds!!!

Oasis has completed work on their new LP, "The Ear Has No Memory." While that may be true, methinks the record buying public certainly does.

"shoulda mentioned this over a week ago, but kelly clarkson has a big butt. and small boobs. which is fine and great. she's in good shape, she's cute, she can sing like mad so thats cool. but on snl last weekend she made the worst wardrobe choice ever." First off, I disagree with Miss Amber Rambles ... your Uncle Grambo thought that Kelly Clarkson looked completely bovsworthy on the SNL stage a few weeks back. Secondly, if I had said something like this here on whatevs.org, I woulda got REAMED by the FOW Nation for being insensitive and chauvinistic (remember the "Mandy Moore has junk in the trunk" debaucle?). So, I guess my theory is this: when girls criticize other girls for having "big butts" and "small boobs", it's completely akin to black dudes dropping N-bombs. It's all good if it derogatory comments are both made and directed at those who fall within the same lines of race / gender / religion as the accuser. Now, your UG fully realizes that this theory may not exactly fall under the category of "Breakthrough Theory Of The New Millenium", but I still thought it beared repeating. Bozzle.

Amazon.co.uk talks to Charlotte Hatherley about her all-time favourite LPs. Only someone who is altogetherly megabest would namecheck both "Teenager Of The Year" AND "Heaven Or Las Vegas" in their list. REVEALED!

Moby, you can get stomped by Obie. I mean, come ON. Shouldn't you leave the Nick and Jess bashing to guys like Marshall Mathers?

Billboard reveals new triple disc greatest hits buzz from Yo La Tengo. Can't say there's any real misses on the collection, with the possible exception of "Cherry Chapstick." YLT … so best. [via Coolfer]

And finally, after a few weeks of rampant speculation, it looks like the City Of Detroit will again play host to some variation of the DEMF this Memorial Day Weekend (albeit, rumours are swirling that it will no longer be free). And who, pray tell, is the person that "broke" this story? BRIAN FREAKING MCCOLLUM! Lord knows where he disappeared to for the last six months, an investigative email that I sent to The Freep months ago went unanswered. But, as anyone who knows how the politics of these things would attest, it figures that he would be the one that the newly (and horribly) named "Fuse-In Detroit: Electronic-Soul Movement" people would choose to speak with to announce their direction. As they say in the biz, DEVELOPING!

*Please note, when your Uncle Grambo refers to this duo as "conservative babes", what I really mean is "skanky, busted ass former / current pincushions for NRA luvvin' political puppets", yo. Respectively, yet not necessarily respectfully. Natch.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Tuesday, February 22, 2005  

To Blog Or Not To Blog

I Humbly Thank The FOW Nation For This Honor

Can a brotha get a SPIN up in this piece? Shitboxsandwich, my local Waldenworst still isn't stocking the issue that features whatevs.org as the universe's third best blog (ranking just behind my comrades in arms, Scott Stereogum and Foxy Jazzercise)! Instead, during the three minutes a day your Uncle Grambo has to escape the clutches of my Microsoft Outlook 2003 calendar, I'm still stuck staring at the pasty mug of Pee Wee FloWERST! As Sagat would say, man ... FUNK DAT!

I mean, seriously ... how many opportunities will this blogga have during his time on This Mortal Coil to get namechecked directly beneath a picture of The Trannie Ric Ocasek? The answer: not many (ESPECIALLY at the rate that I've been blogging lately). Yo BINC, be sure to get up in the grill of those socially inept Periodical Buyers and have them double and triple check their distribution channels, yo. Snatch.

So, did you hear about the Hack Attack on Paris Hilton's Sidekick? Yeah, thought so. If there's one thing that bores the fucksticks out of your Uncle Grambo, it's how god damn homogeneous¹ The Blogosphere™ has become of late. This story hit your Uncle Grambo's inbox on Sunday morning at 5:34AM. Now, at 8:24PM on Tuesday, if you type in "Paris Hilton Sidekick" + Blog into Google, close to 9,000 results are returned. Blogga PLEASE! Don't any of y'all bitches have any original thoughts? Isn't there something more interesting to talk about?

I mean, you can't fault either of the two most prominent gossip-y Denton properties for blogging about this ... you know that Nick would have their NickNotHeads if his minions didn't cross-bloginate™² the shit out of this story. After all, 1 million page views at a $12 CPM equates to $12,000 in Nick's already deep pockets ... and that's just the revvie he charges for the TOP banner on his sites. Mars she. And, while I'm on the topic of Blogging For Dolla Dolla Bills Y'all, you KNOW that the whole "More Info After The Jump" bullshit is SOLELY designed to generate more page views (ergo, more dinero). But hey, that's capitalism, yo. More power to him.

Anyway, enough ranting and raving. Besides, those topless Paris Hilton Sidekick breasts lesbian kissing gifs nudity nip slip jpeg naked photographs WERE pretty hott (that oughta score me a decent Google ranking!)...

Quack quack! Even when she's in her skivvies, JLH still looks like a duck. Love ... some say she peaked when The Grizz talked to her on TRL!

Was it "Because Of Dave Matthews"?

Anyone else watch "8 Mile" like 500 times on VH-Best this weekend? Man, it reminded me how hott to trot Brittany Murphy was before she got all Natasha Lyonne-d. Can't her agent or someone show her these photos from Esquire at this time last year and convince her that crack is wack? Gawd, gotta love women who'll bang you in the auto plant with a mostly crazy psycho stalker look in their eyes. Holla back, Britt!

Remember a few paragraphs ago when your Uncle Grambo said he was done nerding out on the Blog Tip? Well, I lied. Anyone else find it suspicious that Gawker ran a story promoting Topic Magazine, only to click through and find a banner ad for Gawker on said site? I know that blogs often blur the lines between editorial and advertorial, but Haber should know better.

Although your Uncle Grambo doesn't get a chance to listen to "The Jungle" these days, I feel like I'm still qualified to say that Skip Bayless was the DURST of all Romey's guest hosts. Give me the finesse of Jim Lampley or the humour of Tommy Tolbert any day. Bayless had no interesting takes, no respect from the Jungle Dwellers and no semblence of what ANYONE would consider to be buzz. Howevs, apparently the higher ups at ESPN thought highly enough of him to give him a column on their highly bovstacular Page 2. How and why, I'll never understand, particularily after reading the back-alley abortion of a column he vomited up today. Errr, did you REALLY just write a 1,200 word piece criticizing LeBron James for not participating in the NBA Slam Dunk contest? This NBA fan is glad to see that James recognizes that the jam session during All-Star weekend hasn't had buzz since Spud Webb reigned supreme. Skip Bayless ... some say even worse than Mitch Al-Bomb.

Life Aquatic. Region 1. Criterion Collection Double Disc. May 10. Obvs. [via Nummer]

Blink-182 ... peace the fork out. You had a good run, yo. Now, just do us all a favor and go gently into that good night. I'm sure that you'll be able to live comfortably with them "Enema" royalty checks coming each month.

Looks like it's Basinger v. Biel in the battle of who gets to play Wonder Woman for Joss Whedon.

None other than Jack Whizz himself says that there's a new White Stripes jawn in the works. I say buzz.

As I shut down for the evening, remember to set your TiVos! Bynes. Late Show. Wednesday. REVEALED!

¹ Note: Your Uncle Grambo said "homogeneous", not "Homo-Genius" ... cuz, as everybody knows, then I'd be referring to GKVibe / Preciousness. Bovs.

² A word that I just made up, which now and forever shall be used to describe the insidious manner in which Gawker Media sites repeatedly and incessantly promote each other. Discerning blog readers know whut whut I'm talkin' bout, Willis. Remember. I got the ™ on "cross-bloginate™"!!!

posted by Uncle Grambo |
"I always had a hard time with fiction. It does feel like driving a car in a clown suit. You're going somewhere, but you're in costume, and you're not really fooling anybody. You're the guy in costume, and everybody's supposed to forget that and go along with you. Obviously, it can work, it works all the time—well, it doesn't always work. Still, no matter what, I'm always looking at the form and addressing it, not ignoring it."
Dave Eggers, on the difficulties of blogging writing fiction
be like mark

more adventurous - rilo kiley


eternal sunshine of the spotless mind


parasites like us - adam johnson
(ALMOST done)
adventures w/disposable income
date: 2.20.05
source: Andiamo Osteria
amount: $32.74
(1) Lasagna Alla Bolognese
(1) Capellini Al Salmone
(1) House Salad
(1) Italian Onion soup

snl season 30
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
feb 24: luna @ st. andrews
feb 28: futureheads @ shelter
mar 11: asobi seksu @ magic stick
mar 17 - 20: march madness @ chi-town
mar 27: the dears @ magic stick
apr 1: bloc party @ magic stick
apr 9: brendan benson @ blind pig
apr 10: ash @ magic stick
apr 11: handsome boy modeling school @ blind pig
apr 28 - may 2: coachella!
may 6: adult. @ magic stick
jun 18: oasis @ meadowbrook
search THIS!

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