It's A Sad Day In Gulagerville

Hands down, by far, without a doubt, dude jones, any way you slice it. Choose your own descriptive introductory clause, Project Greenlight is the best show on tellyvision. Despite the fact that Balis was exorcised from this year's proceedings, this year has been running neck and neck with the original season as some of the most enjoyable reality television evs. And last night's show just may have been the penultimate episode so far.

You know, it's truly been amazing to watch the transformation that Gulager has been through this season. He went from an oddball outsider with questionable bathing habits and even more questionable nepotistic tendencies to an endearingly patient and curiously intriguing talent. In other words, he's gone from someone you laugh at to someone you pull for. Even when he fell out of that chair after pulling an all-nighter at the AVID bay, his immediate reaction to utilize his self-deprecating wit won your Uncle Grambo over. Admisstion: watching Gulager tear up when Clu made mention of how proud his mother would have been had she been alive to see "Feast" made this viewer tear up a little, too.

Another highlight of last night's episode was the long-awaited return of Ben Affleck. Your Uncle Grambo isn't really sure where he and Matt Damon have been all season, but make no mistake that their presence has been missed. When Affleck did the Chris Moore impression using Moore's severed head as his mouth piece? Definitely a season highlight, likely b/c it hearkened back to Season One's "Chris Moore Contest" ("WHERE'S MY PIE, BALIS? GIMME THAT PIE!").

All in all, I can't wait to see "Feast" (possible spoilers and early commentary from a test screening revealed here). And your Uncle Grambo isn't the only one. The Grizz, Damizz, Spencer, and Kerry ToTC have been RAVING about "Feast" forevs ... gimme these, Dimension! Get a release date on this bitch and open that shit on AT LEAST 500 screens, or this blogga's gonna get nine kinds of pissed off. Marzipan.

Now, on with the PHC...

Wanna see the difference between an A-list movie critic and a local egomaniac CLEARLY content to rest on his laurels? Then take a look at how Manhola Dargis and The Freep's Terry Lawson reviewed "Kingdom Of Heaven", the new jawn from Ridley Scott. Lawson calls it "exceedingly well-made, reasonably involving and impressively intelligent", while my gal Dargzies layeth the smackdown by describing it as "an ostensibly fair-minded, even-handed account of one of the least fair-minded, even-handed chapters in human history." I don't know why I even bother reading The Freep anymore.

Oh yeah, THIS is why. For laughs! Check it, today's column from Mitch Al-Bomb revolves entirely around an imaginary conversation between a hockey puck and a hockey stick about the state of the NHL!!! Oh yeah, when I say "laughs", I really mean "groans." Seriously, is this how Mitch spent his time contemplating his wrongdoing? The man just had what amounted to be a paid month of suspension vacation and this is the best he can come up with? Can't Carole Leigh Hutton at least slap him on the wrist for the quality of dreck he turns out? Man oh man, if only Darth Vega had taken Mitch with him to San Francisco. Oy vey.

Unfortch for literate people here in The D™, The DetNews doesn't even offer any good competition. Take, for instance, this article on "all-girl" vacations that originally appeared in USA Today last month (!!!) ... I suppose it's one thing to recycle a story, but couldn't Sue Whitall's time be better spent writing a thoughted (or even breezy) article on the subject rather than gathering quotes and jpegs from a bunch of rich bitches who live in Birmingham and sprinkling them into the article that Kitty Bean Yancey originally wrote? At the end of the day, though, I don't blame Whitall. I blame the editors.

"The colorful crowds who come to Detroit's annual techno festival this year will need to bring something other than glowsticks and pacifiers with them -- tickets." Fortch for all of us, The Grizz turns in yet another impressive lede in this article that appears in today's DetNews. That said, FUSE-IN for $25? Then GRAMBO-OUT.

Nearly a year after "More Adventurous" streeted, Rilo Kiley shot a video for "Portions For Foxes" ... why the wait? [via Frank Chrome Waves]

Audioslave rocks Cuba. Hell, I guess if I'd been under the thumb of Fidel Castro for my entire life, maybe I too would think that Audioslave rawks. Being brought up in a country where the Buena Vista Social Club are revered as legends? The very definISH of No Buzz. Cuba Libre? No thanks. Viva la U-S-A!

Some chick named Denise Coke just got busted during a routine traffic stop on I-696 for, get this, possession of COKE. Ha! Get it? Coke does coke? BOVS! [via A Socialite Life]

I'm not sure who this dude is, but I'm pretty sure this is a slam. Play nice, kids! Zing!

When are these athletes gonna learn? First, former Dukie PG extraordinaire and Chicago Bulls lottery pick Jay Williams went down with a career threatening knee injury caused by a motorcycle accident (Want an example of how far this former shooting star has fallen? Now he's a blogger!!!). More recently, former Miami TE extraordinaire and first round Cleveland Browns draft pick Kellen Winslow Jr. did the exact same thing. Is the thrill that you get riding a crotchrocket around a parking lot really worth losing your $5 million signing bonus, LET ALONE the impacts it'll have on his future earning potential? My guess ... Not so much.

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

Riddle me this … are there any LESS appealing summer movies on the docket in 2K5 than "Dukes Of Hazzard"? Just last night, The Grizz and your Uncle Grambo were discussing how Seann William Scott, despite being the most successful of the "American Pie" kids, has failed to move beyond "second banana" status with any modicum of success. And then there's Knoxville, who's has been sans buzz ever since he was cast in "MIB II." And while there is an undeniable novelty appeal to seeing Jessica Simpson attempt to "act", that desire should be satiated watching Paris do that very thing (try to "act") this weekend when I go see "House Of Wax."

But that's not why we're here, folks. Mr. Johnny Knoxville will be hosting "SNL" tomorrow night. Tune in to see if Jessica Simpson shows up and cuckolds Mr. Nick Lachey (again), only this time in front of a live studio audience! Sit back and enjoy the expert pre-show commentary courtesy of Nummer and H-Bomb. Dude jones!

I Think The Clock Is Slow

Oh. My. Aching. Head. I feel like Brandon Inge on the Hot Corner this morning ... slow-moving and prone to errors. If it weren't for his shenanigans at the CoPa last night (which resulted in my beloved Tigers losing to the Rock Chalk BoSox), Coach Glinka and your Uncle Grambo wouldn't have had to drink all that beer! That said, any night that ends with a Hennessey-fueled game of Mario Party 6 is pretty much best ever in my book.

Even though all those White Stripes Coachella rumours never panned out, Jack White made a surprise appearance at Brendan Benson's show at The Troubadour last night. I say buzz. [via KB]

What well-scrubbed actor and his buddies passed the time on a chartered plane to Vegas by stoking themselves with coke? If I were a betting man, I'd say Zach Braff. "Well-scrubbed", get it?

FORE! Is it just me, or are these shots of Maria Menounos on the golf course redonkulously hott? Seeing that sexxxy, slender Greek baboushka with a 3-wood in her hands has got me nine kinds of fired up. I'll show you feta, dollface!

The Grizz on Gulager: "Sure, his chair says 'Director,' but it might as well say 'Dunce' for all the creative control he's given over his set." Have truer words ever been spoken? RELATED: The Fiddler gets Gulager on the horn ... so jealous!

Pitchfork takes on the new jawn from Idlewild. 6.2 revealed.

Don Canham, RIP. In death, I will forgive you for carpeting The Big House.

"(Teen girls on MySpace.com) squeeze their elbows together to make their boobs look bigger." Noice. Back in the dizz, your Uncle Grambo was all about challenging the ladiez to try and touch their elbows behind their back. Oh Kathy Kelley, where are ya?

Rob Sheffield, clearly speaking for the entire Weezer fanbase, on Rivers Cuomo: "We love you more than evs." Dude's biting my vocab! Mars.

While I'm sure that Jessica Alba is probably a ginormous bitch, I think it's safe to say that her comments about Tobey Maguire ("He's fucking huge!") signal that it's time for Spiderman to drop some LBs.

Blown Away

After 36 hours of trying (unsuccessfully, I might add) to sell this picture to the tabloids, your Uncle Grambo is just gonna go right ahead and reveal the hottness for the FOW Nation. But before we get too far, yes, that's a snap snapperoo of Chloë Sevigny blowing talking to Vincent Gallo. Now, the backstory...

So there we were. Kerry ToTC, Stacy K. and your Uncle Grambo had just caught a spirited (yet kinda disappointing) set by The Futureheads. We were looking to whet our proverbial whistles with a drop or three of booze and, instead of mingling with the everyday common folk, we decided to make use of our wildly overpriced VIP wristbands.

As our threesome walked past security and up to the bar, we ran smack into a smorgasbord of non-rock star celebs that would've surely given Bonnie Fuller and Janice Min a pair of spontaneous, Cytherea-esque orgasms. Hey, there's Cameron Diaz sitting with a fully bearded Justin Trousersnake! Look over there, it's James Duval ... why is he wearing that stupid human suit? Who's that standing in front of me in line for a Red Bull? Oh yeah, that's Linda Cardellini! Good lord, I have never seen such a short, hairy Italian man ... it must be Danny DeVito! Wait a sec, doesn't that look like the black guy from "CSI"? It IS The Black Guy From "CSI"! My oh my, he certainly loves white girls. But then again, who doesn't? Marzipan.

But whoa, whoa is me ... There's VINCENT FUCKING GALLO! Eff Cammy and The Trousersnake, that there is a real genius whose all-time besteverness is clearly unrivaled. Your Uncle Grambo was tempted to go up and talk to him, but my feet were aching, so instead our kru rolled over to a desolate patch of grass and sat our asses down.

Lo and behold, who just happened to be sitting down on the ground right next to us? CHLOË SEVIGNY! She looked a little ratty and a little stoned, but then again, doesn't everybody in the VIP Tent? But hold on a sec, wasn't that just Vincent Gallo we ran into? Yes, yes it was. Wait, let me put two and two together here while I pound another $9 Amstel Light ... THEY'RE TOTALLY GONNA MEET!

So there we sat, waiting for the inevitable. Two of the girls from The Like sidled up, making the mistake of standing in the way of Chloë's view (the VIP Area is ALL about seeing and, more importantly, being seen). She gave them the HARDCORE Evil Eye, and the duo quickly and fearfully scampered off into the distance. Then, it happened.

Vincent was on his way to the Port-A-John, seemingly oblivious to Chloë's presence. But make no mistake about it, Chloë had her lazer eyes LOCKED on Vincent. Her back was kinda turned, so her neck was craned to look in his direction. I couldn't tell if her look was one of anger, one of desire, one of shock or one of nervous anticipation. Come to think of it, it was probably a mix of all four. As he neared, she said his name in that distinctly sexy kinda deep voice of hers.

"Vincent."

Not too loud, not too soft. But it was clearly too soft, Vinnie didn't hear it.

So then, Chloe sprang up. Finally, Vincent saw her. What's going to happen? Is she gonna hug him? Slap him? Kick him in the nards, Wolfman from "The Monster Squad" stizz? Trust me folks, the moment was EPIC!

But, in the end, the two made contact and embraced. Smiles crept across both of their faces, the emotion that they showed was genuine and ridiculously real. I mean, look at the look on Vincent's face! He's all crushed out, obvs. You could tell that the two hadn't seen each other in a long time, possibly since the whole "Brown Bunny" brouhaha of August 2004, and that they could NOT have been happier to run into each other.

So, being the heartless yet entreprenurial individual that I am, your Uncle Grambo snapped a moment for posterity's sake with my Canon PowerShot S500. And yes, I tried to peddle this tender moment of human togetherness to the tabloids for gobs of cash. Unfortch, no one took the bait.

"So, Uncle Grambo, what lesson did you learn from all of this?"

Well kiddies, like the occasional sunray that breaks through the cloudy skies of Seattle, the occasional moment of genuine emotion is able to break through the bullshit façade that is "celebrity" ... and that wearing the shoes of the paparazzi for just over 36 hours began to suck something out of your soul ... and that hobnobbing with the rich and famous is quite fun in small doses ... and finally, that life is like a box of bovs; you never know whose tees are next!

My "real" Coachella update is forthcoming. Thanks to My Blog Is Poop for doing most of the work and creating the template. Now I just gotsta fill in the blanks, Mad Libs steez. Look for it tomorrow. Dude jones.