Because "Boney Ben" Wouldn't Really Have Been Appropriate

Is it just moi or is The Freep's editorial cartoonist, Mike Thompson, clearly channeling The Garbage Pail Kids (first series, natch) with today's rendering of Big Ben Wallace as Adam Bomb (or is it Blasted Billy)? Your Uncle Grambo applauds the GPK reset, even if attributing last night's loss to B-B-B-Ben Wallace is a tad bit unfair. But I understand why Thompson made the editorial choice to explode the mystique of the once-feared `Fro; after all, that grey patch Sheed rocks isn't nearly as iconic.

From the onset of the game, The Pistons' nerves were bundled as tightly as our only All-Star's cornrows. While it certainly didn't help matters much that the zebras suddenly decided to change the way they had ref'd the entire series during last night's first half, the game was tied after 24 minutes and the `Stons burst out to an early 9 point lead in the third quarter. At that point, the game was theirs for the taking. Unfortunately, it was at this very same point that Tim Duncan realized it was make or break for both his team and his legacy. Like other three-time NBA Finals MVPs before him (Magic, Michael, Shaq-Fu), he put the team on his back and started straight up DOMINATING. It was all over but the crying at that point, folks.

But hey, it was an amazing season (if not an amazing series). The Pistons fought (at times, literally) through a minefield of difficulties and distractions from Day One back in Shocktober and made it within 12 minutes of winning the whole kit and caboodle. Much like L. Brown was famously quoted as saying during the fourth quarter of Game 6, I love these guys. I'm proud of how well they continue to rep The D™ and entirely confident that they'll remain among the NBA Elite for at least one more year -- with or without L. Brown.

This joke isn't funny anymore. Gawker reports that Tom Cruise flipped out on Matt Lauer this morning, engaging in verbal fisticuffs over international issues of ONLY the utmost importance. For example, did YOU, kind reader, "know that Ritalin is a street drug"? Tom Cruise does! You see, he KNOWS these things. Like, he's read Aldous Huxley and shit ... have you, Matt Lauer, HAVE YOU!?!? Ah yes, `tis good to see that America's favorite toothy, Oscar-less, multimillionaire mo-mo has his eye on the ball and his finger on the pulse of what's truly important in our world today — ritalin abuse. Fortch for us all, You Can't Make It Up puts it all in the proper context.

Michelle Wie ... some say the next Jamie Chung.

Speaking of sexy athletes, peace the fork out to "Randy" Brandi Chastain. No, she didn't die in the traditional sense, but she's almost certainly got a wicked case of emotional rigor mortis caused by extreme embarrassment. She got involuntarily cut from the US Women's National Soccer Team. We'll always have the top popping, Brandi ... that and the infamous Gear layout. Believe me when I say that your tight abs and perky B-cups more than made up for your hardcore manface. Bovs.

Yikes, Tobey Maguire has REALLY let himself go. [via Shallow And Catty]

The New York Post is right. This is total bullshit. Although, don't go colorin' your Uncle Grambo surprised that the almighty dolla dolla y'all won out over ethics. What pisses me off is the way that Starbuckers Incorporated hid behind the "indecency" flag when they decided not to stock the latest from The Boss. Boldface lies, I tellz ya, boldface lies.

Memo to all the girls out there. Yeah, even you, Miss "I've Got Great Gams". I'm sick and effing tired of this new trend where chicks rock above-the-knee skirts with flats. Don't you realize dudes think that it makes your legs look all stumpy and shazz, even if you've got nice stems? The lone exception are those little princess-y, rhinestoned ballerina slipper things ... I like those. But other than that, you should ALWAYS rock a moderate heel with a shorter skirt. So Sayeth The Uncle. Bow!

I don't know what's worse. This or this.

I know it's the very definition of "old news" by now, but I'm really surprised that no one at the NY Times got fired over this article. Didn't someone at Details get fired for something similar a few years back with that whole "Gay Or A Fashion Designer" thing? At least THAT was (sorta) funny. This was just plain offensive. Yuck.

Vote today for the best sneakers of all-time. I had a pair of 26 Red sneaks circa 1994 that were the very definition of tatters, but they're nowhere to be found on The Internerd™. Dayum.

Worst. World Record. Ever.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't drop a little Saskia science on yo asses before I took off for the day. What's that you say, you never done heard of Saskia Howard Clarke? She's the chesty bird from the British version of "Big Brother 6" who is prompting the entire UK to collectively shout, "Jordan who?" Her reported GGG cups make Elizabreast Hasselbeck's Hasselbombs look about as appealing as Teri Hatcher's floppy flapjacks, "Heaven's Prisoners" stizz. Keep your eyes peeled on The Sun and the Superior Pics Message Board for more screencap madness of the Bustiest British Broad since Samantha Fox. Bovs all over your crumpets, you filthy limey guv'nors!

All Or Nothing

• I am almost too nervous to type. I hate that the Pistons are down a possession. Eff trading buckets, we need a stop.

• Manwurst is the best unconventional dunker I've seen since Aaron Thompson roamed the playgrounds of Brewster Elementary school.

• Good Lord in heaven, how on earth do you leave Robert Whore-y alone beyond the three point arc? The Pistons look tired, mentally and physically. Again, this doesn't bode well. 8 and 7 left on the clock.

• Where is Chauncey? THIS IS YOUR TIME TO DOMINATE, BITCH! They don't call you Mr. Big Shot for nothing, dude. Take this game over. NOW!

• Pistons are collapsing. Down six with 6 and 9 left on the clock. George Blaha, where are ya when we need ya?

• Win or lose, I would like to see Rip and Chauncey drawn and quartered for pulling an absolute choke job in Game 7 of the NBA Finals. At this very second, the two are 6 of 22 from the floor for 20 points. Not good enough. You guys want to be recognized as the best backcourt in the game? Now's the time to show it.

• Hubie Brown just said what I typed. I feel like Albert Brooks in "Broadcast News" ... if the Pistons don't score on this possession, I'm calling game over.

• They scored. Sheed with a fall away. This game would be WAY different if he didn't get in so much freaking foul trouble. But we just missed another defensive rebound. We could've brought it down to 2. This most definitely is not Pistons basketball, despite the low score. When you get defensive stops, you have GOT to pick up the loose ball on the rebound attempt.

• This game is over. Thanks for reading. Seven points. Two and 19 left. Great season Pistons, too bad the refs decided to call the first half so ridiculously tight and then let everything go in the second half. Oh, and by the way, FUCK YOU BRUCE BOWEN.

Third Quarter Blues

• Tim Duncan is clearly pushing off down low on the offensive end, yet no one is calling any fouls on him. He just knocked Big Ben Wallace onto the ground away from the ball and somehow Ben got called for the foul.

• God, how is Detroit up five points? They have played like complete shit on a stick. If Detroit wins, it's only because of the Game Seven play of Ben Wallace. As good as Chauncey has played, some say Ben is the NBA Finals MVP ... win or lose.

• Shit yeah, Antonio McBest is filling the Sheed void more than admirably. He can't contribute as much as R. Wallace on the defensive end, but somehow he's leading the team in rebounding.

• Tayshaun has to step up his 12 to 17 foot game in the off season ... big time. He's a liability on the offensive end when he's inside the three point line and outside of the paint, plain and simple.

• Okay, how did a nine-point lead evaporate in seemingly three god damn seconds? This makes me nervous.

• That "Alien Invasion" show is gonna be mmmmBEST! "Mommy, you smell funny."

• Wait, what's that? An offensive foul on Tim Duncan? The refs might not be getting paid off after all!

• And wait, what's this? A defensive foul on "The Alamo-mo" Duncan't on the very next possession? `Bout time the zebras started calling this one even.

• Tayshaun just got mugged outside of the arc on one end, then was mismatched against Duncan on the defensive end. One point game. Fucksticks.

• THAT'S HOW WE DO IT, YO! There shouldn't be a possession the rest of the game that Chauncey doesn't touch the ball on the offensive end of the floor. I still can't believe that it's a tie game when Rasheed has more fouls than points.

• I don't like the fact that Tim Duncan't has caught frickin fire this quarter. Not a good sign. Not at all. I need another drink.

• Fuckin' Lindsey Hunter is costing us the game. Seriously. Worthless. Win or lose, this should be his last game as a Piston. Ferreals.

Tied after three quarters. I'm not sure my heart can take another quarter. So best. Yet so worst.

Ed Rush Can Eat A Fat D

Second quarter observations:

• The refs are clearly calling things in favor of the hometeam. Fucking bullshit.

• Every time Antonio McDyess shoots a fadeaway jumper, I cringe. Yet somehow, someway, they go in more often than not.

• Sheed just picked up his third. Here's hoping that he can comeback with renewed vigor in the second half, but somehow I doubt it.

• Can someone explain to me why on Earth the refs decided to change their entire philosophy on calling fouls in MOTHERFUCKING SEVENTH GAME OF THE NBA FINALS? They haven't been calling perimeter hand checks all series long, yet now Chauncey, Frenchie Parker and Manwurst have each picked up two total bullshit fouls. Let the players play, you bald ass cock knockers! Where's Big Poppa Nies when you need him?

• I know that Bill Walton has been pulling for The Alamo-mo's all series, but why does he gotta be SO incredibly one-sided in his commentary? I wonder who gets laid less ... Bill Walton or Gregg Popovich? Both should be taking hourly Proactiv baths.

• Was that Salma Hayek just spotted sitting behind David Robinson???

• Three consecutive possessions and three consecutive B-B-B-Ben Wallace dunks? Gotta like the penetration that the Piston guards are getting.

• Bringing Elden Campbell in for the last minute of the second quarter is a genius coaching decision by Larry Brown. I love preventing Ben and Antonio from picking up a third foul in junk time ... buzz.

Okay, phew, halftime. Pistons are up 1 at halftime? Some say a miracle, especially considering Chauncey went 1-3 for four points in only 8 minutes. And how many halves this year did Rip for 4-12? Not many. I like where we sit after 24 minutes, although your Uncle Grambo is pretty much scared shitless at this point. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. To keep my mind off the game, here's some long overdue PHC.

More celebrity tatts than you can shake a stick at. NSFW (robvs). Your Uncle Grambo has ALWAYS been a big fan of Amanda Peet's rack, but I preferred her "Igby" topless scenes to "The Whole Nine Yards" ...

Kelly Ripa may or may not be a Lollipop Head, but there's no denying that she's looks bananaz in a bikini.

Okay, game's back on. Chauncey just picked up his third and Rasheed just picked up his fourth. And we're only 51 seconds into the third quarter. Fucking fuck.

This Is How A Heart Breaks

• The refs are calling this one way too tight on the perimeter, but letting a LOT of shit slide in the paint. That doesn't bode well for my `Stons. Chauncey picking up his second foul is going to hurt Detroit more than Manwurst getting his.

• I don't like the fact that Ben Wallace is leading the team in scoring. That's NEVER a good sign.

• Where the fuck is Sheed? Man, homeboy had better step that shit up in Q2.

• Lindsey Hunter is worthless when forced to play more than four minutes in a row.

• Al Michaels is makin' me thirsty ... why can't he just explain what's going on out on the floor? There have been at least four stoppages in play where the viewers are clueless as to why play stopped. Obvs, that's what play-by-play guys are there for.

• The pessimist in your Uncle Grambo doesn't like the fact that ABC's on-screen shot and game clocks have been busted for minutes and minutes on end ... that's a bad omen.

Here's hoping Q2 goes better. For those of you out there like me, here's a Pammy Anderson NSFW nip slip to calm your frazzled nerves.

I Predict A Riot

By now I'm sure you've noticed that your Uncle Grambo has been unable to blog for the last few days due to some hellaciously bizz circumstances in both my personal and professional lives. Saw "Land Of The Dead", watched Game 6, drank some extra curricular liqs with Foxy Jess, tweaked some creative at the last-minute on a big new product launch, got hammered on Sidecars and Haribo bears ... you know, the typical week in the life of a superstar Detroit blogger.

My apologies, I'm going to try and have a few posts up before tonight's game. Who knows, there may even be some blissful post-victory blogging going down late night stizz! Or perhaps some teary tirades. It all depends on the outcome of tonight's Game 7. I know T-Muffle will be watching, will you? If the fates smile upon the denizens of The D™, then both Manwurst and Tim "The Alamo-mo" Duncan't will have a nasty slip and fall accident in the pool of Proactiv solution that collects beneath Gregg "Pizza Face" Poppodurst's chair during games. Marsbars.

Until then, here's a pic from Saturday night of Damore and The Chipple Girl. More eks to follow l8s. Go `Stons!

Darko: On The Waterfront

Well, at least he didn't pull a Cedric Ceballos and go AWOL, Lake Havasu stizz! But seriously Darko, aren't there better ways to prepare for an NBA Finals game than tooling around an E Coli infested lake on a Sea-Doo? Two eagle eyed FOWs, Hungry Like The Wolf and GK Vibe, spotted the 7-foot pine brother outside of Jack's Waterfront in St. Clair Shores on Saturday afternoon ... they sent along these snaps to preserve the hottness for everyone. Let's just hope that the former #2 draft pick didn't decide to spend last night operating a paddleboat off San Antonio's famed Riverwalk. Marzipan.

Although things are looking grim at this point, you KNOW your Uncle Grambo is gonna be up til the breaka breaka dawn this evening rooting the Pistons on. That is, after we get home from a hott "Land Of The Dead" screening @ Star Southfield. Bring it on!