SNL Season 31 ... REVEALED!

In the pantheon of SNL guest hosts, there is Alec Baldwin and then there is everybody else. Aside from John Goodman, he's the only member of the Five Timer Club who still has the unmitigated fearlessness to still step up to the plate and attempt to smack yet another skit out the box. Where you at, Steve Martin? We'd rather see you doing the Tut than trying to bang Claire Danes. Hey Hanks, can't you get up the gumption to ask that gummy Wilson broad you married for permission to remove your balls from her purse for a week? All kidding aside, when naturally gifted comedians like these two turn their back on what made them a star in the first place, we all lose.

But then again, that's what makes Baldwin so best. Is there any other guest host who true blue SNL fans look forward to seeing more? Methinks not. That said, here are Nummer and H-Bomb with this week's edition of their patented pre-show comments.

NUMMER	H-BOMB
Episode 8: Alec Baldwin / Shakira (12/10/05)
Since SNL has been slowly improving since November's Jason Lee episode, it is up to veteran host Alec Baldwin to keep the momentum moving forward. Normally I'd say a Baldwin episode is automatic coneys seeing than most of his track record speaks for itself. Just check out last May's "Best of Alec Baldwin" special for the proof. However, his last hosting gig back in 2003 was merely an average outing. Let's hope it wasn't a hint that his best SNL moments are behind him. As with any Baldwin episode, you can expect one or two of his recurring characters to pop up. I'm sure we'll see an installment of "The Tony Bennett Show" and perhaps another go around with Dr. Frank Landsman (the odd plastic surgeon introduced last time he hosted). Baldwin's 2003 episode also marked the debut of Seth Meyers' "Dave Clinger" sketches with Baldwin playing rival scientist Greg Burns. Since Seth hasn't performed Dave Clinger yet this season, I wouldn't be suprised to see a "Burns/Zinger" rematch. Of course, I'll again keep my fingers crossed for another Bill Brasky or Mimic sketch, but I'm sure we'll see Paul Schweaty redux before either one of those. For musical duties, Lorne again looks to Shakira who last appeared in 2001 on a rare split musical bill with the forgotten Bubba Sparxxx. I'll admit "Objection (Tango)" was a nice cornerstone of early '00s pop, but her recent stuff doesn't have me looking forward to two new performances on SNL.	Despite his last stint on SNL back in 2003 being just so-so, I still think Alec Baldwin is always a good call as the show's host. The problems that plagued Baldwin's last appearance were mediocre writing and the recurring bit trap. Inevitably, we will see some recurring skits because Baldwin has been hosting for too many years to avoid that, so the key there will be in choosing the right ones. But add that sketch combination to the show's already improved sketch writing and the talent of cast members like Hader, Sudiekis, Armisen and Wiig, and Baldwin really has no excuse but to offer up at least an above average episode. Shakira, on the otherhand, is a toss-up for me. I think she is adorable and a great singer and dancer, but I'm not all that impressed with her latest music. At least she can't be worse than James Blunt, right?

The Straw That Broke The Grambo's Back

Right off the bat, I wanna set something straight. I've got nothing personal against Vanegas as a person. Swear. I've met him on a few occasions, we've chatted, and he seems like a nice enough brosnan. Admittedly, it's been amusing watching a local contemporary ascend from minor blogfame to the point where he's getting photos taken with Madge and Jakey-Poo. Up until this point, he's been pretty harmless. But all that changed yesterday with the release of this t-shirt.

My question to you, dear reader, is this. Don't you motherfuckers realize that Pink is the living embodiment of everything that is wrong with The Blogosphere™? Over the last few months, his site has gradually morphed from a guilty pleasure into the most vile, vain and viciously mediocre website going today. Honestly, I'd like for someone to tell me the last time that anything actually resembling ORIGINAL appeared on his site. I guess that the appeal comes from the fact that he's become the de facto one-stop shop for all things glossy and celeb-focused but honestly, what's with third-grade level captions that he puts on pictures!?! It simply baffles me how he has managed to pull the wool over so many people's eyes with something so shoddily constructed and so appalling empty. When Bunsen called his site "genius" in the NYT, believe me when I say that I nearly retched on my trusty HP.

I've had private conversations with a number of you over the last few months to try and get a grasp on the Pink phenomenon. Almost everyone I've spoke to seems equally shocked that something so low-grade in quality gets so highly praised. Yet no one will publicly speak about it, likely out of fear that they will get labeled as jealous or homophobic or something along those lines. For the longest time, my group of confidants and I decided that there was nothing to be gained for calling out a dude like Vanegas in public. But when word got to me last night about those atrocious t-shirts, I decided then and there it was time to call a spade a spade. Pink is the new worst.

Let's face facts, folks. The Blogosphere™ has become a buffet line of mediocrity. And like a bunch of sad sacks at Ponderosa on payday, we all keep lining up for that third helping of mashed taters and gruel. To me, Pink Is The New Blog is the very manifestation of everything that's wrong with our celebrity-driven culture. While I will certainly cop to feeding the machine by being WAY more into gossip than your average bear, I find it hard to believe that more people haven't realized that this Blog Emperor isn't actually wearing any clothes. Which, in a sense, makes the fact that he's selling t-shirts hilariously ironic. Does he have any original thoughts? When was the last time he broke any stories or posted any original content? It's not hard to determine the reason that he waits until the afternoon to post is that he's combing every other site for content (and until recently, he never gave any of these sites any sort of proper accreditation). As much as I loathe that Perez dude and his entire schtick, you gotta give the man some respect for going out and pounding the pavement every day trying to break some stories.

And I have I mentioned those shirts? I have respected the merch efforts of Vanegas up to this point (wish I would've thought of those bumper stickers), but these shirts are just plain atrocious. It would be one thing if they possessed some semblence of a "Isn't Celebrity Silly?" undercurrent, but it's clear to this blogga that they were driven solely by the twin engines of ego and commerce. Aside from being boring, they are indulgent to the point of being repulsive.

I'm sure that this post will result in an avalanche of hate mail / comments / what-have-you, but I just couldn't bring myself to stand silent on the sidelines anymore. Call me Midwest, but I find it more than a little sad that there are seemingly solid people out who devote their entire lives to the pursuit of the empty sugar rush that celeb goss provides. Does Pink really think that Madonna has or ever will give him a second thought? Does Vanegas truly believe that Nicole Richie wanted anything from him other than an opportunity to get her book in front of 100,000+ readers per day? From reading his site (and from the fact that heDJ'd some Cobrasnake-sponsored gig), I'm not convinced that the answer to those questions isn't yes.

As most of you know, your Uncle Grambo long since stopped pursuing any sort of blog notoriety. There are hundreds if not thousands of blogs where you can go to find out that Paris Hilton got engaged (or unengaged, I can't keep track) or that Foxy Brown is def deaf. Because my personal and professional lives have taken some life-altering turns in the last six months or so, the fact of the matter is that I'm not going to post everyday. Shocking news, I know. There really isn't any point of me scouring message boards and combing through Page Six for scoopage anymore -- there are tons of people out there who are willing (key word) to devote their lives to doing just that on a continual basis. They can do it WAY faster (but not better) than me. I have resigned myself to that fact, and I am betting that the readers who still frequent whatevs.org are fully cognizant of that and find other kinds of value from my site.

But that's another conversation for another day (and probably a few beers). I'd like to conclude this post with this: When I read P.I.T.N.B., I leave feeling empty on the inside. As I mentioned in the second sentence of this post, I've got nothing against our boy Vanegas as a person. He seems like a good guy and I hope that he's able to achieve everything in life that he sets his mind to. Local guy makes it to the big time, I can get with that. I just think it's a sad reflection on the overall state of The Blogosphere™ when a site as vapid and soulless as his is being slathered with praised for being the motherfucking bee's knees. That is all.

Blessed Is He Who Expects Nothing

"... for he shall never be disappointed." — Alexander Pope

Preach on, Pope Of Chili Town! Even though homeslice kicked the proverbial bucket over 250 years ago, his words have brought calm and comfort to Uncle Grambo over the last devastatingly durst 48 hours or so. For not only did the Detroit Lions' season recently take swift descent from merely disappointing to truly despicable, but news broke that my beloved Wolverines won't be playing a Bowl Game on New Year's Day for the first time in 10 years. Instead of a trip to sunny FLA or SoCal, the Wolverine Nation will have to suffer the indignity of playing an unranked Nebraska team on December 28 (!!!) in the godforsaken heart of the Ala-MoMo, San Antonio Texas. Yep, the very same territory where the Pistons got punk'd in Game 7 of the NBA Finals by the Spurs. Eff me in the goat ass!

I don't know about your philosophies on sports, but your Uncle Grambo will firmly state that this aggression will not stand, man. It's like Matt Millen and Lloyd Carr came into MY loft and peed all over MY CB2 rug. I'm sick and tired of defending Lloyd Carr and his unwavering commitment to mediocrity (7-6 in their last 13 games, including a Rose Bowl defeat, two losses to Notre Durst and two losses to OSU). I'm sick and tired of watching the Lions up the ante on pitiful ways to lose week after week (this week, they got blasted by Brad Effing Johnson, an aging backup QB whom the Lions passed up this offseason in favor of Jorge Garcia). Frankly folks, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. But you know me, man ... I can't complain.

So what's a blogga to do in a dire sitch like this? Rock it bullet stizz, that's what!

• Ah yes. When sales are slumping, it's always a REAL good strategy to stop marketing to gay people. Between their automotive division and the Detroit Lions, isn't everyone just a little sick and tired of the Ford family these days?

• Hamtramck's Sidestreet Cafe burned down over the weekend. Total bummer. Hamtramck hipsters in search of a good reuben will now have to go elsewhere.

• Congrats to Spike, Sara and the rest of the Mojo & The Morning crew for scoring a World Exclusive interview with Eminem in which he confirmed that he and Kim are back together and considering getting remarried. Whoa. UPDATE: Hit up the podcast, yo!

• Happy (belated) birthday to FlakMag's Bob Cook.

• One of The D™'s most respected radio jocks, Martin Bandyke, was shown the door yesterday by his superiors at WDET-FM. Can't say that I ever really got a chance to listen to him (your Uncle Grambo is a jungle-dwellin' clone, robvs), but I know that he'll be missed.

• Mark Lisanti, aka Defamer, is profiled in the latest issue of Los Angeles. [via Romenesko]

• Web Vomit conducts some interesting analysis on why many B-level bands are skipping Detroit in favor of Columbus. His conclusion? It's because no one goes to shows anymore!

• Bob Hilburn, the esteemed lead LAT music critic, will be retiring soon. He will be missed. [via Coolfer]

• Bombs over Baghdad, indeed. Chesty (and underrated) "Laguna Beach" B-lister Jessica Smith (one of Skeet's "Babes of `05") just scored a plum gig with St. Martin's Press to promote their travel book series, Let's Go. Might we finally have a worthy successor to "Taradise"? If the pic below is any indication, your Uncle Grambo thinks the answer is BOVS!