SNL Season 31 ... REVEALED!

It's already been well-established that, during the time of my hiatus, a lot changed in the world. Not necessarily anything that had colossal geopolitical ramifications, nor any that radically altered life as we know it, but it's important that the world didn't stop turning just because your Uncle Grambo was in rehab on hiatus. Rather, there were some rather seismic shifts in the proverbial faultlines of pop culture during the 36 days between posts on this here online diary.

Sure, LiLo admitted she loves the blow and hates the calories. And yes, Angelina Jolie copped to being inseminated by Bong Pitt. Even The Newlyweds took the time to share with all of us that they'd rather be banging other people ... forever. But eff all that noise, the most significant thing that happened in my absence was that ... GASP ... "Saturday Night Live" got GRRRREAT! Honestly, who'da thunk it?

Which is why it pains me to say this, but during my self-imposed sabbatical, the always reliable and altogetherly best evs duo of Nummer and H-Bomb were churning out reviews. But your Uncle Grambo did not take time to share them with the world, and for this I am hoping that both the loyal FOWs as well as my loyal SNL experts accept my humble apologies. Please find reviews for the last three episodes (the Dane Cook snoozefest will be posted later this PM) below, as well as duo's patented Pre-Show Comments for this week's Peter Sarsgaard / Strokes episode. Please enjoy the hottness...

Episode 8: Alec Baldwin and Shakira

Episode 9: Jack Black and Neil Young

Episode 10: Scarlett Johansson and Death Cab For Cutie

NUMMER	H-BOMB
Episode 11: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes (1/21/06)
Dubbed the next great character actor, Peter Sarsgaard will make his SNL debut this weekend as host. His IMDB bio states he co-founded a comedy improv group called "Mama's Pot Roast" and that he also has training with the Actors' Studio in New York. Since he is still virtually unknown, I have to say I'm glad to find out he has some background in comedy. Making their first appearance on the SNL stage since their legendary episode with Jack Black back in January 2002 are The Strokes. Since I love their latest album "First Impressions of Earth", I have no doubts that Julian and company will deliver two perfect performances. I'm also hoping this episode delivers more Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. They were pretty much absent from last week's Johansson episode, so they are definitely due more screen time.	When I first found out that Peter Sarsgaard was hosting the show this week, I had a hard time placing the name with a face. Upon discovering who he was, I realized that I had only seen him act in one movie, "Garden State", which was hardly a comedy. However, as with all new hosts that I'm not familiar with, I'm still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt of putting on a decent show, especially in light of the improved sketch writing we've seen over the last several episodes. The Strokes, on the other hand, will surely be one of the highlights of SNL this Saturday. These guys never fail to bring a great performance to the table and I wouldn't expect anything else from their second guest spot on the show.

BabeFest `06: Coming To A Multiplex Near You

You like movies? You like babes? You like simple pleasures, like butter in your ass and lollipops in your mouth? If you answered yes to the first two questions, this is going to be one helluva weekend for you¹. The local multiplexes will be awash with babeage the likes of which hasn't been seen since "Blue Crush" left theatres (holla atcha, Penny Chadwick). This post is going to be dedicated to three hotties that your Uncle Grambo will be crushin' on this weekend.

Kate Beckinsale. Holy crapballs. Your Uncle Grambo has seen some Backstage Betties in his day, but this prime piece of bodacious British besteverness has got me nine kinds of riled up. After seeing "Underworld:Evolution" last night, my enthrallment with this luxurious piece of lass has not dimmed a smidge. As a film, I'd say that it was a moderate success -- the fanboys will go ga-ga apeshit over it, but your normal moviegoers (like Damore and myself) will sit through most of the movie thinking, "What in the sam hell is going on here?" Despite the fact that I saw the first movie (twice!), I still spent the first 45 minutes of this one completely adrift the plot. It certainly doesn't help that every character is pale and wears leather and that every shot has been filmed through some sort of blue-ish filter.

But, that said, the action scenes are pretty intense, there are more bullets fired than in "The Matrix", and the monster death scenes will make the Fangoria freaks flip their wigs in amazement. Plus there's a 3-way vampire orgy and BeckinBestEvs gets nude. Oh, and for the ladies, your boy Scott Speedman spends the entire film shirtless. So I guess he's got that going for him. (2.5 stars out of 5)

ScarJo. Holy crapballs. I can't remember seeing an actress radiate this much on-screen carnal heat since Paz Vega in "Sex and Lucia"; if you saw that movie and are pickin' up what your Uncle Grambo is throwing down, I'm sure you'll be first in line this evening to catch a screening of "Match Point." I was fortch enough to catch a screening on Tuesday with The Senator and The Grizz, and all three of us agreed that it was one of the most tension-filled films that we could ever remember. Everyone's been trumpeting this flick as The Woodman's return to form, which is kind of weird to me because it feels so displaced from the rest of his canon, both location-wise and thematically. But there's no arguing the fact that a trip across the pond rejuvinated everyone's favorite Upper West Side neurotic, much like it did with Bob Altman and "Gosford Park." It's a total must see, if only to catch a few torrid glimpses of ScarJo's ladybazzers. (4.5 stars out of 5)

Q'Orianka Kilcher. Holy crapballs. Yes, I know, she's only 15, which means that you can't poke-her-hantas unless you want to end up doing time. Irregardless, if you've caught the trailer for Terry Malick's "The New World", you know that our gal Q has the potential to be a hottie of nearly unrivaled proportions. I haven't seen this film yet so I can't bestow it with any stars, but you can bet your ass I'll be first in line at the Forum 30 tomorrow morning to see it. Marsbars.

Then again, if you prefer watching dudes in tight pants touch each others' butts, the NFL playoffs will be on all day Sunday. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOSBALL?!?

¹If you answered yes to the last question, I'm suspecting every weekend is a good weekend for you. Robvs.

Bend It Like Beckinsale

There are hot bitches and then there are HOT BITCHES. Kate BeckinBestEvs definitely falls into the latter category. Which, if you think about it, is kind of ironic considering that the niche she dominates is that of the Iciest of the Ice Queens. When you mix that steely British demeanor of hers (the pouty lips! the haughty accent! the porcelain skin!) with a distinctly All-American bod (those gams! those (fake?) ladybazzers! those teeth!), you have got yourself a killer combo of unrivaled proportions. The kind of girl that when says "Come hither", you're already there. The kind of woman that Keira Knightley could morph into after a few years and at least one visit to Dr. Roche. The kind of girl that you'd drop everything for, well knowing that she's gonna dump your ass as soon as she gets bored.

In other words, the girl of your dreams AND the girl of your nightmares wrapped up in one tasty package. Which is why your Uncle Grambo could not possibly be MORE geeked to catch "Underworld:Evolution" this eve. I'll be back with a full report tomorrow on the lychen-vamp 3-way orgy of S&M leather BeckinBestEvs hottness. BOW!

[pics via Kate Beckinsale Dot Net]

Fix Kong

Just kidding. Self-deprecation is gonna be all the rage in `06, trust you me.

That said, the length of time that "Fix Kong" has lived on the site demonstrates that my prognosticating skills leave something to be desired. In the time since I drew the analogy between Kong and the Indianapolis Football Colts way back on December 12th, "Narnia" has gone on to outgross "Kong" by nearly $60 million and the Colts were eliminated in their first playoff game. Who'da thunk it? I guess alls I can say is "Oopsie daisy" and "On With The Bovs"...

Anywho, it's good to see that one of Damon Lindelof's New Year's Resolutions was to get back to basics and return the focus of his runaway hit show back to the characters who we're all so invested in. Aside from the redonkulously best evs season opener, "Lost" has broken a number of intrinsic promises that the first season made to the show's rabid fanbase. It's almost as if the show's producers fell into the trap of believing that the way that the media has positioned their show (the suspense! the mythology!) was the reason that the show became such a success — your Uncle Grambo would posit that those were important factors, but what REALLY made the show a success was the astounding amount of attention that J.J. Abram and Lindelof paid to character development (if you don't believe me, when was the last time that YOU watched "Invasion"?).

Don't believe the flacks or the articles you read in EW, we all know that the introduction of the tailies serves primarily as a convenient means to extend the shelf life of the series (more suspense + more mythology = more episodes = more money). And in doing so, our principles (Jack, Locke, Kate, Sawyer) were rendered to being secondary characters ON THEIR OWN SHOW for nearly three months; weeks went by without the four sharing one second of screen time together, and other interactions were sparse one-offs that lasted no more than a few passing seconds. There hasn't been a slippage in creative quality control that pissed me off like this since Episodes 17-20 of "Twin Peaks" (Remember when Nadine got super strength and joined the wrestling team at the high school? Yeah, me neither). Maybe it's a symptom of the TV-on-DVD culture that we live in (confession: I watched Season 1 in the course of one weekend just as Season 2 began), but the last three months of "Lost" episodes have left me feeling completely betrayed.

Until tonight, that is. Without divulging any spoiler buzz negativo, tonight's episode seems to point to an epiphanous moment for our boy Lindelof. One in which he remembered the old adage to "keep it simple, stupid." By that, I mean he followed the formula established in Season One: focus on the core characters (in "real time" and flashback), don't neglect the secondary players (Hurley, Charlie, Jin), throw in some thrills mid-show and close out on a high note. BAM!

If you're a "Lost" fanatic, be sure and check out a newly launched site called Long Live Locke. It's written by someone who goes by the nom de blog of E; not only is she one of my oldest friends, but also my 9th grade homecoming date! Bovs. How's that for old school, yo? Fall 1988, whut whut!

I'm not so sure I agree with my boy Lisanti's post, "In Defense Of The Bra-Less Drew Barrymore." Sure looked to this viewer like those ladybazzers coulda used some boob panties. When I think elbows, I want to be thinking macaroni ... not the height of Gertie's sweater puppies. Mozzlebovs.

Less than two months til Bynes is back on the big screen with "She's The Man"! Just Jared has some new stills from the movie, which is an modern day adaptation of Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" with Bynes playing the Viola/Cesario role. Maybe it's just me, but her drag resemblance to a young Ben Gibbard is giving me the heebiejeebies.

I'm admittedly about nine months late on the Imogen Heap bandwagon, but god damn it if her recent performance on "The Late Show With David Letterman" wasn't one of those legendary performances that will make the hair on Alyssa Milano's forearms the back of your neck stand up. Not nearly as rad as Springsteen's performance of "Thunder Road" at the Hammersmith Odeon in `75, but then again, nothing is. [via Sweet Religion and Don't Link This, respectivo]

If T.O. met Eagles cheerleader Ali, you can bet he wouldn't be looking to leave Philly. Come to think of it, this girl should've been cast on "Flavor Of Love"; she's thick like Miss Latin but comes without the mysterious facial scar (not to mention the baggage of an ex-boyfriend named Cash, of all things ... WTF?!?).

Looking for the front-runner for best music video of 2K6? You'd be wise to put the upcoming collaboration betwixt RHCP and Tony Kaye on your shortlist.

Homegirl is HOR-NAY! She's bout to steamroll the cast!

The Betty Harrison Ford Clinic

Ladies and germs, I present the next candidate for A&E's "Intervention" ... Harrison Ford. Count 'em. One two three four five stages, Kubler-Ross stizz.

1) DENIAL:

"Oh shit, I just walked out on stage with my Bombay Sapphire and 7-Up! Wait, don't panic just yet. I can FIX this. I'm Indiana Jones. I'm Han Solo. I'm Jack Ryan. I can FIX this, brah!"

2) ANGER:

"Motherfucker, I thought this cash bar was beer and wine ONLY!"

3) BARGAINING:

"Listen here, Mr. Drinkie Drinkerson. I'll pretend YOU don't exist if you pretend I don't exist. Only this cue card stands between us now ... oh, don't be sad. I'll call you later (wink wink nudge nudge)."

4) DEPRESSION:

"Oh man, my sponsor is gonna be SO pissed."

5) ACCEPTANCE:

"Hey Vag, uh, I mean, Virginia ... be a good broad and hold this cuppa gin for ole Indy, k? Don't tell Calista. Shmears."