Built 4 Cuban Linx

In an interview directly ripped from the Penelope Spheeris playbook ("The Decline Of Western Civilization 2: The Metal Years" stizz), ABC's Stu Scott cornered Dallas Mavs billionaire blowhard blogger Mark Cuban while he was on a STAIRMASTER during last night's pre-game! Clearly in the throes of fatigue, the oxygen-depleted Cuban threw down the gauntlet by claiming he knew more Wiggles lyrics than Shaq-Fu. I shit you not. Some say worst attempt to front since "Forget Oreos, eat Cool J cookies." And yes, I just said "front."

OMG! DID YOU HEAR? ANGELPITTAVOIGHT HAD A BABY! Seriously, fuck that noize. You want a prime example of why your Uncle Grambo continues to remain so fed up with The Blogosphere™? Over 650 blogs uttered a collective "BAAAAA!" when the baby buzz broke this week. Even worse is the smugly defiant air that bloggers are taking in the wake of Lockhart Steele's stunning TKO of tabloid lawyer Nick Jollymore (memo to Time Inc: next time, try hiring Lionel Hutz). Wake up and smell your own B.O., bloggers ... you're not a bad ass crusader for First Amendment rights just because you host jpegs of The Messiah* on blogspot.com.

Timely! Wiley Wiggins on this week's Criterion release of "Dazed And Confused" on DVD. [via Leaf]

God damn, Olivia Munn makes me wanna la-la! If your Uncle Grambo were to offer a solitary piece of advice to Julie Chen, it'd be to make damn well sure you set some parental controls on G4TV, stat. Because if Les Moonves gets even a GLIMPSE of The Munnstress, Chen's gonna find herself with a one-way bus ticket to Dumpsville. [pic via About.com]

Give me a break. Wolf Parade to Tour With Frog Eyes. Sometimes I can't help but loathe indie rock.

Hottness. Luna to release a comp called "Lunafied", comprising solely of cover tunes they recorded over the years. Your Uncle Grambo is still a firm believer that the band would have had a MAJOR hit on their hands with their cover of "Sweet Child O'Mine" in the summer of 1999, but Sheryl Crow's gawd awful cover usurped all of their buzz. [via Amber Rambles]

Boom! Bazooka Joe! Where's Big Rand when you need him? [via Ad Rants]

Got plans tonight? Cancel 'em. Unless, of course, those plans involve hitting up The Magic Bag for The Prime Ministers' record release party. Come out and celebrate the Detroit area's premier purveyors of power pop, whose "Budget Cuts" EP once again demonstrates that the band excels at getting the most out of their limited time in the studio. If someone gave this band $10 grand to make a record, the Fountains Of Wayne would be quaking in their boots. Be sure to arrive early, lest you miss the electric shmears of Last Tourist and the literate pop-folk of Great Lakes Myth Society.

I didn't manage to catch much of the MTV Movie Awards last night, mainly b/c I was watching the Mavs confidently dismantle the Heat. But your Uncle Grambo did flip for about 10 during halftime to peruse the haps on the craps. I saw Gnarls destroy it (shouldn't Scotty Stereogum be getting more credit for breaking that song way back in October `05?), I witnessed Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly decimate what little buzz "Talladega Nights" had with one of the most poorly conceived bits in the history of awards shows, and I saw Jessica Alba emote in a manner best described as "origami-like." Which reminds me, is anybody else out there kind of onboard with Archivo De Famosa's assertion that Miss Alba just might have surgically altered breastisesses (click on the for a higher-res view)? Your Uncle Grambo doesn't want to brag, but I've seen more than a few pairs of bigger natural tiggalos with my own two yeux that don't have stretch marks in this area. Sounds like a case for Ralph Cirella or Justin Don't Link This. DEVELOPING!

*Btw, best nickname I've seen so far.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Your Uncle Grambo hasn't written one of these type of posts in a good, long while. Ergo, I'm happy to present to you, the FOW Nation, a few things that have been floating my proverbial boat of late.

BEST! Record You Must Stop At Nothing To Possess: Guster, "Ganging Up On The Sun"
— This utterly amazing LP is proof positive of what happens when record labels adhere to the oldest of adages, "Patience is a virtue." By recognizing that Guster is the type of band that would flourish when given the freedom to decide what pace to till their creative soil, everyone's gonna come up a winner when this record hits shelves on 6/20. This time around, the band has managed to evolve from granola-y college rock to a formula that's probably best described as "vintage". They still retain the catchy, jangly guitar sound that got them signed in the first place, but the addition of multi-instrumentalist Joe Pisapia has allowed them to stretch in ways they were never able to before before. Songs like "The Captain", "One Man Wrecking Machine" and "Manifest Destiny" will plant themselves firmly inside your noggin' upon the first listen, a place they're likely to stay for years and years. Trust your Uncle Grambo on this one folks, this is THE album of the year.

BEST! After-School Activity: Tennis
— Ever since Malbersblows and Coach Glinka left their former stomping grounds of suburban Detroit for the greener pastures of Chi-Town, your Uncle Grambo has been left without a tennis partner. Which, truth be told, really bummed a blogga out. Fortch for me, The Senator was game to try and see if her mad ping pong skillz translated to the hardcourts over the long Mem Day weekend. Doubly fortch for me, it turns out she's got game. By the end of the month, my killer two-handed backhand should be back to where it was circa 1992. Amy Frazier, I'm gunning for ya!

BEST! Alternative To Vitamin Water: ADVANCE by POWERade
— Despite their egregious overuse of capital letters, this is the best caffeine and taurine laced bevvy to hit the market since B To The E. It holds a distinct advantage of other energy drizzies in that it doesn't have the sour aftertaste you find in the likes of Red Bull or Rockstar. As far as this consumer can see, the only thing holding this back from being the most popular drink since H20 is distribution; you can't find this shizz anywhere. Someone in Hotlanta has gotta fix this, STAT!

BEST! Sweater Puppies: Brandy Talore
— Woof!

BEST! Jewel In The "Comedy Central" Crown: "The Showbiz Show With David Spade"
— Seriously, eff Jon Stewart and eff Stephen Colbert. Try telling me that the cultural significance of these jagoffs' political humour didn't jump the porpoise in Election Year 2004. Some might say the same thing about David Spade (only substitute "gossip" with "political" and "1996" with "2004"), but clearly those people AREN'T tuning in on Thursdays at 10pm to the show with the highest laughs-per-minute ratio in the biz. Spade, aka The Godfather of Snark, proves on a weekly basis that the Paul Scheer's and Joel McHale's of the world still have a lot to learn. Added bonus points for giving the magma-riffic Jessi Klein a forum to rant and rave.

BEST! Way To Stretch Your Pre-Frontal Cortex: "Brain Age" (Nintendo DS)
— Your Uncle Grambo is 100% convinced that the Nintendo DS is way ahead of its time. Although I count a handful of hardcore Nerdtendo afficianados among my closest friends (The Grizz, Nummer, Peabs, Tizz), I don't know a single soul (besides Y.T.) that owns the DS. My doubts were erased once I picked up "Brain Age", a game that broke shitloads of sales records in Japan and turned the DS Lite into the hottest handheld in Asia. By flexing your brain instead of your trigger fingers with mathematical speed drills and word memory challenges, it's the type of game that is so best that it virtually DEMANDS that you purchase the DS (kinda like "Sonic" did for Sega Genesis).

BEST! Stoner Comedy That's Enjoyable For Stoners and Non-Stoners Alike: "Waiting"
— TIME TO SHOW `EM THE GOAT! Even though Ryan Reynolds' perfectly sculpted eyebrows wig me out every second that he's on screen, this movie is destined to become one of those tragically underrated comedic classics, alongside the likes of "Dirty Work" and "Saving Silverman" ... mmmmBEST! Propers out to Lindsay Lindsayism for the reco, yo.

BEST! Example Of Worst Product Spokesman Evs: Godzilla, on behalf of Doritos
— Fucking WRRRRST! Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? I'd like to meet the agency fucks who managed to pull the wool over their clients' eyes with this campaign. First, I'd congratulate them for putting themselves in a position where they have the absolute trust of their client. But then, I'd be sure to dole out high-powered karate kicks to their nards for unleashing the durst pitchman pitchTHING since a Dropped Dead Fred Astaire post-humously shilled Dirt Devils. No buzz.

Jumbotron

Round these parts, the biggest news story these days doesn't involve the collapse of the auto industry, the collapse of the Pistons, nor the (near) collapse of our border security. Nope, the media has puzzlingly decided to concentrate its efforts on providing round-the-clock coverage of the grand opening of the IKEA store (!!!) in the WT suburb of Canton. Yes, that's right, I said an IKEA store.

For the life of me, your Uncle Grambo cannot place his finger on why in the samhell the print and telly journos have whipped all the local yokels into a frenzy about a store where they all they sell shitty DIY furniture and Swedish meatballs. I can't help but thinking that the 300 douchebagelows who camped out in the parking lot for the last week will be anything but disappointed when they walk through the doors and realize that there's nothing really that sexy about a big warehouse. After all, it's essentially the same as Home Depot or any other giant big box, but with carpeted floors instead of cement covered in wood shavings. Shit like this makes me sad for the Midwest in general and the state of Michigan in particular. Because time and time again, we manage to get ourselves all geeched the second we think anyone is paying attention to us.

Don't get me wrong, your Uncle Grambo hearts the Midwest and the lifestyle around here WAY more than your average bear. It's just that I wish that people `round here would realize that we're BETTER than this. That there's more to life than getting your panties in a bunch over foreign retailers in your backyard. I don't want to get all Dr. Phil (or even Tyler Durden) on your collective asses, but it's about god damn time we stand up for ourselves and don't succumb to the stereotypes. I don't care if you go outside and play some tennis or sit inside and watch "Janice Dickinson's Modeling Agency" on Oxygen, just please do SOMETHING that doesn't involve IKEA. There are times to fall in line and there are times to defiantly (albeit metaphorically) shout "FAIR IS FAIR!" ... this one's the latter.

• Speaking of "Janice Dickinson's Modeling Agency" on Oxygen, did you watch that shit last night? Might be the best reality show since "Supergroup" on VH1. It's prob best described as "ANTM" meets "Real World: Miami" (you know, the one where they TRIED to start that business). Only that Janice Dickinson is WAY more crazed and WAY more ambitious than any single castmember from either of those shows. Which makes for ridiculously appealing TV, trust you me. Plus, who knew that Amber Smith became so jumbotron?

  On the other end of the spectrum, you've got "My Fair Brady 2." This show is possibly the most gut-wrenchingly insipid piece of television ever to air on VH1 (and that's saying a LOT, my fine feathered friends). When future generations study our society, I'm fairly convinced that the union between Peter Brady and Adrianne Curry will go down in the realm of all-time bad marriages (alongside Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky and Liza Minelli and David Gest). Fer Chrissakes, their crux of their relationship revolves around that flat-chested Amazonian sloot from Joliet dressing up in decidedly unkinkified faux bondage gear that she bought in the lingerie section of Hot Topic! While that might be a deece excuse to have some reasonable fun betwixt the sheets for a week or three, it's clearly not a good reason to get hitched.

  And shouldn't the producers have known better than to at least time the wedding a little better? After all, it ruins the train-wreck appeal of the show to know that the pair have already got married. Heck, your Uncle Grambo might have watched if I thought that there was an inkling of a possibility that Peter Brady (who must be going to the same gym as Carrot Top) would dump that WT broad of his on her arse. Fortch for me, now I can tune out with a clear conscience.

• Heat Wave? More like a Garbage Wave! Say it ain't so, Martha Reeves.

• Over on The Spin-off, Skeet NAILS this visibly awk meeting betwixt Jessica Alba and Andy Dick (who, btw, was smoking weed and begging strangers for coke backstage): "andy dick makes jessica alba feel uncomfortable and awkward and i believe we can all hear the fake laughter from here as well as the expression, 'that's really great, andy, but i have to go back on stage'."

• Your Uncle Grambo doesn't care if you're friggin' John Updike, you'll never be able to touch the overall greatness of David Palmer's writing portfolio.

• They had me at "...From the makers of Wario Ware."

• Um, best! Looks like they're gonna remake "The Stepfather", which was one of my fave VHS rentals of the late `80s. Who am I here?
  RELATED: Rob Zombie + Michael Myers = mmmmmmBEST!!! [via Nummer]

• Hey Gawker and Fishbowl NY, you're leavin' me hanging! What's the scoop on Andy Pemberton? Is he in or out? Your Uncle Grambo's got his fingers crossed that it's the latter.

So Dark The Con Of Vanegas

• Although your Uncle Grambo still isn't exactly sure why the good folks at Slate let The Ad Guy write a borderline chauvinistic "article" on the current state of women's tennis (he criticizes the sport for having too many "power hitters ... who do nothing but grunt"), I gotta throw propers to Seth Stevenson for taking time to shine the spotlight the remarkable comeback of one Martina Hingis. For those of you who didn't spend Saturday afternoon flipping between ESPN2 and NBC to catch the action on the red clay of Stade Roland Garros, you may not realize that Martina Hingis has made her way to the quarters of the French Open. Unfortch for her, she'll be facing off against Kim Clijsters (who ended the Swiss Miss' Australian Open back in January). Howevs, on the flip side, Hingis has improved greatly since January and the clay courts suit her game far better than they do Clijsters'. Stay saucy, Hingy; we'll be rooting for ya!

• Speaking of Slate, anyone else out there taken notice of the work of John DeFore of late? He authored a SOLID piece on bootleg DVDs last week that managed to squeeze in references to racist Mighty Mouse cartoons, "El Topo" and the Berne Act in just over 1,400 words, and today he reeled off a beauty of a review of the new Assayas joint. In other words, this dude is burrito supreme. Keep up the good work, brosnan; as far as this reader can tell, the film critic slot that the brills D. Edelstein left is yours for the taking.

• Turns out that Cindy Crawford is a big UFC fan. Who knew?

• Armegeddon Disco Party! [via World of Wonder]

• In news that pretty much only matters to JP McKrengels, "Deadwood" appears to be dead. [via Douglas Reinhardt]

• Chrome Waves on, well, "Chrome Waves" ... best!

• Looking for a flashback to the salad days of oh, say, 1986? Then click no further! Check out The Baseball Card Blog, currently in the midst of counting down the Top 10 Sets of All-Time. My money's on `85 Topps (Olympic Baseball stizz), even though I feel like this blogger SEVERELY underrated the aesthetic best everness of `86 Donruss when he ranked it #30.

• Who else is as puzzled as your Uncle Grambo at Natalie Maines' transformation from a shit kickin' southerner with a weight problem into a certifiable babe? And while we're on the topic, their new LP is pretty god damn good.

  

And b/c I received more than a few emails on the subject, yes, your Uncle Grambo is keenly aware that Bynes [pic via Egotastic] was photographed alongside Perez at the MTV Movie Awards this weekend. And yes, I've been alerted to the fact that Bynes also posed holding a "Pink Is The New Blog" sticker on the red carpet of said event. Trust me, I've been operating on full-on, code red permacringe mode for the last 24 hours or so.

But the latter announcement led me to peruse the pages of Pink for the first time in some time. Oh, who am I kidding? I still visit the site thrice weekly (what can I say, I'm prone to laziness just like the rest of you). And while I'm not going to succumb to the temptation to spew any more haterade than has already been spewed, I cannot resisting positing this question: was anyone fooled into thinking that the new site design and posting philosophy was about anything other than generating more ad revenue? I just did a quick count and saw FIFTY-NINE ads on his site (!!!), and even that doesn't take into consideration in-post advertising that's masquerading as content. Call me crazed, but shouldn't the "customers" that you're catering to with a site redesign be your site's loyal fans, not your advertisers?

But hey, I guess I can see where he's coming from. Strike while the iron is hot. Get while the gettin' is good. Pick the cliché of your choosing. Hooking up with Hauslaib (a mini-Denton armed with both ambition and bloggy acumen to spare) sure looks to be paying its dividends. So dark the con of Vanegas, indeed.