A Little Patience, Yeah Yeah

Dear FOWs,

I know, I know. You are all starving for some PHC. Rest assured, your Uncle Grambo has been hard at work since Wednesday putting together a little somethin somethin that is PRIMED to go down as the All-Time King Pin Shit Hot Post in the storied history of whatevs.org. This I swear.

Said post is tracking to Monday morning for worldwide release. Trust in me, Kaa stizz ... it will be worth the wait. In the meantime, please enjoy a few mini-rants, bullet stizz:

• Someone schedule an intervention for the entire staff of In Style, stat. Everyone there has GOTSTA be hooked on Ambien to be THIS asleep at the wheel. Who in their right mind would let a this hideous "Keira Knightley by way of Picasso" cover out the door? Yikers Island.

• Loftus + Prime Ministers = BEST!

• The road from SJP to Fred Ward isn't as long as you think.

• Great googily moogily! Chestica Simpson's latest photo spread in Maxim once again proves my long-standing belief that she's near the top of the list of Hollywood's Least Sexy Celebs. You don't have to know the difference between chicken and tuna to know that she's one cold fish in the sack.

• The most baffling thing about this year's NBA Playoffs was ABC's decision to exclusively use old Tom Petty jawns to promote their coverage. Don't get me wrong, "You Wreck Me" and "Running Down A Dream" are pretty dece as far as jams go, but exactly what role do they play in promoting the (allegedly) new and improved Association? My personal theory is that David Stern let ABC pick any songs they wanted to promote his league, just as long as they came from the stack of CDs he keeps in his office. Lay off the reefer, Stern.
  

  All of which serves as a long intro to the point that your Uncle Grambo initially wanted to make. Have you heard Tom Petty's new song? Holy shit, could it BE a bigger ripoff of ZZ Top's "La Grange" or Canned Heat's "On The Road Again"? It's laughable at best and straight up plagiarism at worst to see that Petty is claiming sole authorship of the song. What makes it even more ironic is the fact that Petty himself is allegedly considering sueing RHCP for using the riff from "Last Dance With Mary Jane" in "Dani California" without permish. Developing!

To The Dreamers Go The Dreams

Confession time. My name is Uncle Grambo and I am an addict. I've been clean for nearly 600 days. But I'd be lying if I told you that siren song of Best Buy isn't tempting the living shinola out of me today.

You see, there was a time and a place when your Uncle Grambo would anxiously await the arrival of New Release Tuesday with the fervor of Natasha Lyonne on the days that her royalty checks roll in. I could barely contain from breaking out in a sweat at the office on Tuesday mornings, keeping one eye firmly planted on the clock in each of my meetings, counting down `til lunch. And when noon finally arrived, I would bolt out the door and haul ass down the 2.1 mile stretch from my office to the nearest Best Buy location. Once I entered the hallowed big box grounds, I would greedily comb the aisles for CDs, DVDs, video games, blank CD-Rs, digital camera accessories. ANYTHING to satiate my bloodlust for consumerism.

If this story rings familiar for you, your Uncle Grambo has good news. The cycle CAN be broken, my fine feathered FOWs. For me, a physical move of both office and home locations played a substantial role in helping tame the beast within. But tell me, dear friends, how do I stay on the wagon when one of the most plentiful New Release Tuesday crops in eons has arrived? Today marks the release of Guster's blindingly brills new long player, "Ganging Up On The Sun" (see my glowing review); Luna's "Best Of" comp (featuring an appropriately understated title); the "Tell Me Do You Miss Me" DVD (chronicling Luna's farewell tour and final days as a band); and last, but not least, "Failure To Launch (Special Collector's Widescreen Edition)" (alright alright, you TRY resisting the horse-faced whimsy of SJP as she nags the bare assed Terry Bradshaw, I darez ya!).

The last selection above aside, nothing sounds better to me at this very moment than a blissful, worry-free hit of 90 day no interest credit spiked straight into my veins. Making matters worse, my drive out to the Roch tonight (for a Charity Wine Tasting Shindig at the Royal Park Hotel) will take me directly past not one but TWO Best Buys. Please pray for your Uncle throughout the day and through the eve, as I will need the strength of the entire FOW Nation to get through today still clean and sobes. Marsbars.

• In the wake of Whole Foods stopping the sale of live lobsters in their stores, The Gurgling Cod lifts the lid (so to speak) on the ethical ramifications of this tasty tradition in a post that easily grabs the title for Best Blog Header Of 2K6: Lobster Bitch! For the record, if your Uncle Grambo is gonna weez on some tasty sea-dwelling crustaceans, I tend to prefer oysters and crabs. But I pledge my full support to defend the rights of those who boil lobsters and munch on that oh-so-tasty lobstermeat with a nice side dish of melted butta. Yummers.

• Take that, Sminty! Yesterday, The Grizz got tipped off to the top-secret location right here in The D™ where Bruce Weber was conducting a photo shoot with Kate Moss for the September issue of W. You can read all about how the lucky bast got a glimpse of Kate's bee stings in today's Newsmakers.

• I know this news is SO last Friday, but just in case you haven't heard, mixing Diet Coke and Mentos is all the rage with kids these days. Even Manderson Cooper is getting in on the act! [via The Grizz]

• Just in case you haven't been following the rock trades as closely as your Uncle Grambo, it's important to note that June has been a particularly bad month for dudes who play the bass. Both Panic At The Durst-o and the Arctic Monkeys have sacked their bass players. Hey Gorilla and Ned Coho, don't quit your day jobs!

• Zulkey vs. Hornby. Some say even better than Alien vs. Predator!

• Holy best! Check out this mp3 of "Key Bored" from Portishead!!! [via Product Shop NYC]

• While your Uncle Grambo can't cop to having any semblance of tangible real estate acumen, I do know two key things about the business. First rule: it's all about location, location and location (in that particular order). Second rule: don't buy lofts from douchebagelows still sporting "Live Strong" bracelets. Ferreals.

The Horn Goes Toot

Your Uncle Grambo was the recepient of some unbelievably ridiculous good news on Friday afternoon. Well, that's not exactly true; I had been tipped off a week or two prior, but chose to keep the news close to my vest because of a superstitious fright that revealing it might unleash some negative jinx action. But when the press release hit my inbox on Friday afternoon that whatevs.org had officially been selected by Entertainment Weekly as one of the Best 25 Entertainment Websites (!!!), I let out a primal scream that would've made Bobbie Gillespie proud.

I mean, are you freaking kidding me? Entertainment Weekly thinks that whatevs.org belongs in the same conversation as internet behemoths like the IMDB, YouTube and The Onion? That the website I hand-coded after reading Creating Web Pages For Dummies (no joke!) while I was bored out of my gourd after getting laid off from a shitty dot-com is on the same playing field as sites that have multi-million dollar budgets and talented staffs like AOL Music, People and Slate? And the fact that my name will forever be listed in print in an issue of my all-time favorite magazine (might I add, directly beneath a picture of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes)? Blown away does not even BEGIN to describe the feeling.

Don't worry, your Uncle Grambo isn't the type that's going to start believing the hype or drinking the Kool Aid or [insert the cliché of your choosing here]. Better still, I'm not going to pull a Gwynnie and start tearfully thanking the calvacade of people who have influenced, inspired, supported and assisted me in putting together this here weblog for the past four years and change (that list is long and distinguished, just like my johnson). But I would like to take a moment to thank the really good people at Entertainment Weekly (esp. J.P. Mangalindan, who interviewed me for a sidebar feature that ALMOST made the print version) for selecting whatevs.org as one of their favorite sites on the vast expanse of The Internerd™; I am truly humbled and even trulier honoured. And I'd also like to congratulate my friends Scott Stereogum, Mark Lisanti and Maud Newton for also snagging themselves well-deserved spots on the list.

It should also be noted that your Uncle Grambo was asked by EW to submit a short list of my own personal fave exit ramps on the Information Superhighway. I submitted a list of eight, three of which actually made the magazine. For the record, here's my unabridged list (all of which you should've bookmarked LONG ago):

• Golden Fiddle — proves on a daily basis that the premier celebsnark doesn't come from either of the coasts. It's okay to be jealous.

• Skeet On Mischa — More prolific at posting than Barry Bonds was at hitting dingers in `01 (added bonus: no roids!)

• Miss Modernage — One of the originals and still one of the best, MM manages to remain on top of all the trends without taking on the air of other members of the Hipster Elite.

• Free Darko — Particularly relevant to those equally versed in dunks and Derrida.

• Rock Insider — JAX's unmatched enthusiasm in new bands makes her the 13-year old girl of The Blogosphere™ (and I mean that as a compliment of the highest magnitude).

• The Gurgling Cod — Best enjoyed with your Betty Crocker and Britannicas in arm's reach.

• Thighs Wide Shut — The Thighmaster has forgotten more about pop culture than those douchebags at the glossy gossip rags have ever known.

• Baseball Card Blog — Go on, indulge your inner fifth grader.

And, I guess, that's that. Thanks to each and every member of the FOW Nation for their continued support throughout the years. Believe you me, without your patronage, this site would've gone down faster than a shotgunned Bud Light. All the best, bovs on each of your respective tees, and here's to Four More Shmears!